Do I just let this go? I don't think I can.

[Eyeofthoth]

I was in a relationship with a guy I really, really loved for over 1 1/2 years. When the relationship began, I was legally separated from my ex-husband following a long term marriage. Everything with the new relationship was wonderful for quite a while. I loved him and he loved me. It was all good. Unfortunately, during the last 2-3 months of the relationship my divorce became somewhat ugly and a lot of drama began to rear it's ugly head regarding my kids, custody, etc. I leaned very heavily on the BF and I could tell it was stressing him, but I did not realize how much.

 

During this time period, his former fiance, who he had many times declared a dead issue, came back into his life, wanting a second chance. That had been a drama filled, repetitive break-up relationship, and I was shocked and appalled that he would even consider revisiting it. On the other hand, I can see how our relationship had become drama-filled and unpleasant, and that drama was not even about him.

 

He went through an agonizing decision of whether or not to see her again or to stick with what we were building. He said I was his best friend. He did not want to lose the relationship. Still, after two weeks, he decided he had to go back and make sure that things were really over with the ex. He felt too much as though that was an unfinished chapter. He said he wanted to stay friends and support me through what I was going through. I was so sad that he seemed to feel that I only needed him to do things for me and to support me through the divorce. He said he didn't feel as though I really loved him, and I realized then that I had been ignoring our relationship and putting all my energy into sorting out the awful custody problems.

 

Well, that was two months ago. I have only spoken to him a couple of times since and the last time was a month ago. As of three weeks after the breakup he was back with the ex. I don't know how it's going because I have not asked.

 

I want him back. This seems a little crazy because he abandoned me for someone he swore he was over, but I think it is just as much my fault as his that the abandonment occurred.

 

Everything is all calmed down with the divorce again, and this time I think it will stay calm. I just miss him terribly. I have tried really hard not to think about him, and have even gone on a few dates with other guys to try to put the breakup out of my mind, but it all seems wrong to me.

 

I know he is with someone else, but with that pattern of breaking up they had . . . well, it just seemed to me more that he was looking for a way out with me than that he really believed that could work out. He doesn't have a pattern of breaking up and getting back together with people. He said that he was never in this kind of situation before.

 

I made it very clear that I was devastated by the breakup, and so now I am just trying to operate on NC and cool myself down, but I want to call him, and I want to do it soon, before too much more time has passed.

 

Does this sound hopeless? Does anyone have any insight on how I might pursue this?

 

He may sound a little flaky, but I still believe that he is a wonderful person. I don't think I can have closure around this unless I feel I have done everything that I can.

[orangesean]

Well, this is not at all as developed as the situation but I guess let me say I did something your boyfriend did.

 

I was with a girl 4 years, lived with her, planning on getting married sooner or later. Things turned sour she broke up with me. So eventually I find a new girlfriend, I think I really like this girl at first. Then I learn more about her as time goes on and start thinking it's probably not going to work, that we aren't compatable. Makes you really miss your ex. And weirdly, my ex came back, and we talked and both decided to try again. In the course of 8 hours before I saw my ex in person and talked to her again I dumped the new girl and got back with the ex.

 

First I dumped the new girl ASAP because I didn't feel it would be fair to let these feelings that resurfaced to get between us any longer than needed. Because if things did not work with the ex, it's still cheating and still two timing to even talk to the ex about getting back together and whatnot.

 

A day or two goes by, I learn the girl I dumped really, REALLY liked me a lot more than I figured. She wants me back and was hoping to convince me and gets sort of angry and whatnot.

 

But here's what it comes down to. I figured, it's way too late, let's say hypothetically in that situation I had gotten rid of the ex girlfriend who was back within the week, (Which wouldn't happen in my as I love my girlfriend way too much even when we were broken up.) and decided to come back to the girl I was dating before that.

 

I figure it would be unfair and would show a guy who makes drastic decisions and who doesn't know his own feelings. So I was confused why this girl was hoping I would come back after that. It just seemed like it would be a major imbalance and I would be at the advantage because I have women to choose from and these women need to compete to get me in a way. That notion made me feel sick.

 

So that being said, if he came back after leaving for his ex-wife would you want him back? Would you want that imbalance? In my eyes, it's damaged beyond repair when you leave someone quickly for someone else, almost instantaneously. Do you want to get through that damage or possible suffer a guy who may be flaky his whole life or who harbors feelings for another woman deep inside?

 

That's the implications if you were to take him back. I would say move on.

[Eyeofthoth]

Thanks orangesean -- You have really addressed a lot of the things that have gone through my mind about this. Even if he came back right now and said that it was completely over with the ex-fiance, how would I believe that? He told me many times before that it was completely over with her. He also promised me he wasn't leaving me literally just days before he did leave me. This doesn't seem emotionally stable to me.

 

When you say your situation wasn't as developed do you mean that you had not been with the new girl for that long? This is the part that really, really gets me. We were together for over a year and a half. We had a very established relationship. I could see this type of thing happening after a couple of months with a new person, but not after we were so good together for so long.

 

He was wonderful in the relationship. Everything I ever wanted. On the other hand, he totally ripped my heart out. I know he did it quickly because he thought that was the fairest thing he could do. He felt like he was in love with two people at the same time and he didn't like it anymore than they did.

