Love or Infatuation?

[Agent_99]

Wildsoul posted some links on one of her threads. I have been avidly reading them. One thing I came across that intrigued me was this essay. I thought it was very interesting, and is something to consider.

 

~~Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.

 

Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

 

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

 

Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

 

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"

 

Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."

 

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end - in intimacy.

 

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

 

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.

 

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.

 

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.

Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person.

[OpenBook]

Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

 

Totally disagree. Love is NOT about ownership. Ownership of another person = slavery, and has nothing to do with love.

 

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.

 

Again, I disagree. The OM/OW and Infidelity forums on this site alone are full of posts about "calm, secure and unthreatened" CS's.

 

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.

 

Once more - disagree. I've said this on another thread... how many countless songs are out there that describe how love "makes you do wrong."

 

------

Other than that, I'm down with it!

[Lookingforward]

Now let's talk about whether it's love or addiction LOL

 

Too funny - who cares what it's called? It is what it is.

[porter218]

I am not so sure I agree with this 100%. A lot of people who genuinely love someone also have an element of infatuation with this love. And plenty of people who have true love that started as friends and then in time became lover still have to worry if their SO may be cheating...because their SOs have before.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can agree with those pretty much, except for the 'friends turning to lovers' things. We were lovers before we even knew each others full names, and parents in under a year from that time.

 

My H and I started out purely a FWB infatuation, and from that grew over the years into the most solid love I have ever known with a man. We've weathered the worst of storms together - even when we were not H and W, we still loved each other. I would have to say that as a result we operate on a level that stuff like infidelity, etc. can't touch.

 

Any other relationships I've had - my times with OM and as OW, I can see now that they were pure infatuation. Some of the most thrilling and sometimes miserable times I've ever had. They don't call it a roller coaster for nuthin'.

[Tomcat33]

Can you please attribute the origin of these definitions or a link to the source of where they were taken from?

 

For me the source is very important when considering new ideas. Is this opinion from someone's blog or is this published information by a reputable source that has conducted extensive research to come up with these conclusions?

 

[wildsoul]

That was one of the articles on that website that I had read, but didn't agree with. The way the author framed it makes it sound like love is passionless, and that passion is mere infatuation.

 

in·fat·u·ate

1.to inspire or possess with a foolish or unreasoning passion, as of love. 2.to affect with folly; make foolish or fatuous.

 

For the record, it might also rub me the wrong way because I chose my xH in large part because I did not feel infatuation for him. I had suffered greatly from a passionate relationship that crashed and burned. I did a lot of healing that included reading a lot of things simililar to that article. I began to see passion/chemistry as something to be avoided. I figured my radar was broken, yanno?

 

So instead, when I felt all those nice calm things on the love list, but none of the swoony things on the infatuation list, I thought I was being mature and choosing LOVE. Don't get me wrong, we did have love. But we never had passion. I didn't get the swoons. I wasn't sexually attracted. Later, that became an enormous problem! I lost all interest in sex. It was cozy and sweet, but uninspiring. Ultimately I left after 8 years with him. Looking back, I see that choosing a loving but passionless relationship was an over-correction on my part.

 

I want both love and passion. Nothing else will do now. Nothing less than both.

[Tomcat33]

That was one of the articles on that website that I had read, but didn't agree with. The way the author framed it makes it sound like love is passionless, and that passion is mere infatuation.

 

 

 

For the record, it might also rub me the wrong way because I chose my xH in large part because I did not feel infatuation for him. I had suffered greatly from a passionate relationship that crashed and burned. I did a lot of healing that included reading a lot of things simililar to that article. I began to see passion/chemistry as something to be avoided. I figured my radar was broken, yanno?

 

So instead, when I felt all those nice calm things on the love list, but none of the swoony things on the infatuation list, I thought I was being mature and choosing LOVE. Don't get me wrong, we did have love. But we never had passion. I didn't get the swoons. I wasn't sexually attracted. Later, that became an enormous problem! I lost all interest in sex. It was cozy and sweet, but uninspiring. Ultimately I left after 8 years with him. Looking back, I see that choosing a loving but passionless relationship was an over-correction on my part.

 

I want both love and passion. Nothing else will do now. Nothing less than both.

 

 

Thanks for providing the source Wild. I agree with you and I don't blame you for wanting a good balance of the two the next time around. I will give this a read.

 

You know one major major flaw I see with these ideas that love should be this and not that is that it takes away from people's personal experience of what falling in love is for them. There are all these new variations of what falling in love should look like and at the end of the day this an abstract concept that each human being experiences in a very personal way.

 

One of the most altering philosophies I read about on love, that has stuck to me ever since, was in a book I read on what our tendencies are after we break up with someone significant in our lives. I had just gotten out a 6 yr relationship and completly lost to the world of dating and feeling like I had to relearn some things as well as find out who I had become in the past 6 yrs, I read the idea that when we end a relationship we sometimes make the fatal mistake of looking for someone that has completly different qualities or opposite qualities to those that attracted us to our last partner in the hopes that this time around we can avoid making the same mistakes. This is detrimental to us because when we do that we steer away from finding a mate that will ultimately make us happy. If we go and choose someone completely opposite to what feels natural to us, out of fear, then eventually when the novelty wears off we will realise that we are ultimately dissatisfied with our choice. This made so much sense to me.

 

Much the same philosophy can be applied to this idea that passion should not exist for real love to be present and we should solely work on developing a friendship even if passion is not there.

 

So when I read descriptions of what falling in love should and should not look like it seems more an idea based on fear and less on reality. Of course we need to take into account certain criteria in order for it to be healthy and fulfilling love but to compromise components of what we need (like say passion or physical attraction or intellectual stimulation) I think can ultimately harm us in the long run.

 

I don't adhere to this idea that passion is dangerous, to me passion is part of the package if it's not there I move on. And passion is mental as well as physical.

[Agent_99]

That was one of the articles on that website that I had read, but didn't agree with. The way the author framed it makes it sound like love is passionless, and that passion is mere infatuation.

 

 

 

For the record, it might also rub me the wrong way because I chose my xH in large part because I did not feel infatuation for him. I had suffered greatly from a passionate relationship that crashed and burned. I did a lot of healing that included reading a lot of things simililar to that article. I began to see passion/chemistry as something to be avoided. I figured my radar was broken, yanno?

 

So instead, when I felt all those nice calm things on the love list, but none of the swoony things on the infatuation list, I thought I was being mature and choosing LOVE. Don't get me wrong, we did have love. But we never had passion. I didn't get the swoons. I wasn't sexually attracted. Later, that became an enormous problem! I lost all interest in sex. It was cozy and sweet, but uninspiring. Ultimately I left after 8 years with him. Looking back, I see that choosing a loving but passionless relationship was an over-correction on my part.

 

I want both love and passion. Nothing else will do now. Nothing less than both.

 

Hi Wildsoul,

 

I agree. I was never infatuated with my XH. We had a good functional marriage, we worked well together, never really argued(until the last year), but there was no passion. Now that I have experienced real passion and real love, I won't settle for anything less.

 

Although at this point I am settling for a 50% relationship, the love and passion are there.

 

I thought the essay would be an interesting talking point

 

~99