Same Story Here?

[wildsoul]

Maybe you ought to re-read the comments. There is been lots of compassion. However, it does seem that you are divided on this topic, with a strong urge to "go for it," while the posters here are all weighing in against it. It's not about being "straight," but it is about being wise.

 

I'm going to add something here though. And that is to say that it's both hard and interesting to read your posts. Your rationalizations are very similar to the MM/W that some of us have got involved with. Don't want to leave the M because of money/kids. Don't want to work on the M, either. Hoping that your OM will jump into the A with you, damn the consequences. It's called "cake eating" around here. A lot of us have been hurt because our MM/W led us to believe the A was because of deep love, and when we found out we were just cupcakes, it hurt a lot.

[sprintjulia]

Great points, I appreciate the long post response on this topic too.

I did get a phone call today from MM in response to my email to him yesterday. He seemed a bit irritated and put off that I stated in my email to him to please not "hide behind his job" in not responding. And then he proceeded to outline how busy he is. Interesting that I email/call him for two days then NC for three and finally he calls after what I thought was an ok email. I don't think that I came across as demanding at all. Just looking for basic common courteousy. I know that I can use this exchange as my way out if need be. He did not say to me anything like, this is too much I can't do this, so I am not sure where his head is at.

I ended up apologizing and asking him to not be mad at me. Which I know really makes no sense at all. The magnetic draw is there and he is definitely in the driver seat. This of course makes me very insecure and upset. I felt very calm with him on the phone. I am still very unsure where this is going. I guess the best thing is that I don't have to make any decisions today. Thanks again for all of your feedback. I am definitely the newby on the block here trying to find my way.

[Owl]

So what do you WANT out of all of this?

 

Do you want to be married?

 

 

Do you want to stay in a relationship with MM?

 

 

Do you want/intend to keep both at the same time?

[sprintjulia]

Owl, to answer your questions. What do I want out of this. Is it possible that this MM is my soul mate? Maybe, maybe not. I am not a idealist, I think that I am practical and realistic. Something drew me to MM. I think that if it turned out that he and I were on the same page and he wanted to invest the proper course of action, I would consider leaving my H to start over. Yeah I know I am a long way away from that point right now, but you asked. My intention is not to have both my cake and eat it too.

I am really taken by this guy, I am sure you would all say it is the infatuation phase, I will give you that. I would like to find out more and learn more in order to make a well informed decision. My intention is never to hurt anyone in my family.

[lkjh]

You already are hurting everyone in your family! You have put your H and children third in your life behind you and the OM. We aren't being harsh you are just being selfish. You are playing with peoples lives with no regard to anyones wellbeing besides your own, come on you are chasing after a married man that is blowing you off while your kids and H are at home

[Owl]

Owl, to answer your questions. What do I want out of this. Is it possible that this MM is my soul mate? Maybe, maybe not. I am not a idealist, I think that I am practical and realistic. Something drew me to MM. I think that if it turned out that he and I were on the same page and he wanted to invest the proper course of action, I would consider leaving my H to start over. Yeah I know I am a long way away from that point right now, but you asked. My intention is not to have both my cake and eat it too.

I am really taken by this guy, I am sure you would all say it is the infatuation phase, I will give you that. I would like to find out more and learn more in order to make a well informed decision. My intention is never to hurt anyone in my family.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

On the "soulmate" thought...I don't buy it either. Its amazing to me how often you see that particular word on forums about affairs and cheating, but almost never anyplace else.

 

I'd agree, something drew you to MM. Would you agree that something drew you to your H at one point too? What I'm not understanding in your posts and situation is that ANY reference to your H is completely minimized. This suggests that you're compartmentalized to HUGE point...you have your affair in one hand, and your H in the other, and you're not even torn between the two...you're being two seperate women at the same time. All of your focus, all of your energy is focused on MM.

 

What would happen if you CHANGED that dynamic? And focused all that attention somewhere else?

 

I get that you're "taken by this guy".

 

If so...why not cut your H loose then? End your marriage today, and walk away?

 

 

My point to this is simple...if you don't want to be a cake eater...then that means you have to make a CHOICE.

 

A CLEAR CHOICE...ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

 

Its EITHER your H, or your chance with MM. Its not both. Nor is it waiting to see which one works out...that's not fair to ANYONE...you, your H, MM, your family...ANYONE.

 

See what I mean?

 

You've made it clear you don't want to be a cake eater...then that means you need to pick your flavor and take action to make that happen. Its that simple...not EASY, but simple.

[sprintjulia]

Ok so you really advocate making a decision as big as this within just a few weeks?? I am not really sure where this is headed. I don't mean to minimize this with my H. I do feel bad about what has happened, but I also feel that to a degree I need to see where this goes. Ok so maybe I am being selfish but what if at the end of the road I decide to refocus the energy at home. I am just not sure today if that is the case or not.

