ahah2322 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 hi guys, I have initiated 2 breakups with my bf before. Now, I feel like breaking up with him again. Reason: I feel that he's not 'in love' with me anymore. I have always broken up with him because I sincerely want him to find someone else and not be in his comfort zone. As for me; I see no point being in a relationship of unrequited love (on my part) and always feeding on loving memories. memories are beautiful things... that i want to look back on, not feed on and hope to re-live it again. I love him. so damn much. but we seem to have lost something... we are not close anymore... we have lost that spark... we don't have fun anymore...just drones in our comfort zone. I always initiate the breakups but he will be there to pull me back... and since i love him so much, my heart can't resist. But then apart for that few minutes that i treasure so much, it always turn out to be the same ol' relationship. I think he's with me because I've always been here. I'm the comfort zone. I forgot how it's like to be cherished and desired. I forgot how it's like to have so much fun with him. I forgot how it's like to be so much fun. he has admitted to this... he says i'm not the confident girl he used to know (I still am, but not with him... how can I when i don't feel desired and cherished?). he says he doesn't go 'gaga' over me anymore, and that he doesn't really look forward to spending time with me/ talking to me.... et cetera. he's a wonderful wonderful man. and i don't want any of us to be in comfort zones. cos that's not what love is. Some readers may know that after almost 4 yrs, I still haven't had sex with my bf. Pl. don't diss me about it. It's a lifestyle choice that I've currently chosen for myself (tks trialbyfire) and I think that it does not have much bearing on how our relationship is. i'm very very hurt and confused. pls. advise. :(
spookie Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 i don't want any of us to be in comfort zones. cos that's not what love is. I don't know how your relationship is, but I think that's where your problems are always gonna start.
Author ahah2322 Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 hi spookie, i don't quite understand what you meant.
spookie Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 hi spookie, i don't quite understand what you meant. What I meant was, why do you think you can't have a comfort zone with someone you love? I think lots of times people mistake the fear of loss for the other side of love, but healthy relationships require security and comfort. If you base your- and his- feelings on how badly you feel when you think about the relationship ending, you'll always be testing him to find out how much he fears losing you, and you've gotta understand that's not a sustainable way to feel close and it's just gonna push him away. Did he explicitly say he didn't look forward to seeing you anymore? Something tells me you pushed him to say that, just to have a fight. Is this your first serious relationship? What makes you feel like you're not close? Maybe you're not having fun just cause you never do fun things together anymore. Maybe instead of breaking up you should just do more fun things.
Balthazar Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 hi guys, Some readers may know that after almost 4 yrs, I still haven't had sex with my bf. Pl. don't diss me about it. It's a lifestyle choice that I've currently chosen for myself (tks trialbyfire) and I think that it does not have much bearing on how our relationship is. i'm very very hurt and confused. pls. advise. :( I respect your lifestyle choice, but how has your BF been satisfying his sexual needs for the last 4 years? Does he masturbate or date other women? Because neither is healthy when he is in a relationship with a woman. And what about yourself? Do you not want to have sex? You gloss over this, but I cannot help but question the foundation of your relationship without sex. Yet, can anyone deny the bond that comes from having sex with a woman? And if we are to believe our women, it is even more important from their POV. Whether stated explicitly or implied, many relationships are started with the purpose of marriage and children. When you take sex out of the relationship, children are not possible and the long-term aspect becomes moot. I think you need to seriously re-think the foundation of this relationship! CHeers,
Author ahah2322 Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 it's a lifestyle choice because i just turned 19. I think i am not mature enough to really handle sex. spookie, you are right. but confort zone meant that i feel he's just sticking with me cos i'm safe and he doesn't really want to be alone. like i said, i don't think he's 'in love' with me anymore. he's said that he doesn't find me 'fun' & 'confident' anymore... he definitely fears to lose me... but this is not what love should be. not fear of loss... but wanting and desiring to be together. i don't have the fear of loss and with my breakups, they were not meant to 'test' him but to really break up and let us discover ourselves back. I fear us being in a bad relationship.
matt367 Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 my gf and i were in the exact position as you are. We had comfort zones also and trust me it was nice but very dull. I was in your postion in the relationship i didnt feel loved and desired. We chose to end it and go nc after a long conversation. You deserve to be loved and cherished in your relationship even if the person you love the most cant give you what you need. I moved on and that comfort and familiarity was sorely missed but that isnt love, i think it was having that comfort factor removed so thier was void because we talked everyday and hung out as often. I still love her but you only get to live once shouldnt you be with someone who adores you and thinks your fantastic even though you think you arent? i think so thats why i moved on. Good luck.
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