Should I pursue a relationship with an ex-student?

[Balthazar]

Well, I’m back after an eight day vacation, feeling quite fresh and invigorated. June and July were routine months at work, but emotionally trying due to difficulties I had with a certain lady.

 

Last Thursday, I ran across a former student, Anna, who I had known since she was a young girl in the second grade.

She and her cousin Maria(same age, also a former student) had been students of mine on and off for about 8 years, and they finished their studies a few years back(2004 or so).

 

We all live in the same neighborhood, so I would see them and their parents from time to time and the relationship was always quite friendly.

 

A few years back, my mom was visiting and she has a chance meeting with Anna in front of my home.

She commented on what a pretty young lady Anna had become - she was 19 at the time.

I don’t know what else may have happened, but after soon after, Anna’s mom starts to pop by the school where I work and was always very friendly.

I understood that Anna may have a crush on me and her mom approved, but I felt she was too young and my heart was not really into dating an ex-student of mine, so I quietly dropped off the radar for a few years.

About a year back, Maria (Anna’s cousin and also an ex-student) passed by the school asking for a recommendation for a postgraduate program.

We greet each other enthusiastically and I notice she has blossomed into a beautiful young woman.

Now, a few weeks back, I meet Maria’s mom at a local bank, and she starts telling me about how Maria is back from her studies and will start work. Then, she showers some compliments on me and says Maria will pass by the school to catch up on old times.

 

Last Thursday, I run into Anna and I propose she and Maria join me for dinner Friday night. She readily accepts and says she will inform Maria.

 

Friday night comes round, and I meet the cousins in front of the restaurant. I notice they have both become attractive young ladies, in the prime of their beauty.

They are both about 24 now.

Maria is a quite attractive and feminine but, unfortunately, a bit more conceited than I would have liked.

Anna is more grounded but not as interesting or feminine.

We sit at a round table and I am seated opposite Maria, and quite close to Anna.

I felt I should sit next to Anna as she is the one with whom I had contact with and set up the dinner. Furthermore, Anna is the one who had had a crush on me a few years back.

 

During the course of the dinner, I establish that both are in relationships, but they made it clear that their relationships are not that important. It is as if they both deem them to be transitional.

Anna says about her BF: “It’s not as is I will marry him or anything…”

Maria does not mention having a BF, but I sort of get it out of her. She doesn’t seem to be a doting GF either.

 

I also notice that they are a bit confrontational with each other, especially Maria towards Anna.

Concerning my status, I tell them that I am dating, but have not been in a serious relationship since autumn 2007(when I broke up a LTR).

 

Since I had invited them out, I pay the bill and Anne says it will be their treat next time.

At the entrance, we kiss goodbye and Anne insists we must do this again soon.

 

IMPRESSIONS

 

Maria and Anne are not young girls anymore. They are clearly women, and while our dinner together was friendly, I got the impression that I could make a move on one of them if I wish to.

The problem is that they are both delightful, and both are ex-students.

Anne is more expressive in wanting to see me again, while Maria is more of a diva and does not want to reveal any feelings easily.

However, I am clearly more in sync with Maria and our body language towards each other was much more expressive. In fact, I could clearly see her mirroring me.

With Anne everything was a bit more trying.

Our age difference does not seem to be a problem (They know I am now 38), in fact, Maria kept complimenting me during the evening, stating I looked younger and fitter now that 10 years ago (Truly, I am fitter).

 

They are cousins, and I can only pursue one of the two ladies but I find myself more attracted to Maria and they both do have boyfriends, regardless of how seriously they view their relationships.

Finally, I am pretty sure I have the blessings of both their moms (not sure if this is relevant).

 

How should I proceed with this matter?

Should I proceed?

 

Thanks for your input on such a long post,

[xpaperxcutx]

B, your story spells out T-A-B-O-O, but it's the modern age so we need to move away from the 50's and live in the here and now, meaning if you like either Anna or Maria, then what's to stop you from pursuing a relationship with either of them? But you have to wonder if a long ltr is even possible, since Maria seems a bit stuckup, and you're not as attracted to Anna as you are to Maria.

 

I don't see any problems with you dating one of your students, except you've known her since the 2nd grade (?) so that might come out a bit creepy. But who am I to judge? Besides, my best friend has just started dating a guy who used to be her TA. She has all the fun (she's 18 and he's 25)

[Balthazar]

I am fond of both of them X, but Maria is more attractive to me and easier to talk to.

However, I really don't understand their nonchalant attitude towards their boyfriends.

 

 

Second, I'm not sure about the ethics of asking out either of them when they have a BF.

