Same Story Here?

[sprintjulia]

Ok, I have found myself on this forum as I have recently (3 wks) started a mostly physical realationship with a MM. He has two teenage boys and has not had much relations with wife in a long time. He is on the road with business a lot and in my town. I am a MW for 9 yrs with three young kids and a great husband, but one that I have lost passion for lately (past 4 yrs). The problems are numerous but the pattern of my low self esteem and rejection seeking behavior is that I initiated affair with MM and once started I pretty much email and call him with out him really having the chance to do so. I have always been the aggressor which I realize is setting me up for the failure here. He seems like a great guy, maybe somewhat aloof. In the past two days he has not returned my phone calls or emails. We do have a connection at work but I don't always see him there. I am trying very hard to not to call or email him as my friends tell me that I am setting myself up for failure. I have all of the chemistry here of serious infatuation and I clearly cannot control myself through the history of time. Please let me know anything that may work here in this situation as I really would like to see him again even though I realize that it may be only fleeting. Thanks.

[Lonestar]

I think you should forget about the married man and work on making things right with your husband. If you can't do that, then you should file for divorce. If you found out your husband was seeing another woman, what would that do to your heart? Don't do anything that you wouldn't want done to you. I just don't understand why people have no loyalty to those they chose to marry. The lying and deceipt should make you cringe when you look in the mirror, but then some people don't feel guilt because of character flaws.

[norajane]

Please let me know anything that may work here in this situation as I really would like to see him again even though I realize that it may be only fleeting.

 

Are you asking what to do to turn this into a full-blown affair? Or how to detach yourself from an infatuation that will turn into a big mess?

[sprintjulia]

I guess both. I feel that right now I am powerless (and maybe don't want to) walk away from this. I have very strong feelings and would like to see where this would go. I realize after reading many postings on here that it does not appear that this would be anything but unfavorable, but I cannot help but think that perhaps there is a possibility that we could turn this into something positive? I am not naive but somehow I am in this situation due to feelings that I have for this MM. He has indicated that the only reason he has stayed with her is because of financial stuff (and of course the boys, but they are getting older) but perhaps that could change too? Although I am concerned that the last two days of the week (Thurs & Fri) he did not return my emails/phone calls, which is a little unusual. I did see him Friday at work & he seemed ok.I guess I am thinking that perhaps he has a lot on his mind (which I do know is true). Any feedback is appreciated.

[norajane]

I think you ARE being naive. He has no intention of leaving his wife any time soon, and he's not pursuing you at all anyway. You really are just setting yourself up for hurt by hanging your hopes on a married guy, especially when you have a husband and family yourself.

 

He's been looking at this as a distraction, and you've made it really easy for him to use you as such. You, on the other hand, are already thinking about if he's going to leave his wife. You're on two totally different wavelengths, so an affair would be disastrous for you. Not only will you remain unhappy at home, but then you'll add a whole lot of unhappy pining away for a man who hasn't even expressed an interest in divorcing his wife or in being with you as anything more than a fling.

 

The rule is: one relationship at a time. If you can't improve things at home, getting deep into an affair will only make things MORE unbearable at home, plus will hurt other people - including your children.

[sprintjulia]

ok, thanks for the advise. Very to the point for sure.

I do see this guy at least once per month thru work on an overnight conference type thing and this week we have one coming up. How do I handle this sticky situation that I have found myself in? Is it possible to do NC and be professional even though there has been a history now?

[norajane]

Is it possible to do NC and be professional even though there has been a history now?

 

Of course it's possible. Just be professional and do not get drawn into any private conversations with him, do not drink, do not invite him back to your room, and if he invites you to his, tell him you don't think that's a good idea.

 

It's possible, you just have to set your mind and DO it.

[sprintjulia]

Ok very wise answers. Also very logical. This has been very difficult for me so far as it is. I have been NC since yesterday (wow I know not very long) and I hope to remain that way. I don't know that I want to walk away from an invite if I get one while away however, my hope is to eminate professionalism and not be the one to chase him. I have been the aggressor here, and it has been very easy so far (up until Thursday) so my real thing was just to have fun with him, but now I see that I am starting to have real feelings and I know that when I was with him last week (slightly intoxicated, ok maybe a bit more than that) I said a few things that probably scared him off like "what happens if I fall in love with you" (in hindsight I cannot believe that I said that - it was something I thought but did not wish to express). He does seem like a great guy and this is very difficult for me. I so appreciate your helpful words of advice.

