Maybe someone can shed some light...

[confused11]

Hi...I'm new...I've been reading all these threads and it makes me feel a little better that I am not alone. This guy and I have tried to be friends and only friends for about 9 months now...hasn't worked....so we never officially dated but were never anything serious. We werent friends with benefits either because our physical relationship was very limited and very random (not like drunk random where we hook up when we've been drinking). I would say that we coudln't do this because it would mess up our friendship. If we couldn't take it anywhere we weren't gonna be physical with eachother. When we had met originally we dated, great but too much too fast, we both weren't looking for anything and talked that we'd just be friends. About a month after that convo, we started to hang out more and were always together, all the time doing everything. I slept over all the time, we watched movies, made dinner, went out with friends, etc. I was careful not to smother him and at first it wasn't every night but then it bacame that. However, he still didn't want a relationship because he is in the military and doesn't know where that will leave because when he gets out he doesn;t know what he wants to do. SO I said ok...then we have to stop this before it goes too far, go out hook up with someone else tell me about I'll do the same and we'll just push through that weird part cuz if we're not dating anyone else but continue doing what we do, it's gonna end bad for one of us. Wel he said no, he's not gonna do that cuz I told him to. We both had plans and left. He called me back telling me the same thing, that he really like me but just doesn't have time for a relationship. That talk didn't do much cuz a few days later we did hook up again. The next day he left for a trip and i went on a date and he didn't like that he was telling me he wanted more...to "see where this went" and I thought finally about time because we can't be just friends, he came back and said it's not what he wants but doesn't want to lose me as a friend because he "cares" about me. I told him we tried the friends thing, it doesn't work and you don't want to take it any farther so the best thing is for us just to cut it off. It is a cycle that needs to be broken. So I did the NC with him. I found out he was imediately dating someone else...that pissed me off cuz I felt like he brushed me off for this new girl. (prob did) So I wanted nothing to do with him but he kept coming around trying to see how I was doing and I made no time for him. I started dating someone else. We were on our separate paths for a few weeks but he was always popping up with my firends at my house I was "unavailable" finally he said to mehe wanted to try this again. I told him you are only coming back because you can't have me. He pulled the whole I've missed you so much, I really care about you, I want to see where this goes I don't want to lose you.. I told him they were only words and that I can't believe what he says...plus he was going away for a few months so he just wanted someone here to talk to....so for the week before he left he was trying to make things right with me and I told him it's your actions that show me you're changing not words so go away and maybe we can talk when you get back. Well everyday away he called me and texted me all day long, his actions were definitely backing up his words and I started to fall into it again. I kept thinking to myself though, hes away so it'll matter when he gets back...he got back and at first it was weird because in person we were never affectionate with each other....I always wanted to be but I never wanted him to think he had me so I tried to play it cool and nonchalant (yeah that did a lot of good lol). When he got back I just wanted to just shower him with it but didn't want too much too soon....we had this great affectionate phone relationship but in person i didn't know how to do what I wanted (I am just a cautious person and always hold back) so I wasn't sure how much time to give it to change but knew I was falling for him so I waited 2 days and brought it up...and he said that he means what he said when he was away but something is missing...he thought hed be able to figure it out away so that he can come back and be with me but something just isn't there yet and he wants to keep trying for it cuz he doesn't want to lose me....he didn't know if it was with me or with him. So we went out that night and our behaviour with eachother was a very nice result from the talk...but then again that night I got mad at something (drinking, not the smartest thing i know) and brought it up again...we got into an arguement (the first one we have ever gotten in, ever we have never fought before) I told him I wasn't here at his convenience for when he wanted someone....that if he doesn't want anything then tell me don't waste my time but he contiuned to say he didnt want to lose me he wants this to go somewhere but didn't know how to do it...so I told him if he wanted to keep trying this (and he said he did) then he need to ask me to stay....he couldn't do that, he was going to go home for the weekend and gonna think I told him ok...but if you come back, and this is something you're gonna walk away from, then don't call me...we went barely nc the whole weekend and he came back called me but the minute I answered the phone I knew why. He came over and said a bunch of crap...he said that right now he doesn't want a relationship, that he doesn't know what's gonna happen, he doesn't want to hurt me that if we got together it's either go big or go home with me and that if it were to end then it would be his doing, it's not that he doesn't care about me he does, he really likes me but he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to string me along, that he needs to make himself happy before he can make someone else happy, he doesn't have his life figured out and that he doesn't want to end up like him friends that finished school and have no plans for their lives, that there are certain things he wants in order before he gets into a relationship...that he knows this is going to be a mistake that one day he'll wake up and wanna shoot himself for letting me go but right now he knows he can't give me what I want, need, or deserve...blah blah blah but WANTS TO BE FRIENDS I told him no...we can't because the same thing will happen again, he said no he will stick to it, I said yeah I heard that before, i told him we tried the friends thing he messed it up and we whenever we are about to try the more than friends thing he messes it up too he said I know Im being selfish so I told him why would I want to be firends with someone who can only think of themselves...he said whats wrong with being friends can't we just try it and if it doesn't work then we won't be I said how could you even ask me to try something I know won't work when you won't. I told him I don't think we should talk for a while, he was going away for a month and agreed so we parted him saying he'll call me when he gets back and I said don't I wont answer...I'm disappointed...this feels like a course that needs to run but he keeps stopoing it and starting it all over. At first I believed his words then I though they were his way of saying "it's not you it's me" but really meaning "it's not me it's you" I just don't get it. 4 months of trying to convince me he wanted to give this a shot only to give up? I also feel like there was soo much pressure to be something and that maybe I pushed it by bringing it up too much...I was just afraid to let go and get hurt. So I know he'll call in a few weeks...I just know I can't be his friend cuz I want more and that since we've never tried to be more (I never let go and acted on how I felt but rather than held back) it'll always be the same cycle. I don't know how to feel really or what to even think. As I write this and read it I feel foolish like maybe the signs that he didn't really care were always in front of me and I just didn't want to see them. Even if he came back (which yeah part of me kinda still wish he does) how would I even trust him that this time was for good. I told him it seemed like he wasn't looking for a g/f he was looking for a wife. I mean there is soo much more but it's just too much to write. So.....any ideas anyone?? What is going on in his head...it seems like he wants to keep me here for when he is ready for something serious but I won't let him treat me like a doormat....(oh yeah...does the fact that we haven't gone all the way impact this situation at all? I pretty sure that he's gotten the notion that he could just sleep with me and be out the next day has been out of his mind for the last 7 months, he does know me better than that) That and whenever he hangs out with this guy I've never met, he comes back saying he just wants to be friends...he like emulates this guys life or something....like he's on this path to success and happiness and wants to plan his life accordingly...that's just my speculation...but I swear it was deja vu...same convo for the second time the very next day after he hangs out with this guy...I know I'm grasping as reasons...maybe a little third party perspective will help clarify things...Maybe I was too available but I just always wanted to be with him most of the time I agreed to hang out. Here are my questions, will/when he come back, if so could it ever work? How will I know he's serious this time. He's not a bad person or what you would call a player type...he dates girls and loses interest...I know that aside from two serious relationships he has had (about a year each) I am the only girl that has been in his life this long and I knwo he doesn't want to let me leave, he just doesn't want to give me what I want...I'll stop now sorry this is soo long

[Shygirl15]

I wish I could help but that's way too long, no paragraphs, nothing. Make it so difficult to read really.

[lovestruck818]

I wish I could help but that's way too long, no paragraphs, nothing. Make it so difficult to read really.

 

ay chihuahua yeah lol...we really like punctuation and capitalization on this board...please, OP!

[HopeDiesLast]

Confused11- im gonna answer your question with your own response i copied and pasted from another thread:

It happens...I try to look for excuses all the time to call...legit ones but then I ask myself what will it do for me? Nothing. It's not going to change the situation. If he wants me back it has to come from him and not me prompting him. 9 days NC and counting. The thing is that sometimes, for no real reason, people just realize that it's just not meant to be. He's doing you a favor though. He knows he can't give you what you truly want and deserve so he let you go. He wasn't happy in it. He could've kept stringing you along and got quick fixes behind your back.

 

I think in this situation he was doing it for both of you. He set you free so that when you are ready you can find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and he's trying to make himself happy. If he stayed in for you but was really unhappy on the inside, would you want that? When you love someone, the hardest thing to do is let them go.

 

In a previous relationship, I've been to the place where I begged and pleaded and cried and that got me what I wanted for the moment but it never changed the relationship's core problem...that we just weren't meant to be. Yes I loved him but I knew in my heart it was over. Then when I ended it ( I never thought I would) he begged and pleaded with me and even threw back at me that he stayed so I owed him. It was so tough but at the end you are responsible for your own happiness. As bad as I felt, as much as I wished I still felt the same, I had to walk away. He had never put me first and I knew he never would. Did I always want to be second to something and the answer was no.

 

Sometimes it takes more strength to walk away, than it does to keep working at something that wasn't going to work. Maybe I'm just completely wrong too. Maybe just a little time apart will help.

[HopeDiesLast]

You are so right. he has never put me first. i refuse to be second. but im dying inside!!!!!!!