Ladyjane14 Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 There's so many of you right now... and my LS habit is completely out of hand as it is, so I can't get to all your threads. But I have something on my mind today, so I thought I'd gather you all in and share it. Do you know what MOST women really want??? ... they want the guy they originally married. They want the guy who thought they hung the moon, the one who was utterly fascinated by them. They want the guy who made them laugh, the guy who was fun and easy to be with. They want the guy who made their heart go pitter-patter, even if it's only now and then. They want the guy who smiled more than he frowned. Of course, most of you guys have been done sorely wrong. But I think if you're honest, a good many of you will admit that you're NOT that guy anymore... not the guy she fell in love with. Maybe she's not that girl anymore either.... and if she's done you wrong enough... maybe the best thing you can do is to drop her on her ass. But... for those of you who're trying to put it back together... what do you have to lose that's not already been lost by being THAT GUY??? At the minimum, regardless of the outcome... you find yourself again.
Jake Barnes Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I think you dont see things the way they really are....
dead-dyke Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Thanks. E-mailed it to myself. Sometimes it's to easy to forget.
TrustInYourself Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Ok, how's this. She knows she has feelings for me. She cares for me. She's thinking of moving back in. Now I hate her. I'm angry. I'm mad and I can't control myself. She's going to call me back and I'm going to be so confused. Don't worry, I'm a master of putting up a front. However, I'm getting sick of it.
TrustInYourself Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I came clean. She listened. She said she would think about things. I have a feeling, nothing will change. We'll see. If they don't. I'm going to put in my divorce paperwork. She left me.
Woggle Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Most men want the woman they married as well but how often does that happen? Be the woman he married and he will be the man she married.
Jake Barnes Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Most relationship problems are because a partner grows bored and the basis is physical or financial So many of you women look for pgychological reasons because you cant admit the truth about yourselves like men can
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I've been a member of this fourm for a number of years now and I do believe that this is the first thread I've ever seen you start. Sage advice ~ not that I've come out the otherside of divorce. "When your up to your ass in alligators, snakes and Indians ~ you tend to forget that your initial objective when you first started out ~ was to drain the damn swamp!" I do believe that this is where most couples go wrong. And then you have errors compounding upon errors. What it took to get her, is what it takes to keep her. You've got to date your mate. Then comes the babies, the mortgage, the car payments, the bills, worries about the economy, about lay-offs, the azzhat of a boss, etc. Somewhere you get lost in it all and you're left wondering "Is this all there is?" The wife is too tired from cleaning, washing, cooking, and chasing after the rug rats all day ~ trying to keep them from killing one another or themselves doing high dives off the sofa! The sex life is the first thing to go ~ because after riding herd over a bunch of "cats" the last thing she wants to think about is adding another the heard. Not to mention? You've first have got to wake her up off the couch to get her to bedroom! Yea, we live in a modern world. Washing machines and dryers, microwaves, DVD's, cable TV ~ but we're moving and doing twice if not three times as much as our grandparents. We've got to be here, there, and everywhere ~ all at once. A lot of people are trying to catch up with the "Jones" and live the American (British, New Zeland, Austian, Austrialia) dream of having the "white picket fence around the nice house with 2.4 children. Modern Western women have un-realistic ideas about the "idea" man, and about what marriage is about? "Shut off the TV darling! I'm not J.R. and your not Sue Ellen, and this ain't SouthFork! I've got to get some sleep, cause I've got to go to work tommorw morning! But LJ's got a point. Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? If most men would just give their wifes/SO's 1/10th of thier fantasies/expectations/hopes/dreams ~ they'd have them eating out of their hands! You want to control your woman? Then understand her WANTS AND NEEDS! And then feed them. As LJ knows and understands her DH need for her prepare a simple sandwich for him, when he's perfectly capable of doing it himself. (LOL, LJ a Southern woman ~ and most Southern women wouldn't get you a glass of ice tea! past the first time! "First time company ~ second time habit)
imagine Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 LadyJane Thank you for your wise and selfless contributions to this site. Please accept my complements to you as one of your fans.
