Does The Sex really Stop between MM and W when they tell you it does?

August 10, 2008

Thankyou Art Critic for the advice. I just never know what to believe anymore - I think you may be right in what you say. In the past I have had alot of selective hearing with MM. Now I don't - I'm hearing things louder and clearer with my own voice in my head.

He confuses me - can be so perfect and wonderful- do so much for me - then turn in an instant and been in the most horrible mood. It's like he has all the problems and my heartache is not recognized sometimes. Only when I become a complete, hysterical mess will he finally see and then comfort me. It's like a viscious cycle.

Trying so hard to get my head around this and just leave. I am getting there slowly. I hope to put a thread on here one day showing I am in a happier place so I can offer others some advice.

August 10, 2008

In my situation,my H told the OW we no longer had sex,that he showed no interest in me.

That was A huge lie,because we had sex almost everyday,reading my H emails between OW and him I learned we had a way better sex life then him and her.

At the same time with my OM I also told them lies about not having a sex life with my H,I was more truthful with some of the OM then other's.

August 10, 2008

My MM's W told me they still had a good sex life when she called me. I asked my MM prior to speaking with his W, felt horrible asking but needed to know he said they had sex once a week, which I would assume after 26 years of M is pretty good!!!

August 10, 2008

My MM's W told me they still had a good sex life when she called me. I asked my MM prior to speaking with his W, felt horrible asking but needed to know he said they had sex once a week, which I would assume after 26 years of M is pretty good!!!

How did that make you feel? Did you ever ask him before or wonder? I told my MM if he did - I would leave him. Simply because he told me that he wouldn't sleep with her and that he was 'working' towards leaving her and didn't want to give her any false hope that there was a chance their marriage would work again..... too much head noise for me today.... a very bad day.... not coping well at all

August 10, 2008

He will share secrets with me. About his M and all, the problems etc. He complains I don't talk enough about how I'm feeling. It just doesn't sound right to me anymore. I get that 'gut feeling' of not knowing...... Not knowing what is truth and what is lie.

He may be honest with you in the heat of the moment, but the thing is, this man is LYING and DECEIVING his wife, so please don't think that he hasn't ever lied to you, or omitted certain truths. What you're experiencing goes hand in hand when one has an affair with a married person. You knew he was married from day one. Asking about his sex life or any intimate moments he shares with his wife, whether it be a cuddle, a massage, a kiss, really isn't your business. Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh, but he IS married.

I always told him to be honest with me and that if he slept with his wife to tell me - because I would walk. So of course - he would never tell me now if it did happen - would he?? He even jokes around about it sometimes "I was with my wife last night" - then he laughs and says 'Just joking' - I can assume that this is absolute poor behaviour on his behalf and yet I have let him do this.

So fact is you threatened him, if he is or has slept with his wife, he certainly isn't going to tell you. Don't you feel offended when he jokes about it? Disrespects what you feel, he KNOWS it'll bug you, yet he does it anyway...

Would you put up with such treatment from a single guy?

My head is slowly clearing about all of this. Reading this back to myself, sounds like a horrible place to be in, yet I still feel somewhat trapped.... Trying day by day to move on......... without him

You're trapped because you're letting feelings and your heart rule here. Take a step back and ask yourself if this were my bestfriend - What advice would I give her? If you can distance yourself and try to be objective maybe it'll help you detach and see what the realistic side of your situation is.

Fact is, he isn't going to leave his wife, even if he has told you he will (one day)..One day or any fantasy talks of what if's isn't reality. It's hopeful and wishful thinking..

You deserve better and more - Unfortunately for you, this guy isn't it, even though you love him, he can only offer you bits and pieces of himself to you on HIS time frame, HIS terms.

August 10, 2008

some MM are NOT lying to their OW.. some are... but if he is lying about having sex with his W.. the only reason is that he doesn't want to lose you... simple.

Not all truths are good to tell.. so he may just want to prevent you from being hurt if you hear that truth..

A lot.. and I mean it.. a LOT of MM are NOT having the sex they want from their W... if they do.. they have it about once every 4-6 weeks in many cases.

'Cereal' cheaters ... like someone said are rather rare.. most MM only want one OW (at a time ) because in most cases, they truly love her... this is in general.. and the A usually last for years.

August 10, 2008

OP, IMO, the best way to approach NC is to focus on it as a tool to heal yourself, irrespective of the totality of the life of the person you are/were involved with. Even the smallest facet of their life or your R with them will disrupt your healing. This is a cognitive process. Your head must rule your heart to the exclusion of all else.

