What to say and do - Not to say and do - Lots of replies

[nowhereman82]

My ex and I have been seperated for 2 months after a 5 year relationship. We had one of the most awkward surreal break ups ever. There was no closure. We've had a few email convo's but that's about it.

 

With this time separated it has given me plenty to think on what was some of our weak points as a couple. And what would make it strong.

 

I would like to "court" her, living seperate and as individuals....To see if there is something there and the practice these skills without risk of getting comfortable and lapsing.

 

I know obviously not to bring up the past and should leave it to her. But not sure if ignoring it might cause her to have questions.

 

So my question to the community here.....

 

1) What's the best way to initialize meeting up. She doesn't have any of my belongings nor anything she might want from me.

 

2) The first time meeting, beyond a hug if that...should I try physical contact to see how she responds.

 

3) Conversation.....I thinking it's best to keep the first meeting short, like 30 minutes so things don't have a chance to die down. What do you think? Think I should play catch up and talk about what I have been doing or keep it to books I have read, etc.

 

4) She already knows that I wish to try....so my trying to meet her will be an indicator to her. So her meeting with me if she does would be a small good sign..if she meets me the first time and she is willing to meet a 2nd time...any suggestions?

 

5) Is there a question I am missing? Feel free to provide the Q& A

 

Hopefully some of you have gone through this before and have some insight. Really hope that I get some strong responses as this is important to me and by reading other post when we first separated I was able to heal much faster.

 

Thanks in advance!

[foxh1234]

My ex and I have been seperated for 2 months after a 5 year relationship. We had one of the most awkward surreal break ups ever. There was no closure. We've had a few email convo's but that's about it.

 

With this time separated it has given me plenty to think on what was some of our weak points as a couple. And what would make it strong.

 

I would like to "court" her, living seperate and as individuals....To see if there is something there and the practice these skills without risk of getting comfortable and lapsing.

 

I know obviously not to bring up the past and should leave it to her. But not sure if ignoring it might cause her to have questions.

 

So my question to the community here.....

 

1) What's the best way to initialize meeting up. She doesn't have any of my belongings nor anything she might want from me.

 

2) The first time meeting, beyond a hug if that...should I try physical contact to see how she responds.

 

3) Conversation.....I thinking it's best to keep the first meeting short, like 30 minutes so things don't have a chance to die down. What do you think? Think I should play catch up and talk about what I have been doing or keep it to books I have read, etc.

 

4) She already knows that I wish to try....so my trying to meet her will be an indicator to her. So her meeting with me if she does would be a small good sign..if she meets me the first time and she is willing to meet a 2nd time...any suggestions?

 

5) Is there a question I am missing? Feel free to provide the Q& A

 

Hopefully some of you have gone through this before and have some insight. Really hope that I get some strong responses as this is important to me and by reading other post when we first separated I was able to heal much faster.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

Hi, I think this is quite simple really. Just contact her and be 100% honest about what you want. Tell her that you want to try dating again and you want to take it real slow and see if there are still feelings there. That way she knows exactly what you want, no games, no crap. If she wants to, great, if she doesn't, you go NC and wish her luck and move on. One way or the other, you will know where you both are at. Good Luck

[nowhereman82]

So the immediate response I received about rekindling things was about as expected but I don't feel I was completely shut out.

 

I had told her that I don't want to go the rest of my life wondering if I should have tried or just let it go. And let her know that I would like to do that at some point.

 

Her response: "honestly, I don't think it would be fair of me to let you because i don't think my whole heart would be in it the way yours would"

 

We had a convo afterwards and my feeling I got from the convo was not now...but not necessarily never.

 

So I guess I will step back. Keep infrequent friendly contact and wait for a sign. I will also not bring up the past or getting back together or trying.

 

She seemed shocked in a positive way about what I have been up to and my thoughts.

 

So in a way I feel I've done what I can for now in a tasteful manner. I will follow the advice I've read on the forums and continue to work on myself and let things come as they will.

 

You can't force things to go the way you want them to...but you can live in a manner that will guide you to what you want!

[torranceshipman]

She was letting you down gently, sweetie...she isn't interested in being with you and she's already moving on. She said that her 'whole heart wasnt in it' because she wanted a nice way of saying she doesn't want to be with you romantically again - she obviously cares enough about you not to hurt your feelings any more than she has to.

 

Waiting for a sign and thinking 'someday' will only set your recovery from this break up back 100% - you need to move on completely to heal. Please dont wait for a sign as it'll make you miserable! She's moved on and you should too - maybe NC would be a good idea. Good luck with everything.

[nowhereman82]

I agree.

 

It's hard for me to take at face value due to details that are too convoluted to get into.

 

Problem will be solved soon enough, I will either be moving or she will be going to med school.