stoopid_guy Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Well, the best and most obvious way is simply not to do it. However, if stoopidity, weakness, loneliness, whatever do lead you to it, and the objective is not to destroy your marriage: 1) Keep your spouse happy. Give him/her no reason to suspect. 2) Work an odd schedule. Make it the "norm" to stay late and/or go back to the office a few times a week. 3) Be discreet. If you work in the same building as the OM/OW, no smooching or other intimate contact in public. 4) Mention the OM/OW to your spouse as an amusing or interesting acquaintance/coworker. 5) Do not use a system of contact your spouse has access to. Set up a GMail account, for example. If you use a "smart phone" with data, you can communicate this way with no public record. (Unlike phone calls that show up on your bills.) Alternately, get a "pay as you go" phone to use. 6) Choose an OM/OW carefully. Preferably, someone in a similar situation to your own. 7) Tell no one about it. Give co-workers and friends the impression that you have a "normal" marriage. 8) Don't spend time in public near home. Have your dates in a nearby town, at least 30 minutes away. 9) Don't make any unusual or dramatic changes to your appearance. 10) Don't run for public office. 11) Use the same precautions you would with a "normal" date. Trust them before spending time alone with them. Avoid STDs and pregnancy. 12) Be aware that you MAY get caught. Prepare yourself and the OM/OW for that possibility. Disclaimer: This thread is intended as a mental exercise only, and not to encourage infidelity or insult anyone.
angie2443 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 However, if stoopidity, weakness, loneliness, whatever do lead you to it, and the objective is not to destroy your marriage: . I'm guessing you have children. You are damaging them every second you stay with them. If you have any respect for them, which you can't really, you should leave them and your wife now and never look back. It will hurt them at first, but they will be much better off in the long run.
OpenBook Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 12) Be aware that you MAY get caught. Prepare yourself and the OM/OW for that possibility. Just out of curiosity, how do you "prepare" an OM/OW for the possibility of getting caught? "Darling I love you but you need to know that if my W [or H] ever finds out, I'm going to have to throw you under the bus. Now, how about a nice backrub?"
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 Just out of curiosity, how do you "prepare" an OM/OW for the possibility of getting caught? "Darling I love you but you need to know that if my W [or H] ever finds out, I'm going to have to throw you under the bus. Now, how about a nice backrub?" Excellent question! (And well posed.) I wish I had a good answer. I guess my point was that both parties should be going into it with eyes wide open. Don't decieve the OM/OW into thinking the BS doesn't mind, be honest.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 4) Mention the OM/OW to your spouse as an amusing or interesting acquaintance/coworker. I'm not sure about this one. One of the 'signs of infidelity' red flags you see on infidelity sites is the spouse mentioning or talking about a new person of the opposite sex suddenly - either as a 'friend', an 'old friend from school', or a 'neat coworker'. People on infidelity boards are given advice that this new person is the first person who should be suspected when gut feelings about cheating come up.
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 I'm not sure about this one. One of the 'signs of infidelity' red flags you see on infidelity sites is the spouse mentioning or talking about a new person of the opposite sex suddenly - either as a 'friend', an 'old friend from school', or a 'neat coworker'. People on infidelity boards are given advice that this new person is the first person who should be suspected when gut feelings about cheating come up. Interesting... In the case of my wife and I, we socialize occasionally with people I work with. I would think it would be more suspicious if she met or heard of an obvious friend that I had never mentioned. I can see how it might work both ways though. The one time I think she felt a little threatened was at a co-worker's wedding. An attractive young lady sat down with us, was obviously an aquaintance of mine, but I had never mentioned her to my wife. It wasn't because there was anything between this young lady and I, but because she's rather boring and we have nothing in common but work.
Lizzie60 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I should add... the best way to not get caught is to meet during work hours..
Ms. Red Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 4) Mention the OM/OW to your spouse as an amusing or interesting acquaintance/coworker. I'm not sure about this one. One of the 'signs of infidelity' red flags you see on infidelity sites is the spouse mentioning or talking about a new person of the opposite sex suddenly - either as a 'friend', an 'old friend from school', or a 'neat coworker'. People on infidelity boards are given advice that this new person is the first person who should be suspected when gut feelings about cheating come up. My boyfriend I lived with for 3 years did the opposite. He got a new job & started talking about the irritating bitch that worked there & was always telling me stories of how she pissed him off. I found out later they were sleeping together.
