sunshinegirl Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I have been a NC superstar for the last 3 months. I haven't pumped our mutual friends for any info about my ex; I have been a model of not contacting, reaching out, etc. But I get real estate listings sent to my inbox - starting doing so 6 months ago when the ex and I were talking about buying a place together. And yesterday, a new listing showed up in my email: my ex's condo. So he's moving. And it's thrown me off. First, because it is a reminder that he's alive and out there living his life, perfectly happily without me. Second, because he and I talked so much about buying a place together vs renovating his place, and it brought all those conversations back to mind. And third, because my first thought was "omg, he's moving in with the hooch!" Which I shouldn't care about, except that I do. I've more or less talked myself down from that last thing. If he's moving in with her after 3 months together, the start of which was him cheating on me, then they are both fools. For a number of reasons, I think it's unlikely they're moving in together. More likely he's downsizing into a rental until his ex moves back into the area next year. I feel incredibly dumb wasting brain space speculating about him and his life. But then, why make things worse by berating myself for not yet being fully over him? We were together for over a year and I spent a lot of time at his place. I had a key, I practically lived there, I helped him plan his kitchen renovation, and helped him paint his living room. I have memories there that will be physically gone before long. What a weird thing to be sad about.
kizik Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I feel incredibly dumb wasting brain space speculating about him and his life. But then, why make things worse by berating myself for not yet being fully over him? Exactly! Don't fee dumb, SSG, your mind is going to go through what it has to. DO NOT beat yourself up because you have FEELINGS. Do you remember what I told you a month or two back about loving him?
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 9, 2008 Author Posted August 9, 2008 About him missing me at some level, even if he's not in contact and even if he's in a new relationship? I remember that, yes. I feel like an ass for still looking backward. My dad gave me a book to cheer me up: "Tough Times Don't Last, but Tough People Do". A bit cheesy but a nice pep talk, I suppose. Though I don't feel very pepped up yet. I must still be harboring some contact fantasy where I get to see remorse, sadness, an apology, something. Why I am tying up my happiness or worth in getting a word of validation from him, I'm not sure. I hate that I still struggle to separate the man I dated from the potential I saw in him. I think I am mourning his potential more than him. I don't know, though. On a day like today, were we still dating, we would be rock climbing and it would have been a great day together. It's beautiful out and I miss that companionship.
kizik Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 What I said was that all you ever did was love him. Do you understand? Can you find any fault in that? I can't. Why is it that we beat ourselves up for caring? We need to get rid of the guilt. So you think of him. So you care. Is that wrong? No. It's right. It's a shame that other people (including our exes) don't care. But I am convinced that they simply don't have feelings anywhere near as deep as ours. Get rid of the guilt, SSG. Stop beating yourself up for caring. You should be proud that your heart is so big. It's going to be a beautiful gift to some lucky man, some day.
Trialbyfire Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 ssg, are you certain you're not projecting your personal fears on his move? Are you 100% certain he's not just upgrading to a better place?
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 9, 2008 Author Posted August 9, 2008 Well, anything is possible. I definitely could be projecting my own fears. However, I know his financial situation, and I know he is struggling to keep his funding at his lab. For that reason I am pretty confident he couldn't take on a bigger mortgage right now. It was my income when we were together that would have allowed him (us) to upgrade. The complicating factor on moving has always been his ex-wife, who has his daughter and currently lives 500 miles away. When we were together, we were debating whether to move now, or wait until the ex-wife moves back to the area next year, so as to find a place that's convenient to where his daughter will be living. It would seem very strange to me that he would be ready to buy another place right now given the uncertainty of when his ex-wife will come back and where they will live. But, as I've said, anything is possible. Maybe he's moving to the ex-wife's city for the year, to be closer to his child. Maybe he's moving in with hooch, although I did my online snooping on her and it appears that she still lives with her parents (!) in one of the northern suburbs...so it doesn't appear as if she has her own place in the first place. I just don't know. It was very surreal to look at the photos of his condo online. There's the living room I painted... there's the kitchen we cooked so many meals in... there's the spare bedroom where my mom stayed one time. There are those lamps we bought at IKEA together. There's the bathroom we were going to renovate. I broke down and emailed the mutual friends to ask what his deal is. Whatever I learn will probably hurt more than help, but I guess I'm not strong enough to maintain complete radio silence on his life given this little development.
0hpenelope Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Awww, crap... It's that dreaded surprise thing. Don't get me wrong, I like surprises - just not bad ones that bring bad things. Like news about ex-(insert appropriate title here). I don't even know what to say. I know it's hard to shake it off when you hear something about the guy. I'm going to be reminded of him for a long while with the Olympics on, as an example, because his family's from China, he's very into sports, and just a year ago we were making arrangements on how we can watch it together, even if we're not physically near each other. Um... Yeah, that makes me sick to my stomach right now. I should probably play Solitaire. Anything mindless and not meaningful to make this crap go away. Anyone else you can turn to for venting who isn't a mutual friend? LS is very good for that, but it is inadequate... Cyber comfort hug instead?
