slept with ex after 8 months of being strong -

[sienna_2008]

I did the most stupid thing last night; I slept with my ex.

 

We had a very rocky 1 year relationship in which he was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, selfish, unloving, manipulative and vindictive. Being with him was nothing but an emotional roller-coaster ride. He lead me to believe that he wanted to make a life with me, settle down, marry, have a child -- but it was all just manipulation on his part.

 

This ended this past November - when he dumped me by email (this being the 2nd time he'd done this) - this was just a few days after we'd spent 2 weeks with a realtor, looking at homes, talking about building a house together. I was devastated. Over the past 8 months he's very lamely tried to get me back but he's really not ever made any true effort. Mostly just lame one-line emails on a weekly basis, inviting me for dinner or a drink. He's never apologized for the hurt he's caused me (because I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong).

 

I have been strong and resisted his attempts to suck me back in. To be with him is nothing but a road to nowhere. Although he lead me to believe differently in the beginning of our relationship, as time passed I learned that he has no value or belief in marriage - to him it's a stupid piece of paper. We are just on 2 different pages. I did foolishly agree to meet him 6 weeks ago; he wanted us to "talk" - and I went to meet him -- but as usual, he had nothing intelligent to say.......and when he asked me why we couldn't seem to get along and I told him, he arrogantly dismissed every point I brought up -- and minimized each point, telling me I should just 'forget the past' and basically just lighten up and focus on us 'having fun.' (such an adult not). I realized after agreeing to meet that evening that it was a mistake and to get back with him would mean that all the nasty things he's done and said to me while together, the fact that I don't trust him (particularly, to not just dump me out of the blue in the future, by email again).......if I agreed to go back then all the standing up for myself I did, it would have all been for nothing. So I told him it had been a mistake and I didn't wish to see him again.

 

Since then, he's continued to email me here and there (also through the online dating site that we're both on, which I think is tacky on his part). Maybe out of boredom, I agreed last night to go for a drink with him. I guess there's a part of me that always thinks that he will 'grow up' and realize what a good thing he had in me. The minute he picked me up, it was like yesterday -- back to him bragging about himself, all the great things he's doing, how busy his weekend is with golfing on some expensive course, how his tan is darker than mine, etc. Like a child.

 

He takes me to the place we first went for a drink at - back when we first started seeing each other. He said he chose that place because it was going to be a new beginning for us. I had 3 drinks, enough for me to feel tipsy. The conversation while out on the patio at this place wasn't bad but just superficial - him talking mostly about himself and asking nothing about me. Telling me how the waitress was someone who lives down the street from him and how one of his male neighbors was trying to set the 2 of them up. Then he starts telling me about some girl he met on the dating site, how they met for coffee at a starbuck's but she was "weird." Why he'd choose to tell me these things I don't know. I"m not a jealous or possessive person so I don't get bent out of shape to hear this stuff, it just didn't seem appropriate.

 

I thought he was being romantic......after drinks we went for a drive in the country as there was a thunder and lightening storm.......and we just sat there in his truck watching the sky light up. That was really neat. Then he was all sweet and kissy and wanted me to go back to his place. Stupidly I went. We had sex. It was over in 5 minutes (that's usual for him, which is pathetic considering he's only 36). Then as per usual, he jumps up when we're done, grabs me a towel and proceeds to go downstairs to watch tv and have a cigarette. no holding, no talking, no nothing.

 

I couldn't sleep all night in his bed because he snores so I got up and went into his spare room to sleep, where I slept all night long. I woke up with a wicked headache. he had 2 alarm clocks going, starting at 6am (though he didn't even have to be up until 9am). He'd sleep through them. I got up to pee and he heard me up and came to ask me what I was doing (as I'm sitting on the toilet). He then goes back to sleep. I felt so disgusted, I just put on my clothes and drove home. I haven't heard from him since. He had some big golf game during the day and some "guys only" BBQ this evening. You'd think he'd have phoned me before leaving for golf, to ask why I just left. I feel like he just got what he wanted, and I blame myself for that.

 

He made several references last night to him being my boyfriend - which made me laugh because with him it's all so simple; we go for a drink and suddenly we're back to being a couple - despite the fact that he's never taken responsibility for how much he's hurt me in the past. He loves to just sweep things under the rug.

