Mutual Break Up - so hard

[muyconfused85]

I have just broken up with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. She suggested it, based on a whole load of factors, and I agreed it was the smart thing to do.

 

We have been through so much, including her helping me through a long illness, but we both felt that something just wasn't right. We had become like a married couple; no passion, no sex, no real appreciation of each other, just a familiarity. We are only 22 so we knew it was too young to feel this way. We both knew we were never going to get married, so cutting our losses seemed like the right thing to do. I had also stopped finding her attractive, and was feeling like I was missing out on opportunities with other people. This in turn made me feel really guilty - guilty for my feelings and guilty that I was depriving her of the kind of love she needed and deserved.

 

The thing is, this is so hard. If she hated me, or I hated her, it would be so easy. But we both have a lot of love and respect for each other. It was a case of finally letting our heads take control of the situation. We had two previous small breakups, and a dozen "shall we break up" conversations. I knew that I couldn't keep doing this. The on/off feeling was so hard to manage.

 

Anyway, I would really appreciate your advice, this is my first ever breakup. I don't know whether there should be no contact or some contact. Whether we should try to support each other or whether that would just be extending the pain?

 

Also, what do I do with all the things she's given me? All around me are signs of her. Pictures, clothing and other bits and pieces. They are so painful to see. I was thinking maybe I could put it all in a bag, put it in my parents garage, and maybe someday I'll feel strong enough to look at it again?

 

Thanks so much for any help that you can offer guys.

[Lonestar]

Put everything away that reminds you of her and take a break from talking to her until you get over your pain. You need the distance in order to heal your heart and think rationally without emotion.

[babes23]

I think space is vital, it's all too raw for the two of you at the moment to still be in contact. Time heals all...

[muyconfused85]

gosh this hurts so bad. When we broke up we agreed that this wasn't goodbye forever, and that maybe in months (or longer) down the line when we'd had a chance to think about things and consider what we meant to each other, then we might be able to get back together if we both felt it was the right thing to do.

 

I know that if we did, we'd still have to confront the same old problems that drove us apart to begin with. However, its this thought of maybe seeing her and being with her again someday that makes me feel a bit better.

 

I know I should be trying to forget about her, but every time I try and think about not ever seeing her again by eyes swell up and I get hysterical. Her face and all our memories float around in my head haunting me.

 

Also, she has never heard of this "no contact" thing. Everywhere I go to get advice people talk about it, but I haven't known many broken up couples who have done it (unless its purely because one/both of them REALLY doesn't want to speak to the other rather than because they make a conscious effort not to). I've talked with my mum a lot about this, she hasn't heard of this no contact thing either, is it really the best/only way? I know that my girlfriend (sorry ex girlfriend) is going to phone me sometime soon. She has already called me twice today.

[muyconfused85]

The thing is we spoke last night, if I told her I think we should stay together, then I know that she would in a second. But we both know that its not the right thing. Our love for each other is making us so weak, but we know we're not happy when we're together, how do I stay strong?

[JooLee]

this is a difficult situation. i wouldnt say to not contact her, because clearly both of you mean so much to each other n it wud be really cruel to cut her off like that.

 

if this is the best then perharps you should start hanging out more with your friends, do something new, something you had in mind to do but didnt have the time to when you guys were together. dont take break contact just like that, do it slowly. once you get busy and start meeting other people and doing new stuff, you'll learn that you have lead yourself to a new life and in time you will realise that you have done it.

 

take it one step at a time, just dont fall back into the relationship because you feel you have to depend on her. you need to create your world right now for yourself- by yourself.

 

thats what i think.