Trying to sort this whole mess out

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Browsed around the forum, felt this was the best category to throw my story into...I'm several weeks removed from the situation now, but I'm still running through every little detail of what happened...

 

We met 3 years ago online. We chatted for a year before we began writing each other letters. We flirted a lot and shared many common interests. For a year and a half, we’ve agreed that we are going to try and meet up. She lives out West, I live out East. We agreed that when we meet we’d go out on a date together, regardless of if we were seeing anybody.

 

In the early spring, she told me she's pregnant.

 

It hit me pretty hard. I called in sick to work soon after because I couldn’t focus. This really concerned me, and made me question how I felt about her. We spoke about a week later, and admitted that we both had serious mutual feelings. We resolved that we are going to meet this summer, come hell or high water. After that we talked pretty constantly for a month..

 

Just before the trip, she said she's moving in with the father. Again, hit pretty hard. The father was never mentioned, and that falls back on me for not asking about him.

 

We met, and had fun. We got physical with each other when he was gone. Not sexual, but we, rubbed, spooned, massaged, and kissed. We both initiated contact. We knew we’d be in trouble if anyone saw us. We both offered each other chances to back down (which we always turned down) We did all of this knowing that they are living together, that it's his baby. Yet she still let me touch her, she still kissed me and touched me. We didn't end up going on our date, instead the three (me, her, him) of us hung out for the extended weekend and explored the city.

 

I don’t want to replace the dad (she said that things are very touch and go between them, and that they are together partially because she doesn’t want to do it alone), and I told her so. I want to carve out my own niche in the great scheme of things. The day I left, we spent several hours cuddling in bed. I told her I loved her when I left, and she kissed me. (Our goodbye was very rushed, last minute events came up and I didn’t say everything I wanted to)

 

In the end, she stuck with him.

That's it in a nutshell. I'm not proud of some of the things I did, I know the two of them are trying to make things work for the baby. Every day since I've been back from the trip (about 6 weeks) I've thought about her. She called to make sure that I got home safely several days after I left. I phoned a few days after to get some info for a package I sent out (photos of the trip). They just got back online, we've talked once (she sensed I was distracted and not myself) which I cut off pretty quickly and abruptly.

 

I just don't know what to make of it anymore. Part of me is screaming "You're stupid, cut and run. You've been used." while another part is grasping at any small thread of hope that she and I could be something more. When I went out, I was prepared to stay if it did work, and fully knew what I would be giving up in order to do so. I realize in all of this, I'm the 'other man'.

 

I realize that cutting off contact Cold Turkey may be the only real solution here, but if thats the case I'd want to tell her why, and that things haven't been going so well for me since I got back from the trip. (Removing her completely would be a big task, as we'v sent each other photos of ourselves, and several pieces of art) Ever since I've come home, I can't focus. I can't draw. Can't paint. Can't write. Can't get motivated to work out, play video games, clean up, or cook. I feel better when I'm with my friends, but feel as if I'm weighing them down because I'm not acting like myself anymore

[Scorpio13c]

You'll find in life, you'll eventually need to act like a adult & do what is right(moral) & move on.

I'm sorry you're hurting, it'll pass with time.

Good luck.

 

Scorp

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Thanks Scorp. Consciously, I know what I have to do...but subconsciously I'm taking a beating. It's everyday I'm reminded of it, and it isn't getting any easier