Really need everyone's support right now...

[SouthernT]

First: I am sooo sooo sooo very sorry about the lenght of this post.

 

Second, let me start by saying that right now, I don’t need to hear “told you so”…”are you dumb”….”what can’t you comprehend”…ect….I really feel like crap right now and I’m really hurting. (TANBARK- that means you)

 

Everyone (for the most part) is familiar with my story. Met a guy two years ago after a fresh break-up from his fiancé/engagement. The guy called 3-4 times a week for a month ½ straight. Said he liked me and would probably come to me about taking things to the next level in a couple of months. Guy literally disappears after that conversation. Pops up about a month later saying he pulled back b/c he was really starting to like me and he could tell I was starting to like him. And that the ex was still causing drama. But he had it taken care of at that point. So that was January ’07. So, since then, he started the pattern contact for a month and then no contact for 4-6 weeks. This has literally gone on for the past two years. Hung out in group settings for the most part. Hung out one-on-one 3 or 4 times. Yet all this time, he never asked me out on a date. If I didn’t hear from him, I figured he just didn’t want me and I didn’t chase him. Then he would pop back up on his own with sweet text messages and a couple of early morning phone calls. A few months ago I started asking him if we are on the same page or not. I told him that I liked him and wanted to be more than friends but we didn’t have to rush into a serious relationship right of the bat. He kept saying “we will sit down and talk about it”. (me not wanting to push, I said ok and pulled back.) Last week, I couldn’t take it anymore. He came over to my apartment to helped me move some things and I flat out asked him “you need to tell me if I need to get over my feelings and move on. Please just tell me” His response: “well haven’t started communicating w/ you more consistently? Didn’t I come over to help you move some things? Well give me credit for those things. After this, let me take you out to dinner and we’ll discuss it some more. In other words, just let things naturally take it’s place.” I said “ok. I would like that”

 

A week later (this past weekend), I get word that he took another girl home with him to meet his parents and he has now asked her to be his girlfriend. Obviously he has been seeing/knowing her for awhile, but they just now made it official. I call him as soon as I find out of course and his response is “If a guy likes you, then you will know it! He will want to spend time with you and he will want to talk to you all the time. I haven’t spent time with you, I haven’t even taken you out on a date. I haven’t seen you in so long that I forgot what you even look like!! I didn’t feel obligated to tell you that I met someone else and that she is now my girlfriend!If a guy isn’t treating you the way that you want, then you need to kick him to the curb!!! I'm not used to someone saying they care about me and I havent spent any time with them” He completely flipped things around contrary to what he said just a week prior.

 

Why didn’t he just tell me when I asked him?I’m so lost/confused/hurt/ feeling really stupid right now. I feel like I wasn’t enough for him and that I won’t ever be enough for any guy.

 

I’m hoping you guys can help me sort through my questions: How the heck did I fall for this guy so hard and it was all a joke to him? I been on dates with other guys and always thought about him afterwards. Never liked a guy this much before in my life. And now I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement and/or feelings for a man ever again. No matter how intense they are. I’m just feeling really low right now.

 

Only good thing is: I never slept with him. So I still have that part of myself. He knew from the beginning that I wasn’t the type for casual sex. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep and I’ve been crying non stop. I was really head-over-heals with this guy. It hurts really bad and I just need to talk this out right now....

[sptu]

dont you really feel lucky?!?!imagine being in a relationship with him and do that kind of things!!!probably he thought that you are not interested as you were very easy going but i think that after that you should just say to him what you wrote here!

[Jilly Bean]

“If a guy likes you, then you will know it! He will want to spend time with you and he will want to talk to you all the time. I haven’t spent time with you, I haven’t even taken you out on a date. I haven’t seen you in so long that I forgot what you even look like!! I didn’t feel obligated to tell you that I met someone else and that she is now my girlfriend!If a guy isn’t treating you the way that you want, then you need to kick him to the curb!!!

 

The only experiences that go in vain are the ones that we fail to learn from.

 

Your take-away is quoted above.

 

It's not a matter of chiding you for screwing up or not knowing better, but it's important you take the time to realize your role in this dynamic, so you can avoid putting yourself in this position again.

 

Everything he told you is what you need to learn. Then this will not have been time ill-spent!