 

I have never in my life had sex with an ex; ever. Nor have I had a one night stand. I feel like trash today. I just slept all day. I've left myself down. All the standing up for myself I did over the past 8 months, I just undid it all last night. Now he thinks even moreso that he's a "legend" and that he's not such a bad guy. All I've done by agreeing to meet with him, and sleep with him, is reinforce his delusional belief that he's a great guy and that he's never treated me badly.

 

WHy did I have sex? I don't know. Sex with him was never even that great. He's an 8 second pony ride, doesn't know anything about foreplay, not very loving -- more just the time to wam, bam put it in and do his thing then jump up and go downstairs for a smoke. No passion. I guess last night I just was curious. Maybe just missed that closeness with someone (it's been 8 months since I had sex, and of course back then it was with him).

 

I can't feel that he used me because he didn't force me to make such a stupid decision, I did so of my own free will.

 

I don't know where to go from here. I'm disgusted with myself. Frankly I don't think I want to ever see him again because he's still the same arrogant, selfish d*ck he always was - and not even good in bed, still.

[nowhereman82]

Ouch. That was a hard read and I am sorry it happened.

 

First alarm that went off for me was that he kept asking for you to go out for drinks. People use that as a crutch. Weather he was just trying to get you in the sack from the beginning that's a different story.

 

But him having to be sauced up to talk to you is a bad sign. And then his conversation was just completely wrong. Bad sign of charactor again.

 

I suggest taking it as a life lesson and don't let a man do that again and don't let yourself fall for it

[BackonTrack]

You have to find someone else to occupy your time inorder to forget about him

[sienna_2008]

I felt lousy all day yesterday, ashamed of myself, embarassed at my stupid lack of judgement - so much so that i pretty much just slept all day. I am not an 'easy' woman'........I have never had a one night stand, I have never allowed myself to be used for sex, I've always been much smarter than that.

 

Well I guess after a long fun-filled golfing day with "the boys", and a "guys only" (apparently) party that evening, once he'd had his fill of booze and laughs, he decided to give me a call. Starting at nearly 1:00am, he kept calling and calling my house. I figured he was calling because he was too drunk to drive home (it sounded like it, based on his voicemail message) and was just wanting to use me -- to drive into the city and pick him up. No way was I going to do that (I used to get conned into that when we were together -- I figure if I'm not good enough to take part in the activities of the party/bbq, you can phuk yourself if you think I'm going to be your taxi driver). That or else he was drunk and h*rny.

 

I didn't answer the phone. Then at 1:30am he shows up at my front door. My doorbell doesn't work so he must have stood there for 10 minutes, knocking. I refused to answer.

 

This is not respect. I am not some booty call. You can't phone me all day to say 'hi' but at the end of it, when you've had your fun with your pals, you can call and wake me up and what - think you might get lucky? This is exactly the kind of blatant disrespect I dealt with while we were together. I'm 41, he's nearly 37 - he's old enough to know better, and he knows me well enough to know that I am not anyone's booty call.

[norajane]

If I were you, I'd just drop off the face of the earth. Do not answer any calls, emails, whatever. Block him from your IM, facebook, everything.

 

It's past time to throw this fish back into the sea and move on. You will get nothing more from him than you've gotten all this time. He's 37 - he's not about to become a good guy now since he hasn't yet.

[sienna_2008]

Nora Jane, you are absolutely right, that's what I have to do.

 

It's now 12:30pm and I've not heard a word from him. I guess he doesn't have much to say now that he wasn't able to get laid last night -- and in some twisted way, he's probably angry at me for ignoring him.

 

I'm not even sure I could ever face him again.

 

When I woke up Saturday morning and got up, got dressed and left - he'd have awoken to find me gone. If he'd have cared, he'd have called or emailed to ask "why" I just left - but he didn't even care. But then thinks he can call in the middle of the night, drunk, and that I'll just be there to pick up the phone. I am so disgusted with him, and with myself. I am 41 and I have never done something so stupid in all my life. Over these past 8-9 months that we've been apart, he's tried many times to charm me into coming over to his house - sometimes with lame attempts like "please just come over, I want to hold you, spend the night, we won't have sex." and I always saw through it.........and I prided myself for being smarter than he gave me credit for. But look what I did; all the 'standing up for myself' I did all these months, I allowed it to be undone in 5 minutes. I don't think he's ever really had any respect for me, now he has even less - and that's my fault.