Author Ladyjane14 Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 (Thank you guys ... but you know, I get all embarrassed when people compliment me. In real life, my face goes all bright red and I have to make some excuse to leave the room. ) Anyway, I know there's been some confusion about NC and LC and what the benefits are when a person is separated and how all that might apply to a "best foot forward" approach. (And Wog... you're 100% right about it all going both ways, but for the purposes of brevity and clarity, I'm going to post from the "walkaway wife" scenario.) By the time she's actually uprooted her life and walked out the door... you can bet she's SERIOUS about being "done". It might be because she feels that the problems in the marriage can't be repaired or it might be because she's cheating with another guy and has her head screwed on backwards over it. Either way, by the time you see her tail-lights in the driveway, she's pretty certain it's OVER. So, your chances of changing her mind on that are marginal at best. It's almost easier to go ahead and chuck it at this point because by the time you've arrived in full separation mode here at the S&D board... you're dealing with a woman who not only feels like she's "done" but one who has already evaded putting in "the work" regardless of her claims to the contrary. Bottom line... the majority of you are going to be getting a divorce no matter WHAT you do. That's just the sad facts of the matter. All these "methods" you hear about can expand your slim prospects of marital recovery, but none can guarantee you results. So your hearts CANNOT be invested to the point where your daily happiness is reliant on a woman who's already flaked out on her commitment to you. She's GONE. If you fail to acknowledge that, you're painting a big bullseye on your forehead and inviting the frustration of daily let-downs where your efforts go largely unrewarded. You 'run out of gas' way before ANY potential progress can be made, because you've set yourself up for a love hemorrhage. So, here you are... trying to attract back a mate who has already flaked on you, one who has learned NOTHING about meeting the challenges of marriage in having done so, one who can give you no guarantee that she won't just bolt again next time she's confronted with conflict and stress... and you're hanging by your balls on every word or gesture from her. Now... does that make sense to you? You know, often enough... even if you get them back, they're just not up to the challenge of real recovery, not ready to look at things from another angle. We're talking about people who deal with their problems by LEAVING. In three months or three years, they're likely as not to be overwhelmed and back out the door again unless they've REALLY put the work in upon return. So, you just CAN'T hinge all your happiness to them. You've got to be finding that from within no matter which way this thing pans out. Married or single, contentment can't be sustained if it relies upon the actions of another. All that said, it's okay to love imperfect people, completely valid. Fact is, if we could only love the perfect... we'd have no one to love at all. So, it's okay that you still love and want this imperfect woman. You can't allow yourselves to feel shamed by that, as if you weren't being manly somehow. It's PRIDE which demands NC or LC. It's because we're hurt and because we're worried we're being a doormat. When you're in NC with a woman who doesn't want you anymore... you're giving her a gift. You've removed her confusion and doubt about returning to the relationship. The heart does NOT grow fonder, because she's getting what she wanted... proof that you're an emotionally immature person who's impossible to communicate with. IOW, you're validating her position. NC and LC only have merit when contact is causing further harm because the discourse is so negative that it's exacerbating problems, or when you're done with the relationship and want to excise a toxic person from you life, or after a really stellar "Plan A" when you want to demonstrate the contrast, providing clarity, of what it is to have you IN her life as opposed to OUT of it. Unless you've set up the parameters in which she's actually going to miss you... then "out of sight, out of mind" outweighs "absence make the heart grow fonder".
The Collector Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I agree. Most men put up a brave front at first, then collapse under a woman's constant pressure and nagging and end up doormats and the woman loses interest.
sumdude Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 As usual... dead on target LJ.. I lived it and you spelled it out. By the time she's actually uprooted her life and walked out the door... you can bet she's SERIOUS about being "done". It might be because she feels that the problems in the marriage can't be repaired or it might be because she's cheating with another guy and has her head screwed on backwards over it. Either way, by the time you see her tail-lights in the driveway, she's pretty certain it's OVER. Yep, she took off wihout even wanting to give me a chance.. easier that way.. for her. She even told me she didn't want her mind changed and that's why she didn't even talk about separation/divorce/moving out. Though to me that's just a cop out.. So, here you are... trying to attract back a mate who has already flaked on you, one who has learned NOTHING about meeting the challenges of marriage in having done so, one who can give you no guarantee that she won't just bolt again next time she's confronted with conflict and stress... and you're hanging by your balls on every word or gesture from her. Now... does that make sense to you? You know, often enough... even if you get them back, they're just not up to the challenge of real recovery, not ready to look at things from another angle. We're talking about people who deal with their problems by LEAVING. In three months or three years, they're likely as not to be overwhelmed and back out the door again unless they've REALLY put the work in upon return. Exactly why after three months of trying I let it go. As much as half of me still wanted her back, my rational mind knew I wouldn't want to live with that lack of trust even if she came back only to bolt again. A lifelong runaway... When you're in NC with a woman who doesn't want you anymore... you're giving her a gift. You've removed her confusion and doubt about returning to the relationship. The heart does NOT grow fonder, because she's getting what she wanted... proof that you're an emotionally immature person who's impossible to communicate with. IOW, you're validating her position. ehh.. not entirely sure I agree with all of this part. NC did make her wonder what the hack I was up to and initiate contact.. however in the end NC was for me.. to heal. Because every conversation or even news about her set me back in that process. Surprisingly.. it still does a little. But yeah, she got what she wanted... out.
