allieapplesauce Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 UGH, i wrote this out and sent to submit it and it didnt work so i lost it all!!!! :mad: luckily for you this'll be shorter. let me start by saying i havent been around a few months trying to get over being hurt and restless from DB. But if you read any of my posts you'd know whats going on. he met "the one" after me apparently...im a little ticked. he grates on my nerves which i guess is good...miss him a little...or at least the "idea" of him...or of a relationship...what a J-A he is now..hymph so anyway, i need help with reading a new guy... this one i work with. not in same dept or floor anymore. he started talking to me a lot more in like end of april. i have hung out like 3 times with him. he's really kinda told me a lot about himself... he doesnt really visit me at work, but if hes in the area he usually stops by for like 30 seconds to say hey. when we msg back and forth, a lot of times its kinda perverted nad suggestive...but kinda in a light fun natured way. but he talks about sex and hook ups and says when i say lets go hell say ok...or stuff about us and sex etc.....which makes me wonder how serious he would be..like does he just want to get some or does he like me? a few times i asked to hang out it didntwork out on his part. so i dont ask. i dont even really ever initiate the msgs b/c he usually doesnt get back till the next day (like he went to a concert) or something. tho like 2 weeks ago he asked when i was gonna let him cook me dinner. i kinda thought he might be joking. no day was ever set. i mentioned it like last week when he said something smart alec like "that better be one damn good dinner you're making me!" so last friday he was msging a lot and we made plans for this sat. hes all about seeing me in a dress..(i wear skirts sometimes but never to work and weve never hung out when ive not been coming straight from work) so i dont know if i should wear a jean skirt or not...like it may be unusual for you but it's not.... ok so i was like 'so what's to drink with this awesome gourmet dinner?" and he said white wine or bubbly...(to myself) like geez, thats not coke or pepsi! i think i was talking about some new beers i'd tried nad stuff (he likes his beer) and he was like 'ok. thats it. i love you" so i joked back and he goes "marry me?" i know those are jokes of course but still real bold stuff u know... i dont wanna get hurt again. my friends at work (like 2-3) that kinda know him say hes a real nice guy. and he very well may just be hiding behind this machoism..... can anyone tell?? i know its not much info...i just dont know if he is like testing me with this stuff or if hes interested but just moving at a snails pace..... i dont know if i want anything to happen sat or not but i kinda am wanting to just get the ball rolling but at the same time not sure if im ready for this... im feeling like im interested. like i think about him and like messaging with him (why cant boys ever just call and chat a few min?) and he's cute and all that good stuff....so i would think hes not gonna cook me dinner just to be nice like he says....but i also hope he knows im not "that kind of girl" to just hook up with him.... ideas would be appreciated!!!
xpaperxcutx Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 You're letting emotions run your actions. Yes, you're attracted to, but you need to be more cautious about where things are going. Since you're meeting him at his place, in a dress no doubt. I don't think he's testing you, he's just a big flirt.
Capricciosa Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 He sounds like he's really unreliable and just playing around. Let's see if he even goes through with the dinner on Sat, and if he does, maybe going out is a better idea at this stage of the game until you suss him out a bit. A lot of talk, no action so far, so I would want to check him out a bit more and not in so intimate a setting. If you go out, go ahead and wear the dress, if you end up going to his house, be more casual. But again, I would counsel against it until you figure out where he's coming from a little more.