 

Better days ahead...

[SouthernT]

dont you really feel lucky?!?!imagine being in a relationship with him and do that kind of things!!!probably he thought that you are not interested as you were very easy going but i think that after that you should just say to him what you wrote here!

 

 

HUH? Sorry, but I had a difficult time following what you are trying to say here.

[SouthernT]

The only experiences that go in vain are the ones that we fail to learn from.

 

Your take-away is quoted above.

 

It's not a matter of chiding you for screwing up or not knowing better, but it's important you take the time to realize your role in this dynamic, so you can avoid putting yourself in this position again.

 

Everything he told you is what you need to learn. Then this will not have been time ill-spent!

 

Better days ahead...

 

Well that's just it. I need help with seeing where I went wrong with him. At what point? Because I need to be able to recognize this later on in dating. At what point should I have cut him off? Or at what point should I have changed my actions to get him to take me seriously? (I don't have much dating experience at all)

[xpaperxcutx]

ST, you should curse him out all you want, because a man like that doesn't deserve your tears. I haven't read much of your past threads but I can tell that he wasn't sincere from the start. His actions tell me that he's been going back and forth between you and other woman and all the while you've given leeway and benefit of the doubt to do what he did to you.

 

The only thing you can do now to cry and let it all out of your system. It does hurt me to say that you wasted two years on this guy. But it should also be an encouragement for you to not waste one more day crying over him.

[torranceshipman]

He is a mean guy - no manners, cold and not too nice - you are lucky NOT to be the 'new girlfriend'! He was playing around with you, and I am so glad you never slept with him! He could have been way more straight up with you. He is a total jerk and of there are many guys out there who would feel lucky to have you.

 

This guy was not worth it. The lesson learned here, I would say, is to always be straight up about what you want. If you think after a month or 2 that you want more, and you want things to be made clear about where you both stand, have this conversation with him, and if his actions do not follow through, walk. Do NOT say 'we do not need to run into a R, we can take things one date at a time' if you DO want a R - make it clear what you want, and if he cant give you that, walk. Don't make big compromises or hang around forever hoping for more, too scared to say anything in case you say something he doesnt like. This will mean you dont waste your time waiting around for some guy, even if the answer he gives you isnt wht you want to hear.

 

The odd thing is, he did give you really good advice! He was right on the mark with what he said about a guy showing you he really likes you.

[SouthernT]

A mutual girlfriend of ours said that he DIDNT do anything wrong. And that it was pretty much on me because I should have seen loud and clear with his actions. And she felt that there was no ground for my feelings being so strong b/c he and I only spoke occasionally and of no real substance. But I mean, he and I hung out enough and enteracted enough for me to know that I liked him and wanted to get to know him more. And she even felt that I was being way to emotional about the situation because he and I were never in a relationship. They both felt that my reaction was way too emotional. When I found out, I called him and was crying and yelling of course. And I text him a couple of times the next day asking him what I did wrong and telling him that he never really gave me a chance. I was just really hurt and upset.

[Jilly Bean]

Well that's just it. I need help with seeing where I went wrong with him. At what point? Because I need to be able to recognize this later on in dating. At what point should I have cut him off? Or at what point should I have changed my actions to get him to take me seriously? (I don't have much dating experience at all)

 

You really have to trust your instincts on this. When you start to feel like there is a disconnect between his words and his actions, that's probably a good time to cut bait. Same thing for when you begin to feel frustrated or humored by someone.

 

It wasn't about him taking you seriously - I just don't think he was ever genuinely interested (as he told you), and you were just a stroke to his ego while he was romancing someone else. So, there's nothing you could have done, or can ever do, to make someone like you or want you.

[EYECANDY000]

First off, that guy is a prick and no one should be treated like that or spoke to like that. But, sometimes being brutally honest is the only way some people know how to get a point across.

 

From the looks of it, i probaly can see why he was verbally abusive. It seems like as you stated, you were crying hysterically and cursing him out and he was just responding to your actions. I do think you over did it , by letting him get to you like that. You should have just been calm and simply asked him if hes seeing someone? and when he would have responded , yes.. you should have kept it cordial.

 

You may have really liked him, but you were only reminesing on memories. Like you stated "he disappeared months at a time.

 

I say forget about this guy and let his new girlfriend deal with his drama.

