I'm so stupid

[mistresswchildren]

So, here I am. I've been NC for months. I've been trying to move on with my life, and up until now, I have been trying to forget about this guy. Now, what has changed? I guess it is the fact that I KNOW it is over. It hurts so badly. I guess in reality we all think it will work out for us. In reality, I'm not sure how much I did NC for my own mental health. I think I did it to test him. I reveled in the fact that he kept e-mailing me. I kept thinking that if I just stick this out he is going to leave his wife and we will be together with our children.

Look, I know it is sick. I know that I shouldn't want him back EVER. I know that I should be glad to get him out of my life. I think now, I just need a little time to mourn the relationship. I know it is over (I've known that for a while), but he still hasn't SAID that it is over. What happens when his wife can't be all that he wants? What happens when he gets bored again? Will he come back looking for me and his illegitimate children? I hope that he just goes and finds someone else (well not really considering someone else will have to deal with him), but I'm afraid he will come back to me. My real fear is that I'm afraid I would take him back.

I realize this all sounds completely horrible. He has no redeeming qualities. There is nothing about him that I should want, and yet somehow, I always back down when I am faced with him. I know that he would be a horrible father. It speaks volumes that I would never trust him alone with my children. Then why??? I know it is an addiction, but it is one that I cannot kick. I cannot stop feeling for him in some way. I don't understand it, and it is making me sick. I loathe myself for allowing this man into my life. I think that I am probably worse than him. How did I get this weak? How did I let myself make these horrible decisions? I don't think I can ever understand it. I just want the hurt to go away. I guess I'll try to talk later because right now I cannot see through my tears to type.

[silktricks]

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!!!

 

You are not a bad person, so stop telling yourself you are. You are a good Mom.

 

For some reason this guy has hooked you but good, but you do NOT need to stay hooked. You can cleanse him out of your life and are making good steps towards that goal.

 

DON'T tell yourself you are no good.

DON'T tell yourself you are a failure.

DON'T tell yourself you are worse than him.

DON'T tell yourself you would take him back if he wants you to.

 

If you say bad things to yourself, you come to believe them, and then you make them come true. So stop it!!!

 

hugs

[GreenEyedLady]

I KNOW it is over. It hurts so badly. I guess in reality we all think it will work out for us. I think I did it to test him. I reveled in the fact that he kept e-mailing me. I kept thinking that if I just stick this out he is going to leave his wife and we will be together with our children.

 

I think now, I just need a little time to mourn the relationship. I know it is over (I've known that for a while), but he still hasn't SAID that it is over.

 

What happens when his wife can't be all that he wants? What happens when he gets bored again? Will he come back looking for me and his illegitimate children?

but I'm afraid he will come back to me. My real fear is that I'm afraid I would take him back.

 

He has no redeeming qualities. There is nothing about him that I should want, and yet somehow, I always back down when I am faced with him. I know that he would be a horrible father.

 

I loathe myself for allowing this man into my life. I think that I am probably worse than him. How did I get this weak? How did I let myself make these horrible decisions?

 

MWC,

 

It hurts when you lose someone you love. It is like a death and it is: the death of a R. You need to mourn it as being over. Not until he leaves his W, but mourn it because it is gone. Or you will never be able to move on. You won't be able to enjoy dating and until you've buried the R so to speak, you won't be able to find happiness with someone else.

 

NC for whatever reason is NC. At least you have detached yourself somewhat and are used to being without him. You have the satisfaction of knowing that he cared about you in his own capacity but he cannot give you what you or your children need.

 

You say it is over. You are the one in the driver's seat. He doesn't need to say anything. You decide.

 

What happens between him and his W now is not your concern. You need to forgive yourself, him and put this in the past. This was your past. This is the present. Learn to live in it.

 

You love him so it doesn't matter what his qualities are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. See him for what he is. Not what you want him to be.

 

You must stop the self-loathing, it's not helping you move forward. You are human. You made a bad decision. Everyone makes bad decisions. Now make good decisions. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You have two little ones that you are the world to. Move forward. Make the best life you can for the three of you.

