Am I being played or am I the backup guy?

[Mako482]

A little background here, met this woman on eharmony about a month ago. After lots of emailing and phone convo we went on our first date which went very well, a few nights ago went on our second one which ended with hand holding and a pretty long and passionate goodnight kiss. Being eharmony and everyone is supposedly looking for their next spouse I was pretty optimistic at this point.

 

Anyway, really like this woman, but she has not made herself too available to me. Short phone conversations, rare emails, a few text messages but very short and to the point. Not a lot of feedback if any at all. She did tell me she wanted to kiss me on the first date, and both nights told me she had a great time and has always made plans for more, but nothing else. Pretty much the only feedback I have is she is still around and still talking about us getting together. We have all weekend ahead of us but she is making plans for us to get together during next week instead.

 

Anyway, it seems to me like she may be playing the dating game with me always leaving me wanting more lol. Ya think? Short phone calls, an email here and there, not letting me know how much she likes me (at all), keeping our dates during the week, etc. These are all rules I've read for dating. I am almost hoping she is because that would mean she wants to keep me right? lol. Because otherwise I would really question whether or not she is into me, I really feel I may be the backup guy in case the one she really wants to be with does not pan out. I don't want to be settled for. I also don't want to bring this up because I think it would be a real turn-off, I just hate the guessing game.

[Crestfallen_KH]

You've had two dates. I don't think you're either.

 

It sounds as if she likes you, but is probably also dating other people. If you guys had been on a few more dates, I could understand your concern but I think it's a little too early to worry about being "played" or being the "backup guy." It's unrealistic to expect her (or you) to just be dating one person.

 

If you like her, ask her out and go on another date. Don't invest too much, too soon. If you're enjoying yourself, just go out with her and see where it goes.

 

Relax!

[Mako482]

You've had two dates. I don't think you're either.

 

It sounds as if she likes you, but is probably also dating other people. If you guys had been on a few more dates, I could understand your concern but I think it's a little too early to worry about being "played" or being the "backup guy." It's unrealistic to expect her (or you) to just be dating one person.

 

If you like her, ask her out and go on another date. Don't invest too much, too soon. If you're enjoying yourself, just go out with her and see where it goes.

 

Relax!

 

Good point lol. I guess my expectations were different with eharmony, I saw it as not one of those dating sites where people just date date date, if you find someone you click with and are interested in you give it a shot. I don't want to be part of a dating circle, especially intimately. If she's kissing other dudes the way she kissed me I don't care to share that lol. Lord knows what else is being kissed as well! If what you say is true maybe I just have the wrong idea about it all, this dating thing would not be for me. It's been a long time since I've done this stuff, I just have to relearn what it's all about. 10 years of marriage screws with your head.

[Mako482]

So I have been giving this whole dating thing some thought and looked at more dating tip sites, really confused by it. Everyone is different, so what might attract some will repel others. Also what if both people are playing the game? Don't you need at least one non-player to get it to work? If no one is chasing then you two will never talk lol. Where is the balance? I get it, you need to make them want you and you do that by making yourself unavailable etc. It's pretty freaking stressful at this point lol. I really like this chic, would like to call her right now, maybe she wants me to call too, maybe she is feeling the same way about calling me!! Maybe she'll be like screw him, he must not be interested lol. Holy crap this sucks! It just doesn't feel natural.

[Mako482]

Broke down and called her yesterday, her kid was screaming so after a short but sweet convo she asked if she could call me back in a little bit, I said sure. She never called. Today nothing, no texts, emails, nothing. So either she got hit by a truck or I am officially in "blow off mode". I really don't get women these days, how can you show so much interest one day and just walk away the next? Wow.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Broke down and called her yesterday, her kid was screaming so after a short but sweet convo she asked if she could call me back in a little bit, I said sure. She never called. Today nothing, no texts, emails, nothing. So either she got hit by a truck or I am officially in "blow off mode". I really don't get women these days, how can you show so much interest one day and just walk away the next? Wow.

 

 

Yep thats women for ya...mixed signals than nothing...i will never get it eaither.

[loveinlife]

Im the back up guy with one of my girl friends

[LionLover]

Well you can’t really make that assumption after 2 dates & it has only been 24 hours since you last spoke. Plus she has a child which I am sure takes up a lot of one’s time. If she’s interested, she will want to spend more time with you. So just give it a few days, set up another date & take it from there. If she likes you/wants to see you again, she’ll say yes.

 

Just try not to go into it already assuming what the outcome will be.