[Eos]

this type of guy most likely always wants the girl to lead him on... kept him interested.... this is if you want this type of guy, but i wouldnt suggest going after one of theses type again.

 

ive had this type of guy before...

i had this boy call me EVERY day for a month i thought it was rather dependable, it was a "pattern", well one day he didnt... i was crushed.

 

you see the pattern works rather well because chances are he has done it before...

 

so the only thing that you (and me) did wrong was giving our heart, time, and trust to someone who was undesirving...

[SouthernT]

From the looks of it, i probaly can see why he was verbally abusive. It seems like as you stated, you were crying hysterically and cursing him out and he was just responding to your actions. I do think you over did it , by letting him get to you like that. You should have just been calm and simply asked him if hes seeing someone? and when he would have responded , yes.. you should have kept it cordial.

 

You may have really liked him, but you were only reminesing on memories. Like you stated "he disappeared months at a time.

 

I say forget about this guy and let his new girlfriend deal with his drama.

 

No I didnt curse him out at all. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't curse at all. But I was crying, because I was devastated. And I wanted him to realize the depth of my emotions and how serious I was about him. And for it to all blow up in my face like that, I'm sorry but YES it sent me over the edge. And he said he didnt understand why I was so upset. I mean, some people are making me feel like I shouldn't even be hurt at all over this. And some people are making me feel like this was ALL my fault. And if it was my fault, then I need help seeing that. But I also truly feel that what he did was VERY wrong. I've never been more crushed before in all my 29 yrs of life...

[SouthernT]

And I am also ashamed to admit that this guy would make plans with me and cancel all the time. And I would blow it off by telling myself that I was too busy with friends and other aspects of my life to make a big deal out of it and that I would just catch him next time around.

 

When I asked him this past weekend what was wrong with me he said there was nothing in particular about me. And that it was bad timing. Which sounds like B.S. to me. He replied to one of my text earlier this week and said "There's nothing wrong with you. I just took a different path. Don't let this affect you. You are a great lady"

 

You know...it's really funny with guys. You tell them upfront what you want, and they run for the hills. Yet you play it cool and don't pressure then, they don't take you seriously.

 

Soooo....should I have left him alone the very FIRST time he pulled a "disappearing act"?

[Trialbyfire]

SouthernT, no amount of talking to a man will reel in someone who doesn't want to be reeled in. His actions have been screaming at you since Day 1 that "I'm not interested". If you go back to all your threads, everyone on LS has pretty much been telling you the same thing, whether it's from the perspective of player or otherwise.

 

Yes, I can sympathize with hurt feelings but realistically speaking, the two of you never entered a romantic relationship, never even dated. It's like you were friend-zoned but refused to acknowledge it.

 

You cannot pressure or push someone to want a romantic relationship, just like all us LSers can't push you to listen to us.

[SouthernT]

SouthernT, no amount of talking to a man will reel in someone who doesn't want to be reeled in. His actions have been screaming at you since Day 1 that "I'm not interested". If you go back to all your threads, everyone on LS has pretty much been telling you the same thing, whether it's from the perspective of player or otherwise.

 

Yes, I can sympathize with hurt feelings but realistically speaking, the two of you never entered a romantic relationship, never even dated. It's like you were friend-zoned but refused to acknowledge it.

 

You cannot pressure or push someone to want a romantic relationship, just like all us LSers can't push you to listen to us.

 

Ok Trail, that's cool and all. (and I VERY clearly stated at the begining of this thread, the I feel like crap right now and I've learned my lesson. I don't need I told you so's)

 

My point is this: HE PLAYED HIS PART. If you friendzone someone, ok cool. Friendzone does not continue to text and tell that person how beautiful they are and that they miss that person. Friendzone does NOT call at 7:30 in the morning just to tell me I'm beautiful and that he just wanted me to have a good day. Friendzone does not make passes at me like he did while he was in my apartment last week. Friendzone does not pass messages through other friends to tell me that I'm beautiful and that he was thinking about me. And friendzone does NOT say the things he said to me while he was at my apartment last week!!

[SouthernT]

His actions have been screaming at you since Day 1 that "I'm not interested". If you go back to all your threads, everyone on LS has pretty much been telling you the same thing, whether it's from the perspective of player or otherwise.