 

Let XMM deal with what his life has become. He is broken. You do not want him unless he is whole.

 

(((STRENGTH)))

[SeaBrooke]

I don't know your entire story, but I don't have to inorder to know you are in a lot of emotional pain. I am sorry if in a previous thread in regards to the custody of the children and telling his wife that he continues to contact if I came off as unsensitve. If I had, I promise you it was not my intention. Your going to get through this, you and your kids will be okay.

 

Try to have faith in yourself, and abilities. Because you are courageous and a good person. Each day that passes, you are getting closer to having this all settled out. You have love in your life, and there are a lot of people here too who care about you. Your children need you and love you... They always will.

 

It's okay to cry, when we cry, we actually release chemicals in our bodies and it is cleansing. That's why often times people feel that release after tears. It calms us.

 

I wish I knew the right things to say to bring you peace, because you are suffering so much.

 

Hugs, and try to be gentle and easy on yourself.

[GPFan]

You are far from stupid. I know this from your short time posting here. My guess is that this current situation is a proxy for unresolved childhood trauma.

 

It might be an idea to look to the past.

[mistresswchildren]

I appreciate the kind words, but I have no one to blame for this situation except myself. Even when I KNEW he was lying, I held on. Now, I have made it so that my children don't even have a father. What kind of mother am I? If I was going to have children with someone, it shouldn't have been him, and I know it shouldn't have been. I should have turned away from him, and I tried. I tried in the beginning. I don't know why on earth it escalated to the point that it did. My children will never know what it is like to have a father because their father doesn't care about them. He uses them as leverage. If he doesn't like what I have to say, he threatens custody issues.

I CHOSE this for myself, and by doing so I chose this for my children as well. They had no choice in it. They are innocent bystanders, and now they will be hurt by this. I don't care what anyone says, I know that children without fathers are marred by that fact. I cannot even look my beautiful children in the face without welling up because I know what I've done to them. They will forever be fatherless. They will never know what it is to have a father. Yes, I agree that it is better for them to not have a father than to have a father such as this man, but I should have done things differently so that he hadn't been their father. They deserve someone else, and sometimes I think they deserve a better mother. If I am going to make horrible decisions such as this, who's to say that I won't make horrible decisions for the rest of their lives? When does it end? When do I know that I won't scar them by another one of my stupid decisions?

[GPFan]

OK, you are just beating yourself up now. Instead of beating yourself up, how about a bit of introspection? Being down on yourself isn't going to help!

 

Who says your children will be forever fatherless besides you? Let the future unfold, it may unfold in a manner that will have you thanking your lucky stars you took the path you did.

[SeaBrooke]

MWC,

 

In hindsight, things always seem so different then when we are in the thick of it. I am 46 yo and my childrens father more or less abandoned them when they were like 10 and 12 for a period of years. I was all they had, and the kids had many questions and hurts to heal. They felt wicked rejection. They are both older now, 19 and 21. I tell you this because, I have such an amazing bond with my children. We've been thorugh it all together, thick and thin. Oh, I cried so many times in the shower so they wouldn't see or hear me. Sometimes I would at night when I was in bed.

 

I was angry he rejected his own kids, it was for another woman.

 

I know you are very sad right now, and it's a process to go through all the healing you have to do, it's going to take time.

 

But you have a bright side here too... You have a chance to raise children, and know a life with them filled with joy and closeness. Help them find the opportunities in life waiting for them.

 

That's the mindset that kept me going, that and basic faith in the good in life. I believe you are the perfect mother for your babies. I don't believe it is by accident that we are born to whom we are born to.

 

For their journey in life MWC, you are thier perfect leader. Have faith in yourself. WE all of us make mistakes in life. No body is exempt from mistales. That's why we are human.

 

Hugs to you.