Assume the MM was lying. Assume he's boning his wife every day. Assume he still loves her. Assume he was just using you for an ego feed. Does that make the process any easier? Hell no. It's as painful as anything you'll ever go through.

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day that you wonder about the why's and how come's and what if's, you've wasted time that could be spent on someone and something far more important. That's you

August 10, 2008

OP, IMO, the best way to approach NC is to focus on it as a tool to heal yourself, irrespective of the totality of the life of the person you are/were involved with. Even the smallest facet of their life or your R with them will disrupt your healing. This is a cognitive process. Your head must rule your heart to the exclusion of all else.

Assume the MM was lying. Assume he's boning his wife every day. Assume he still loves her. Assume he was just using you for an ego feed. Does that make the process any easier? Hell no. It's as painful as anything you'll ever go through.

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day that you wonder about the why's and how come's and what if's, you've wasted time that could be spent on someone and something far more important. That's you

This is true.. but sooooo freaken hard to do.. when someone is head over heels in love with a married person.. they know all this.. they know, in most cases, that they are wasting their time, they are NOT happy with the situation, BUT they just can't let them go.. because they NEVER know if the MP is being honest or not with them... there is always that freaken 'doubt' ... which makes it impossible to move on..

btdt.. for 11 years the best years of my life.. that could have determine a completely different path in my life... but I'll never know if the other path would have been better or worse..

August 10, 2008

I got you beat Lizzie...how old are your children?

My simple solution, with the help of MC, has been to determine that anything in relationships that, to me, appear to be dramatic, are now unhealthy and are to be avoided. This has not only diffused my feelings of past love, it has allowed me to set firmer and more clear boundaries in my marriage.

IMO, for the OP, all that uncertainty defines the drama. Remove that and what do you have? Clarity

August 10, 2008

I got you beat Lizzie...how old are your children?

My simple solution, with the help of MC, has been to determine that anything in relationships that, to me, appear to be dramatic, are now unhealthy and are to be avoided. This has not only diffused my feelings of past love, it has allowed me to set firmer and more clear boundaries in my marriage.

IMO, for the OP, all that uncertainty defines the drama. Remove that and what do you have? Clarity

Why.. my children are 32 and 24...

August 10, 2008

24 would be about right. I was 25 when I met my MW friend. Said goodbye (again) about 2 months ago. Math isn't my strong suit

August 10, 2008

This is true.. but sooooo freaken hard to do.. when someone is head over heels in love with a married person.. they know all this.. they know, in most cases, that they are wasting their time, they are NOT happy with the situation, BUT they just can't let them go.. because they NEVER know if the MP is being honest or not with them... there is always that freaken 'doubt' ... which makes it impossible to move on..

This is SO true, so incredibly true Lizzie you explained it so perfectly.

Not knowing always leaves that door of hope open, it leaves room for possibilities and makes closure impossible this was the hardest of all. You are in love, you never had the chance to let those feelings die like what happens during the wear and tear of a normal relationship that is running its course, a regular rel breakup is hard but very different. When I say around here that a person that has never been in the OP shoes or the WS shoes gives advice as if they knew what it is like to do NC etc I don't say that to be rude or to undermine their expertiese it's that it really is a very different experience. Had I not gone through it myself I TOO would imagine it is like any other hurtful breakup, and it really isn't it is a beast of its own.

On the topic of if there is sex or not, I feel it happens both ways some lie some don't. And to those people that say they were having sex with their spouses 2-3 times a day while they were cheating then I would say that sex was not the issue in that marriage for the infidelity, the issue was the emotional connection so the WS were looking for an emotional affair. That makes it even more complex in terms of why they cheated I would think...and I don't know how you can take someone back that was so starved form an emotional connection, they prefered lying to you over commincating it to you..? But that's another story.

On a side note there is one good way you can find out if he is lying to you about his sexual habits at home, WARNING this will be explicit:

Give him a hickey on his inner thigh or anywhere near his privates. If there is no action at all between his W and him then he should have no problem and not get worked up about how he will conceal this since he shouldn't have to if his W is not around his privates anyway. Be creative.

It's not about burning him with his W or hurting his W it is about blowing his cover and protecting yourself if you feel he is lying to you.

August 10, 2008

Just wanted to know - since this is a situation I find so hard to cope with - do people really believe that MM stop sleeping with their W and stay in the 'spare room'?

Do they really stop sleeping with their W and start sleeping in the spare room, or was I just a fool to believe him again?