 

He sent me mixed messages Trial. If he didnt call, then I didnt chase him. He continued to pop up and communicate with me on his own. How does that scream "I'm not interested"? I understand what you all are saying now, because of his actions never matched his words. and unfortunatley sometimes you have to learn and find out on your own. But why is it that you don't understand why I thought that he WAS intersted b/c he continued communication without my prompting?

 

Please don't start being harsh to me on this thread. Ok?

[shadowplay]

He sent me mixed messages Trial. If he didnt call, then I didnt chase him. He continued to pop up and communicate with me on his own. How does that scream "I'm not interested"? I understand what you all are saying now, because of his actions never matched his words. and unfortunatley sometimes you have to learn and find out on your own. But why is it that you don't understand why I thought that he WAS intersted b/c he continued communication without my prompting?

 

Please don't start being harsh to me on this thread. Ok?

 

I agree, her comment was pretty callous even if her advice was correct.

 

I was sort of in a similar situation as yours (though less extreme and prolonged) where a guy was giving me mixed signals...actually mostly negative signals with a few positive ones thrown in that I chose to seize upon because I was so desperate to have him.

 

Yes, at face value he was sending you mixed signals, but through experience I've learned that mixed signals almost always = no interest in the case of men. If you just took everything this guy said literally, I can see why you might hold on to hope, but through experience you learn that guys often don't mean what they say and actions and consistency speak louder than words.

 

I don't know why people claim that men are more direct and honest than women because usually I find that to be the opposite. Women may friendzone guys but they don't generally lead them on in any obv way if they're not interested. Men also avoid confrontation like the plague so may be less keen on outright rejecting somebody. In general they just tend to be less considerate of the other person's feelings.

 

Can't say why this guy did what he did to you. My guess it's a combination of a few things.

 

1) first and foremost he's a douchebag, but that goes without saying.

2) he had some mild interest in you and kept toying with the idea of dating you but never enough to pursue you. he kept you stringing along just in case while he dated other women. pretty fcvked up, no?

3) this is the most obvious to me. He was playing a game with you. He enjoyed the attention. He also got some sick thrill out of rejecting you at the end because the things he said were cruel, almost abusive. This guy sounds disturbed to be honest.

 

Bottomline: if a guy is sending you mixed signals in 99% of cases he's not interested.

 

Take a step back and ask yourself if you really want to be with a guy who talks to somebody the way he did to you on the phone. Are you sure you're not just obsessed with him because of the way he's treated you? Do you just feel unworthy? This guy is human garbage. He reminds me of one of the characters from "In the Company of Men."

[SouthernT]

This guy is screaming issues. Are you sure you're not just obsessed with him because of the way he's treated you? Do you just feel unworthy? This guy is human garbage. He reminds me of one of the characters from "In the Company of Men."

 

Yes I feel very unworthy right now. I just typed up a letter to him. In my letter I'm apologizing for being emotional. I'm apologizing for having ever bothered him. And that if he would have told me he didnt want more from me, then I would have NEVER spoken to him again. I wrote the letter just to get my feelings out. I don't know if I will even email it to him or not. I feel dumb and right now I'm sitting him blaming myself for all of this. Which is probably the way that I need to feel right now so I know exactly what NOT to do with the next guy. And to make matters worse, the next day, he deletes me from his friend list as if I did something wrong.

 

Everybody that I've talked to about this situation is saying that this guy has serious issues. What kind of issues do you think he has? And what is it about me that made him able to suck me in?

[Jilly Bean]

Yes I feel very unworthy right now. I just typed up a letter to him. In my letter I'm apologizing for being emotional. I'm apologizing for having ever bothered him. And that if he would have told me he didnt want more from me, then I would have NEVER spoken to him again. I wrote the letter just to get my feelings out. I don't know if I will even email it to him or not. I feel dumb and right now I'm sitting him blaming myself for all of this. Which is probably the way that I need to feel right now so I know exactly what NOT to do with the next guy. And to make matters worse, the next day, he deletes me from his friend list as if I did something wrong.

 

Everybody that I've talked to about this situation is saying that this guy has serious issues. What kind of issues do you think he has? And what is it about me that made him able to suck me in?

 

Do not, DO NOT EVER send him any kind of email.