[Mako482]

Well you can’t really make that assumption after 2 dates & it has only been 24 hours since you last spoke. Plus she has a child which I am sure takes up a lot of one’s time. If she’s interested, she will want to spend more time with you. So just give it a few days, set up another date & take it from there. If she likes you/wants to see you again, she’ll say yes.

 

Just try not to go into it already assuming what the outcome will be.

 

That's an optimistic outlook and I can appreciate it, despite really like this woman something just hasn't felt right about this all along, I just couldn't put my finger on it which is why I came here. Like I said, who likes someone they just started dating and then doesn't call them when they say they will? I mean, your best foot is suppose to be forward when you are meeting someone right? Ok, I can see that happening, but how about that and then they don't call again or even a quick text/email to apologize for it and that something came up? That's just how I think. Yea it was just two dates but we got to know each other through email and the phone first, and the two dates went so freaking well, that is the kicker.

 

So anyway, I feel like I'm being blown off and my next move is to not make one at all. She knows she told me she would call me back, she knows she didn't and has not contacted me about it at all. Obviously this is for a reason, I would feel severely punked out if I resorted to calling her. I don't chase that way, if you act like you want me to go away.....away is where I go.

 

If anyone thinks I am going about this the wrong way I appreciate hearing it. If she calls and wants to go out I'm all for giving it a chance, I just honestly deep down don't think she is going to.

[LionLover]

"It hasn’t felt right" because YOUR not allowing it too. You already have it predisposed in your head that she’s “playing you” so it doesn’t matter what she does or what she says, you’ve already made up your mind.

 

If you continue with that mindset, that is the fastest way to send someone running because all it does is display mistrust on your end. No one says you have to chase her, but in this early stage (2 dates) you are still getting to know each other and I think it is safe to assume that neither of you should be expected to drop everything for someone they just met.

 

That doesn’t mean she’s not interested, it means she also has her own life and things to tend to like work, family/friends, etc. & so you can’t expect her to change all of that in the beginning when she doesn’t even know you.

 

I could understand if after the 2nd date, you called her & she got back to you a week later or something but your jumping the gun here way too fast.

[Mako482]

"It hasn’t felt right" because YOUR not allowing it too. You already have it predisposed in your head that she’s “playing you” so it doesn’t matter what she does or what she says, you’ve already made up your mind.

 

If you continue with that mindset, that is the fastest way to send someone running because all it does is display mistrust on your end. No one says you have to chase her, but in this early stage (2 dates) you are still getting to know each other and I think it is safe to assume that neither of you should be expected to drop everything for someone they just met.

 

That doesn’t mean she’s not interested, it means she also has her own life and things to tend to like work, family/friends, etc. & so you can’t expect her to change all of that in the beginning when she doesn’t even know you.

 

I could understand if after the 2nd date, you called her & she got back to you a week later or something but your jumping the gun here way too fast.

 

You could be right of course, I hope you are. First know she has no clue of this because if I ever mentioned any of it then it would surely send her running lol. It just always seemed she was giving me only enough to keep me on the line, something I had yet to experience with any other woman and that brought me to this thread. Honestly I was sky high after our second date, after the passionate goodnight kiss and thought "this is a lock". After that things started getting more quirky.

 

As for the phone call you don't see a difference between just not calling for a few days and telling someone "I'll call you back in a bit" and never doing it? Not even the next day? I guess maybe it is because I'm just not wired that way, if I tell someone I will call them back and I don't I at least will send them a quick text or email letting them know what happened and apologizing for it.

 

Again, in the end my attitude right now stems from the expectation she is not going to be contacting me again, because if she wanted to I truly feel she would have by now. I base that on our conversation trends thus far. I hope you're right though, I guess I am just preparing myself for it to not happen. I appreciate the input even if it appears I am not heeding your advice;) I could use the optimism. I'm just disappointed is all, and maybe the old self-esteem is aching a bit. I'm a pride guy;)

[sultry33]

hi op you do sound a little over the top.. id be a bit freaked if it was me..

 

i have children and i can say hand on heart that im the worst for calling back an texting.. days even.. but some days i dont stop texting.. its not just time.. sometimes after a crappy day you cannot think what to say:eek:

 

maybe she does not want to rush things either...

 

for me weekends are with my friends.. week days would be for dating but im not doing that yet..

 

i did go on one date a few weeks back and the guy was way over the top and non stopped contacted me.. was pretty stalkerish to the point i just ignored him.. he still sends me abusive messages now.. im an a hole for ignoring him.. we got on so well

 

please take it slow and if she dont call... move on ..

hope it works out for you

 

ps... where are these dating rules you mention?

