scrumpyfil Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Hi everyone. I'm from Ireland and am new to this forum which I found when looking for help dealing with a break up I am going through at the moment. I've read a lot of threads and it seems like the advice people post is quite good and was wondering could someone relate to the experience I am having. 2 1/2 years ago(i was 24) I moved to Dublin to do a 1 year masters, during that time I met a girl and 2 months later we started going out (this was my first girlfriend). We spent the remainder of the year deeply in love and when it finished I had to move to another part of the country to do a PhD which I had decided to do before I met her. She stayed in Dublin to do a PhD of her own. We stayed together for another 1 1/2 years, traveling up and down to each other every weekend and calling each other every day. Unfortunately two months ago we both decided that we needed to break up as even though we still loved each other, there were other issues in our lives that were causing too much stress for us to be together. Her reason was that she needed to be alone and find happiness with herself as during her life she never really happy in her own skin, even though she said she was happy with me. She was also seeing a counselor for 1 1/2 years about this. I was unhappy because I was living with people I did not like which resulted in me not eating well, vegetating a lot and not being social enough. I was ok with it for along time because I saw my girlfriend every weekend. During my time with my ex- I spent all my social time with her and her friends which resulted in me spending less and less time with my own and when we broke up I was devastated as I had become so involved in everything in her life. I have contacted her twice to try and reconcile with her but she said that she needs time to find herself even though she said that she cares and respects me and would like to see us still be friends. When I asked if there was any possibility of us being together again she said that there is a chance but she then said no chance because she doesn't want to keep my hopes up. I will be finished with my PhD in a year and it is highly likely that i will go to work in the same city as her. And at the moment I am hanging onto hope that during my last year we can keep in touch and renew our love when I move back up. I guess what I want to ask is if people have had similar situations where they broke up stayed good friends and eventually got back together. I also spoke to several of our mutual friends a few weeks after where they said that she misses me and that she blamed herself for the split. Which I think is better than if she was jumping up and down with joy. This is my first break up so I am unsure of how these things pan out. What I have come to realize since we broke up is how much I care for her and what more I could have done to have made our time happier. Thanks
Ronni_W Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Her reason was that she needed to be alone and find happiness with herself as during her life she never really happy in her own skin, <snip> What I have come to realize since we broke up is how much I care for her and what more I could have done to have made our time happier. The thing is that she is not seeking happier times, and you CANNOT help someone else to "feel happy in her/his own skin" -- that is totally an 'inside job'. So, it would not have mattered what you did or did not do during your time together. And you cannot influence it during your time apart, either. This would be a transition period for her, too, shifting from being part of a couple for 2 1/2 years, to being single. So, yes, she may well still be missing some of the "old habits & comforts", as it were. It is common and not necessarily a hope-inspiring event. Since there is another year before you move to her city, it might be gentler on your heart to consider that there is NO hope of a reconciliation in the future. That way, when you do get there, you won't have 12 months of pent-up "love feelings" that may come gushing out in every direction, and in all sorts of unintended, unexpected and unattractive ways. If you can stay in touch knowing that you won't get back together, by all means. But if it proves too much for you, then back away -- in my books, it doesn't make sense to willingly subject one's Heart to pain and suffering. Best of luck. It is an emotionally difficult and mentally challenging time, I know. Hopefully your studies will help keep you focused on other things, which is a good coping strategy. (((hugs)))
saams Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Imo just back off... make her come to you and call you instead of you contacting her, show her you still love and care about her but not in a needy way and dont sound desperate... try to keep in contact with her but you should stop thinking about getting back together and think more about keeping her as a friend, it is actually harder then it sounds.. to be friends when you used to love eachother. maybe with time you will be able to fix things BUT if you keep pushing it she will most likely lose her feelings for you and then there is no chance left. as for your question about lovers breaking up and just being friends and then falling back in love with eachother... i never heard of that and i wouldnt bet on it. you should hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
nowhereman82 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I just had a seperation with my ex 2 months ago and the main issue was exactly as you are having. We both found happiness in each other and spent our time together but did not work on our personal well being and happiness or develop our own friends apart from each other. We broke up and she thought that I was the reason she wasn't doing anything with herself. I realized that I ignored myself because of her so I spent all my time working on myself and my happiness...and I still am. It's not easy and it's easy to find comfort in another person or thing to occupy you and distract you from truly growing. I asked my ex if there was ever a chance as well. She said not now but not necessarily never. I told her i wanted to try and she said it would be wrong of her to let me at this time. Thinking on it I realized she was right. Do the smart thing and REALLY reflect on yourself. And then use this time apart to become the most awesome, happy, self fulfilled individual you can be! And when you get back in a year you will have a lot more to contribute to the FRIENDSHIP. Don't expect to hop into a relationship....it will be just like dating her again. Hopefully you will both be new people and as new people you need to start anew. I agree with saams post above mine. keep contact infrequent, friendly and short. Don't speak of the relationship, don't share about your new relationships (btw don't get distracted in new relationships from building yourself), and don't brag. Keep things positive and become the awesome person you know you can be!
Author scrumpyfil Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Thanks everyone for listening to my story and for the advice. Even though right now I can't stop thinking about her, you are all correct in saying that I should not pent up feelings and just keep contact with her. It suppose it would be better for me in the long run. Thanks again, all very helpful replies
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