If they're with someone else already -

[kizik]

- it says some things about them.

 

• They're uncomfortable being alone.
  
• Their self-esteem is low enough that they feel the need to use someone else to validate them.
  
• They have not taken the time to reflect on their mistakes in the R with you.
  
• Without said time for reflection, they are going to inevitably make the same mistakes and do harm to their new person.
  

It's been three months for me, guys and gals. And in the scheme of things, that's not very long. I do not know if my ex-girlfriend is with someone else right now, but I am guessing she is. Reasons?

• I was a rebound from her R before me
  
• The above traits perfectly describe her
  
• She hasn't called or contacted, which I take to mean that another guy is in the picture, so she no longer needs ME
  

Ultimately, those who take the time to learn, those who are patient and use this experience to GROW and become healthier people - those people are the winners. So please know that if they're with someone else already, yes, it hurts... but YOU are the one who is going to gain the most insight. Because YOU are rediscovering yourself, while THEY are merely continuing on the same pattern that is unhealthy and unfair to all those involved.

[selena_cat]

I feel like youre totally posting this to me, ThANKS!!!!!

Encouragement is very well needed, my feelin gis if they are with someone else then they are doing so much better thats not whay ther arent contacting who they dumped, but thats not the case,thanks to your insightful email. You,Me we are nto replaceable so let the ex have their fun messing with and messing up w/their new Mr.or mrs thing but there is this thing call Karma..i'm just too excited that there will br someon e out there and better for me, there will be for you too,i'm sure she's already here kIzic. many thanks

 

 

 

 

- it says some things about them.

 

• They're uncomfortable being alone.
  
• Their self-esteem is low enough that they feel the need to use someone else to validate them.
  
• They have not taken the time to reflect on their mistakes in the R with you.
  
• Without said time for reflection, they are going to inevitably make the same mistakes and do harm to their new person.
  

It's been three months for me, guys and gals. And in the scheme of things, that's not very long. I do not know if my ex-girlfriend is with someone else right now, but I am guessing she is. Reasons?

• I was a rebound from her R before me
  
• The above traits perfectly describe her
  
• She hasn't called or contacted, which I take to mean that another guy is in the picture, so she no longer needs ME
  

Ultimately, those who take the time to learn, those who are patient and use this experience to GROW and become healthier people - those people are the winners. So please know that if they're with someone else already, yes, it hurts... but YOU are the one who is going to gain the most insight. Because YOU are rediscovering yourself, while THEY are merely continuing on the same pattern that is unhealthy and unfair to all those involved.

[foxh1234]

- it says some things about them.

 

• They're uncomfortable being alone.
  
• Their self-esteem is low enough that they feel the need to use someone else to validate them.
  
• They have not taken the time to reflect on their mistakes in the R with you.
  
• Without said time for reflection, they are going to inevitably make the same mistakes and do harm to their new person.
  

It's been three months for me, guys and gals. And in the scheme of things, that's not very long. I do not know if my ex-girlfriend is with someone else right now, but I am guessing she is. Reasons?

• I was a rebound from her R before me
  
• The above traits perfectly describe her
  
• She hasn't called or contacted, which I take to mean that another guy is in the picture, so she no longer needs ME
  

Ultimately, those who take the time to learn, those who are patient and use this experience to GROW and become healthier people - those people are the winners. So please know that if they're with someone else already, yes, it hurts... but YOU are the one who is going to gain the most insight. Because YOU are rediscovering yourself, while THEY are merely continuing on the same pattern that is unhealthy and unfair to all those involved.

 

Well said Kiz. I have learned alot from all of this and I am sure she has learned nothing. She will continue to go from guy to guy and probably end up alone. I on the other hand will be just fine and hopefully find the woman of my dreams and ride off into the sunset.

[tealeafbud]

Thanks Kizik. Wonderful post. And yes, my ex meets all of those criteria. Sad, but true.

[wareagle]

Yep Kiz, I to was a rebound to her last x, now she is in a rebound to me in which she is pregnant and marrying this poor fool! I feel bad for this guy!

[replicator]

Well said Kizik... I don't know what is happening with her, but I will continue to grow and learn.

 

I sometimes fear that she will end up marrying this guy, and have all the things she wanted, while I will be alone.

 

I've been recycling a lot of feelings lately, but I see clearly now. It's painful, but what can you do.

[Art_Critic]

Are you saying that her seeing someone after 3 months is a sign there is something wrong with her ?

 

I don't think so.. each person has their own time frame on getting over and ex.. 3 months is plenty of time for a lot of people with good healthy self esteems with no issues..

There are people that need more than 3 months depending on the emotional investment and how invested they were in their ex..

 

If your ex was not invested emotionally in you then moving on isn't as hard and someone who is invested..

 

Kinda a to each his own. no rules kinda thing...

[nopainnogain]

Are you saying that her seeing someone after 3 months is a sign there is something wrong with her ?

 

I don't think so.. each person has their own time frame on getting over and ex.. 3 months is plenty of time for a lot of people with good healthy self esteems with no issues..