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi SJ - If I had my time over - and I've said it before - I would not be doing what I am doing right now - been with MM for 9 months. If I was at the 3 week period like you are - I would run and not look back. Yes it is fun and exciting at first, just like I was when it all started, now it is absolute misery in my situation as I am in love with him and now trying to break away. There is so much more to life than this. Yet I feel helpless at the moment. I'm not saying that your situation will be like mine - but read some other threads on how depressed OW are. It can be absolutely heartbreaking. It's not worth it.

[sprintjulia]

Crystal;

Thanks for the insight. I guess I have really seen how the OW are feeling during these terrible situations that can suck the life out of you. I am feeling kind of up and down during really what has been a very short A.

I have not recd a call or email from him since middle of last week, maybe.

I have started NC since Friday evening and typically by Monday I want to email or call. I have not done either. I really want to balance the power out as best I can. I know that I started off on the wrong foot. I even told him up front that I can be overwhelming and impatient. I think that I have been very clear about things from my side up front. I think that for him being MM for 20 years and basically living out of suitcase for past 14 years it is easy for him to be very distracted by his work. I find this all to be very sad and I have a strong desire to try to help him see that there is more to life than that. I do understand everything that you stated, but as I am sure you know, human nature is such that many times people have to find their own way by making their own mistakes. I think right now I would just like to continue with NC and hope that he calls me.

I will see him later in the week thru a work thing and would like to at least talk before that but not sure if that will happen or not. Thanks for the feedback.

[Owl]

Have you considered what was lacking in your marriage...and seeking ways to rebuild/repair your marriage so that you're happy THERE, instead of seeking out MM?

[sprintjulia]

I have thought about it. I started counseling again early this summer but have not scheduled another appointment. I touched on it, but I do feel like I have my heart in what I need to do (or we need to do) to get things back on track. I realize that this should be the best course of action.

I have always been drawn to more of the high adrenaline type situations so I guess this MM route seems more appealing right now. I guess that is a somewhat weak answer. sorry.

[norajane]

I have thought about it. I started counseling again early this summer but have not scheduled another appointment. I touched on it, but I do feel like I have my heart in what I need to do (or we need to do) to get things back on track. I realize that this should be the best course of action.

I have always been drawn to more of the high adrenaline type situations so I guess this MM route seems more appealing right now. I guess that is a somewhat weak answer. sorry.

 

Your heart isn't in repairing your marriage if you are entertaining the idea of hooking up with MM this week, if he invites you to his room during the conference. That's the opposite of having your heart in it.

 

I think that for him being MM for 20 years and basically living out of suitcase for past 14 years it is easy for him to be very distracted by his work. I find this all to be very sad and I have a strong desire to try to help him see that there is more to life than that.

 

Do you really think he has no idea there is more to life than work? And why do you think that you are the best one to show that to him?

 

Has it crossed your mind he may be a serial business-travel cheater? That you are probably not the first in those 14 years of business travel that he has cheated with, and are not likely to be the last? That he stays married and cheats and will continue to do so no matter who he cheats with?

 

Have you considered that you are not his only OW at the moment, that in other cities he could have other women who offer him what you have been offering?

 

I do understand everything that you stated, but as I am sure you know, human nature is such that many times people have to find their own way by making their own mistakes. I think right now I would just like to continue with NC and hope that he calls me.

 

It's good to learn from your own mistakes, but smart people learn from other people's mistakes. You think your marriage is bad now and MM seems exciting; if you manage to turn this fling into an affair, you will be wishing you had chosen another path. It's much easier to walk away NOW than it will be 6 months from now.

[wildsoul]

I think that for him being MM for 20 years and basically living out of suitcase for past 14 years it is easy for him to be very distracted by his work. I find this all to be very sad and I have a strong desire to try to help him see that there is more to life than that.

Newsflash: encouraging yourselves to have an affair is most likely to destroy your quality of life rather than enhance it.

 

A few times in this thread you've stated that you know you have negative patterns in place. Adreneline seeker. Rejection seeker. (I'm not judging btw, because I can relate.) But what I'm reading is that you've done some work on these issues in the past. Why on earth are you pursuing a set back? Did you forget how much these kind of patterns hurt? The path towards addictive pain is paved with denial.

 

That you're even considering this means you're slipping! Next comes falling. Those of us who are trying to heal from our own accidents all wish we'd have prevented them. I know we can't prevent yours, but I'd like to remind you that YOU can. Save yourself the setback, sister. It's not worth it--it just seems like that while you're in the attraction phase.