Yes, it really does happened. After they had the divorce talk and started planning for it, that's where he slept. The process was started and within 2 months they separated.

When I was married, my XH slept on the couch for the last 2 years we were together. (No I didn't cheat.)

There are some M's where there is a lot of sex involved, but there are MANY M's where there is no sex involved.

If you want out, then get out. He could be telling the truth, he could be lying. But if you don't trust him, that's the biggest red flag to me. Your R will not survive if you have no trust between you two.

GEL

August 10, 2008

How did that make you feel? Did you ever ask him before or wonder? I told my MM if he did - I would leave him. Simply because he told me that he wouldn't sleep with her and that he was 'working' towards leaving her and didn't want to give her any false hope that there was a chance their marriage would work again..... too much head noise for me today.... a very bad day.... not coping well at all

Look, before you go down that slippery slope and start drawing conclusions one way or another, try to remember that you're in a situation where trust is a difficult thing to maintain long-term. You're with a man who is committed to someone else and you have expectations that are just not realistic in this particular situation.

He cannot fully commit to you under these circumstances. If he sleeps with his wife, that cannot be a total shock to you. It doesn't matter what you have told him about that, by being in this relationship with him, you are agreeing to the variables. And by telling him that you'll leave him if he admits to sleeping with his wife, you've set yourself up to be lied to. That's not a judgement, it's just an observation.

Instead of focusing on things you absolutely cannot know, forcus on what you do know, and act on those things. What you do know is that these doubts in your mind are deteriorating the quality of your relationship with MM. What you do know is that he is married and that has not changed. You know that he could just as easily tell you the truth as he could lie to you. There may be other things but this is how to act on the things listed. Decide what works for you, what will allow you to keep your feelings of love and support alive without creating a permanent rift between the two of you.

So you need to decide what YOU need to do, not what he needs to do. And then you need to talk to him honestly, without criticism or judgement, and let him know exactly how all of this is playing with your head and heart. Based on the things you're saying here, the best scenario for you right now would be to end the sexual part of your relationship with him but still be there to talk to you if you both want that.

But please understand that you cannot and should not control what he does or what decisions he makes. The only thing you can do is respect his choices and act from there.

August 10, 2008

How did that make you feel? Did you ever ask him before or wonder? I told my MM if he did - I would leave him. Simply because he told me that he wouldn't sleep with her and that he was 'working' towards leaving her and didn't want to give her any false hope that there was a chance their marriage would work again..... too much head noise for me today.... a very bad day.... not coping well at all

Made my nights very hard, laying in bed & thinking about it, but you block it out, I think as the O/W you learn to block things out, you have to or it will drive you mad. I think for me, him having a sex life with his W is the easiest factor to cope with, the thought of them shopping together, going out for meals together, holidays together, sat in front the tv together, having friends round for a meal, living a life together, his W being the one, him going home to his W, him being there for her, when she cries that's where is, when I cry for him I'm on my own. It's not nice to think that they have a sexual relationship but it hurts more that she owns his heart.

August 10, 2008

Made my nights very hard, laying in bed & thinking about it, but you block it out, I think as the O/W you learn to block things out, you have to or it will drive you mad. I think for me, him having a sex life with his W is the easiest factor to cope with, the thought of them shopping together, going out for meals together, holidays together, sat in front the tv together, having friends round for a meal, living a life together, his W being the one, him going home to his W, him being there for her, when she cries that's where is, when I cry for him I'm on my own. It's not nice to think that they have a sexual relationship but it hurts more that she owns his heart.

If a man is cheating on his wife, there's a very high chance that she doesn't own his heart. She may own his life, his actions, his time - but not his heart.

August 10, 2008

I think for me, him having a sex life with his W is the easiest factor to cope with, the thought of them shopping together, going out for meals together, holidays together, sat in front the tv together, having friends round for a meal, living a life together, his W being the one, him going home to his W, him being there for her, when she cries that's where is, when I cry for him I'm on my own. It's not nice to think that they have a sexual relationship but it hurts more that she owns his heart.

Not wanting to state the obvious but these are ALL very good reasons to dump him and have a relationship with an available man.

You don't have to worry about if he is banging his wife or spending time around the dinner table talking with her..

Why is it that you would want to short sheet yourself in such a manner ?

August 10, 2008

If a man is cheating on his wife, there's a very high chance that she doesn't own his heart. She may own his life, his actions, his time - but not his heart.

[bitterness] There's also a very high chance that he doesn't have a heart.[/bitterness]

August 10, 2008

If a man is cheating on his wife, there's a very high chance that she doesn't own his heart. She may own his life, his actions, his time - but not his heart.

I think one can cheat on their spouse and still be in love with the spouse,all situations differ we are all different.

August 10, 2008

If you were having sex 2-4 a day, when did he sleep with her? How do you know that he was telling her a lie? Is the A over?

Yes the A ended soon after I discovered it. I left him and in reaction to our breakup he ended it with her. His lies had been brought too much to the light to continue his fantasy relationship with her. I know he was telling her lies because we had many long conversations about the A(the OW and myself). He told her we were not sleeping together(lie) he was still in the M to help financially support me and our son(bigger lie...I was the main breadwinner) and also that he was planning on leaving soon. I know that was a lie because around the time that he was claiming to her that he was getting prepared to leave he was actually in the process of trying to convince me to buy a bigger house with him for our family. He even was in the middle of putting together the plans for our family vacation and constantly talking about what he wanted for the future of our M. When I found out abut the A, I told him he could have her because I will never fight for a man. He immediately ended it with her and begged me to take him back and even told me that if killing his OW would get me to stay then he would do it(he was serious). Only 10% of what he told her was true.

When did he sleep with her...on his way home from work right before he came home to me. and another thing- she wasn't the only one...she was just 1 out of about 4 or 5.

August 10, 2008

[bitterness] There's also a very high chance that he doesn't have a heart.[/bitterness]

Hi Wildsoul

With you on that statement!!!

August 10, 2008

He immediately ended it with her and begged me to take him back and even told me that if killing his OW would get me to stay then he would do it(he was serious)

Nice! And you stayed with this spineless baby?

That's just as low as man can sink really, not only can he not face up to his actions and own his mistakes he will take it one step further and threaten to murder another human being to "clean his slate"

I am embarassed for him.

August 10, 2008

Yes the A ended soon after I discovered it. I left him and in reaction to our breakup he ended it with her. His lies had been brought too much to the light to continue his fantasy relationship with her. I know he was telling her lies because we had many long conversations about the A(the OW and myself). He told her we were not sleeping together(lie) he was still in the M to help financially support me and our son(bigger lie...I was the main breadwinner) and also that he was planning on leaving soon. I know that was a lie because around the time that he was claiming to her that he was getting prepared to leave he was actually in the process of trying to convince me to buy a bigger house with him for our family. He even was in the middle of putting together the plans for our family vacation and constantly talking about what he wanted for the future of our M. When I found out abut the A, I told him he could have her because I will never fight for a man. He immediately ended it with her and begged me to take him back and even told me that if killing his OW would get me to stay then he would do it(he was serious). Only 10% of what he told her was true.
When did he sleep with her...on his way home from work right before he came home to me. and another thing- she wasn't the only one...she was just 1 out of about 4 or 5.

Not to be rude but don't believe this story at all. I don't know why on earth a man would cheat on someone he has sex with that often and who would be willing to commit murder. Why? Because he's so nuts about you??? I'm sorry, this doesn't even sound close to realistic. What sounds more realistic is that he left you for the OW and you're just really bitter and want to say hurtful things to this OW. If I'm wrong, then I apologize. But you gotta admit this picture you're painting looks very unlikely.

Also, if it is true, then I still think it's a rare thing for a man to take things to this extreme and lie to this extent.

August 10, 2008

Not to be rude but don't believe this story at all. I don't know why on earth a man would cheat on someone he has sex with that often and who would be willing to commit murder. Why? Because he's so nuts about you??? I'm sorry, this doesn't even sound close to realistic. What sounds more realistic is that he left you for the OW and you're just really bitter and want to say hurtful things to this OW. If I'm wrong, then I apologize. But you gotta admit this picture you're painting looks very unlikely.

Also, if it is true, then I still think it's a rare thing for a man to take things to this extreme and lie to this extent.

I KNOW!!! I totally agree that story is embarassing.

August 10, 2008

[bitterness] There's also a very high chance that he doesn't have a heart.[/bitterness]

This is exactly the attitude that causes loving relationships to die.

Figure out YOU'RE part that contributes to a relationship going upside down and change THAT. In every single case where a single woman is involved with a MM, she contributes to it by agreeing to be in the relationship in the first place. If you downplay that and don't take responsibility for your actions, things will crash and burn. There is a way to end things lovingly so that you don't walk away bitter and blaming. Blame is often a mirror - so be very careful that the finger you're pointing at the MM isn't pointing right back at you.

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Does The Sex really Stop between MM and W when they tell you it does?

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