 

I have really let myself down, in a big way. Other than this forum here, I'd be far too ashamed to admit this to anyone I know (friends, family). I allowed him to make a fool of me and I can only blame myself.

 

You're right though, I need to disappear; to ignore him completely and totally and hopefully one day I'll be able to stop beating myself up about my total lapse in judgement.

[BackonTrack]

woah, baby girl.

u need to relax.

 

u love him, for better or worst, u love him.

 

you can go complete nc or find someone else.

those are your only two options

 

try those datting sites, i hear they work

[BurningRoses]

Sweetie-

We all have moments, some of us more than others, where we are not our most powerful. But you stuck by your guns, and didn't let him in again, you should be proud of yourself. Good for you that you realize that you deserve better, that is step one! I don't know about dating sites, because even though you realize the unhealthiness of the situation, you were still in a vulnerable place. My advice is , go buy a packet of bath salts, a gorgeous outfit that you normally would not wear, do your hair and make up in a more bold way than usual, and go out and talk. Don't conciously flirt , don't try to hook another one, just talk, to anyone and everyone who appears interesting. Remember your "inner fabulousness" and the rest will eventually follow, don't think because you "slipped" that anyone else is better than you. Everyone has things they are not proud of and 90% of them are waaayyy worse than what you did dear.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think you should be very proud rather than disgusted.

 

You may have slipped up but we all do at the best of times and despite this slip you have not deluded yourself into starting things up again. You are VERY strong and should be VERY proud.

[sienna_2008]

Thanks for the support and advice, everyone. I sure do appreciate it. this is the only place I can admit my total lapse in judgement and it's helped to take some of the load off, for sure.

 

He called me up at work today, and chewed me out - very rude and obnoxious and raising his voice, angry at me, how on earth could I possibly think he was just using me for sex!!! - I should "know him better than that" and basically he had nothing more to say about it, he had no desire to talk about it because he's going on vacation in a few days and is busy at work, too bad so sad for me. He then just hung up on me. I've never heard him so angry, not ever. So perhaps he really wasn't using me (for I think if he had been, he wouldn't give me the time of day, well not that he really is) -- I mean, he wouldn't be so angry that I'd have misjudged him. But whatever, it's still all about him twisting the blame, not trying to see things from my perspective .............expecting that because we slept together on Friday night that I instantly just "knew" he wanted to be back with me (he's never been good at communication - mostly because he's lazy and so self-absorbed that I don't think he figures he should have to explain himself or his feelings to anyone, they should just be able to read his mind).

 

So now I am the 'bad guy' here, all because I stood up for myself. Same sh*t, different month with him. He's never been able to see things from my point of view, never been able to say "i'm sorry" (usually you have to mean it in order to say it), just always pointing the finger at me.

 

I'm sorry but I think it's rude to call someone you're trying to get back together with, after a day of golfing and partying your face off -- 7 times in a row at 1:00am (sat night)........then showing up drunk on their doorstep. How else was I supposed to take that? A real man would have called during the day to ask "would it be alright if I come over to see you once I get back into town?" -- but that's him, no respect, does what he wants, no regard for me.

 

One of my close friends, I mentioned a bit of this to today..........and she asked me, "so when he took you out for drinks Friday night, and you went back to his place -- did he at least tell you how he felt about you? did he at least tell you that he wanted to be back with you?" I told her "no - he told me nothing - I guess I was just supposed to read his mind. She was appalled that he's tried to suck me back in for 9 months now and when he has the chance, err, it appears I'm giving him a chance, he can't even tell me how he feels................because I guess he's far too "above that". It's no wonder I felt I was just used. Why would I think any different?

 

Thanks everyone. Somehow, some way, I have to completely and totally ignore him. He's a total source of stress and tears and second-guessing myself. He's a killer on the self esteem and he causes me to doubt myself, even when it's standing UP for myself. He is like poison; he sucks the happpiness out of me and fills it with tension, stress, anxiety, overanalyzing, tears and sadness. Every time. It never changes.