Angel1111 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 i would think hes not gonna cook me dinner just to be nice like he says....but i also hope he knows im not "that kind of girl" to just hook up with him.... Everything you're doing and everything you're letting him do is actually telling him that you ARE 'that kind of girl'. It's one thing for a guy to joke with you about sex when you are intimate with him already, but when a guy does this that you hardly know, then it's incredibly inappropriate and disrespectful. His behavior also very erratic and unstable and he already has you wondering what his motives are for cooking dinner for you. This is not a good sign because your instincts are probably correct. The problem is, you've created this mess just as much as he has. The other issue is that it you're initiating some contact with him and it takes him several hours for him to respond. You need to let the guy contact you and stop acting like you're afraid of losing his attention if you somehow don't remind him of your existence every now and then. Then he makes a suggestion about cooking dinner for you and when he doesn't follow up on that, you bring it up. This spells 'desperation' to a man and that's the signal you're giving him. Plus the fact that he doesn't actually call you on the phone to speak to you is a red flag as far as I'm concerned. If similar things happened with your last bf, that's probably why it ended and why he found someone who he felt was 'the one'. I'm guessing that she had stronger boundaries and expected him to treat her with respect. Only you know for sure but it's something to examine in yourself because you're taking a lot of missteps right out of the gate with this new guy. If a guy really likes and respects you, getting his attention and respect is not an issue - he will be anxious to pick up the phone and impress you somehow. If nothing else, he will be anxious to behave decently because he doesn't want to look bad in front of you. This guy is doing none of those things with you which tells me that he has already figured out that you will put up with this disrespectful behavior and he's certain that it's just a matter of time before he gets you into bed. And if you think he ignores you now, wait until after that happens. What I would do if I were you is cancel the date and hit the re-set button on this relationship. Tell him any lie you want but cancel it. You need to back off and then let him come to you on your terms. If he asks you out by texting you, tell him that you would prefer a phone call. If you don't hear from him ever again, don't even think about contacting him. If he asks you out and doesn't set a date, drop him. Figure out what YOUR values are and don't let anyone dismantle them. Act as though you believe you are a valuable person, someone who deserves respect - because you are. If you expect to dance to a guy's moods or whims, then that's exactly what you'll end up doing. But if you expect for men to treat you with respect, then that's exactly what they'll do. And if you don't get that respect, they don't get to stick around. It's all your choice, not someone else's,
Author allieapplesauce Posted August 9, 2008 Author Posted August 9, 2008 I appreciate everyones feedback and have thought about what's been said as some different points of view. Capricciosa, I kinda see the unreliable part but I'm not sure that's exactly it. One of the reasons its hard for me to get is b/c most of my relationships happen after months of friendship. I never really meet a guy who asks me out. Maybe I'm meeting the wrong guys. Where i meet the right ones i dont know....if not for being set up by a friend with a friend of there's, most of the guys are always real suttle and back and forth until they r ready i guess or until i feel im ready and then i dont hold my guard down as well. i decided not to wear the skirt. maybe if he wasnt making a big deal over me in a dress i would be more likely to...but i struggled back and forth and safer to wear capris or something. well, i figure this, and this also comes from a coworker ive been close with lately and she's helped me thru my last break up and has good advice i think. she is kind of friends with him, they started together, basically hey, if nothing happens (which i wont let nad i dont think hed push anything on it anyway) at least i get dinner and let a guy be nice to me. i think im just being inpatient to not feel restless and screwed over. but at the same time im ready to just move on and find that new connection with someone... angel, i appreciate your feedback, i dont think im leading him on to think im that kind of girl. i suppose i do just dish it back, but not quite as much as him. yes some of it is a little over the top. hell usually turn around nad apologize and it kind of just rolls off my back...probably shouldnt be talking like that too me cause i suppose yes it is a bit disrespectful. i would like a charming old fashioned kind of guy...but i cant seem to find one..but i like his sense of humor...i get a long really well with it...and ive told him im not like that nad that i have high expectations and class, etc. you know ive gotten that msg across. hes gonna have to work pretty hard. and i dont msg him just to remind him of my existance. he usually msgs me and thats fine with me. but i think it does require some two way communication, so obviously i would initiate it too sometimes. he will respond back quickly like half the time, other times it takes a well or the next day. he has good reasons. i dont expect him to have his phone on him 24/7 and respond back asap if hes doing something. i just happen to have no life! so... i agree i'd like him to actually call but ive never had a guy and even some of my girlfriends only text, never call...it is a bit strange but thats the texting world now i suppose. im curious as when i find out later what time im meeting him if i should say something like "the guy may wanna call the girl and ask her for dinner properly perhaps" see sometimes i just dont mind the non phone calls cause i dont always have much to say on the phone wiht new ppl so..texting is ok most of the time.... and bringing up the dinner thing--i dont think thats spelling out desperation. he asked...yes he didnt set a day but i only brought it up at one point cuase it fit the convo. and why not let him cook me dinner. even if we dont hang out again...tonite'll tell me whats going on perhaps...hey i still got some guy to cook dinner for moi if nothing else. If you expect to dance to a guy's moods or whims, then that's exactly what you'll end up doing. But if you expect for men to treat you with respect, then that's exactly what they'll do. And if you don't get that respect, they don't get to stick around. It's all your choice, not someone else's, i totally agree. dinner will be nice. i certainly HOPE he wont cancel. i dont think so for this. he stopped up and visited for a minute yesterday. i dont think he'd do that. if he does, yes i wont worry about him in that way anymore. it just seems like all guys are a bunch of douche bags anyway. i live in the city slated for having no one to choose from unfortunately!