 

To be honest, I would have never even have asked them out to dinner if it hadn't been for Maria's mom practically telling me to get together with her.

 

As concern the age difference, I made it clear to both of them during dinner that I date women of all ages, as long as there is mutual attraction.

 

Finally, after frolicking around an island for a week, I am more in ONS than LTRmode.

 

Thanks for your input x,

[monkey00]

I think a lot of times certain people harbor strong feelings toward that one person they've met throughout their lives, and it sounds to me like it may be you for those 2 girls.

 

Now as for the bf upgrade dilemma, I know girls that do that. I've often seen that happen with girls that aren't satisfied with their relationship or they've never really taken it seriously from the start. Or the relationship is already in crumbling mode.

 

I can see why you like Maria, the whole mysterious and reserved type which keeps you on the hook. I say if you like her I see no reason to not ask her out.

[torranceshipman]

Ask one out and see what happens!

 

They sound like your average cute mid-20's girls who know guys are into them and enjoy dating but are not ready to settle down yet...I didnt read any signs of interest from them in your post, and Maria might've been acting aloof because she got the vibe from you that you were interested, and she wasnt...or who knows, maybe she was - but thats why you need to ask her out, so you'll know

 

Good luck!

[Jilly Bean]

Do you still teach, B?

 

If so, then I strongly urge you NOT to pop either of these girls. Chances are highly probable they will kiss and tell, and do you want your reputation to be that you are the teacher who bangs your much younger, former students? It has such pedophilic undertones and comes off as creepy.

 

BUT, if you no longer teach, then it sounds like you could probably orchestrate a three-way.

[JoeNewbie]

They are grown ups and have not been your student for years now. This is not even borderline unethical. I say go for it.

[sfsassy]

Do you still teach, B?

 

If so, then I strongly urge you NOT to pop either of these girls. Chances are highly probable they will kiss and tell, and do you want your reputation to be that you are the teacher who bangs your much younger, former students? It has such pedophilic undertones and comes off as creepy.

 

BUT, if you no longer teach, then it sounds like you could probably orchestrate a three-way.

They are like 24, why would that be like a pedophile? What grade do you teach, B. If you teach little kids, or say until 8 grade (13) I don't see that much of aa problem, unless you announce to your class you are dating a former student. High school and up, people do get more aware of those types of things, and t could get dicey, especially if you have ALWAYS worked for the same school. A former boyfriend of mine dated someone when she was 21 who he had taught when she was like 10. the teacher part never bothered me, because he had run into her after a long time of not seeing her. Now I thought he might have been a bit old for her, as he was in his early 40's, but he was clearly not abusing his position or anything like that.

[Jilly Bean]

They are like 24, why would that be like a pedophile?

 

No, what I said was pedophilic UNDERTONES. Because one could argue he had prurient thoughts towards his students WHILE they were underage and he was teaching them.

 

I just think you walk a fine line as a teacher dating students no matter what their age. There could also be some uptight parent who gets wind of the affair, and next thing you know, you're being watched and suspected.

 

It happens.

 

I know B is NOT a pedophile, and that is NOT what I said.

 

I just know how busy body parents can be about teachers and their kids in school. My best friend is an assistant principal, and I hear these kind of stories a LOT.

[Balthazar]

Let me address all the posters

 

torranceshipman: I am not sure how much interest there is, but I would wager that Anne is interested. Maria is not easy to read, which means she is either not interested or has lower interest. However, she is an impressive young lady and may just be more difficult all around.

 

 

 

To JillyB: Yes, i still teach(It is a school offering special language lessons which I own) but mostly manage.

Jilly, I wouldn't have even asked them out, but Maria and Anne's moms have liked me for years and were positive on me taking them out. You might argue that it may been only a dinner amongst "friends", but I am pretty sure there are underlying feelings.

Concerning the pedophillic undertones, there shouldn't be any. I haven't taught them for many years, and they are both 24, many years over legal age.

I know it is a bit funny dating a student you have known as a little girl, but little girls grow up and become women.

And both of them made it clear to me Friday night that they are women by the way they dressed and acted.

Funny thing is they still listen to me as if I was there teacher.

Example, Anna lit a cigarette and when I commented that she smoked, she proceeded not to smoke another for the whole night.

 

To JoeNewbie:

Yep, I feel the same way

 

To Sfsassy:

 

This is a similar situation Sass. I am about 14 years their elder, and their former teacher, but if everyone is consenting, I don't see the problem.