There are people that need more than 3 months depending on the emotional investment and how invested they were in their ex..

 

If your ex was not invested emotionally in you then moving on isn't as hard and someone who is invested..

 

Kinda a to each his own. no rules kinda thing...

 

 

well said:cool:

[replicator]

Are you saying that her seeing someone after 3 months is a sign there is something wrong with her ?

 

I don't think so.. each person has their own time frame on getting over and ex.. 3 months is plenty of time for a lot of people with good healthy self esteems with no issues..

There are people that need more than 3 months depending on the emotional investment and how invested they were in their ex..

 

If your ex was not invested emotionally in you then moving on isn't as hard and someone who is invested..

 

Kinda a to each his own. no rules kinda thing...

 

Perhaps it means nothing that they go off after a long term into someone elses arms.. but if you thought it was a good relationship, you need to make some sense of it.

 

My ex was selfish - she nearly destroyed my life.. I had invested so much, and all my future plans were tied to it.. Now I'm left with the pieces and trying to put things back together. When you promise someone loyalty and commitment, and you give your heart to another person, how can they just move on to someone else? In my case, it is a selfish cruel act. Border line on evil.

 

I've been through a lot in my life, and it was the first time I seriously considered ending it all. I told her I'd forgive her, but really in my heart, there is no room to forgive someone who can knowingly hurt and betray me like that.

[nopainnogain]

Just gotta play em before you get played. I learned the hard way too.

[kizik]

Are you saying that her seeing someone after 3 months is a sign there is something wrong with her ?

 

I don't know if she is seeing someone else or not. Something "wrong with her"? I don't need extra info to know that there is something wrong with her. All I have to do is look back to how she treated me.

 

3 months is plenty of time for a lot of people with good healthy self esteems with no issues..

 

This is true if the R was short (under a year). But we were in a 3 year R, and have known each other for 12 years. It is simply too soon to be with someone. Whether or not she loved me towards the end, we had more of a connection, and I treated her better, than anyone she could find in her little world.

 

It's like going from first class back to coach. Whatever she didn't like about me, she's not going to find all those things resolved in a new guy.

 

AC, your perspective is appreciated. I'm trying to feel better, though, so please just let me tell myself what I need to. I'm not being unrealistic - for the length of time, and depth, of what we had - 3 months is too soon. She is quite possibly one of these serial daters, and if you are trying to tell me that's normal or OK, you are simply wrong.

[Art_Critic]

AC, your perspective is appreciated. I'm trying to feel better, though, so please just let me tell myself what I need to. I'm not being unrealistic - for the length of time, and depth, of what we had - 3 months is too soon.

 

My first marriage was 5 years.. I was over her as soon as the ink was dry on the papers.. it did take me a couple of months to start dating again though..

Most of that time was resetting up a new house, moving.. that sort of stuff..

 

But the girl that brought me to LS I only dated a short while.. it took me a year to get over her because I was overly invested in her emotionally and she got over me very quickly because she wasn't invested..

 

I'm not saying that 3 months is too long for you.. you know yourself and how you feel..

You have said you were invested so it would be expected that 3 months might be too soon for you to move on...

 

But 3 months might very well be enough for her.. you don't know how she feels..

and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with her if she moves on after 3 months..

 

It also doesn't take away from the times you both shared or the love you shared..

Moving on to another is a part of life.. it happens..

 

Each person is different and each person is always on a different emotional level in a relationship..

[Crestfallen_KH]

Actually, AC, would you consider the possibility that you weren't as "ok" as you thought you were when your marriage ended? The fact that you were basically out of commission for a year over a short relationship where you were "overly invested emotionally" sort of tells me that you were looking to that relationship to help heal you, fix you, and/or restore your self-esteem.

 

I have no idea when that relationship began, but I'm not convinced that time plays the biggest role in healing - it's what you do with that time. And if you spend that time convinced you're "over it," you may find out that you're not.

 

Otherwise, how could a short relationship devastate you for so long?

 

Just an earnest question...

[Art_Critic]

Actually, AC, would you consider the possibility that you weren't as "ok" as you thought you were when your marriage ended? The fact that you were basically out of commission for a year over a short relationship where you were "overly invested emotionally" sort of tells me that you were looking to that relationship to help heal you, fix you, and/or restore your self-esteem.

 

I have no idea when that relationship began, but I'm not convinced that time plays the biggest role in healing - it's what you do with that time. And if you spend that time convinced you're "over it," you may find out that you're not.

 

Otherwise, how could a short relationship devastate you for so long?

 

Just an earnest question...

 

No.. I was in marriage counseling and IC for 2 years before the marriage ended.. My Exw was bipolar and unmedicated so my life was in constant turmoil...

I was over her the day the divorce was final..

I checked out emotionally in the marriage before the divorce happened.. as most people do in breakups.. it is only a shock to the one that is devastated.. but to the one who checked out they move on quickly..

 

I had probably 4 relationships before the girl that I over invested in brought me to LS.. one up to a year long.. and those were after the marriage..