[LionLover]

First know she has no clue of this because if I ever mentioned any of it then it would surely send her running lol.

 

I would too, I mean your ready to send her to the gas chamber all ready, geesh!

 

 

It just always seemed she was giving me only enough to keep me on the line, something I had yet to experience with any other woman.

 

Ok well she is not "every" woman, she is her own individual with her own thought process and it's not always going to match up to yours or what you think it "should" be.

 

 

Honestly I was sky high after our second date, after the passionate goodnight kiss and thought "this is a lock".

 

Well it could very well be if you just let things happen naturally. She could be sky high too, but her way of showing it may be different from yours & perhaps she prefers it to be in person vs. phone which I can relate to because I am not a phone person it is impersonal & prefer face-to-face.

 

 

As for the phone call you don't see a difference between just not calling for a few days and telling someone "I'll call you back in a bit" and never doing it? Not even the next day? I guess maybe it is because I'm just not wired that way, if I tell someone I will call them back and I don't I at least will send them a quick text or email letting them know what happened and apologizing for it.

 

Again, not everyone thinks the same way as you...If it becomes more of a concern of yours as things progress, then tell her. Tell her it bothers you & you would like more from her in that aspect. You have to be able to communicate what your needs/wants are otherwise no one knows.

 

 

Again, in the end my attitude right now stems from the expectation she is not going to be contacting me again, because if she wanted to I truly feel she would have by now. I base that on our conversation trends thus far. I hope you're right though, I guess I am just preparing myself for it to not happen. I appreciate the input even if it appears I am not heeding your advice;) I could use the optimism. I'm just disappointed is all, and maybe the old self-esteem is aching a bit. I'm a pride guy;)

 

Well it's impossible for any of us to know we don't have crystal balls. I understand the pride thing, girls have it too. But put aside the phone issue, and focus on other areas that have gone well between the two of you. That is what you should be looking for, not the length of time between calls.

 

 

ps... where are these dating rules you mention?

 

Yes, please please please no more rules....I am firmly convinced all they do is screw up everything. Rules are not meant for emotions, all it does is constrict them!

[Mako482]

hi op you do sound a little over the top.. id be a bit freaked if it was me..

LOL. I'm sure it can come off that way, really though on a message board it is easy to be seen like that. I just had some things going through my head that I decided to throw out here, I assure you aside from my disappointment I am perfectly sane here behind this keyboard;)

 

i have children and i can say hand on heart that im the worst for calling back an texting.. days even.. but some days i dont stop texting.. its not just time.. sometimes after a crappy day you cannot think what to say:eek:

Same here, I have kids, school, work, etc, I understand how that can get in the way and have no problem with that.

 

maybe she does not want to rush things either...

 

for me weekends are with my friends.. week days would be for dating but im not doing that yet..

 

i did go on one date a few weeks back and the guy was way over the top and non stopped contacted me.. was pretty stalkerish to the point i just ignored him.. he still sends me abusive messages now.. im an a hole for ignoring him.. we got on so well

 

please take it slow and if she dont call... move on ..

hope it works out for you

That is sooooooooo not me, seriously lol. I don't chase, I certainly don't stalk! I have tempered my excitement and enthusiam toward her, every conversation has been light and fun. As I already stated I am taking no further action, either she calls or she doesn't. I'm not the type to call her and whine, trust me;)

 

ps... where are these dating rules you mention?

Everywhere lol, just google dating tips, rules, whatever.

 

 

Look, I'm not being crazy about this, my gut is usually pretty straight up right. When I first posted this thread I sensed something different from her, now it has come to this point where for the first time she said she would call and didn't, going on the second day here with that one. So far I have been correct about it. Normally I would be like "whatever", it has been a LONG time since I have had a woman so obviously into me just turn it around like this. I know to you guys it's like "so she didn't call you today, big deal", but that's not it.

[Mako482]

I would too, I mean your ready to send her to the gas chamber all ready, geesh!

 

 

 

 

Ok well she is not "every" woman, she is her own individual with her own thought process and it's not always going to match up to yours or what you think it "should" be.

 

 

 

 

Well it could very well be if you just let things happen naturally. She could be sky high too, but her way of showing it may be different from yours & perhaps she prefers it to be in person vs. phone which I can relate to because I am not a phone person it is impersonal & prefer face-to-face.

 

 

 

 

Again, not everyone thinks the same way as you...If it becomes more of a concern of yours as things progress, then tell her. Tell her it bothers you & you would like more from her in that aspect. You have to be able to communicate what your needs/wants are otherwise no one knows.

 

 

 

 

Well it's impossible for any of us to know we don't have crystal balls. I understand the pride thing, girls have it too. But put aside the phone issue, and focus on other areas that have gone well between the two of you. That is what you should be looking for, not the length of time between calls.

 

 

 

 

Yes, please please please no more rules....I am firmly convinced all they do is screw up everything. Rules are not meant for emotions, all it does is constrict them!

 

Thanks again. I agree 100% with the rules thing! Ditch them!

 

I would love to be proven wrong and feel silly as hell for this thread, really! lol. Either way I'll be fine, I'm just sorry I came off as a freak here lol. Really, I am quite stable;) Just a guy looking for love and seeing the potential in someone for the first time in quite a while, and thinking maybe it was mutual. Maybe it still is, we'll see.

[sultry33]

LOL. I'm sure it can come off that way, really though on a message board it is easy to be seen like that. I just had some things going through my head that I decided to throw out here, I assure you aside from my disappointment I am perfectly sane here behind this keyboard;)

 

Same here, I have kids, school, work, etc, I understand how that can get in the way and have no problem with that.

 

That is sooooooooo not me, seriously lol. I don't chase, I certainly don't stalk! I have tempered my excitement and enthusiam toward her, every conversation has been light and fun. As I already stated I am taking no further action, either she calls or she doesn't. I'm not the type to call her and whine, trust me;)

 

Everywhere lol, just google dating tips, rules, whatever.

 

 

Look, I'm not being crazy about this, my gut is usually pretty straight up right. When I first posted this thread I sensed something different from her, now it has come to this point where for the first time she said she would call and didn't, going on the second day here with that one. So far I have been correct about it. Normally I would be like "whatever", it has been a LONG time since I have had a woman so obviously into me just turn it around like this. I know to you guys it's like "so she didn't call you today, big deal", but that's not it.

 

hi im sorry i wasnt calling you crazy.. was just showing how it could come across.. and how everyone is different in there contact rules..

 

my example although true.. unfortunantly,was just that.. showing how it can make the other feel..

 

i think you are making the right choice in leaving it up to her now and if she dont call or contact take it as a blessing as she would have bailed out

and you may have been hurt more..

 

btw you sound cool.. so you will be fine;) her loss right!

[Mako482]

Yea I think we can put a fork in it, it's done lol. I would have liked to have been wrong but oh well, not the first time and likely won't be the last.

 

Ya know the reason I get so annoyed at these moments is because it is so tough to not recall them the next time I think something is going well. Very hard to remain optimistic. I'll believe half of what you see and none of what you hear lol. That is what bums me out the most, the implications on my outlook of the next one, it's not like I was attached or anything. I survived a divorce after 10 years of marriage, I can survive a pseudo breakup that never was in the first place!

 

I still will never understand what happened, maybe she has a screw loose? Who knows?

 

Thanks for the advice anyway, I'll be around for more I'm sure lol.

[sultry33]

just have fun dating and wait for them to call..

that would be my rule.. but im a strange one apparently and a "a hole"

i can agree with the strange..

 

when its the right one they will call you.. no doubt about it;)

[Mako482]

Yea I hear ya, in the end I am just looking for someone I can love and will love me back. Sifting through all the garbage to find that diamond sucks! Some will get lucky and find it on top of the heap, others have to jump in and dig lol.

[LionLover]

You will never find what your looking for if you throw in the towel after one missed call, from her or any girl for that matter. For all you know she could be thinking something similar & hesitant to call because of it.

 

What I'm saying is you don't know. Knowing will at least give you peace of mind versus trying to play out in your head what you think may/may not have happened. Im in a similiar situation except we were dating a little longer & I pulled back because I thought we we're headed towards becoming exclusive (which is what I wanted) but I didn't think he was ready.

 

So I can relate where you are optimistic & think it’s headed in one direction but then it doesn’t. I'm still confused by a lot of things (I'm sure a lot of my actions didnt help) just as you are with women but this one I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I won't push the issue, he will call me back if/when he's ready too so you've only been on two dates with her but if you felt that strong of a connection then take the lead & then give her a chance to follow.

[Mako482]

You will never find what your looking for if you throw in the towel after one missed call, from her or any girl for that matter. For all you know she could be thinking something similar & hesitant to call because of it.

It was not just a missed call, it was a number of things adding up that collectively concerned me, the "missed call" was just the big red flag for me that it was on the way down. Apparently my gut was right, it's done. If everything else was normal and she didn't call me back once I would not think much of it by itself, really.