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi SJ - If I had my time over - and I've said it before - I would not be doing what I am doing right now -If I was at the 3 week period like you are - I would run and not look back. Yes it is fun and exciting at first, just like I was when it all started, now it is absolute misery /quote]

 

Newsflash: encouraging yourselves to have an affair is most likely to destroy your quality of life rather than enhance it.

 

That you're even considering this means you're slipping! Next comes falling. Those of us who are trying to heal from our own accidents all wish we'd have prevented them. I know we can't prevent yours, but I'd like to remind you that YOU can. Save yourself the setback, sister. It's not worth it--it just seems like that while you're in the attraction phase.

 

Great advice WS.

 

SJ - Please try and listen with your head more than your heart. This can be so hard. I honestly would give anything to turn back the hands of time - but I can't - you're not in too deep - keep the NC up completely - no if's or but's. This is not a nice place some of us OW are in. When I mean misery, I mean it. And yes, I've allowed it to happen and now he continually adds fuel to the fire. Some of us OW didn't want to look into a mostly obvious crystal ball and ignored all the warning signs of such a set back in life. We walked directly into the hole and not around it. Very hard to get out now. You can. Don't fall in. It's not too late.

[sprintjulia]

Thanks again for the advise. I actually meant to say earlier, that "I don't feel like I have my heart in doing what I need to repair my M right now"

This option of being with MM seems much more appealing. Yes, I do know what you all are saying and I am hearing it loud and clear. I think the other part that is frustrating to me is that I have not heard from him in a few days so I don't know where his head is at. I can assume that something is up though. I did break NC yesterday with an email in mid day.

No response yet. Felt good to get my thoughts out, not in a very mean or heavy way, just matter of fact. The thing is I have to work with this guy.

To answer NJ about the serial cheater question, I doubt it, maybe, but I doubt it. He has kind of a public job that would cause him to be very cautious which I think is part of him stepping back right now. I think he fears that it may get to be too much for him. He actually volunteered the first time we were together that "it had been awhile" when I pressed him on that he said "no relations with W this year at all" I felt a lot of empathy and sadness for him at that. Also, I felt he was being truthful. I am going to try very hard to be logical and sensible about this. The defining moment for this trip is in a couple of days. I use this analogy about this siutation, it is kind of like I have just found myself in quicksand a short distance from safety where I know I can get out, but as I look off in the distance I think I see someone (sic valuable) that I could save. I guess I am trying to decide which way to go, but also the decision may have already been made for me by him.

Thanks again. I look forward to your thoughts.

[Owl]

Frankly, you sound like you're going through a lot of mental hoops to justify having an affair with the MM, and ignoring your marriage.

 

You know what you NEED to do...you're simply choosing to ignore that for what you WANT to do.

 

While that's not always a bad thing, it IS when you're married. It is when there are others that are going to be hurt by your choices.

 

I have no doubt that the affair seems far more attractive...make no mistake. Its an escape, it doesn't require any effort on your part.

 

But listen to all the ladies here who have been down that path, and are hurting now. Think about what this is all going to do to your H. Your family.

 

You may not WANT to work on your marriage, but doesn't your H deserve the truth, at least?

[lkjh]

Hes not backing off hes taking control.When you don't show interest in a woman it makes it easier to control the R because they want you even more. Don't think for a second because hes in a public job that hes most likely a good guy because that is never the case. Do husband a favor and divorce him now because you are not fit to be in a real R.

[bentnotbroken]

Justifications to make yourself feel better. If your M doesn't mean anything to you anymore, why not walk away and begin anew? What about his wife and family? Do you feel anything for her and her children? Your husband and your children? How would your children view you if they found out? These are all legitimate questions that you should ask yourself before you invest more energy into someone else's husband.

[sprintjulia]

Wow, you are all very harsh. I understand and get what you are saying.

I do have a lot to think on. I am not going to tell my H about this as I am not sure where it is going yet. I can't leave my H and kids because it is way to complicated to do so, house, finances etc. That is not to say I would not do that in the future I just need to process this all the way through first. I understand that you all have lived through worse, I get that. I am in this situation right now that involves ME and I need to think carefully. I am not a rubber stamp that I can say OK I WILL JUST DO WHAT IS MORALLY CORRECT NOW. Life is not that simple, and I am sure that you all must know that too. I do think about my kids and I have thought about the OW and hers as well. I have tried to be very careful so far. I just cannot help but think how about the OW and how little she has thought about him? He has not said much but what he has stated has made me wonder. Please don't be too hard on me. I am trying to process this in the best manner that I can.