 

The short relationship devastated me so deeply because I had just lost my Step Mother to cancer a few months before, a few months before that I lost my Dear Grandmother to old age, My dog of 16 years had also died in that same time..

I simply was tired of losing things in my life that I loved and fought the breakup..

[Crestfallen_KH]

Fair enough, Art. I'm sorry if my question dredged up painful memories.

[Art_Critic]

Fair enough, Art. I'm sorry if my question dredged up painful memories.

 

It's all cool..it's all part of growing up..

 

That is what brought me to seek LS and the rest is history.... I got over her and found the love of my life and she gave me the most wonderful cute little baby boy...

[Crestfallen_KH]

That's so wonderful, Art. You're one of my heroes here. I keep wondering if someday I'll find someone worthwhile enough to become my second husband and will know that kind of love again.

 

I'm really happy for you.

[Art_Critic]

That's so wonderful, Art. You're one of my heroes here. I keep wondering if someday I'll find someone worthwhile enough to become my second husband and will know that kind of love again.

 

I'm really happy for you.

Thanks

 

You will find someone.. trust me.

 

I firmly believe in my signature line...

 

~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~

 

It happened to me... and if something like that can happen to a guy like me ( just an average Joe ) then it can happen to anyone..

[kizik]

3 months might very well be enough for her.. you don't know how she feels..

and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with her if she moves on after 3 months..

 

It also doesn't take away from the times you both shared or the love you shared..

Moving on to another is a part of life.. it happens..

 

Each person is different and each person is always on a different emotional level in a relationship..

 

It's incredibly hard reconciling the fact that she didn't love me even close to the same amount I loved her.

 

Yeah she's probably over me. Yes she is probably dating someone new.

 

But all I could have done is to be stricter. Harder. Which would have just caused the breakup earlier.

 

Angel1111 sais it best when she said, "There's nothing you could have done." Nope - there wasn't. This woman may have loved me at one point, but she got so wrapped up in herself and her stresses about her job and money, and her parents, and whatever else... ultimately, HER perceptions, and NOT reality, became the most important thing of all.

 

Truth hurts. Some dick is in, or has been in, her p*ssy. Or will be soon. She will be singing some other man's praises. All undeserved. All in of the name of some elusive dream called 'love,' which she can never maintain anyways.

 

She's made me HATE myself. She has made me question myself. She had totally shattered everything I thought I was.

 

ArtCritic, if you knew my EXgirlfriend Rachel, you would know that even the best wasn't good enough. She let a good thing go in me. And while I am technically replaceable, I will tell you right now that if she wants someone else to take my place, she will have a disappointing time trying to find someone to bring the SOUL and UNIQUENESS I bring to things. She lost a kind of love that I have that is rare.

[Crazy.S]

To you it may seem soon but for the dumper it could be long enough already. They did the dumping so they could of been having these feelings long before the actual breakup. So for you it may seem like 3 months, for them it could have been a whole year. I am not saying this is true for everyone, but don't leave it out as a possibility.

[Peter_pan]

i agree with that. sad but true

[SweetTux]

Perhaps it means nothing that they go off after a long term into someone elses arms.. but if you thought it was a good relationship, you need to make some sense of it.

 

My ex was selfish - she nearly destroyed my life.. I had invested so much, and all my future plans were tied to it.. Now I'm left with the pieces and trying to put things back together. When you promise someone loyalty and commitment, and you give your heart to another person, how can they just move on to someone else? In my case, it is a selfish cruel act. Border line on evil.

 

I've been through a lot in my life, and it was the first time I seriously considered ending it all. I told her I'd forgive her, but really in my heart, there is no room to forgive someone who can knowingly hurt and betray me like that.

 

I am in the same boat as you.. I'm trying hard to pick up the pieces right now but it just hasn't come together yet... its going to be a while. Shes already with someone else and doesn't want to be friends cause she said shes really happy with who she is dating now and doesn't want me to complicate things... I really don't get it. Before she wanted to stay friends and everything but now its like I don't exist... and I gave her everything I could... now I gotta fix my life and my financial situation... thought she would be a good friend like i did helping her fix her situation... now she just found another guy right away to help her... sigh..

[Peter_pan]

the morel of that story is dont trust females

 

-hides for cover-

 

serious note, sorry to hear that man, that must suck. i was literally thinking "next time if they offer to be friends i will roll with that" but you have made me realise even that can happen and it still sucks

[orangehose]

My ex probably moved on immediately in some form or another. But I don't know that a time-out period of say, not dating for six months or something, would even help him. If he waited till he resolved his issues it might be a looooooong time before he could be in an R again.

[CaliGuy]

I would agree with most of this except in the case of many women they begin to emotionally pull away from a man weeks or months before they pull the trigger. So while they may be physically with you, mentally they're long gone.

 

That is why I think most women don't actually rebound but men do. Men are much less rational and tend to leave on a whim without that period of mental detachment.

 

Yes I do agree that a good majority of people who jump from relationship to relationship are rebounding but many still (at least women) have long detached themselves mentally before they pulled the trigger.