Agent_99 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Just out of curiosity, how do you "prepare" an OM/OW for the possibility of getting caught? "Darling I love you but you need to know that if my W [or H] ever finds out, I'm going to have to throw you under the bus. Now, how about a nice backrub?" As an OW, I have to say that being told that would be preferable to the unknown. I mean seriously, it's better than some of these stories where OW/OM NEVER hear form the MM/MW again, always wonder what heppened etc. ~99
soda Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Well, the best and most obvious way is simply not to do it. However, if stoopidity, weakness, loneliness, whatever do lead you to it, and the objective is not to destroy your marriage: 1) Keep your spouse happy. Give him/her no reason to suspect. 2) Work an odd schedule. Make it the "norm" to stay late and/or go back to the office a few times a week. . Hmmm...I'll put aside the fact that I'm a BS and just poke at your logic, instead. You lost me after the first two. Cheaters put their energy into the affair, not the marriage, which makes keeping one's spouse "happy" difficult under the circumstances. A WS might delude him or herself into the notion that he or she has a "happy spouse," but I don't see this actually being possible. "Work an odd schedule." This is extremely problematic. All it takes is not being where one claims to be one time to put the whole "odd schedule" under microscopic scutiny. Or a mention of the "countless hours" one's spouse is working being met with confusion to discount this as effective. This sounds like a compulsive liar's checklist. Everything in it involves lying, manipulating, and selling snake oil. In the end, liars are usually exposed as frauds. A better title would be "How to expose yourself as phony."
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 Cheaters put their energy into the affair, not the marriage, which makes keeping one's spouse "happy" difficult under the circumstances. A WS might delude him or herself into the notion that he or she has a "happy spouse," but I don't see this actually being possible. People put their energy into many things besides their marriage; work, hobbies, other family members... Slicing five hours a week out for an affair isn't going to be that noticable, especially if those hour are not just taken from family time. It's also going to depend on the BS and the nature of the marriage. Not all need the same things to be content. While it may not be possible in some relationships, it's quite possible in others. "Work an odd schedule." This is extremely problematic. All it takes is not being where one claims to be one time to put the whole "odd schedule" under microscopic scutiny. Or a mention of the "countless hours" one's spouse is working being met with confusion to discount this as effective. Again, that depends. Personally, my wife expects me to be at my cell phone, and I'm practically always there. She doesn't even know my desk extension, because I'm not at it that much anyway. I also have a great deal of autonomy at work. My manager rarely knows exactly what I'm doing. He's mainly concerned with results, not how they are obtained. Yet another factor, she knows my co-workers, but is not close to any of them and only sees any of them once or twice a year. Working odd hours does not eliminate the chances of being caught, but it does reduce them. (Nothing eliminates that chance entirely except not doing it.) This sounds like a compulsive liar's checklist. Everything in it involves lying, manipulating, and selling snake oil. In the end, liars are usually exposed as frauds. A better title would be "How to expose yourself as phony." Actually a "compulsive liar" is someone who lies for the sake of lying. It's an addictive behavior, and becomes obvious to those around them fairly quickly. Someone who only lies when they need to is an entirely different thing.
serial muse Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Actually a "compulsive liar" is someone who lies for the sake of lying. It's an addictive behavior, and becomes obvious to those around them fairly quickly. Someone who only lies when they need to is an entirely different thing. I think, though, that peoples' definitions of when they "need" to lie probably vary widely. A compulsive liar is someone who feels a need to do it in many, many situations - situations in which more honest people might see it as completely unnecessary. A compulsive liar might also feel a deep-seated need to have secrets and lead a sort of double life. In other words, I don't think it's true to say that one ever "needs" to lie. There are certainly times when it smooths things over (if temporarily), and is therefore so tempting that perhaps it feels necessary. But it's always a choice, and calls to a need to "control" some situation. I have to agree that that's what this list is about - it's a checklist for how to keep airtight control over a situation. And if that's what you want, it sounds like it'll probably work. I agree that mentioning someone of the opposite sex frequently, as a "friend" or "enemy," is a red flag, though.
Owl Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I should add... the best way to not get caught is to meet during work hours.. OK, I just couldn't keep passing this up... Its too easy for Lizzie to keep her affairs ongoing only during work hours! Since she's taken the concept of combining business and pleasure to its extreme, and made affairs her "business"...ANYTIME she's involved with a MM, its "office hours"!
