Something my boyfriend said struck me very weird

[Ruby Slippers]

This afternoon I was on the phone with my boyfriend, who's out of town dealing with some family matters. He was talking about his dad's snoring, saying that his mom sometimes sleeps on the couch it's so bad. I was poking fun at him for inheriting his dad's snoring gene, and was playing around and said his dad should sleep on the couch, since he's the one snoring.

 

Then, in all seriousness, my boyfriend says, "Well, she should sleep on the couch because it's his house."

 

Now, his parents have been married for over 35 years, and they built everything up together. They got married right after college, and neither of them had much of anything at the time. The parents raised the kids pretty equally, and the mom worked as a teacher, mainly to provide the health insurance and benefits for the family that would have been very expensive for his father to provide, as he started his own business at home. They didn't need her second income, but they definitely needed the benefits package, and an extra income certainly never hurts.

 

As I see it, there is no question his parents contributed equally to the payments, improvements, and accumulation of belongings in their house, and the house is obviously theirs together. His dad earned more, but it seems evident that overall they contributed resources, time, and energy to the marriage, family, and house equally. He even told me his parents were up almost all night together working on closing one of his dad's deals.

 

My boyfriend went on to say that if they ever got divorced, his dad would get the house, as it's his. I laughed and told him I think he's sorely mistaken, as at the very least, his mom would be awarded half of their shared assets.

 

One of my main problems with this guy is I don't really feel close to him, even though we have been together for almost two years. I don't feel that we're building toward something together. He's got very tight boundaries, and everything is very much his or mine.

 

I find it absurd that he would even suggest his parents' house belongs only to his father because he was the primary breadwinner. I'm like, sheesh, what would a couple have to do for him to consider it theirs?! What is his mom, a tenant? A squatter?

 

It seems to me that he doesn't even see a 35+ year marriage as a real partnership. No wonder I feel so lonely with him.

[Grace68]

My ex husband used to say, "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine." He didn't say that until after we were married. Had he said that while we were dating, we never would've gotten married! Your guy has the wrong attitude and if you feel lonely, I think I'd rethink your relationship and possibly move on. Good luck!

[EYECANDY000]

Im just wondering why you are still with him and letting it drag on , if you dont feel close to him anymore?

[porter218]

Yuck, what a loser. I wouldn't be able to feel close to someone who had that thought process either. Maybe you are wasting your time with him...I don't think he will make a good H.

[Grrlish]

Divorce and ownership issues by state aside:

 

Unless his mom has agreed that the house is his dad's, then the house belongs to them both. Even if she never worked outside the home a day in her life, the house belongs to them both.

 

Your boyfriend has problems in that regard, and it sounds like if you ever married him that you better count on him being the boss and him thinking like Grace68's ex-husband: "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine."

 

EyeCandy's question is one to consider:

 

If you still don't feel close to him after two years and you don't feel that the two of you are building toward something together, what are you doing with him? Or is that okay with you?

 

You wrote:

 

"He's got very tight boundaries, and everything is very much his or mine."

 

Sounds like he has some pretty solid ideas of how things are for him in regard to money and personal possessions, and I wouldn't count on those attitudes changing. If you two were working towards something together and talking in 'we' and 'our' language, it might...might...be different.

 

I'm appalled that you feel lonely with him, and you're still with him.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks for all your input.

If you still don't feel close to him after two years and you don't feel that the two of you are building toward something together, what are you doing with him? Or is that okay with you?

 

I'm appalled that you feel lonely with him, and you're still with him.

We were long distance until 9 months ago, when he moved to my city. So it wasn't until recently that I began to get a real sense for how our relationship worked with us in frequent contact, in more normal circumstances. During the long-distance portion, it was all plane trips, vacation atmosphere, and adventuresome sex. I am realizing that now that he is here, things are not unfolding as I hoped they would, and overall the relationship is not making me happy.

 

I started seeing a counselor last month, and I am identifying the problems and talking to him about them. Honestly, I have been considering breaking up with him for a while, but if I do that, I want to make sure it's the right decision because I don't want to look back. I have let him know that I am approaching my breaking point. I am thinking it through long and hard.

