Loss of a spouse

[rgedrifter]

The end of April 2003 my wife, 23 yrs old, died of cancer; she was hospitalized after having back pain and problems walking – which was the cause of tumors on spine which were removed, biopsy showed tumors were cancerous – terminal. The best doctor’s said could be done was chemotherapy to perhaps “buy” at some time to come home to spend time with our then 17 month old son and the rest of the family.

 

She died during the 2nd round of chemotherapy – which I am told was at a level that of given to a 40-50 yr in the same condition would kill them (I’m 40).

 

All through the start of this process I was completely focused on what the doctors were telling me. While the rest of the family (my parents, my in-laws etc) were upset and crying (and rightly so) I remained focused on what my wife wanted – which was to fight the cancer, so I showed very little emotion in fact only breaking down and actually crying for about 5 minutes 2 times.

 

Our son was moved into my in-laws so that I could come and go to the hospital, as I needed to. Now 3 months going into the 4th month after her passing he is still at my in-laws. I was told its no problem him being there to allow me time to grieve, which is a relief to me – yet to date I feel like things are still up in the air.

 

Being 40 I am old enough to know and understand that things will never be what used to be “normal” and its matter of figuring out what “our” new normal will be. My sleep is completely out of whack – to the point that if my son were staying here I doubt I would hear him in the morning as I usually I can’t finally asleep until 4am and he wakes up between 6-7a.

 

This is the first person close to me that has died (other than a childhood friend, but that the time of their death we hadn’t been in contact in years) so different emotions with the loss of my wife compared to the loss of my friend. I even had a well-meaning friend tell me they know I feel because they felt alone after their divorce! Also I was previously married 2 other times – I feel some similarity as to once again adjusting to living alone but still definitely a different feeling since with death the person is gone forever (except in our hearts and memories).

 

Part of the sleepless nights is tossing and turning – thinking I want to get my son home and start moving ahead. Yet again so long as I am unable to get myself more on his schedule that can’t happen. Yet on the days I am with my son from after daycare until I take him back to my in-laws – those days I sleep better than any other time. I guess a combination of being tired out from keeping up with a now 20 month old and perhaps I am more at ease since I was with my son.

 

I had depression for years and have medication as well as medication to help me sleep. Sleep medication was reduced; previously I would sleep soundly but my wife would have to wake me up vs an alarm clock or hearing my son if he needed something and of course now with it just being me – I would have to be able to hear my son if he cried out in the middle of the night – even though now he sleeps thru the night – still can not take the chance.

 

So any suggestions from anyone who has been in a similar situation with the loss of a spouse that could perhaps provide some feedback. Prior to my wife’s passing she was a full-time student in college and I had no trouble doing the daily tasks of a parent so I am not too concerned about that once my son is home – then again it is a bit scary for further down the road as he grows up without a mother. I have even had friends of mine ask if I plan on dating again and getting married again. A bit too quick to think about that if you ask me.

[moimeme]

I'm surprised to see that nobody has answered you. I'm not much help because I have not lost a spouse through death but please accept my heartfelt sympathy.

 

I can think of a couple of things - maybe there is an alarm out there that is designed to alert when a toddler awakes and is loud enough that it will penetrate your sleep?

 

Is there anybody from among your friends and family who could stay with you or stay at your place nights to help you both? Could you afford to pay someone? Might there be a grad or post-grad student in town who requires housing and who might assist you with nighttime awakenings?

[Dragonfly]

I have not personally been in your situation, but I truly sympathize with you, and hope that our responses can give you some direction.

 

I've been on the other side of your situation, working in the funeral industry for years. If you haven't already done it, please consider seeing a grief counselor. Possibly through a local hospital or hospice organization, they can put you in touch with someone.

 

Maybe seek out a group for widows/widowers. Most groups have newsletters, meetings, and they can give you materials to read, or put you in touch with people to talk with. Many times these groups are of all ages, with people having lost a spouse years ago, and some recently like yourself. It is often difficult to start again, you are not alone! You are not expected to be able to get right back into your normal life, including the care of a child. If you are able to seek out others who have a similar experience, they may be able to give you advice on how to carry on. Simply talking with others may also bring you further along in the grieving process.

 

No two people are the same, therefore, no two people grieve the same. Take your time, try to take care of yourself, then you can work on taking care of your son. As moimeme suggested, possibly finding someone to stay with you, would help you out?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I agree with moimeme. Having someone to stay with you may be a good idea. Or, if you have a trusted friend you can give a set of keys to, to come by in the mornings just before your son gets up to help wake you up. Or if you can afford it, maybe you can think about getting a live in nanny/babysitter/housekeeper to help take care of your son, or a live out anny/babysitter/housekeeper who can come in and take care of your son when he wakes up in the morning.