 

Write it out for yourself, not don't send it under ANY circumstances. Chances are HIGHLY probable he would never read it, or even respond. And then how would you feel?

 

Yes, he was wrong for giving you mixed messages, but the reality is, you never even had ONE date. To send him any kind of email about your "feelings" will make you look insane, and make him be glad he never dated you to begin with. Don't give him that satisfaction.

 

It's often best to keep these things to ourselves...

[shadowplay]

Yes I feel very unworthy right now. I just typed up a letter to him. In my letter I'm apologizing for being emotional. I'm apologizing for having ever bothered him. And that if he would have told me he didnt want more from me, then I would have NEVER spoken to him again. I wrote the letter just to get my feelings out. I don't know if I will even email it to him or not. I feel dumb and right now I'm sitting him blaming myself for all of this. Which is probably the way that I need to feel right now so I know exactly what NOT to do with the next guy. And to make matters worse, the next day, he deletes me from his friend list as if I did something wrong.

 

Everybody that I've talked to about this situation is saying that this guy has serious issues. What kind of issues do you think he has? And what is it about me that made him able to suck me in?

 

Whatever you do DON'T send that letter. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you care what he thinks. It's fine to write but don't actually send it. Post it on here if you need to. Believe me, you'll feel worse if you do.

 

You have nothing to apologize for. You were only hurting yourself, not him. If you're intent on writing something to him, which I strongly urge you not to, I'd say something short, unemotional and to the point along these lines:

 

"I realize after the way you spoke to me that you're not somebody I'd be interested in anyway, so the feeling's mutual. Take care."

 

Why did he suck you in? Because you have low self esteem, and you fell prey to the old intermittent reinforcement trap.

 

What kind of issues does he have? He has a sadistic streak and acts more like a child than an adult. Hard to be more specific than that without knowing much about him.

[mortensorchid]

The man's a creep. Doesn't know what he wants, plays with your emotions and feelings because it makes him feel like a big man.

[Trialbyfire]

He sent me mixed messages Trial. If he didnt call, then I didnt chase him. He continued to pop up and communicate with me on his own. How does that scream "I'm not interested"? I understand what you all are saying now, because of his actions never matched his words. and unfortunatley sometimes you have to learn and find out on your own. But why is it that you don't understand why I thought that he WAS intersted b/c he continued communication without my prompting?

 

Please don't start being harsh to me on this thread. Ok?

Some people can do this, for ego stroking purposes. In keeping someone on a string, it makes them feel more loved.

 

Words and actions SouthernT. If the two don't jive, look to the actions.

 

I think most women have learned this the hard way, including you and I.

[xpaperxcutx]

I agree with Jilly and SP, don't send the letter. You have nothing to apologize for here, and if you send that letter, you would come off as stalkerish and insane.

 

I don't understand how he kept up his behaviour for two years straight, but a guy like that isn't trustworthy in the slightest because his actions spells out severe "player alert". In no way am I implying that you were gullible, but he just knew how to reel you in and kept you waiting on him. It's a shame that that it took you this long to see him for who he really is.

[daphne]

T,

 

I can't see a single thing that I disagree with in Shadow's post. I don't think you protected yourself very well or read the signs well at all, but good lord teh guy's a serious douche.

 

Please don't spend time writing letters to yourself, him or anyone else about how you're sorry for being one way or another or how you're all to blame. It just is and you have a right to your feelings. I do believe that you were part of your hurt, but I in no way believe he is remotely blameless. He just reacted brutally to avoid any culpability so he doesn't look like the bad guy. He is an ass clown. You won't see it now, but in the future you'll realize that this was a blessing in disguise that it didn't work out. Someone who behaves like this is sure to have abusive tendencies, or at the very least will not take responsibility for their actions. Good guys do not behave this way.

[SouthernT]

Yes, he was wrong for giving you mixed messages, but the reality is, you never even had ONE date. To send him any kind of email about your "feelings" will make you look insane, and make him be glad he never dated you to begin with. Don't give him that satisfaction. It's often best to keep these things to ourselves...

 

I won't send it. But I had a lot to get off my chest. No we never had a "DATE" but we did spend time together one on one ALONE 3 or 4 times in addition to group activities on top of that. It's not like I was NEVER around this guy.