 

He has been very responsive to the problems I have brought up. I am concerned we are ultimately just not compatible. I want something close, connected, and meaningful, and though he says otherwise, I don't get the impression he wants the same thing. My friends say it's obvious he's crazy about me, though, and there is the fact that he moved 500 miles away from his family, best friends, and bandmates of 15 years to be in the same city with me.

 

He called me a few hours after that first conversation and said he was wrong. He said I pointed out contradictions in what he was saying, and it made a lot of sense. He admitted that on one hand he said he wasn't taking anything away from his mom's contributions, but on the other, he obviously was giving more value to the one who earned more.

 

We have a lot of good things going for us, which makes it harder to walk away. Our physical and sexual connection is, well, exactly what I've been wanting all my life but have never had with anyone before him. He's an incredibly skilled lover and has a very healthy sexual appetite. I've had some sexual fantasies for years that finally came true with us. On this point, we are completely compatible. I am very attracted to him, and I love that he's a go-getter and a lot of fun. We are both musicians and songwriters, and that is a beautiful point of connection. He's not always so good with the verbal "feel-goods" (as he calls them), but he's written five quality songs about me and us. We are both highly adventurous, not afraid to take risks and blaze our own unique trails. It's definitely a fiery relationship.

 

It's good to hear your impressions. I have been turning everything over in my mind for weeks. Hearing what other people think is very helpful, so thanks.

[sweetbutcheeky]

Then, in all seriousness, my boyfriend says, "Well, she should sleep on the couch because it's his house."

 

Makes you wonder if you got married he would consider the house his ...

 

Also sounds like lack of respect for his mother. Hmm I wonder if he came to that conclusion on his own or it's something his father put in his head.

 

I would take it as a bad sign and a heads up for the future, time to get out.

[Angel1111]

It sounds like your relationship with him does have its positives....but, I will add this - your instincts about wanting to break up with him are probably correct. I can't tell you how many times I've done this, going against my instincts, and it was the wrong move every single time. Without exception. I think you could very well find yourself married to this man and then 5 yrs later feeling really miserable and stuck, and saying to someone, "I knew I shouldn't have married him. I wanted to break up with him even while we were dating. I should've know it wouldn't work out."

 

It's interesting what one comment can tell us about a person's mind-set isn't it? I think this will always be an issue between the two of you, plus his lack of regard for women. Regardless that he retracted what he said. That just sounds like he realized how bad it sounded and was trying to backpeddle.

 

Regardless of what sacrifices he has made to be in he same town as you, obligation isn't a reason to stay with someone. You're disappointed in this relationship so please don't discount that or not take it seriously. And if him moving there was to see how things would be between you, then you're getting that picture. It's just not the picture you expected. And, this may surprise you, but most people who are in cold or abusive relationships (not that yours is abusive - just an example), they usually have great sex. The reason for that is probably because that's the only place they will allow themselves to open up and be expressive. It's that safe place, and it's also the hook, the thing that keeps them stuck in a relationship they wouldn't be in otherwise.

[BUENG1]

This afternoon I was on the phone with my boyfriend, who's out of town dealing with some family matters. He was talking about his dad's snoring, saying that his mom sometimes sleeps on the couch it's so bad. I was poking fun at him for inheriting his dad's snoring gene, and was playing around and said his dad should sleep on the couch, since he's the one snoring.

 

Then, in all seriousness, my boyfriend says, "Well, she should sleep on the couch because it's his house."

 

Now, his parents have been married for over 35 years, and they built everything up together. They got married right after college, and neither of them had much of anything at the time. The parents raised the kids pretty equally, and the mom worked as a teacher, mainly to provide the health insurance and benefits for the family that would have been very expensive for his father to provide, as he started his own business at home. They didn't need her second income, but they definitely needed the benefits package, and an extra income certainly never hurts.

 

As I see it, there is no question his parents contributed equally to the payments, improvements, and accumulation of belongings in their house, and the house is obviously theirs together. His dad earned more, but it seems evident that overall they contributed resources, time, and energy to the marriage, family, and house equally. He even told me his parents were up almost all night together working on closing one of his dad's deals.

 

My boyfriend went on to say that if they ever got divorced, his dad would get the house, as it's his. I laughed and told him I think he's sorely mistaken, as at the very least, his mom would be awarded half of their shared assets.