xpaperxcutx Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I'm getting a weird vibe here, but why does he sound like someone I know?
torranceshipman Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 He sounds really flaky! Whats the betting he either cancels dinner at late notice - or goes through with dinner and makes a serious pass at you to get very intimate (on a first date, i.e. player)!
Angel1111 Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 The reason you originally posted here was because you suspect that he's stringing you along and may be a player. Now you're defending him. Interesting. BTW, you have not gotten any message across to him - at least not the one you think you have. What you TELL him is way different than how you ACT. And guess which one he'll believe. I am all for communicating when it comes easy and there's no friction or signs of resistence. You don't have that situation with this guy and you weren't contacting him out of anything other than fear because he goes silent, makes you wonder, and suggests a dates but doesn't follow up. This is ridiculous behavior and by contacting him you're basically telling him that you're quite alright with him treating you this way, and that you'll do your best to fix it and let him know just how wonderfully tolerant and understanding you are. That's the difference in communication between a man and woman who are talking on equal terms, and those who aren't. So, because men are low-lifes and none of them are going to live up to your standards anyway, you'll tolerate ill-manners and disrespectul behavior because you have to. He knows what he's doing - it's just that you don't seem to know that. If you think he's slippery now, try sleeping with him tonight and see how he acts.
Trialbyfire Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 If you're going to a man's place on a first date, where he's dictating your mode of dress and also has gotten sexually flirtatious, be prepared that he will expect you to put out. Having said that, you also legally have the right to say no, if that's not what you want while being at his place. If you feel he's viewing you in an inaccurate light, only you can clarify this with him. Talk to him or you might find yourself in a very uncomfortable situation by giving him mixed signals with all the precursor sexual flirting.
bigmanpayne Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 he has you. i am telling you from experience. he has you and he knows it. he can keep you on the sideline waiting for him until he is ready to really mess around with you. he can play the field, and just as long as he keeps texting you and chatting a little bit with you he will keep you sniffing around until he has time for you. i have been on both ends of this. you have to show him that you have other options, and dont have time for his crap - keep it movin. its kinda like having respect for yourself or having high self-esteem. you are accepting the way he treats you so he will keep on doing it. you dont have to actually go up to him and tell him "i am worth more" you can simply show him through your actions.
Jilly Bean Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Yes, he's stringing you along, yes, he's a player and yes he's only out for sex. BUT, you have sent him every signal that you are OK with that treatment. If you're going to play along with sexual comments, then expect a guy will put you in that compartment and have commensurate expectations. Remember - we TEACH people how to treat us. You have taught him how you like to be treated, and now you're upset about it. So, I suggest you work on how you let people treat you, otherwise, you will expect more of the same. BTW, read the thread I started yesterday about boundaries. This guy has already violated a few, and you have enabled all of it.
bigmanpayne Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Yes, he's stringing you along, yes, he's a player and yes he's only out for sex. BUT, you have sent him every signal that you are OK with that treatment. If you're going to play along with sexual comments, then expect a guy will put you in that compartment and have commensurate expectations. Remember - we TEACH people how to treat us. You have taught him how you like to be treated, and now you're upset about it. So, I suggest you work on how you let people treat you, otherwise, you will expect more of the same. BTW, read the thread I started yesterday about boundaries. This guy has already violated a few, and you have enabled all of it. yes listen to jilly, you dont want to send the wrong message to him like having a picture of our bust on a message board - that would be just wrong. (just kidding JB )
Mako482 Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 If you're going to a man's place on a first date, where he's dictating your mode of dress and also has gotten sexually flirtatious, be prepared that he will expect you to put out. That was my first thought.