[bentnotbroken]

Everything is black and white. Why can't you can't do what is morally right? If one of your children's lives was being destroyed by someone outside of their marriage, what advice would you give them as you watch them hurt? What comfort would you offer? What would you feel about the people(spouse and other person)who are hurting them?

 

 

You only know what he has told you. If you want the truth about his marriage, talk to his wife and get her side. The truth is somewhere in the middle of both of those stories.

 

Lastly, what does your husband deserve from you? To be kept as a safety net, to live in a loveless marriage, to be in the dark and have no say so about his life and whether or not he wants to stay with someone who doesn't respect him?

[sprintjulia]

I agree that I need to consider the children, for sure. I understand that.

I think that three weeks into this I don't need to make any life altering decisions about what I need to confess yet. I am really just processing this all right now. I do love my kids very much. I would never wish to hurt them. I will consider them at every juncture along the way. My H does deserve my honesty and faithfullness. I will come clean in the near future if need be. Gosh, I cannot believe how morally straight this forum is. Not that I am looking for support of "go for it" but some compassion would be nice.

[Owl]

Can you clarify what you really were hoping to hear when you came here?

 

I don't see that this forum is "so morally straight".

 

I wasn't harsh...at all. I told you what I picked up in your post. Was I wrong?

 

What were you hoping to hear? What were you hoping to GAIN from posting here?

[bentnotbroken]

I agree that I need to consider the children, for sure. I understand that.

I think that three weeks into this I don't need to make any life altering decisions about what I need to confess yet. I am really just processing this all right now. I do love my kids very much. I would never wish to hurt them. I will consider them at every juncture along the way. My H does deserve my honesty and faithfullness. I will come clean in the near future if need be. Gosh, I cannot believe how morally straight this forum is. Not that I am looking for support of "go for it" but some compassion would be nice.

 

 

I would doubt that the others would agree with you on the morally straight nature of this forum. That's my stick. I can only be what I am. What kind of compassion are you looking for? I don't have to beat you up and you don't have to pay attention to what I say. If morals aren't a big deal to you, why let my statements bother you, just ignore them. I won't be offended, mad, upset or pissed. You are indeed entitled to live your life as you see fit. But I will always point out that there are more than you and this prick involved. Other lives are affected whether you admit or acknowledge it.

[Agent_99]

sj~

 

I remember the first couple weeks of my affair. I told several friends what I was contemplating before anything physical happened. They all without hesitation told me to run the other way. I didn't listen. I rationalizd. It had been years since hubby and I had a good bedroom life. I too am an adreniline junky, and the excitement was overwhelming. I too am impatient, the difference is MW was impatient too, we had lots of contact before we ever kissed.

 

we were both looking for PA only, but since we were already friends it quickly turned into an emotional thing. Two weeks after our first kiss we both realized we were falling for each other.

 

Best advice I can give ~ back off. Set a time limit for yourself to get your emotions under control. I'm serious. Affairs are hard! You have this huge important part of your life, that you can't share in a meaningful way with anyone else in your life. The people you do tell get tired of hearing about it. People judge you, even people you really wouldn't think would.

 

I ended my A, then ended my marriage. THEN because of the support I recieved after my marriage ended, we restarted the A. 10 months later I'm still in it, still incredibly in love and I cry myself to sleep everynight. She won't leave her partner for financial and children reasons. She's miserable with P, but just won't leave. I've asked

 

So in the end it doesn't matter that her and I are incredibly compatable, can talk about anything, and love each other; we'll never have anything that what it is right now.

 

I want to tell you that it is enough, but it's not.

 

So give yourself some time. If I had done that before starting my A, I may not have gone through with it. Although I'm a stubborn one and had set my mind to it.

 

If you still really feel like this is the way to go, don't just keep hopping into bed with MM, talk to him. Ask him flat out where his marriage stands, and if he is considering leaving wife. If you both have feelings that would lead to a relationship, do the honerable thing and end your marriages first.

 

I've also been the BS, and it's a very painful place to be.

 

Affairs can become this crazy catch 22, where you love the person so much that emotionally it is almost impossible to leave, and yet it is almost impossible to stay in it.

 

~99