 

One of my main problems with this guy is I don't really feel close to him, even though we have been together for almost two years. I don't feel that we're building toward something together. He's got very tight boundaries, and everything is very much his or mine.

 

I find it absurd that he would even suggest his parents' house belongs only to his father because he was the primary breadwinner. I'm like, sheesh, what would a couple have to do for him to consider it theirs?! What is his mom, a tenant? A squatter?

 

It seems to me that he doesn't even see a 35+ year marriage as a real partnership. No wonder I feel so lonely with him.

 

Does he get along with his mother? Maybe he and his mother don't get along, maybe he doesn't have alot of respect for his mother? I dont know.

[Gemini0525]

...your instincts about wanting to break up with him are probably correct. I can't tell you how many times I've done this, going against my instincts, and it was the wrong move every single time. Without exception.

 

And, this may surprise you, but most people who are in cold or abusive relationships (not that yours is abusive - just an example), they usually have great sex. The reason for that is probably because that's the only place they will allow themselves to open up and be expressive. It's that safe place, and it's also the hook, the thing that keeps them stuck in a relationship they wouldn't be in otherwise.

 

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE... and been there, done that. TRUST your instincts.

 

IMO, you also have to put it in perspective. You CAN have great sex with someone else... without having to deal with any misogynistic bs.

[Ruby Slippers]

He definitely has never struck me as anti-female in any way. In fact, he seems to be the most liberated of all the men I've dated. He and his mom have a good relationship, and he has a high opinion of her (without being a mama's boy). His family is definitely patriarchal (as most from that generation), but his mom is smart and active, and his dad adores her and treats her like a queen. He has tremendous respect for his younger sister, who's very accomplished and successful, a VP at 28 making more money than she knows what to do with. He sees both of them as strong-minded and accomplished, and respects them for it.

 

He has always treated me as an equal and contributes a lot to cleaning, dishes, and all those things that a lot of men don't like to do. I was at his family's last Thanksgiving, and he did way more to help set the table and clean up than any other guy there. In fact, he was really the only guy helping. He has never expressed any of the attitudes that I have seen in a lot of other men, about women who enjoy sex and have a lot of it being "slutty". He says if a woman enjoys sex and has a lot of it, more power to her, and it's sincere. He's a very generous lover, and though he is not submissive in bed, he puts my pleasure above his.

 

He does tend to look at things very literally. He told me he was thinking of the house as belonging to his dad because money from his dad's income was used for the down payment and the mortgage payments. He said his mom's income is minimal compared to his dad's, and it's always been used for extras, not basic expenses and bills. I have realized that he tends to see a lot of things in black and white. The flip side of this hyper-realism is that he is very honest and forthright.

 

I had a dream last night that I broke up with him. And though it felt very sad, I also felt relieved. I know that things will be easier overall if I break up with him. But that has always been true for me. I do very well single and can get a lot done without the distraction of a man. Of course, I gravitate toward a relationship for all the good things about it. I feel that it is building toward that point. The good news is we agreed he would get his own place when he moved here, so I won't have to deal with any logistical tangles if I do break up with him. I have at least learned SOMETHING from my history of failed relationships!

 

But he has told me that he wants to go to couples counseling, or an individual counselor on his own, because he wants nothing more than to make me happy and he wants to do whatever he can to make this work. He has told me that he's aware he is somewhat emotionally immature, but says he doesn't want to lose me because he still has things to learn. He is very responsive when I tell him what I need. I'm just tired of having to spell out what I consider to be the obvious all the time. My old counselor was very big on asking for what you need, down to the last detail if necessary. My new one is more of the mindset that you don't want to spend too much energy having to train your man like a pet.

 

Thanks again for the feedback. I will keep you all posted on how things progress from here.

[lovestruck818]

This afternoon I was on the phone with my boyfriend, who's out of town dealing with some family matters. He was talking about his dad's snoring, saying that his mom sometimes sleeps on the couch it's so bad. I was poking fun at him for inheriting his dad's snoring gene, and was playing around and said his dad should sleep on the couch, since he's the one snoring.

 

Then, in all seriousness, my boyfriend says, "Well, she should sleep on the couch because it's his house."