And in response to the previous post, WOW, well maybe MM is kicking me to the curb but I don't know that for sure, he has a very busy schedule and I understand that I don't get to see him much as it generally stands.

There is something compelling here that I NEED TO SEE THROUGH. SELFISH OR NOT. I disagree that it is always black and white, I think that there are other things that need to be considered too.

[Owl]

Yes, I DO advocate making a big decision like this within a few weeks. Absolutely.

 

Because waiting means living a LIE to your family, to your H, to your friends...heck, it means living a LIE even in your own skin.

 

You're confusing the concept of TELLING your husband about your affair as the source of pain to him with THE AFFAIR ITSELF being that source of hurt and agony.

 

Do YOU think its fair that you spend the next several weeks/months pursuing this, while your H sits there and is blithely unaware of what you're doing, what you're contemplating?

 

Would you be happy with your H doing the same to you? Potentially even out sleeping with someone else, then coming home and doing the exact same with you?

 

Again, you're acting like this is YOUR decision. Honey, you're MARRIED. That means the fate of the marriage is both yours AND your husbands to decide.

 

You're taking away his rights...you're denying him the opportunity to make the choices in his life based off of all the information.

 

What IF you decide to focus it at home...after you've spent all this effort ON SOMEONE ELSE???? Think about what that means...think about what that would mean to your H? Again, how would you feel in HIS shoes?

 

Yes, you make your choice NOW.

 

Because delaying that choice has impacts on those you claim to love. If you love them...then make the choice NOW, rather than later. Don't drag them through a long, drawn out affair because you WANT to.

[Owl]

There ARE things that are black and white...people CHOSE gray when they don't LIKE the black and white of their reality.

 

You KNOW its wrong to cheat on your H. That's BLACK.

 

You KNOW that getting married meant "forsaking all others". That's WHITE.

 

Your CHOICE to cheat...that's when you decided that things were gray, not black or white.

[sprintjulia]

Very sobering thoughts. I will post more later. My insides are churning on all this posted stuff.

[Owl]

I wanted to add something else...you really should consider.

 

You do not NEED to see this through.

 

You WANT to.

 

There is a HUGE difference. You really want to see what could come of this relationship with MM. I get that...but what about the CURRENT relationship with your H? What about his feelings? His choices?

 

Do you think beyond a shadow of a doubt that your H would WANT to be your second choice if this falls through? Would he accept and be satisfied with being your 'backup plan" if the thing with MM falls through?

 

Do you think that's fair to him? To have his marriage sitting here balancing on your desire to see this through with MM?

 

Or does your H deserve to be given a choice in his marriage?

 

Does he get the chance to leave before you dump him? Or the opportunity to fight for his marriage and make things right between you?

[wildsoul]

Again, you're acting like this is YOUR decision. Honey, you're MARRIED. That means the fate of the marriage is both yours AND your husbands to decide.

 

You're taking away his rights...you're denying him the opportunity to make the choices in his life based off of all the information.

Owl, you're getting right at the crux of why I think lying in general (and cheating in particular) are wrong. It's a manipulation of someone else's reality, so that they are basing their decision to be with you (or not) on mis(sing)information.

 

The cake eaters manipulate their spouses and the OP, telling each a different version of how they feel. To be fair, the cake eater may be truly split and not ready to decide (as opposed to flat-out using both partners.) Yet they still don't tell both the truth.

 

In this case, the truth would be: "Honey, I'm attracted to another man and it's making me question whether I want to stay married or not."

 

I'm not a grand poobah of morality, but when I was married and became infatuated with a long lost crush who got in contact with me, I took the fact that I was interested as a sign that I probably needed to end my marriage. I did engage in some sexy emails, but then stopped it, and focused on couples therapy (and ultimately left the M.) Sure, the guy coming back to me made me wonder if he was my soulmate too. But still, I took my strong interest as a sign that my marriage needed to change, not that it was all about this particular guy, yanno?

[jj33]

You are getting really good advice here. As much of an adrenalin rush as it is at the beginning if it doesnt work out and as you can see from the postings here in 99% of the cases it doesnt, it is a living hell. And by the way its not your job to show him that life can be so much more .

 

Perhaps you are talking to yourself. You want your life to be so much more and he seems like a kindred spirit who also wants life to be so much more. But an affair is not the answer. It feels like it is when it starts but its an illusion in most cases.

 

If he is not answering your emails its a blessing. If he is not pursuing you and really pursuing you, hes not on the same page as you are anyway. This is a chance for you to break old habits. Dont pursue him -- for yourself. If you eventually decide to leave your own marriage this will be good practice for you. Many men dont like to be chased. They find it flattering but not much more than that. And you never know if your actions are driving it along or whether he independently wants to seek out your company. And in my experience woman I know who have chased men and finally had things work out have said it was humiliating and the dynamic never changed they continued to do alot of the emotional stuff in the relationship while the man coasted because that is the dynamic they set up at the beginnning. As you begin so it shall continue. Stop now. It s recipe for heartache. I had some really special times with MM but it was not worth the pain. I couldnt see that until now. But its taken a huge toll mentally and physically.

[sprintjulia]

JJ; Good advise. I don't know if I am strong enough to take that strategy.

I would like to say that I am. There are all different types of people on the planet. I have never been the one to sit back and wait. I am more the type A, in action person, slightly overwhelming, very impatient. I realize that may be a recipe for disaster. Although, in my own defense I did tell MM some of my traits so he would know up front what type of person I am. He definitely sent me the vibes and wanted this too. Its not all me. I am still thinking this over completely. I think alot of my actions past and present stem from self esteem issues that developed when I was a child with a bad relationship with my mom(who is now departed) and was an alcoholic. I have always been an over achiever and very competitive. I played sports in HS and college and work in very non traditional occupation so you might say that for me the norm is to not be like the traditional female, in fact that is something I am totally unfamiliar with.

So I find myself in a real inner struggle with good vs evil and knowing me it will probably be typical with the outcome.

[Owl]

That's the deal, my friend.

 

You don't decide whether or not you're strong enough to do the right thing.

 

You just DO the right thing when its time to do it.

 

And THIS IS IT.

 

This doesn't require a ton of thought...its THINKING about MM and all of this that's led you to where you're confused. Stop THINKING about what you should be doing. Start DOING what you should be doing.

 

You strike me as a strong-willed person. USE that...the right way.

 

You can be a positive force in the life of those around you, or a negative. What message do you want to send your kids about marriage? What do you want to tell them about their father? What do you teach them about tough choices? About working through issues?

 

This is only hard because you make it hard.

 

Its SIMPLE.

 

End it with MM. Tell your H about what's going on. Work with your H to determine what happens from there.

 

SIMPLE. NOT easy mind you...but SIMPLE.

[lkjh]

What else is there to consider? You keep saying there are other things to consider and thats why you can't do the right thing but did you consider anything when you engaged in this activity? Why do you keep saying you need to see this through? What do you think is going to happen? Are you two going to leave your SO and run away with each other? How do you plan on explaining this to your children, H, friends, and family. I'm sorry you are sensitive to this but he is blowing you off! When we don't pick up our phones and then later say we were to busy we are blowing off unwanted girls(booty calls). Stop saying you have to much to figure out with this other guy because you have more to deal with at home. I could be way off but you sound like a girl looking for someone to show some interest in you and you seem blinded like a 15 year old girl with a crush. You don't seem to realize what you are doing to others and what the outcomes are most likely going to end up like. Sorry to tell you this but there is no happy ending to this story!!

[jj33]

I am much like you and its hurt me particularly in the A. You have to be you. But its good to be aware of the issues.

[bentnotbroken]

I do so hate the soul mates tag. It is as if it is a license to just dismiss everyone else in your life for the few moments of what is to believed to be true love. It is a sad state when only "MY" feelings, wants and needs outweigh all I that I know to be right and honorable. And damn what happens to everyone else involved in the mess without their consent and most cases their knowledge.

[sprintjulia]

You are correct in saying it is like a crush. Sure my actions seem somewhat juvenile. It is very hard to disengage. I can only say that I will try. I am being tested, that I know. Yes, he has not been great about communication. I also know that some men are better at that than others. I don't want to draw a complete picture about him here either way about that. I don't know. This is really tough stuff. I am not that bad of a person. I am actually posting here with hopes of doing the right thing.

I am generally a very impulsive person. I have been in a marriage now for over nine years and I have not ever done this type of thing before. It was like when I met MM in early June as though I felt this connection. It was like when he entered the room the room lit up and conversely when he left the room things changed again. What can I say about those feelings that I did not ask to have but clearly do. Not to mention the two times we were together were really special. At least I thought so. I am trying to find my own way and also take into consideration the others in my life. I understand the importance of telling my H, and that will come, I am sure.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't presume to speak for the other BS here, but is it generally believed that we have never had those spark like encounters people other than our spouses. Is it assumed that we don't find others on occasion sexy or attractive, or that we have never let another enter our thoughts. I have on more than one occasion. It seems that I would be less than human if it never happened. It has and I assume will happen again. But my standards say I can't act on any of those feelings. It has been a struggle before, especially when my life with Mr. Messy was at it's worst.

 

Of course I recognize that we are all different in our ideals and actions, but once you pass the age of adolescence so should the actions of adolescence pass also.