LovehateLove Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 He sounds really flaky! Whats the betting he either cancels dinner at late notice - or goes through with dinner and makes a serious pass at you to get very intimate (on a first date, i.e. player)! I agree and he also sounds like he just in it for the sex. I bet if he bedded you Allie, you'd never hear from him again. He'll get bored and move onto someone else.
Jilly Bean Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 yes listen to jilly, you dont want to send the wrong message to him like having a picture of our bust on a message board - that would be just wrong. (just kidding JB ) Oh, grow up, Payne. If I was interested in dating anyone on here, I guess I'd listen to my own advice in this regard. HOWEVER, since I have none, I shall continue to post whatever pic I chose. Judge as you like...
Balthazar Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Oh, grow up, Payne. If I was interested in dating anyone on here, I guess I'd listen to my own advice in this regard. HOWEVER, since I have none, I shall continue to post whatever pic I chose. Judge as you like... Drat! That's another chick I just lost!
Jilly Bean Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Drat! That's another chick I just lost! Please. You know you were implied to be excluded from the blanket statement...Both you and Johan - he's my other LS cyber love.
Balthazar Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Ok, then. I can live with that. Not happily. But I can live with it.
bigmanpayne Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Oh, grow up, Payne. If I was interested in dating anyone on here, I guess I'd listen to my own advice in this regard. HOWEVER, since I have none, I shall continue to post whatever pic I chose. Judge as you like... hey calm down, it was just a witty observation. i mean no harm. there is never an excuse not to take good advice, especially when it is your own. whether you want to date or not the pic still gives an impression, the impression can be many things to many people - i may think one thing and someone else may think another - you never know. my comment was a little smart, but no harm no foul, feel free to diss me as you please!
Jilly Bean Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 hey calm down, it was just a witty observation. i mean no harm. there is never an excuse not to take good advice, especially when it is your own. whether you want to date or not the pic still gives an impression, the impression can be many things to many people - i may think one thing and someone else may think another - you never know. my comment was a little smart, but no harm no foul, feel free to diss me as you please! Observation, yes. Witty, hardly. If I had this pic on a dating site, then yes, it would have been an apt and fair accusation. But, since this is an advice forum, I'm not sure why you're trying to gain impressions of anyone. This isn't a dating site, Payne, but apparently the obvious needed to be pointed out to you.
KC11111 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 when we msg back and forth, a lot of times its kinda perverted nad suggestive...but kinda in a light fun natured way. but he talks about sex and hook ups and says when i say lets go hell say ok...or stuff about us and sex etc.....which makes me wonder how serious he would be..like does he just want to get some or does he like me? This comment would concern me right off the bat. I am very wary of guys who bring up this sort of talk in the getting to know you stages so not that you need to read into it too much, just keep it in the back of your mind and see how else his behavior/actions are following.
bigmanpayne Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Observation, yes. Witty, hardly. If I had this pic on a dating site, then yes, it would have been an apt and fair accusation. But, since this is an advice forum, I'm not sure why you're trying to gain impressions of anyone. This isn't a dating site, Payne, but apparently the obvious needed to be pointed out to you. i love you too.
Angel1111 Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 Observation, yes. Witty, hardly. If I had this pic on a dating site, then yes, it would have been an apt and fair accusation. But, since this is an advice forum, I'm not sure why you're trying to gain impressions of anyone. This isn't a dating site, Payne, but apparently the obvious needed to be pointed out to you. I thought it was kinda funny. He was just messing with you.