 

Now, his parents have been married for over 35 years, and they built everything up together. They got married right after college, and neither of them had much of anything at the time. The parents raised the kids pretty equally, and the mom worked as a teacher, mainly to provide the health insurance and benefits for the family that would have been very expensive for his father to provide, as he started his own business at home. They didn't need her second income, but they definitely needed the benefits package, and an extra income certainly never hurts.

 

As I see it, there is no question his parents contributed equally to the payments, improvements, and accumulation of belongings in their house, and the house is obviously theirs together. His dad earned more, but it seems evident that overall they contributed resources, time, and energy to the marriage, family, and house equally. He even told me his parents were up almost all night together working on closing one of his dad's deals.

 

My boyfriend went on to say that if they ever got divorced, his dad would get the house, as it's his. I laughed and told him I think he's sorely mistaken, as at the very least, his mom would be awarded half of their shared assets.

 

One of my main problems with this guy is I don't really feel close to him, even though we have been together for almost two years. I don't feel that we're building toward something together. He's got very tight boundaries, and everything is very much his or mine.

 

I find it absurd that he would even suggest his parents' house belongs only to his father because he was the primary breadwinner. I'm like, sheesh, what would a couple have to do for him to consider it theirs?! What is his mom, a tenant? A squatter?

 

It seems to me that he doesn't even see a 35+ year marriage as a real partnership. No wonder I feel so lonely with him.

 

It depends whose name the house is in when they bought it...

[Angel1111]

You CAN have great sex with someone else... without having to deal with any misogynistic bs.

 

Absolutely!

[Art_Critic]

I guess you got a glimpse into what he would feel if you both were married.. it would be his house.

 

His way of thinking is just plain wrong and not even close to being the truth in the matter of his parents marriage but he still feels that way because he wants to believe that his father is the boss of the household and makes all the rules..

 

I guess you can see how your future with him will be when it comes to those type of issues...

[I love chocolate]

I find it a bit offensive that they find her teaching job just a little side job to get healthcare. She works just as hard if not harder than a teacher than her husband. Just because he makes more doesn't mean he works harder. She has the most important job - teaching our youth and preparing them for life!

As far as the house, even if it is just in your dad's name, if they got divorced, she would still probably get half or he'd have to buy her out. They both contributed to the marriage and she lives there, it is her house, too.

Sorry, your boyfriend sounds kind of sexist.

[imbewildered]

 

But he has told me that he wants to go to couples counseling, or an individual counselor on his own, because he wants nothing more than to make me happy and he wants to do whatever he can to make this work.

 

The quote above is what you need to appreciate. He is willing to take action to create a life with you that "makes you happy".

THis guy has way more positives that negatives. His attitude to his father's "ownership " of the house was all wrong, legally, BUT he admitted and accepted he got it wrong. Any man or women cannot do more that admit their error like that.

 

Ignore all the harpies on this forum who are telling you to break up. They know diddily about men and how we think and why we think the way that we do.

THis guy might have tight boundaries, but guys like this are clear about what they believe, and what they want out of life and who they want to be in relationships with.

HE will be honest and direct sometimes to the point of bluntness and he may not be always the most diplomatic person in your social circle HOWEVER guys like this are ROCKS when you need them. Show some appreciation for who and what you have got in this man.

Good luck.

 

( BTW if he is into deepsea diving, he is the buddy I would want by my side 200 feet below)

[I love chocolate]

I'm not saying to break up with him or anything yet but I disagree with imbewildered. I think there are definite warning signs. He tried to backpedal as someone said, after the fact. Luckily she has time to sort those things out.

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess you got a glimpse into what he would feel if you both were married.. it would be his house.

We talked about that, and he said if we get a house together, he will consider it ours. I have this dream of helping to design a house of my own someday, and he has said to me, "I'm going to get you that house." In talking about it further, I realized he expected to pay for it 100%. I explained that I never expected him to BUY me a house. I mean, that would cool, but let's be realistic. I expected that, if we lived together, we would both contribute to the down payment and mortgage.

 

I think that traditional provider model is pretty ingrained in him. He prefers to pay for dates and things we do together, and I can tell he feels much more like "the man" when he has lots of money to spend on me and us. And he's generous when he does. When money's tight, it puts a visible strain on him and really troubles him.

 

I find it a bit offensive that they find her teaching job just a little side job to get healthcare. She works just as hard if not harder than a teacher than her husband. