Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 19, 2008 Author Posted August 19, 2008 Ruby Slippers, I wouldn't worry too much on this but bear in mind that your boyfriend is of an old school logic where the man is the king and owner of the household, and everyone is under him...even the wife. Bear that in mind if you marry him that he will think that way of you and everything. I am still not all that reassured about the original comment, "it's his house", but I am sure we will talk about it more. He really does not behave as if he thinks he is the king to lord over me. He is definitely traditional in that he seems to see it as essential to be the solid and reliable provider who takes care of his woman. This doesn't surprise me, given that his parents have a very traditional relationship, his father has always made providing for the family his top priority, and he does it exceedingly well. His dad has a strong personality and likes to take charge, but it's pretty obvious that underlying everything he does is the desire to provide for his family and make his wife and kids happy. He's the classic family man, and a really great guy. I actually enjoy the fact that he loves to take the lead in a lot of areas -- he always drives and is a great driver, he almost always initiates sex and is a great lover, he has fun ideas for things to do, he is a man of action who loves getting things done, he's very protective of me and vigilant of random weirdos when we're out and about, he's in sales and is almost always the top seller and the best with people, he jumps to his feet to serve me drinks and do little nice things for me, he's an insanely good guitar player and musician, he has endless optimism and enthusiasm. I really like his confidence and take-charge attitude. I feel that he is assertive and somewhat dominant without being controlling. I'm a strong and independent girl, so in the past I have attracted a lot of subservient mama's boys. But that will never work for me long. I want to be with a man who has his own opinions, perspective, and ambitions and won't just kiss my butt all the time. I'm also surprised that if things are so bad with you two...that it took you two years to get to a point of ending it.He only moved to my city eight months ago, so the first year and some months weren't much of a real test. It was mostly fun and excitement then. And he had no problem being invested (or seeming fully invested) from 500 miles away. He loves travel, movement, and action, so he was great at that. He would come see me every three weeks, paid for most of the travel, and rearranged his work schedule to make it happen. He called me and we really talked every day. It was only when he got here and we began to get into a "normal" relationship groove that things got kind of weird. Thank you for your opinion and advice. I appreciate it. I will definitely open up a discussion with him about his original comment and his view of men and women and their shared assets in committed relationships.
mortensorchid Posted August 19, 2008 Posted August 19, 2008 Hmm ... Well that is a bit odd that your bf would think that. It might be nothing. Then again, it might be a shadow of things to come. I would take more time out to get to know him a bit better. You never know, this could apply to more than one situation dealing with finances and property.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Update: I gave him two weeks to make good on his commitment to being a great boyfriend. (Sounds quite ridiculous to type it out.) Two weeks is up on Monday (Labor Day), and while things have been better and I have started to feel as though I'm in an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, he has still been hot and cold, and I am so sick of it. I feel like if he can't even be consistent for TWO WEEKS, there's no hope. My counselor asked me if he's bipolar. He had somewhat of a breakdown after a breakup during college, and he saw two counselors. One diagnosed him as bipolar -- the other said she thought that was wrong. (He makes jokes about the polar opposite diagnoses.) I am starting to think he must have a deeper issue. I cannot find any other explanation for his hot and cold behavior. One day he acts like I'm the best thing since sliced bread -- the next day he seems hell bent on arguing with me the whole evening just to prove some stupid point. My counselor said if I'm going to stay with him, she thinks couples counseling is the only logical step to take from here. She wants me to decide if I want to invest in that. Part of me thinks I should at least have a few sessions with him to see how it goes, but another part of me is sick and tired of being bogged down with his drama and feeling neglected and dissatisfied most of the time. Any opinions? What would you do?
Walk Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I echo your counselors words: You sound like you've thrown your cards in already. You just don't seem sure if you want to pick them back up again. I don't think couples counseling will make dramatic improvements. If you see any, they will be small and inconsistently done. Major changes don't usually occur unless there's major trauma to bring them about. When my first marriage was in trouble, I went to marriage counseling with my exH. I didn't really want to stay in the marriage anymore but I also didn't want to call it quits just yet. I felt like there was hope for change, and I wanted to give it a chance. The counseling helped very little. I was even more unsure about what to do afterward. My exH acknowledged what was wrong, but the change I saw was so little and so late that I couldn't really convince myself to put all my effort into making it work. And without my full effort, the relationship could not work. It takes both of you devoted to making it work... not 1 and a half of you. Take that for what its worth.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 I hear you. I definitely hear you. It's interesting to read about your experience with your ex-husband. I am very relieved that he and I are not married!! That certainly ups the stakes. What is bugging me is that I feel almost guilty for feeling blah and lukewarm about him now! I KNOW that he hasn't put in the effort to keep things healthy and strong. He admitted as much. I was fully invested in the beginning, and my investment waned the more neglected I felt. I became more and more skeptical of him, and the impact of his words and the degree to which I believed them steadily declined. Those formative experiences are crucial, and I feel cheated out of many that I wanted. And resentful. And devalued. I took our picture off my desk. Any vague notions of a future I had for us together have pretty much vanished, to the point that I can't even imagine a real future with him anymore. Rationally, it's perfectly understandable that my feelings would deteriorate to this point. But I guess his emotional appeals and professions of love, which he makes once I'm right near the breaking point, worm their way in. As I type it out here, it strikes me as manipulative on his part. Bleh. I will take the weekend to think it over. Again, the answer seems obvious. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's very helpful.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 I broke up with him tonight. I know he's not the guy for me, and I think I did the right thing. My best friend from high school just moved to my city a few weeks ago, and she's coming over with wine and movies tonight. Great timing on her part. Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Sorry RS... breakups suck.. Here.. have a Dove Dark ....
Tomcat33 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I'm sorry to say RS but after reading your entire thread I feel the one you should be breaking up with is your therapist not your boyfriend. Of course I only see what you posted here and perhaps there are deeper issues going on here that you are not at liberty to discuss pulicly but it seems your boyfriend is trying, really trying and his issues are with HIM not you. Two weeks is not a realistic time for him to turn this fear around and give you what you need. First of all the pressure that adds on him is too big, second that pressure will turn into resentment if he feels he is giving and it is still not good enough. Change happens gradually and through mutual love and understanding, change can never happen if you are sitting at the top of a hill waiting for him (metaphorically) with your arms crossed and scrutinizing his every move. Of course I am NOT saying you are doing that but he may feel this way without you even doing such a thing. Do you see what I mean? I hope that was understood...and not misinterpreted as me saying you are doing something overtly wrong, cool? Lastly I would like to comment on your opening statement about what he said about his mother, while it IS peculiar and it is a very chauvenistic thing to say and it IS alarming if you do plan a future with this guy, would you ever consider that comment to be more about some sort of resentment he may harbour for his mother and not so much for women and their role in a marriage in general?
almost famous Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 A man that is truly invested in a woman and a relationship with her doesn't go hot and cold like he does. So, I have to disagree with you. It's not all about the one comment, not at all. I'm sorry to say RS but after reading your entire thread I feel the one you should be breaking up with is your therapist not your boyfriend. Of course I only see what you posted here and perhaps there are deeper issues going on here that you are not at liberty to discuss pulicly but it seems your boyfriend is trying, really trying and his issues are with HIM not you. Two weeks is not a realistic time for him to turn this fear around and give you what you need. First of all the pressure that adds on him is too big, second that pressure will turn into resentment if he feels he is giving and it is still not good enough. Change happens gradually and through mutual love and understanding, change can never happen if you are sitting at the top of a hill waiting for him (metaphorically) with your arms crossed and scrutinizing his every move. Of course I am NOT saying you are doing that but he may feel this way without you even doing such a thing. Do you see what I mean? I hope that was understood...and not misinterpreted as me saying you are doing something overtly wrong, cool? Lastly I would like to comment on your opening statement about what he said about his mother, while it IS peculiar and it is a very chauvenistic thing to say and it IS alarming if you do plan a future with this guy, would you ever consider that comment to be more about some sort of resentment he may harbour for his mother and not so much for women and their role in a marriage in general?
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Sorry RS... breakups suck.. Here.. have a Dove Dark .... Mmmm, sounds good. I made myself a homemade iced decaf mocha. Great comfort drink during a warm, late summer storm.
Tomcat33 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 A man that is truly invested in a woman and a relationship with her doesn't go hot and cold like he does. So, I have to disagree with you. It's not all about the one comment, not at all. It's not all about what "one comment?!?!?"
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Of course I only see what you posted here and perhaps there are deeper issues going on here that you are not at liberty to discuss pulicly but it seems your boyfriend is trying, really trying and his issues are with HIM not you. I seem to be a magnet for men who are really good at TRYING but not always so hot at DELIVERING. This is largely my own problem and pattern that I will be working on for myself. I have not dredged through all the issues we have, but what it boils down to is that I was not happy in the relationship, and times that I felt he was truly right for me were short and fleeting. Most of the time, I had a gut feeling that, while we are very attracted to each other, had hot sex, and had fun times, he was not the guy for me. The two weeks came after a lot of talking, asking repeatedly to have the most basic of relationship needs met, and being very patient. I had reached my breaking point. I was willing to give him one last shot to wow me, and -- no surprise -- he didn't. Lastly I would like to comment on your opening statement about what he said about his mother, while it IS peculiar and it is a very chauvenistic thing to say and it IS alarming if you do plan a future with this guy, would you ever consider that comment to be more about some sort of resentment he may harbour for his mother and not so much for women and their role in a marriage in general? I am not aware of any resentment he has for his mother. From everything he told me, his relationship with both parents is good. They are close but not interfering, and he seems to get along well with both of them. If anyone was overbearing during his upbringing, it was his dad. He seems to regard his mom as supportive, loving, and intelligent. In any case, I feel a weight off. All things considered, being with him did not make my life better. It caused me self-doubt, complications, and a lot of heartache. I know I can do much, much better than that.
