changed my mind

[soda]

I changed my mind about not talking to OM's and WS employers, his SO, and whoever else I decide to tell.

 

She picked an old slob over me, and she deserves to have him...but she's going to get him while he's picking up some major pieces.

 

I did everything on her terms, and I have zilch to show for it. She's a cakeeater who's about to enjoy a big, fat piece of garbage cake.

 

So much for me being above this...she wasn't above giving her heart to another man.

[LoyalGirl]

Was there a recent event that made you want to tell? What's your plan of action with this? Sorry, Soda, as you know I am kind of new to LS. I'd be interested in hearing your whole story(only if you have the time and energy!) Is there a previous post I can read?

Thanks,

LG

[Curmudgeon]

So much for me being above this...she wasn't above giving her heart to another man.

 

But the difference may be that since she lacks character and morals she may not care one way or the other about exposure. On the other hand, down the road you may lament not having risen above it all and stayed on the high road.

 

Just a thought! Remember, high road = no regrets. Low road = you can't go back and undo it!

[Chinook]

Ouch! Soda, really sorry to hear this. For some reason, I was under the impression you guys were trying to sort things out. I didn't realise she had taken a choice already. For what it's worth though, I kinda agree with Cur... on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I can also see where you're coming from. I guess you're going to do what you need to do.

[Trimmer]

Don't know your history, but for me it breaks down along lines of whether you have kids or not. If you do, then I have very strong feelings that their well-being, even if only indirectly affected, should trump other considerations, and you should just "take one for the team" and go cry and shout on your counselor's couch.

 

On the other hand, if no kids are involved, then it's just a matter of whether you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror next week, next month, next year, once you're past all of this and have made a new life for yourself. Right now is crazy; in the long run though, is this who you are?

 

Edit: OK, I just read your other thread and see that you've been married 10 years and have 3 kids, meaning under 10 or so... So as hard, hard, hard as it is at this insane time, for the good of your kids, you need to separate your ego from your decisions about (1) how to treat your wife, and (2) what to tell them about her. Not saying you have to be all nice and everything - fight honorably and fairly for what is rightfully yours and so on. But realize that you will still be parents together, and actively involved in raising your kids for the next 15 years or so, and the parental relationship you establish with her (even as your spousal relationship crumbles) is a huge determinant of your kids' developmental prognosis in the coming years.

 

My situation was not far off yours - not at all - although the OM in my case is, objectively, not a bad guy. He's currently living in my wife's house, and thus a parental figure for my kids the 1/2 time they are with their mother. You have to imagine it was at some point like swallowing acid for me to accept this, to listen to their stories of their life over there, etc. But I am deeply and truly glad that I kept a supportive attitude for her as a parent, and didn't let my feelings about her as a wife influence the parental dynamic. I am unalterably convinced that my kids are emotionally safer and developmentally healthier for it.

 

I have no doubt that I would have felt justified - and that people would have supported me - in being more of an a**hole, being cold, unresponsive, unsupportive, petty in our divorce, whatever... based on "what she did." But I am just as sure that my kids would have suffered for it, and that would have been unforgiveable. That's not the father I am.

 

I know you're hurting, and I know I'm lecturing, but this is about being a father - being a parent - and whatever happens here, your kids are about to go through a trauma, too, and the best possible scenario will be if they can have their two parents both remain stable, loving (to them), and supportive of each other in your parental roles. Especially at this early stage, this takes a monumental effort but it's here that you lay the groundwork for the kind of parenting you and your wife will be doing for the next decade or more.

[soda]

Trimmer, I understand your points, and I appreciate you taking time to offer your advice.

 

However, my W tried to use my kids against me when I confronted her about the EA. She mentioned how bad it would be to leave our kids in a broken home over something so "insignicant." She promised to set boundaries.

 

The whole time we worked on our marriage, MC and all, she and OM continued to carry on their EA, even discussing what we'd talked about in MC. She was and still is a liar. She was half of a parent at best during this time because she was solely worried about her happiness. She was lazy and selfish toward me and the kids because all she cared about was being in contact with her OM. She dropped them off early to daycare everyday, and I hadn't been there to pick them up, they would have been picked up late, too.

 

So, when I think about my kids, I think I want them to understand that this type of behavior is not excusable or acceptable. I'm trying to raise kids who understand that there is consequences for bad behavior...how does it look when my cheating wife gets off scottfree?

 

I guess...if my wife were to come clean with a full confession and beg for forgiveness, I might change my mind again. But that's not going to happen. I'm sending out emails on Monday morning.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not following your logic....