Author allieapplesauce Posted August 15, 2008 Author Posted August 15, 2008 I'm not exactly trying to defend the kid...I tend to get anal about details. I don't know... Well, I suppose you guys are right...I get the part about the respecting thing. I suppose I did just go along with it. He just somehow really came a long with some attention at a time when I needed it, which was weird, cause he didn't know my situation with the jack*** I had been dating and kinda was but not really at that time anyway... Most ppl love to comment on how shy I am and can't even believe I go to bars or drink and stuff and I'm not that shy. My friends will say "you may think she is but she's really not" so talking trash like that to me would be the last thing you'd think he would start talkin like...It's just weird to me. We didn't really talk unless we passed by and that was usually a "hey, what's up?" type thing...I suppose at this point, going to his place like that wouldn't be the best idea. I really don't know how guys think. I know I should realize that isn't normal behavior but at the same time, the guys I'm just "co worker friends" with act the same way around each other, even if it isnt personally being said to me, that it's hard to know what's normal and not... I definitely wasn't planning on putting out. And actions are hard when you never hang out with the kid anyway. So words are words. I guess he could be stringing me along, but I'm not gonna be that person. Even if I have to change now when I hadn't before. I did get real hurt in prev relationship and am real scared to have it happen again. Such is life i suppose...and not much experienced in this stuff. I don't know how to stop getting screwed over. These things seem to work out great and naturally for everyone but ME. so yes i wasnt sure what to do at all...i kinda started to like him i think cause i felt comfy joking with him but true, not exactly what i want in the end as far as how im treated so yeah sat didnt happen. apparently he "forgot" and that we could go out for dinner then go o the bar thing that is giving off raffles. so i was like yeah i dont know...i had just figured if you wanted to make dinner why not? and i wouldnt tell a girl you "forgot"...(since he's said "can i take a raincheck" to me a couple times) i said "i think i'll have to take a raincheck" and he said "ok i get ya" and i havent talked to him since. he hasnt msg me and im not gonna msg him, tho i can tell on the blackberry messenger contact list he hasnt been on it all week.....so that in itself is a bit strange and really something else is gonig on based on what i know but that's not really a good excuse...my coworker who started work with him and is a friend isnt real sure why he would act this way and she knows him better. i dont know....whatever. so that kinda ended that infatutation for me. which im sure is good. on the other hand i did meet someone else a few weeks ago i started to hang out with but wasnt sure how i felt. he's weird tho. he likes to actually "talk" on the phone and not text!! lol...that is a new one for me. 6 times weve hung out and nothings happened at all but i think im liking his style. get a pizza and go eat at a picnic table at the park, then go down by the water falls, then get ice cream and mix it with candy and watch a movie, then walk around hte pond at the property where he's renting his place. yeah was cool! so maybe this guy is better...just real scared to move to the more official dating thing and start having feelings and get screwed without seeing it coming. thanks for all the thoughts tho!
LionLover Posted August 15, 2008 Posted August 15, 2008 but he talks about sex and hook ups and says when i say lets go hell say ok Yeah that would be the indicator right there, along with all the other things. AND, especially with him "forgetting" he had made plans with you & the whole "rain check" thing, not contacting you afterwards, etc. Pretty clear. on the other hand i did meet someone else a few weeks ago i started to hang out with but wasnt sure how i felt. he's weird tho. he likes to actually "talk" on the phone and not text!! lol...that is a new one for me. 6 times weve hung out and nothings happened at all but i think im liking his style. get a pizza and go eat at a picnic table at the park, then go down by the water falls, then get ice cream and mix it with candy and watch a movie, then walk around hte pond at the property where he's renting his place. yeah was cool! so maybe this guy is better...just real scared to move to the more official dating thing and start having feelings and get screwed without seeing it coming. Not sure about this one yet, too soon to tell. Just remain cautious/alert & look for other things as well (i.e. is he consistent with keeping dates, consistent with what he does/says, does he ask questions about you, does he show an interest in getting to know you better, does he listen to you when you talk & remembers little details).
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