[mistresswchildren]

Ever feel like you just can't breathe? Ever feel like every breath you take is excruciatingly painful? That's where I am now. I keep posting because I don't want to keep crying. I didn't think that I would have enough tears to keep crying, but they keep coming. What is really messed up is that I knew this was coming. I knew it. It isn't a surprise. It isn't like a slap in the face, but it hurts like it is the end of the world. I just keep going over all the mistakes that I have made, and now I know I'm afraid to really live life. I am too afraid that I'm going to keep screwing up, and it isn't about me anymore. It is about the kids. When my mistakes were my own, it didn't matter to me. I took life by the horns. Now, I don't want to make any decision. I sat and cried in front of the fridge worried that I was going to feed my kids the wrong type of food. Every decision I make affects them, and it scares me to death.

I know there will be many of you who tell me to seek counseling and all that jazz. Problem with that is, I've done it. It doesn't help. The counselors even told me that. They told me it is all about changing the behavior because I already know what issues I have. We worked on it. The behavior never changed, and I swear to you that I tried. I worked on it. I did journals. I did workbooks. I've done everything. Nothing helps. So, what do you tell a person when there is no help for them?

[whichwayisup]

So, what do you tell a person when there is no help for them?

 

Don't give up.

You may not have talked to the right kind of therapist, well, they helped you to a certain point - But now you need to talk to someone who specializes IN behavioural therapy. CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy. Google it! Not only does it help those with anxiety, depression etc, but anyone who needs to change their thinking patterns, from negative into positive, and also the T can help you work on your self esteem, get you back to where you should be.

 

Please stop beating up on yourself, it serves NO purpose for you to do that!

[NoIDidn't]

Oh MWC

 

((((((MWC))))))

 

 

You don't know how strong and insightful you are. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom even if you don't think so right now.

 

I know you are hurting. Its okay to let yourself feel that pain too. In order to feel better, you will have to work your way through it.

 

No one is born into perfect circumstances. No one. Don't beat yourself up. Don't start listening to the negative voices. You are not beyond help. You just need to take things one day at a time.

 

One day at a time.

 

(((((MWC)))))

[KATANYA]

MWC you have to listen to what people here are saying and stop beating yourself to death other some poor choices in men.....God knows we all make them!!!

 

If my person and my character were defined by my choice in men, I guess I'd be locked up by now as being a threat to society!!!!!!!!:lmao: Come on girl....time to ease up a bit!!!! Take the good (and yes there has been good) out of this situation. You were MEANT and I do mean MEANT to have those two children!!! You were MEANT to be their Mother. Good things have come from this bad situation-even nice memories the two of you may have shared. TAKE OUT THE GOOD AND THROW OUT THE BAD!!!!!

 

Quite honestly I don't believe there is such a thing as "mistakes' in life and I do believe everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.......sometimes the challenge is trying to understand the reason and that may take years or never happen but in the meantime we can't stop living, loving and learning. Life is way too short to give this bad situation any more of your precious time, energy and tears.

 

As far as your children...you say they will never know what it is like to have a father. Well, I couldn't disagree with you more!!!! My children have no father but they have AMAZING father figures in their lives that add SOOOOOO much to their little worlds. I and they get to PICK the father figures in their lives and they are people who are stable, secure, honest and genuinely who WANT to be part of their lives. If I ever find another man that I would want to share my life with 100% (which is highly unlikely but could happen!!) I'd make sure first and foremost that he would be an AWESOME father figure.......because my children deserve to be surrounded only by people that truly love, respect and nurture them.

 

You will get through this...you just have to decide your ready to try. Baby steps Girlfriend,......baby steps!!!!!!!

 

 

((((HUGS))))

[crystal_lostheart]

MWC - so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I still have not left my MM but am getting to the point where I belive that I need to for my own health and happiness.

 

What you are going through sounds like part of the process of healing but I guess you need to give yourself that time to heal and absolute NC would be best. I am no expert here at all it's just what I think might be best.

 

I think you are incredibly strong, going through all of this whilst being a great mom. Surround yourself with people that can give you that ongoing support and love that you need right now. I wish you all the very best and hope it works out for you the best way possible.

 

Hugs

[astra77]

((((((((((((((((((((((((H U G S )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

MWC - you helped me in my time of need, you helped me - along with other p here to see the light. You must know how special you are. Maybe not to xmm, but to me and other p on LS.

 

How long it takes to heal is anyones guess - i wish i had a crystal ball sometimes.

 

One thing i have learnt, you have good days and bad, they come and go, the trick? aim for more good than bad.

 

Dont question your worth, you are worth something to me and i dont even know you personally, so you must be worth MORE to you kids, siblings, parents friends etc.

 

Stay strong, and you know what, love yourself. You made some bad choices and jumped off track, that doesnt mean you are a bad person. You messed up, as long as you fix it, things will turn around

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((H U G S )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mistresswchildren]

Thank you all so much. The day that I posted this, I put the kids to bed and had some time to myself. In that time, I cried. I cried so hard that I couldn't see straight. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I cried so hard that I ended up with a horrible headache. Then, I cried some more. I cried for 7 hours straight. I cried for the loss of this relationship. I cried for the "loss" of a father for my children. I cried because I no longer have the chance to do this whole relationship thing "right." I will never meet a guy, fall in love, get married, THEN have children. I have already had my children, so whatever relationship I fall into next will not be the "fairy tale." I'm not saying that it can't be good, I'm just saying that it wasn't done to the "fairy tale" standards.

 

I woke up the next morning, and I felt so much better. I think that I had been holding it all in for so long. Whenever I felt like crying before I would stop myself because of the children. I just never let myself truly cry. It was a phenomenal thing really. I did something that I have probably needed to do for a really long time. I didn't have anyone to lean on, and I actually find that was a good thing. I had to be alone with myself. I had to deal with me. I didn't have any other choice. It's amazing what you find out about yourself when you spend some time alone.

 

I know that my self esteem is gone for now. I know that I need to work on that. I know that I am not a horrible person, but I have made some very severe mistakes in my life. I know that I have some major issues with men, and for now I'm actually okay with that. I would prefer to be extremely cautious because of the children. There will never be a man in my life that I won't be sizing up for the role of "Daddy." These are high standards to meet, but my children deserve the best, and just maybe, I do too. If my standards had been this high before, none of this would have happened, but hindsight will not help here.

 

I will figure this all out someday. At some point in time, I will look back on all of this as a learning experience, and a miracle in some ways. I have the two most miraculous children on the face of the planet, and they are all mine. No one else can hurt them. I am so scared to hurt them that the likelihood of it happening is hopefully less. My parents were not aware that they were hurting us, but because of my childhood experiences, I come into motherhood armed and ready. I will make my own mistakes, but I won't repeat those of my parents. I will also never take these beautiful gifts for granted. I will look at them every day and know that I have been blessed for some reason or another.

[GPFan]

Fabulous, just fabulous.

 

The entire episode, the realisations, the healing, learning and growing evidenced by your words.

 

Goodonya

[astra77]

Beautiful. Just Beautiful everyone

[mistresswchildren]

Trying to get my affairs in order. Today I put together a journal in the event that this jerk goes for some sort of custody. Once I got it finished, I realized that this man had been with his son for a total of 39 days in his ENTIRE life. I figured it out. My son is two and half. That means that he has been there for just over 4% of my son's life. WOW!! I really was just putting it together to prepare myself for the possibility of court. Now that I have done so, I realize what a real scum bag he was. Mind you all of those 39 days were because of my ability to give in a go see him. He never made the effort to come see us. I'm not sure what to make of all of this, but it definitely makes me angry.

 

I think what is getting to me now is that he viewed everything I said as a threat. He thought that when I told him I was going to the military if he didn't take care of his children that I was threatening his career. What other choice did I have? It wasn't vindictive. I wasn't trying to ruin his career. I was trying to get him to take care of all of this while he was in Iraq since you cannot bring someone to court when they are overseas. Guess what, it worked too. He wasn't taking care of things. I told him that I would say something to the Army. He took care of it. When he didn't do anything, I would tell the Army something, and they got on his case, and he took care of it. These were no threats. I wasn't angry about our relationship. I was angry because of his inability to take responsibility for his children. That's it. How do the rest of you see it? I would like to know an objective 3rd party stance on all of this.

[mistresswchildren]

It sounds like the tone of an ex who expects to eventually get back with her ex in the future.

 

Why do you care what he think? You're just doing what you can to get his financial support. It's almost like you're reasoning with the unreasonble.

 

Why is he refusing to provide support, when he can do so, to his own blood?

 

It's not about hoping we get back together. What I want to know is what other people will see it as. If he tries to stand up in court to say that I was blackmailing him, I want to know that everyone else sees what I see. I need to know that other people view it the same way I do. Yes, I was usually angry when I went to the military about him, but not because he wasn't going to be with me. I was angry because he would tell me it was getting taken care of, then he would disappear for months at a time. How was I to know what was going on? How could I possibly know that he was still going to take care of what he said? I realize that I am rationalizing for myself, but I need to know that other rational people see it as a last resort. It is not like I wanted him to lose his career because then there would be NO child support whatsoever. I just couldn't wait the year for him to get back to the states so that I could take him to court. He views it as blackmail. I view it as I was trying to take care of my kids.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My children will never know what it is like to have a father because their father doesn't care about them.

 

With a father like that, consider it a blessing. Your children will see that one day, when it becomes apparent that you are the sun in their solar system - the mother AND the father. Children often have this starry eyed fairy tale view of the absentee parent (I know - I had a similar view of my own absentee mother), but when they are older they see that they weren't missing the parent - they actually dodged a bullet by not having that parent around.

 

They will know him as 'father', but lets hope they never get it in their mind to see him as 'daddy'. He doesn't sound like a 'daddy' that any kid needs in their life.

 

You can provide emotionally for these kids, and let him choke up the financial end of the deal. Consider him a check in the mail, and no more. If he sees it as blackmail, then fine. Its blackmail. Whatever you call it - its called taking responsibility for your duties. He'll do it or he'll find himself in jail. If he gives you enough guff about it or suddenly tries to become 'father of the year' and take custody out of spite, petition for him signing off his parental rights. No support is better than begrudging support that will interfere with your children's emotional health.

 

When your kids are older they can sort this out for themselves. In the meantime, love those babies with the same ferocity that you are finding yourself hating this MM. Your children will be no less better people for it and will turn out just fine.

[NoIDidn't]

MWC

 

I had a couple of moments like that in my lifetime. AND I had to forget about the fairytale too. I never thought that infidelity on the part of my H would affect my marriage (hint, hint ). So I know of that kind of crying.

 

And, like yours, it was cleansing. I'm so glad you are feeling better. So glad you got that out of your system and are armed and ready for the next events in your life.

 

You will look back many times over their lifetime and be glad that you have your children.

 

Concerning contacting the Army and ruining his career (according to him), I don't agree. I also don't think you sound like you hope to have a future with him someday. It just sounds like you at least expect him to man up and take care of his/your children. He is going to have difficulty with that. And eventually his career will be affected - but whose fault is that? His. Let him deal with it. Not vindictively. Just, period. Let him know what you need. Give him a timeline to get it done in within reason and what will happen if its not done in that time. But he is the one that is going to have to step up here, not you.

[Mimolicious]

Hello everyone... I am an old user and I see that some are still sitting in that dark room with all that pain. Mistress... sorry to hear that you are still puzzled and missing out on life. Life is great but you have to make it that way!!! cant sit there and waste it, because you only get to do it once! I will pray for you to find strenght to move on. Good luck!

[nadiaj2727]

MWC,

Sometimes I think we have to mourn our past and hate the person that we *were* when we made all of these terrible choices before we can really understand the devastation of our actions. Only then can we go on to embrace our NOW and our future that awaits us now that we have started being strong, independent women who make the right choices and do the right thing for ourselves (and our children). I believe that for you, this is the darkest time and very soon things will start to get better for you. I have been there and I recognize it. I think you are a great person, I admire you, and I hope you can start seeing the awesomeness in you that everyone else see, and start forgiving yourself.

 

It would have been so much easier for you to remain with xOM because you have such ties (time invested, children) with him. But you took the RIGHT way out which is very often the hardest way. Good for you. I believe in you! Believe in yourself darling.