Tomcat33 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I was not happy in the relationship, and times that I felt he was truly right for me were short and fleeting. Most of the time, I had a gut feeling that, while we are very attracted to each other, had hot sex, and had fun times, he was not the guy for me. The two weeks came after a lot of talking, asking repeatedly to have the most basic of relationship needs met, and being very patient. I had reached my breaking point. I was willing to give him one last shot to wow me, and -- no surprise -- he didn't. Fair enough, you did the right thing if you have mostly felt this with him there is no point in dragging this out. The parts you underlined though could very well be what held him back in particular since he had problems of intimacy in the sense that he won't allow himself the opportunity to get too close for fear of being hurt. The dynamic that develops between two people in terms of what is sensed and unspoken plays out nicely in the way in which people limit themselves to give in a relationship. If most of the time you had a gut feeling that he was not the right guy for you how do you think this manifests itself outwardly and unconsciously? But having said all that this is really the bottom line: In any case, I feel a weight off. All things considered, being with him did not make my life better. It caused me self-doubt, complications, and a lot of heartache. I know I can do much, much better than that.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 If most of the time you had a gut feeling that he was not the right guy for you how do you think this manifests itself outwardly and unconsciously? In the beginning, I was all in, but the more time that passed with me feeling he wasn't as invested as I was, the less invested and more skeptical I became. We had some incredibly connected and wonderful visits during the LD portion, but he could only sustain that for brief periods of time. Since he moved here, I felt that he kept me at arm's length. I now see that being long-distance, he was also keeping me at arm's length. He was perfectly happy in that arrangement and saw no need to change it. It wasn't till I made clear that I wasn't OK with an indefinite LDR, and that not being in the same city was a deal-breaker for me, that he took action. It seemed that every time we started to get closer, he would pull away. He told me he was "scared of losing his independence". I have never had any problem with him spending time away from me, but I have no interest in participating in a relationship that has no closeness or intimacy. In my view, if having a connected relationship makes you feel that you have no independence, you should be single. He has a history of being unable to truly commit, and once our relationship became real (no longer LD), he faced the same barrier with me. I think he has some deep issues to work through, and I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my happiness and well-being while he figures it out.
sunshinegirl Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I was not happy in the relationship, and times that I felt he was truly right for me were short and fleeting. Most of the time, I had a gut feeling that, while we are very attracted to each other, had hot sex, and had fun times, he was not the guy for me. The two weeks came after a lot of talking, asking repeatedly to have the most basic of relationship needs met, and being very patient. I had reached my breaking point. I was willing to give him one last shot to wow me, and -- no surprise -- he didn't. Hi Ruby, I'm sorry for the ending of your relationship but...wow, well done! I was in a similarly dissatisfying relationship for over a year. We had unbelievable chemistry, the sex was awesome, we had really fun times together, but my gut instinct was sending me little warnings throughout our relationship. I could probably have written a dozen posts of "something my boyfriend said struck me very weird". And your underlined bits were things I could have said myself. The difference between you and me is that I ignored or downplayed my intuition and discomfort with certain things, and instead of respecting my needs and ending our relationship, I stayed, somehow thinking things would improve, or I would learn to live "without" the silly stuff I wanted, like emotional connection and equal commitment to growing our relationship. Ultimately, he cheated on me and left me for someone else. So, again, I'm sorry things ended this way but I really do commend you for your strength and self-protection. Best wishes.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Well, my friend flaked out, but it's OK. She warned me the other day she might be flaky for a few weeks till she starts settling into the city better and quits stressing out so much. I'm OK getting caught up on piffle at home. Hi Ruby, I'm sorry for the ending of your relationship but...wow, well done! Thank you! I was in a similarly dissatisfying relationship for over a year. We had unbelievable chemistry, the sex was awesome, we had really fun times together, but my gut instinct was sending me little warnings throughout our relationship. Yes. Soooo many warnings. I chalked them up at the time to being insecure, being scared, whatever. I doubted myself, but I shouldn't have. I make pretty good decisions, and my instincts rarely misguide me. The difference between you and me is that I ignored or downplayed my intuition and discomfort with certain things, and instead of respecting my needs and ending our relationship, I stayed, somehow thinking things would improve, or I would learn to live "without" the silly stuff I wanted, like emotional connection and equal commitment to growing our relationship. Ultimately, he cheated on me and left me for someone else. Ugh! I am so sorry that happened to you. That's terrible. But thank you for sharing the "extended version", the "what might have been". I knew we were not going down a happy path. So, again, I'm sorry things ended this way but I really do commend you for your strength and self-protection. Thank you again. I appreciate it.
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