InaPanic Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I'm kind of surprised on this thread there is a 'how to' on infidelity. I guess i always took this (the "infidelity" section) as a place to come & get help either dealing with the betrayal or help on getting out of an affair & moving on. This is a different & unexpected twist, lol.
Raina Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 4) Mention the OM/OW to your spouse as an amusing or interesting acquaintance/coworker. Agreed, I would avoid this one. Don't mention him/her at all. "Amusing" and "interesting" can sound threatening to the partner and raise eyebrows. And don't let the OW/OM use lipstick or strong perfume.
Deanster Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Hmmm... I think there's some questionable advice here... playing the game for a minute, there's no mention of money. If you're curious about what someone is doing, 'follow the money' is the first piece of advice, whether it's a snooping spouse, or law enforcement. It's almost impossible to carry on any kind of relationship without spending money for meals, gas, events, travel, lodging, gifts, etc. VERY few people do enough in pure cash to hide affair funds in the midst of their regular cash spending. Same story for things (hotel rooms) that require credit cards - even if you pay in cash, the CC will have an authorization run to validate it. Snoopy spouses - ask the CC company for a complete listing of activity. Check out ATM action for times and locations which seem unusual, or at normal times and places, but amounts large enough to safely cover time with a 'friend'. Those avoiding getting caught... find a way around those. Also cell phone 'recent' and text messaging transcripts, computer history, caches, and site password savers. In the modern era, everything we do leaves a record. The question is how far someone is willing to go in finding it, or trying to keep that record out of sight, or hidden amongst legitimate items.
soda Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Hmmm... I think there's some questionable advice here... In the modern era, everything we do leaves a record. The question is how far someone is willing to go in finding it, or trying to keep that record out of sight, or hidden amongst legitimate items. 'Questionable' is putting it lightly. He's defined his wife as dumb...or maybe she's smart and discovered his cheating, and she's cheating, too, and she simply doesn't care what her H does. I don't know. But I do know that I see through this "strategy" without too much effort. Here's my rant of the day... People who AREN'T cheating have a much easier time explaining their days than those who are. If you are cheating, you WILL get caught if your BS wants to catch you. It's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of when. This checklist was written by a stupid, shortsighted person. My STBX and STBHL (soon to be homeless) wife used this tactic, too. Too damned bad. I let her buy an expensive car recently (when she thought "we" were still working on things, and she's about to be gut-punched for a huge bill. I talked about my intentions to walk away from the marriage with the car guy, and we almost got caught in the discussion, but he explained all the laws about divorce and property. Maybe we should have invited OM. His fat heart will explode when he sees the financial baggage my HBOAW comes with.
BlueEyedGirl Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 Agreed, I would avoid this one. Don't mention him/her at all. "Amusing" and "interesting" can sound threatening to the partner and raise eyebrows. And don't let the OW/OM use lipstick or strong perfume. I agree that one should never talk about OW/OM as amusing or interesting. On the other hand not talking about them at all would be bad too. The best solution is to casually mention OW/OM very rarely and in a negative way. Say if you work with your OW/OM say "I had a meeting with OW/OM today. He/she was so dull/boring lucky I now have another month before I have to meet her/him again". Then don't mention them at all for at least a month or so. Also when you mention OW/OM don't go overboard with the negatives. For example saying someone is "annoying stupid bitch" is way too passionate (hate is a passionate emotion too and may arouse suspicion). Better to keep it neutral and indifferent with slight leaning towards negativity.
soda Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 I agree that one should never talk about OW/OM as amusing or interesting. On the other hand not talking about them at all would be bad too. The best solution is to casually mention OW/OM very rarely and in a negative way. Say if you work with your OW/OM say "I had a meeting with OW/OM today. He/she was so dull/boring lucky I now have another month before I have to meet her/him again". Then don't mention them at all for at least a month or so. Also when you mention OW/OM don't go overboard with the negatives. For example saying someone is "annoying stupid bitch" is way too passionate (hate is a passionate emotion too and may arouse suspicion). Better to keep it neutral and indifferent with slight leaning towards negativity. Yes, this probably works sometimes when trying to deceive stupid people. My radar is more inclined to go off over this b.s. than it is to "I look forward to when the UPS guy visits the office. He's got some big guns, and he makes me laugh until I nearly pee." Cheaters often lose perspective between truth and lies. Getting away with it makes them think they can b.s. successfully forever. Telling the truth is always easier, especially when you have nothing to hide.