orangehose Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 So he's moving. And it's thrown me off. First, because it is a reminder that he's alive and out there living his life, perfectly happily without me. .... I feel incredibly dumb wasting brain space speculating about him and his life. But then, why make things worse by berating myself for not yet being fully over him? Yes, I relate to the self-berating about thinking about an unworthy ex. I went through the whole hyper-analysis phase of processing every last detail and came to conclusions I'm essentially okay with. Since then I've been telling myself that this guy is entirely unworthy of a moment of thought. But my brain has a mind of its own, apparently, and still likes to regurgitate and chew. It can be quite frustrating. But then I started looking at a broken heart like an illness. The doctors can't know for sure when it'll go away, only that it (fortunately) will at some point, and as much as it sucks now, you just have to ride it out and have some faith that it'll leave your brain at some point.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 Yes, I relate to the self-berating about thinking about an unworthy ex. I went through the whole hyper-analysis phase of processing every last detail and came to conclusions I'm essentially okay with. Since then I've been telling myself that this guy is entirely unworthy of a moment of thought. But my brain has a mind of its own, apparently, and still likes to regurgitate and chew. It can be quite frustrating. But then I started looking at a broken heart like an illness. The doctors can't know for sure when it'll go away, only that it (fortunately) will at some point, and as much as it sucks now, you just have to ride it out and have some faith that it'll leave your brain at some point. Thanks for this. Unworthy. Yes, he's unworthy. Yet that still - STILL - isn't sticking in my brain. My faith in people is my worst enemy right now. I still see him as I hoped/wanted him to be, not as he is. THAT is superbeyondfrustrating.
orangehose Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Thanks for this. I still see him as I hoped/wanted him to be, not as he is. I know what you mean. I don't want my ex, I want the alternate reality in which he wasn't a jerk. I think it takes a while for the brain to process that what we long for, isn't real.
orangehose Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Also, I think it's good when you reach that stage in which you're getting a bit frustrated with yourself for caring, and feel like you're twiddling your thumbs until you can stop caring... it's shifting the focus of concern from an external circumstance to yourself, and you realize the battle is within your own mind, not with some external situation.
HeatherAngel Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 I know what you mean. I don't want my ex, I want the alternate reality in which he wasn't a jerk. I think it takes a while for the brain to process that what we long for, isn't real. Me too, me too... and it's hard to remember the bad stuff when you move into true forgiveness - so hopefully the 'forgiveness' can allow a moving forward, or even moving on if that's what is wanted - which can put everything on hold.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 The mutual friend thinks he's testing the market and that he may just be downsizing to an apartment in another neighborhood - possibly just wants out of the mortgage before the market gets any worse. She hadn't heard anything about hooch. I used this info as an opportunity to decide that he wants to move out of the home that has so many memories both of his ex-wife (they lived there for about two years before separating) and me (I was spending time there for about a year and a half). I decided that moving is his way to try to escape memories of us both. Ha. Let's see how long I can keep that thinking going before I devolve back into thoughts about the stupid hooch.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 I guess that last thought lasted for about two days. There are two toothbrushes in the holder in the bathroom. And he finally took down the photo of his ex-wife with their daughter that was on his bedroom wall the entire time we were together. I didn't make him remove it because it only showed the back of the ex-wife's head - it was more about his child. Maybe the stupid hooch made him move it. And thus maybe she has more spine than I exhibited with him. Bah! Off to counseling, now. Boy do I need it.
Author sunshinegirl Posted August 16, 2008 Author Posted August 16, 2008 I had dinner with the mutual friend tonight, who essentially re-confirmed that the ex is mostly testing the market by putting his condo up for sale. She thinks it's a stupid financial decision, as does her husband. As I thought, however, his plan continues to be to wait until his ex-wife moves back to the area next year to buy a place closer to where his daughter will be. It was a helpful, healing dinner in some respects, as my friend had seen what he was like in his marriage (crummy) and filled me in (again) on some of his ex-wife's perspective and what the marriage had been like for her. I also learned tonight that his ex-wife not only got remarried in June (I already knew that) but that she is pregnant and due in November! I have to believe that THAT also threw Eric for a loop and may be fueling his relationship with the hooch even more (distraction distraction distraction). My friend had to see Eric a few weeks ago when he stopped by their house to pick something up from her husband. She had wanted to avoid him altogether but couldn't, so chatted for 5 minutes with them in the kitchen. She said he was visibly awkward in the conversation, knowing that she knows what went down between us. (I had told him in my parting email that I hoped that every time he saw our mutual friends that he would be reminded what he did to me. Seems to have worked!)
LakesideDream Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Sunshine, don't try and "figure out" what the moves your ex is making mean. I'm an expert, I can tell you for sure that it will make you bat's! Try and live as best you can. Life is to short to let someone have control over your life... when they don't even know they have control. NC seems to be your strong suite. Keep it up. Ignore those MLS announcements.
gennamoon Posted August 16, 2008 Posted August 16, 2008 Sunshinegirl...I can sort of relate to the whole moving thing that has thrown you for a loop...my ex is about to move into my best friends house (yes, my best friend) until she can sell it because he can longer afford his apartment and has three kids that he sees every weekend so he had to find housing... My best friend moved out of state and is having a hard time selling her house. She is struggling to make mortgage payments so she offered the house to me. Unfortunately, I can't do it because I have a house I'm trying to sell from a divorce so me being a sucker thought of him. I have two kids so I know how much it would suck if he couldn't see them. So now, the house that I've spent a lot of time in hanging with my friend will be occupyed by him...my mind is going in circles, but it is my fault because I always want to help people and as much as the break up sucks, I don't think he's a horrible person...he's someone who was having financial issues, has a stressful job and still has lingering issues from his divorce...unfortunately, I'm very anxious about this move...I'm going to have to re route some of my drives to places like my sister's house (because they will live on the same road). It's also hard to make your mind stop coming up with all sorts of scenarios about what could be going on...if I had some magic way of making those happen, I would write a book. Glad to hear that your dinner with your friends was healing. I understand the mutual friend thing too...we have the same circle of friends hence how we ended up together. Thankfully, they've all been really great because they know how my ex tends to be when he falls under a lot of stress...it's still hard though to hang out with everyone...I keep waiting to hear some shocking piece of news that will be even worse then the above situation with the move.
Recommended Posts