 

I actually know that I could not just jump back into things as if nothing had happened. What I think I really want is to keep a line of communication open with him, while I pursue other options for getting on with my life. But maybe that would be too painful for me if he is really back with this other woman. I'm not sure. I am not a very jealous person, so I might be able to do it.

 

Has anybody else had any experience with this type of situation?

[orangesean]

Yes, I was only with the new girl about two months, so I figured things wouldn't hurt as much and not as much damage would be done. I did say many times I was over my ex, and I guess I was convinced as well, but any sign of her coming back just let all the feelings rush back in a matter of a weekend basically.

 

I'm really sorry I can't help beyond that. Were I with someone a year and a half and I loved I probably wouldn't have cut them off as he did you though, so I can't be sure his motivation is much the same. Sorry for the pain you are probably feeling right now.

 

The girl I broke it off with eventually did come around and wish me well on rebuilding my relationship but I suspect she was still really angry with me, I don't know. I was completely honest with her and did not hide anything about my reasoning for breaking up, but I guess I really don't have a clue if it's any consolation that I was up front that I was still madly in love with my ex who even though things went sour, I did spend 4 years of my life with, living with for 2. But there are major reasons that are intensely my fault that did ruin the relationship that I don't feel is relevant to you but you can read in my other threads if you need to. So what I did may not be so much the same, but I can see someone who returns to someone who caused great pain and turmoil to come back and try again right.

 

Had he just plainly separated from you and not gotten back with his ex wife over the turmoil you were having with your ex husband, I would think it would be much different.

 

I wish you well no matter what happens though.

[BackonTrack]

I don't think you should hold out hope.

He was with you buying time, waiting for his ex GF.

He won't come back unless they break up again or run into problems.

He loves her to much + they have history + you were giving him problems.

 

So he's not coming back until things go bad with his ex whom he loves more than you.

[Eyeofthoth]

Harsh Mr. BackonTrack,

 

I don't know. I don't believe he even thought about the ex-gf for about a year. And all during that time he was pledging his love to me.

 

I wasn't really giving him problems. I was just a little checked out and whiny.

 

Of course you could still be right.

[Eyeofthoth]

And now we have history! We have mostly very positive history, only a little bit of negative at the very end.

 

I feel as though I could call him right now and have a wonderful heart-to-heart deeply connected conversation.

 

But . . . then what . . . .

[0hpenelope]

Wow, kind of like mine. Except I've never been married before, but definitely the whole "He's not really over the ex-gf that really messed him up."

 

Because our relationship - the romance, the friendship - ended up paying for it. I wish I could go cold turkey like some people, but it's taking me a while to find my "Off" button. He's not on my buddy list anymore and because of the Olympics opening and whatnot (it reminded me of how he really likes sports), I was tempted to add him on my buddy list again.

 

So after scratching that itch, I saw his SN - and I wasn't as excited! I was numb! I went a step further: I checked his Facebook. I saw his face... and it was still sirens and red lights going off in my head. I'm getting better.

 

What'd I do? I forced the NC. I forced it, I forced it. I figured in my case, I will never be "ready" because I've got to do something that I don't want to do, but I need to do it. So my NC was - and partly - out of sheer will and force. "He doesn't need me... well, f*** it I don't need him too. I'll show me." It's pretty sad when two people who got along so beautifully don't anymore.

 

Roller coasters. Good thing I like 'em.

 

Here's my $0.02 from the "attempting to put a positive spin on something so sad" piggy bank. I hope it's of some value.

[Eyeofthoth]

Thank you Ohp -

 

I like your words of wisdom. I repeat things like this to myself all the time.

 

I think right now I am just in a place where I know I need to speak with him again because I don't have enough closure around the whole thing.

 

We got along great right up to the end, even during the week we broke up we had deep conversations. He said I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me. He said he knew he might be making the biggest mistake of his life. And - I know this other person is someone he broke up with and got back together with repeatedly before he met me. So I have good reason to doubt that it will last.

 

We had such a good foundation, such communication. I don't feel like it is really finished.

 

I have been following a program where I made myself do 30 days of no contact. That 30 days has just run out, and so now I have my own permission to contact him again.

 

I think I have to do it even if it is just for closure. This breakup devastated me more than any other breakup ever has, but I have been really working hard on getting myself back. I want to be able to move on without thinking about "What if . . ."

 

Is it possible to ever get rid of that "what if" feeling where there was a really deep love? Does it just go underground and come back sometime when we least expect it? I can see that this is what happened to him and I don't want to go out and do the same thing to some other guy. But maybe I would not be able to help it if he came back to me in the future. He said that with his ex he thought it was dead but it was just "dormant." I know that if I just continue with the NC, he will never be really over for me. I will be able to make it dormant, but that is all.

 

Does it help to have contact to get closure? If he tells me he is getting married to this other person, will I even believe it? They had serious personality conflicts. Do people with personality conflicts break up and get back together repeatedly and then get back together again after a long break where both people have been with someone else and have it work out? I know he himself had serious doubts that it ever could.

 

I have been doing well for a couple of weeks, but now I find I am making myself crazy with this question of should I really contact him and how and what do I say, and blah, blah, blah . . . . .

 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!