 

THE SITUATION AS I SEE IT

 

I am not comfortable asking either of them out yet, not until I get some sort of clear signal that they are not concerned with the age difference.

Furthermore, they have boyfriends, in fact, Anne commented that she way going away with hers for 7 days.

But as I previously mentioned, they have both made it clear that they are not so serious about their relationships(I don't know why!).

 

I need to stress that I will only date ONE of these girls, after all they are cousins, and I am friends with the family.

 

I usually would stay away from such situations, but both of their moms seem very friendly towards me and have almost pushed me towards asking them out.

In fact, a big problem I have is that there may be some degree of jealousy if I chose one over the other(For example, Maria was quite aggressive towards Anne on Friday).

And the problem is that I have feelings for both these girls, after all, I have know them since they were 8 or so, I wouldn't want to put either of them in a difficult situation or hurt them in any way.

 

I think I am just going to have to wait for some sort of action by either of them.

 

So, it is a tricky situation all round.

 

It is interesting how life puts us in interesting(if difficult) situations.

Now , If I lived closer, I would just ask JillyB out and that would be be the end of it.

[Jilly Bean]

No, what I'm saying B, is that if it gets out that you are dating former students, AND with a such a big age disparity, the parents of your current students may raise an eyebrow or two.

 

But, as a 38-year old man, what is your interest in 24-year old girls, besides the obvious?

 

It seems odd that their parents are encouraging you. Do you think you are misreading the parents intentions? I can't imagine parents of young girls that have age-appropriate boyfriends pushing them to date 38-year old men. I just wonder if the parents interest in you "taking them out" is not romantic, as you seem to surmise, but maybe "good, old safe older former teacher who won't compromise the girls and can talk some sense into them".

 

Honestly, you know I love you, but the whole thing gives me the creeps. The fact that you have known each girl since they were 8, and are now poised to make sexual advances, now that they are well beyond legal age is just the stuff that Penthouse Forum is made of.

 

And, yes, if you would just move, this would be all moot, and I would not have to chide you on such silly behavior. See what we're reduced me? Me considering dating bi-cops and you dating kids.

[Balthazar]

I have always dated women of all ages, and I have actually gone lower than 24, but they are always mature in mind and manner.

Age differences don't really bother me, and for some reason, I have always been more successful with 20 somethings than with 30 somethings(I need to look into that).

 

As for the parents, Anne's mom even reprimanded me a year ago by saying " YOU men don't know how to pursue a woman anymore!".

What I wanted to reply was that I didn't want to pursue her daughter at that time.

SO , no, I don't think I am misinterpreting Anne's mom at least.

 

Forgot an important point.

Anne told me she was in France for 2 years. Apparently, see had a relationship with her University professor who was 12 years her senior. So, it is pretty clear this young lady likes older guys.

 

As for a teacher-student affair, I think mine really falls beyond that scope as other posters and myself have mentioned.

Think of it as just dating a teacher you had a crush on when you were in school.

 

I haven't really taken any initiatives here Jilly. I have just gone with the flow. I won't press anything, nor ask either or them out. Let's see where this goes.

 

As for moving, hmmm.. you are definitely giving me incentives to do so.

[almost famous]

Are you rich? If you are, that is why their parents are pushing for you. They want their daughters to marry "well."

[sfsassy]

Are you rich? If you are, that is why their parents are pushing for you. They want their daughters to marry "well."

Lol. My mom's friend was 17, when she met her husband who was 34 at the time. They have been together over 30 years, and are doing great. She was a bit emotionally mature for her age, and he was a bit emotionally immature for his age, so they balanced each other out. Knowing them I doubt it was about either sex or money. I think he was a professor at her college, but I don't think he taught her. She started college young too, because she was very academially gifted. (I think at 15)

[Balthazar]

Are you rich? If you are, that is why their parents are pushing for you. They want their daughters to marry "well."

 

I am not rich, but it would not be unrealistic to call me reasonably well off.

The parents are friends with my parents and I think there has always been a good relationship between my mom and their mothers.

 

I come from a family where there is an 18 year age difference between the parents.

My Dad married when he was 41 and my mom was 23.

And they have been happily married for 39 years.

So, while an age gap is always a factor, it would never actually stop me from pursuing a woman, unless she did not consent.

 

Furthermore, my own experiences have shown me that a good percentage of women do not really care about an age gap as long as they as with the man they want. I know this may fly in the face of contemporary US cultural norms, but it is what I have seen personally. And culturally, Europe differs quite a bit from the US.

 

But is a 14 year age gap stretching it? Well, yes, I think it is.

Which is one of the reasons I am walking on broken glass in this situation.