 

If you're bent on divorce, and you sound like you are... then divorce should be treated as a GOAL. So who ends up paying if she loses her job, you or her??? If you're divorcing her, you WANT her to have an income, and a good one too, don't you? It's less YOU have to pay.

 

A pound of flesh isn't worth all that if you ask me. You can't count on the court sympathizing with an emotional affair as infidelity. You get the wrong judge and you'll be treated like a crazy person, stalking your STBX at work and ruining her business prospects. Next thing you know, you'll be looking at a restraining order.

[imagine]

Hi again Soda

 

Glad to see that you are posting again for your own cause.

 

Just to recap: You were last hoping to get concrete compromising evidence sufficient to divorce your spouse. You had hired a lawyer to protect your interests and set things in motion?

Without actually checking, I think I may have advised you to investigate marriage builders. They have a highly organized system that addresses various contingencies.

Right now, you are behind in the game. You are reacting to events. Its time to take the steering wheel.

 

Here's the deal.

You had two choices. You had elected to flush the marriage rather than restore. You had already contracted the legal process and hopefully have documented all relevant information pertinent to the law in your part of the world.

 

Here's the hard part.

You need to part ways with least collateral damage to those that you love and with your credibility intact. Extremely difficult when one is angry, disappointed and frustrated.

 

TRY, TRY, TRY to play for the long game!

 

Firstly, set your children straight and calmly tell them that your wife is not thinking straight at this time and has chosen to confide in another man rather than you, her husband. Explain to them that this is wrong. Tell them that you do care for their mom and it is because of these feelings that you need to protect yourself by separating from the circumstances. DO NOT condemn/insult/berate her for this. Apologise to them if you have previously already done so. Focus on her behaviour NOT your wife's character. Assure your kids that you will be there for them. You need to be your children's moral guide after this. Show your metal.

 

Leave with dignity. Thank her for her great contribution to the household, her support and loyalty previous to this association. DO NOT be emotional or argue no matter the provocation. Write to the OM and tell him what a wonderful wife she was and that she was not rejected because of any character flaw but because of the dissipation of her affections between her and OM.

 

Stop with MC - obviously. Do not engage in discussion with your wife except on business related issues. Do not pay for anything that will aid her and OM.

 

Fake cheerfulness if necessary. Socialize. Do not date until many months after the divorce.

 

PS. Contacting OM contacts would have been the plan if you were going to try restore the marriage - the other choice. Doing this now only undermines your dignity. Vent here instead.

[soda]

Was there a recent event that made you want to tell? What's your plan of action with this? Sorry, Soda, as you know I am kind of new to LS. I'd be interested in hearing your whole story(only if you have the time and energy!) Is there a previous post I can read?

Thanks,

LG

 

The previous thread is very long. Here's the short version...

 

Wife became very close to a male coworker, so close in fact that I confronted her about it one night after I had one too many drinks. She denied any wrong doing and said that I had nothing to worry about.

 

Her relationship continued with OM. They began meeting privately for coffee and to talk. Lots of emails and phone conversations, always away from me. I confronted her about it again. She said that they were "just friends." Why the secrecy?

 

We went through MC, and she went through the motions of pretending to work on the marriage. I was told by a confidant who was closer to the situation that my W was putting a whole lot more effort into the friendship than she was our M.

 

I did some exploring and found out that my W had completely betrayed my trust. This was not "just friends." She was actively pursuing the OM and doing everything in her power to break up his relationship with his SO.

 

I discovered that almost every word she'd spoken to me over a two month period was an absolute lie. She was so wrapped up in affairyland that she couldn't even keep her lies straight.

 

I think you'll find that this is the same kind of story that you'll find written all over divorces.

 

WS enters relationship with OP. Redefines his or her own marriage as bad in order to attempt to justify the betrayal.

 

Denies, denies, denies...even when confronted with evidence. Accuses BS of being "overly jealous." Spins everything to leave the BS confused and lost.

 

Lies become sloppy. Game is over.

[whichwayisup]

Because of your kids, they need to have ONE stable parent. And that has to be you.

 

I completely understand your anger and want for revenge - But think of your kids. The affect it's going to have on them - The divorce itself, and how custody is going to go. You can hate her all you want, but she still is their mom. Not a great mom right now, but one day she WILL be again. She's f'ed up in the head.

 

You can call the OM and his SO, but drop the other idea of getting them fired.

[soda]

Because of your kids, they need to have ONE stable parent. And that has to be you.

 

I completely understand your anger and want for revenge - But think of your kids. The affect it's going to have on them - The divorce itself, and how custody is going to go. You can hate her all you want, but she still is their mom. Not a great mom right now, but one day she WILL be again. She's f'ed up in the head.

 

You can call the OM and his SO, but drop the other idea of getting them fired.

 

Yeah, cooler heads always prevail and I'm pretty good at seeing the big picture even when I'm so angry...which is why I haven't acted already. I'm still going to to tell OM's SO because she deserves to know that she's being betrayed just like I am. At least she'll have all the facts so she can make her own decision about whether she wants to work on the relationship.

 

Letting my wife experience what it's like to have this guy fulltime is enough punishment in itself. I think she's even coming to realize that her OM isn't everything that he's advertised. It's just too late. I'm going to concentrate on obtaining full custody because I love my kids and I know in my heart that they are much better off with me than they are with her. I've been very careful about collecting thorough evidence that fully supports that fact and I feel very confident that I can beat the biases of the court system.

 

I'm not being vindictive in seeking custody. I love my kids and after much soul-searching, I've determined that the only reason that I even tried to make a trainwreck work is because I wanted my kids to have stability. To be honest, I've come to realize that stability means ridding our household of a very selfish person and continuing on as a family.

 

Rather than create drama, I've just resigned myself to letting my wife make her own bad decision. As of Monday, I'm ending all contact with her that doesn't deal with official business of the divorce she needs to lawyer up for.

[crystal_lostheart]

Hey Soda,

 

I just replied to your post on my thread. I just wanted to say - thankyou. Seeing the perspective of someone who has been betrayed, makes me think so much harder about why the hell I have put myself in this position and how I have to really try change this so others don't get hurt. Me being on the other side, I guess you could easily look at me and think the worst. Yet you have helped me with your advice. Thankyou.

[soda]

Hey Soda,

 

I just replied to your post on my thread. I just wanted to say - thankyou. Seeing the perspective of someone who has been betrayed, makes me think so much harder about why the hell I have put myself in this position and how I have to really try change this so others don't get hurt. Me being on the other side, I guess you could easily look at me and think the worst. Yet you have helped me with your advice. Thankyou.

 

Crystal Lostheart -- you're welcome. To be honest, the way I've managed to cope is by trying to offer my perspectives to others here at LS. I received a lot of genuine, valuable advice from people here, and although things didn't work out for me, I feel better knowing that I might also be able to lend some support and advice to others.

 

I hope that you'll stick around here. Sometimes, the experience can be painful, but I feel like I've grown as a person by what I've learned.

 

I'm going to respond to your thread now.

[TrustInYourself]

I changed my mind about not talking to OM's and WS employers, his SO, and whoever else I decide to tell.

 

She picked an old slob over me, and she deserves to have him...but she's going to get him while he's picking up some major pieces.

 

I did everything on her terms, and I have zilch to show for it. She's a cakeeater who's about to enjoy a big, fat piece of garbage cake.

 

So much for me being above this...she wasn't above giving her heart to another man.

 

I read this again and I laughed.

[imagine]

Well, its Monday and I look forward to hearing the latest developments.

 

For the record, is she still at home? Does she have a lawyer? How are you holding out? What is the thought of the kids? Apart from us, do you have any friends and family to offer support at this time?

[Mz. Pixie]

Because of your kids, they need to have ONE stable parent. And that has to be you.

 

I completely understand your anger and want for revenge - But think of your kids. The affect it's going to have on them - The divorce itself, and how custody is going to go. You can hate her all you want, but she still is their mom. Not a great mom right now, but one day she WILL be again. She's f'ed up in the head.

 

You can call the OM and his SO, but drop the other idea of getting them fired.

 

WWIU is right here. For your kids sake you have to be the bigger person. Fig what she's done- this is about YOU and looking your kids and yourself in the eyes when it's all done.

 

LJ is also right- you may come off looking like a stalker etc which might your hurt chances of custody- because the courts probably won't see an EA like you do.

 

Don't be so hurt you overlook things that could help you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm still going to to tell OM's SO because she deserves to know that she's being betrayed just like I am. At least she'll have all the facts so she can make her own decision about whether she wants to work on the relationship.

 

This is OK to do - But the other stuff isn't worth it. Trust me, this guy will be dealing with WWIII at home once you let his wife know WTF he's been doing with your wife.

[imagine]

I saw your post on another thread that indicated jealousy on the part of your W when you showed up with a pretty attorney.

 

How exactly did she react?

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no doubt that I would have felt justified - and that people would have supported me - in being more of an a**hole, being cold, unresponsive, unsupportive, petty in our divorce, whatever... based on "what she did." But I am just as sure that my kids would have suffered for it, and that would have been unforgiveable. That's not the father I am.

 

I know you're hurting, and I know I'm lecturing, but this is about being a father - being a parent - and whatever happens here, your kids are about to go through a trauma, too, and the best possible scenario will be if they can have their two parents both remain stable, loving (to them), and supportive of each other in your parental roles. Especially at this early stage, this takes a monumental effort but it's here that you lay the groundwork for the kind of parenting you and your wife will be doing for the next decade or more.

Well put, Trimmer. One of the best summaries I've read on why the "high road" ultimately benefits both the BS and the children involved. I've been divorced from my cheatin' first wife for 25 years and have never once regretted supporting her role as our son's mother. He's now 29 and an outstanding young man ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[soda]

Here's my update. I didn't tell anybody anything. I am going to tell OM's SO, but I've been concentrating on building my custody case.

 

My W is just a sad individual. I've learned that her OM isn't even putting effort into the relationship anymore. He calls her when he feels like it, and he gets back to her on his own time. My W has gotten so wrapped up in this fantasyworld that she has no clue of what's real anymore. She not only accused me of having an inappropriate relationship with someone I'm barely an acquaintance with, she even went to OM's SO's place of employment to stalk her...I guess to see if the SO is behind her OM's cooling on the relationship. My W's behavior has gone from deceitful to strange in just a matter of weeks.

 

It's ridiculous. I'm no longer angry. I'm just glad to be ending the marriage and taking my kids with me. My friends and family think I just made a bad mistake marrying someone who needs professional help.

 

I've also learned that this wasn't my W's first EA. Live and learn.

[Billy Bob]

Soda, Been there, done that..

 

Just an angle of advice... Don't let your wife know too much about what you are doing. You may want to play the game like I did and just plod along and let her live in her fantasy world.. Keep her little affair going until you have all the ammo and are in position to drop your bunker-buster.

 

If you throw a wrench into her fantasy world engine too soon, you may end up with a very wrathful enemy in divorce court or give her extra time to get out of her fog and go after the kids.. Right now the kids are a bit of an impediment to her dream.. use that to your advantage.

[soda]

Soda, Been there, done that..

 

Just an angle of advice... Don't let your wife know too much about what you are doing. You may want to play the game like I did and just plod along and let her live in her fantasy world.. Keep her little affair going until you have all the ammo and are in position to drop your bunker-buster.

 

If you throw a wrench into her fantasy world engine too soon, you may end up with a very wrathful enemy in divorce court or give her extra time to get out of her fog and go after the kids.. Right now the kids are a bit of an impediment to her dream.. use that to your advantage.

 

My lawyer just gave me this same advice. I agree with it. My W doesn't even know she's getting divorced yet, or what my intentions are for custody. This makes me seem like a horrible dupe day-to-day, but my only concern is making sure that the kids end up with the parent who cares about them and will do the best job of raising them.

 

By letting my W continue in her trainwreck, I'm gathering boatloads of evidence that will prove what I already know about her.

 

Like I said, my W is just sad at this point. I don't care about her anymore. I do, however, want my kids to be raised in an environment that they can thrive in. My W can't provide that.

[n9688m]

 

You can call the OM and his SO, but drop the other idea of getting them fired.

 

I disagree.

 

Go for it.

 

Revenge will be sweet.

 

There must be consequences to behavior.

[soda]

I disagree.

 

Go for it.

 

Revenge will be sweet.

 

There must be consequences to behavior.

 

After my W acted like the total b**** from hell this weekend, I wondered why I'm being so nuisanced by a horrible person.

 

Also, why would I give a flying f*** if OM loses his job and has to pay back money to the company?

 

If my kids learn that my wife is a horrible person, they will know the truth. I'm not concerned about her relationship with the kids whenever the heck she decides she wants to be a mom again.

 

I did not stray because I am a man, husband, and father. All three of those labels come with responsibilities.

 

Too damn bad that my wife didn't take her job as mom and (her career) seriously.

 

I'm about to get flamed. I couldn't give a crap. This is my life, not yours. Best wishes to the rest of you. My W gets to feel bad. Her OM might get to enjoy the epic splendor of jail.

 

I'm out of here. I will not come back.

[whichwayisup]

Don't let one person get to you and make you wanna leave LS. Please reconsider..many folks around here have helped you and it would be a shame if you left. This is your life and you're going to do what YOU feel is right.