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 16, 2008 Author Posted August 16, 2008 I'm kind of surprised on this thread there is a 'how to' on infidelity. I guess i always took this (the "infidelity" section) as a place to come & get help either dealing with the betrayal or help on getting out of an affair & moving on. This is a different & unexpected twist, lol. One of the great things about these forums is the chance to "know the enemy." It's good to be able to look at all sides of a given issue, even when we learn things we'd really rather not know. I also think of this thread as a mental exercise as much as anything. Individual circumstances vary so much it would be impossible to define a fixed set of rules beyond "just don't do it." Hmmm... I think there's some questionable advice here... playing the game for a minute, there's no mention of money. If you're curious about what someone is doing, 'follow the money' is the first piece of advice, whether it's a snooping spouse, or law enforcement. It's almost impossible to carry on any kind of relationship without spending money for meals, gas, events, travel, lodging, gifts, etc. VERY few people do enough in pure cash to hide affair funds in the midst of their regular cash spending. Same story for things (hotel rooms) that require credit cards - even if you pay in cash, the CC will have an authorization run to validate it. Excellent point. An affair will probably cost at least a small amount of money to maintain. It may not take much though. My "friend" would sometimes find small gifts on her desk when she came into work. The most expensive was a small plant. The least expensive was a 4-leaf clover I'd found that morning. Sometimes it would be her favorite candy bar. Frequent, small displays of "I'm thinking of you" can go a long way to making a lady smile. Also, if the affair is with another married person, THEY won't want to explain the appearance of expensive gifts. Meals, drinks, and movies can be paid for with cash. Travel and lodging aren't always needed in an affair. Credit cards... They have them that are pre-paid and rechargeable. I think the main market for them is illegal aliens. It seems that would be a great way to hide expenses if you could recharge with cash. 'Questionable' is putting it lightly. He's defined his wife as dumb...or maybe she's smart and discovered his cheating, and she's cheating, too, and she simply doesn't care what her H does. I don't know. But I do know that I see through this "strategy" without too much effort. Actually, my wife is a very intelligent lady. However, she simply had no reason to suspect. Our love-life was zilch before, during, and after the PA. The time I spent "at work" or "playing poker with the buddies" didn't change significantly. Our cash flow didn't change noticeably. Some folks are paranoid or naturally snoopy. But given a choice, most will choose to believe what they'd like to believe. Here's my rant of the day... People who AREN'T cheating have a much easier time explaining their days than those who are. If you are cheating, you WILL get caught if your BS wants to catch you. It's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of when. Agree that an affair takes effort. Any relationship does. The WS needs to realize this and decide whether or not it's worth it. Getting caught is not inevitable though. If the BS suspects and tries hard enough to catch the WS at it, the odds are in the BS's favor. But again, one of the most important things is not giving them reason to suspect.
NewSunrise Posted August 17, 2008 Posted August 17, 2008 Stoopid Guy, I must say, you're "stooping" quite low. Like Owl, couldn't really pass this one up. Guess you won't be running for public office anytime soon. Wonder how your co-workers and boss think of you. Or do you even care? It's a damn shame your thread is...one sided. But hey, when a spouse cheats, it usually IS one sided. There are no "all" sides to cheating, unless you're looking to justify your choice and behavior. It's also a damn shame that you've invested so much time in figuring out how to DECEIVE your wife rather than investing the time to revamp your marriage. Imagine the possibilities IF you just tweaked your thinking, energy and refocus on your priorities that matters most at the end of the day when office "happy hour" is over. Rather than writing a guideline on how to cheat and not get caught, why bother being married? Why not give her the option to let you cheat, kick you or have an "open" marriage where she too can fool around? Who knows, maybe both of you will discover the joys of swingers club? After all, isn't marriage supposed to be "mutual" agreement? So I have to ask, have you come up with Chapter Two listing "how to save you azz" when your spouse finds out?
porter218 Posted August 21, 2008 Posted August 21, 2008 Alternately, get a "pay as you go" phone to use. nope..that is how I finally caught my H. Those accounts are very easy to hack.
Author stoopid_guy Posted August 22, 2008 Author Posted August 22, 2008 nope..that is how I finally caught my H. Those accounts are very easy to hack. The "pay as you go" should be hidden, of course. Carrying a second phone around would definately arouse interest.
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