frankm Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Dear ladies. I have a quick question I was hoping you could help me with. So there is this woman that I finally took out last night to dinner at this trendy Italian place near my work. We've known each other as distant associates/friends for like 6 months or so becuase we have a lot of the same friends. On the date there was better than avg convo, few silences, had a lot to talk about, joking around, etc. My gut tells me that this woman initially was giving me a chance at dating, but was probably on the fence about me, yet decided to accept the invitation to dinner. My question is this: if you were this woman, and by the end of the date you decided you most likely would like to just remain friends, would you insist on splitting the check to give the guy a hint that you'd only like to remain friends? Or would you think that this would be insulting to the guy and would just let him pay, and then break the "let's just be friends" speech later? Basically, I'm trying to gauge whether it's a good sign that the girl did NOT offer to pay, and I'm wondering if this means she does not see us as just friends (for the time being at least). Thanks a lot for the feedback.
KC11111 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I've always offered to help chip in or at least pay for the tip or something, I know I should leave that up to the guy but I sympathize in the sense where why should he always have to be the one who pays for everything. So if she's like me, she was just being courteous is all & not so much about her seeing you as a friend. The opposite, are the ones with the princess mentality where she lets you wine & dine her and then never calls back when you call her afterwards to set up another date.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 It's really difficult to tell with only one date. There are all kinds of women with all kinds of perspectives. You'll even find some women who believe that the man is always responsible for paying for every date. Myself, if I let you pay for the first date, it means I'm open for a second date. If I don't want a second date, I'll pay for the entire dinner, including your meal.
Author frankm Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 Thanks so far...could I please get more opinons please? Is there anyone here that would NOT offer to pay for the meal even if you did not want to see the guy again?
Jilly Bean Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I wouldn't offer to pay if you were a date, or a friend.
itgirlragdoll Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 You really can't judge based on that...I've always offered to chip in or split the bill on my dates, even though the guy usually insists otherwise. It's not because I don't like the guy, it's because I feel things should be equal and don't see why he should have to pay for everything. Also works in the opposite direction...her not offering doesn't necessarily mean she wants to continue dating you (or otherwise). I think it's just a matter of what some people think is "proper".
Author frankm Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 I wouldn't offer to pay if you were a date, or a friend. Thanks for the response! Could you tell me why not if you just saw the guy as a friend...? It would help me out a lot to get the woman's side of things...
Sweet Jane Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Myself, if I let you pay for the first date, it means I'm open for a second date. If I don't want a second date, I'll pay for the entire dinner, including your meal. Trailbyfire, that is exactly what I do. The clean guilt free get away. frankm, I think everything looks good so far. We women have so many worries. Sometimes it takes a while to let the guard down.
KC11111 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Each woman is different & you can't base someone's interest level in someone over that one detail alone especially on a 1st date. What you should be looking for are other factors, has she made herself available to go on a 2nd/3rd date - etc. If she's interested in you beyond friendship, then she will want to go on another date, etc. She will make herself available to spend time with you, etc. That's generally how it works when a woman is interested in someone beyond platonic.
Jilly Bean Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Thanks for the response! Could you tell me why not if you just saw the guy as a friend...? It would help me out a lot to get the woman's side of things... Couple of reasons. Most of my guy friends just offer to pay before I even reach for my wallet, so I don't even bother. They're just that type of guy, and I have gotten into the habit of expecting that from certain guys. Maybe if we do dinner and a movie, he pays for dinner and the movie tickets, and maybe I buy popcorn. Sometimes. lol. Others, if we have a history of longtime friendship, we tend to switch off who treats, rather than splitting the bill.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I would never ask a guy to pay for me unless we're dating or going out. Even then I wouldn't ask him to pay for everything because I feel uncomfortable owing ppl. I wouldn't mind going dutch and pay for my half of the share. And its really hard to gauge whether she likes you or not because she didn't offer to pay. Different woman have different views on the whole dinner date. What you can hope for is a call back from her to thank you for dinner. That will open up the opportunity for you to ask her out again.
sfsassy Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I always offer to pay. In dating relationships, I switch off with a guy. I have a guy friend who I regularly go out to lunch with, and we switch off paying.
Angel1111 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 It would never occur to me to pay on the first date, whether I liked the guy or not. I'm not sure where you're getting this idea that a woman would do something like this in order to give a guy a hint that she's no longer interested. Maybe some women do it but I've never heard of it. What you would be better off paying attention to is how she reacts to you, and if you mentioned seeing her again, what her expression was like. Body language can tell you a lot, too. But if none of that helps, then call her up to talk and then ask her if she'd like to go out again sometime. A few little awkward silences during a first date don't spell death for a relationship. Nothing says that either of you have to be talking at all times. I wouldn't over-analyze it if I were you. She can't keep lying to you if you keep asking her out.
babycookies Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 For me, yes, it means I like the guy enough to let him pay for me. I'm probably in the minority though. If I don't like the guy by the end of the date, I offer to pay because I don't want to "owe" him anything or make it an official "date". I don't want him to expect anything because he treated me w/ dinner. But if I like the guy, I will let him pay for me and make it a "real date."
Shygirl15 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I always let the guy pay at least on our first date, and that has nothing to do with me liking him or not. I think it's the respectful thing to do allowing a man be a man.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I always offer to pay whether I like the guy or not. I don't really think you will be able to tell from that if she is open to you.
The Collector Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Dinner dates suck. Did you try and kiss her? That would be a much more reliable test than whether she offered to pay or not. I'm guessing you didn't, so you're closer to the friend-zone than before. Next time just go for a casual drink, and touch her a little (arm, hands, shoulder etc) and see how she responds.
vonerik012 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 It's really difficult to tell with only one date. There are all kinds of women with all kinds of perspectives. You'll even find some women who believe that the man is always responsible for paying for every date. Myself, if I let you pay for the first date, it means I'm open for a second date. If I don't want a second date, I'll pay for the entire dinner, including your meal. Why? Some type of passive aggressive statement?
Shygirl15 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Dinner dates suck. Did you try and kiss her? That would be a much more reliable test than whether she offered to pay or not. I'm guessing you didn't, so you're closer to the friend-zone than before. Next time just go for a casual drink, and touch her a little (arm, hands, shoulder etc) and see how she responds. Are suggesting that he could have kissed her on 1st date really?? That would have ruined any chance with her if she's decent woman, IMO. OP, why can't you just ask her what she thinks of you? That may help straightening things up. I went on 1st date with a guy last Friday, and even though there wasn't any physical contact between us, I thought it was pretty clear that I liked him. However, looks like he wasn't quite sure; he called me the same evening and straight up asked what I thought of him and the whole thing, to which I was happy to clarify to him. He said it didn't show I was interested much during our date. Stop giving yourself these headaches and talk to her. That's likely to help more than posting several threads about her.
The Collector Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Are suggesting that he could have kissed her on 1st date really?? That would have ruined any chance with her if she's decent woman, IMO. So let's say you're on a date with a man, maybe you like him and wouldn't mind seeing him again. Then at some point, as you're dancing or when he's escorted you home, or you've just had a coffee or at any other vaguely appropriate moment he leans in for a kiss.... that's it, he's history and you'd never see him again. Hilarious.
Star Gazer Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I always let the guy pay on the first date, regardless of whether I like him or not. So I don't think a conclusion can be made at this point...you'll just have to ask her out for a second date.
Shygirl15 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 So let's say you're on a date with a man, maybe you like him and wouldn't mind seeing him again. Then at some point, as you're dancing or when he's escorted you home, or you've just had a coffee or at any other vaguely appropriate moment he leans in for a kiss.... that's it, he's history and you'd never see him again. Hilarious. I would kiss him on the cheek or something. Want to know what's hilarious? It's when a guy expects a full kiss on a 1st date.
mortensorchid Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 After one get together? Hard to say. But I can say this - as a woman, if the man does not offer to pay for my meal especially on our first get together, I know he's a jerk. "Jerk" is a very nice word for it, I would like to add.
The Collector Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 So it wouldn't ruin any chance of seeing you - a quality woman - again, as you first claimed? By saying that any 'decent woman' wouldn't kiss on the first date you are disparaging all of my previous girlfriends and probably most women on this board. Truth is, and this may not include you, most women will do all sorts with a man who really turns them on - ie not the sort of man who calls up after a date to ask if she likes him. They might not admit that on an internet forum of course.
The Collector Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 After one get together? Hard to say. But I can say this - as a woman, if the man does not offer to pay for my meal especially on our first get together, I know he's a jerk. "Jerk" is a very nice word for it, I would like to add. And as a man, if a woman thinks she is entitled to have all her food and drink paid for while attempting to shame and scare any man that dares question it, I know she's a cheapskate . Cheapskate is a nice word for it I would like to add.
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