sumdude Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Do you know what MOST women really want??? ... they want the guy they originally married. Sometimes yes.. yet sometimes one changes.. the other doesn't and that's where the problems start. Still, how do you become someone else even if the someone else was you 10 - 20 years ago with different experiences and memories? Me, I'm still facing the challenge of 'finding myself' after the "D". I've been faced with a lot of grief and stress for years now. It's an uphill battle, I keep slogging on though. I'm working at it... but it's slow in coming.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 As usual LadyJane, wise advice. Romance each other but don't forget to take care of yourselves in the process. Anyone who's running on empty needs to replenish. So...what part of the stress in your lives can you lose? If you can, once a month, hire that student who can help you with the landscaping of your yard, or hire the maid, who can come in and help you with the heavier domestic duties. Don't be shy to rely on friends and relatives to help you babysit so the two of you can have that romantic evening together. You can always reciprocate the help so they too, can romance each other.
Woggle Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 The only way to get a walkaway wife back is not wanting her back anymore. I have seen women completely change course when the man finally gives up and moves on. It feels good to leave a broken hearted guy in tears like she is hot stuff but when he decides his life is better without her it throws her ego for a loop. It is the only thing that will get a woman to change her mind.
Trimmer Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I agree with the general comments of the OP, but I feel like I'm hearing one theme isn't completely consistent from beginning to end... By the time she's actually uprooted her life and walked out the door... you can bet she's SERIOUS about being "done".... So, your chances of changing her mind on that are marginal at best.... Bottom line... the majority of you are going to be getting a divorce no matter WHAT you do. That's just the sad facts of the matter.... I'm with you strongly up to here... It's what follows that I'm not sure how to put in context... When you're in NC with a woman who doesn't want you anymore... you're giving her a gift. You've removed her confusion and doubt about returning to the relationship. The heart does NOT grow fonder, because she's getting what she wanted... proof that you're an emotionally immature person who's impossible to communicate with. IOW, you're validating her position. I guess I would agree with this if you are advising someone who is considering using NC as an attempt to affect the relationship, or thinks that NC is a way to affect the other person. I wouldn't advise NC in a case like that either. However, NC is not one-size-fits all. It's PRIDE which demands NC or LC. Sometimes, it is RECOVERY which demands NC, and in these cases I recommend it without reservation. If you have, as you suggest in the earlier passages, come to a decision that she's GONE, out the door, and you have little or no chance of changing her mind, and you make the decisioin that you are ready to take control of your life, accept reality, and cut your losses, then NC immediately becomes a tool ABOUT YOU, and not about her. NC is useful for some people to take control of themselves, once they realize that they have no control over the other person. In this scenario, it doesn't matter whether you are validating her opinions, right or wrong, because affecting HER is no longer the point. NC and LC only have merit when contact is causing further harm because the discourse is so negative that it's exacerbating problems, or when you're done with the relationship and want to excise a toxic person from you life... You can't minimize the importance and usefulness of it in this situation... Again, I realize you may be talking to those folks who think of NC as one in the box of tools to get your partner back, and in that context, I agree. But separate from that, it has significant utility in the post breakup period.
Lovelybird Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I believe everlasting love. Just sometimes people are blinded by their own proud, vanity or wrong perspectives and bitterness, they lose the sight, but love still is there. And I believe God can make them see the love, and help them change themselves, and unit them. What really unit two is Spirit in them, the bond in Spirit is much stronger than other bonds So I always think two Holy Spirit baptised persons, if they are humble enough let God guides and changes themselves, they most likely have a fantastic marriage A good marriage requires simple yet difficult-to-do things: humble, commitment
ilmw Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Good thread Lj! I do agree... about those "gimmicks" to get to your WAW back.. and NC can be used different ways... When I originally read this thread... I had to laugh a bitter little laugh... that it could have been written about me... and Yes... when the walked away ... walks away... it does seem the walker seems to want to walk back....... ilmw
Mz. Pixie Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Great post LJ. Lord knows I could write a book about this subject.
nowhereman82 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 What's LC? Never noticed that abbreviation before.
SingleDad Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Limited Contact or Communication. NC doesn't work when kids are involved. LC is limited to discussing needs to the children, how they are doing, etc.
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