 

So I can relate where you are optimistic & think it’s headed in one direction but then it doesn’t. I'm still confused by a lot of things (I'm sure a lot of my actions didnt help) just as you are with women but this one I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I won't push the issue, he will call me back if/when he's ready too so you've only been on two dates with her but if you felt that strong of a connection then take the lead & then give her a chance to follow.

 

Yea I already did that yesterday with a simple and light text, got nothing back but a long delay and an excuse that didn't wow me at all lol. I replied back to that still light and jokingly and never got anything back since. Seeing as though we were suppose to go out again this week I would say this is all bad, I've already called it. If she comes around cool, I will have a completely different expectation from here on out anyway so I'll be safe. Honestly right now I seriously don't expect that to happen, and I'm ok with it. I'm still baffled at what happened and would like to know why, but I'll get over that too.

 

So hey, you live and you learn. All this will do is make me a little more cautious next time, make me not expect too much despite what I am seeing and hearing. I'll keep it tempered. Been led on before but never to this extent, I'll learn from it.

[CommitmentPhobe]

You will never find what your looking for if you throw in the towel after one missed call, from her or any girl for that matter. For all you know she could be thinking something similar & hesitant to call because of it.

 

What I'm saying is you don't know. Knowing will at least give you peace of mind versus trying to play out in your head what you think may/may not have happened. Im in a similiar situation except we were dating a little longer & I pulled back because I thought we we're headed towards becoming exclusive (which is what I wanted) but I didn't think he was ready.

 

So I can relate where you are optimistic & think it’s headed in one direction but then it doesn’t. I'm still confused by a lot of things (I'm sure a lot of my actions didnt help) just as you are with women but this one I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet. I won't push the issue, he will call me back if/when he's ready too so you've only been on two dates with her but if you felt that strong of a connection then take the lead & then give her a chance to follow.

 

 

I have to disagree, i think the guy is spot on in his analysis of the situation. If this woman was right for him she would have called back.

[LionLover]

I have to disagree, i think the guy is spot on in his analysis of the situation. If this woman was right for him she would have called back.

 

Well from what he initially posted I was under the assumption it was the one missed call after the two dates. I didn't know there were other factors such as they had agreed on plans to go out this week & he sent her a follow up text to the missed call, etc.

[Mako482]

This thread was written before she stopped calling or contacting in any form at all (this is significant too, no emails, texts, nothing), easier to feel something is wrong when you are living it I guess! When I wrote this I wanted to get some insight as to whether she was just not as interested as I thought, or if she was playing the game of making me want to chase her by limiting contact. It was not until a few days after that the contact flat out stopped, followed by me calling her and her telling me she would call me back, to nothing at all. Slowly went downhill since the 2nd date which I thought could not have gone ANY better. Not only did it end with a awesome kissing session, but I got feedback the next day as well without asking for it, "great time, let's get together again next week", that was her. We went from that to zilch, nada, nothing in a few days. I did not propose or give any hints of love, did not mention anything about a relationship or going exclusive, I just went with the flow. Then the contact stopped.

 

So nope, not just one missed call my friend. I just sent the text yesterday, got the short and less than stellar answer imo, and then followed yet again by nothing. I would love to think she is sitting at home thinking I am not interested and feeling scared to chase me, but I think I would be naive at this point to think that. So even though part of me is really wanting to call her just in case, I really want to maintain my dignity at this point.

[LionLover]

This thread was written before she stopped calling or contacting in any form at all (this is significant too, no emails, texts, nothing), easier to feel something is wrong when you are living it I guess! When I wrote this I wanted to get some insight as to whether she was just not as interested as I thought, or if she was playing the game of making me want to chase her by limiting contact. It was not until a few days after that the contact flat out stopped, followed by me calling her and her telling me she would call me back, to nothing at all. Slowly went downhill since the 2nd date which I thought could not have gone ANY better. Not only did it end with a awesome kissing session, but I got feedback the next day as well without asking for it, "great time, let's get together again next week", that was her. We went from that to zilch, nada, nothing in a few days. I did not propose or give any hints of love, did not mention anything about a relationship or going exclusive, I just went with the flow. Then the contact stopped.

 

So nope, not just one missed call my friend. I just sent the text yesterday, got the short and less than stellar answer imo, and then followed yet again by nothing. I would love to think she is sitting at home thinking I am not interested and feeling scared to chase me, but I think I would be naive at this point to think that. So even though part of me is really wanting to call her just in case, I really want to maintain my dignity at this point.

 

I understand. I wasn't aware of all the other stuff I thought it was just the one missed call thing when you originally posted. I shouldn't have been overly optimistic I was just going by what you first posted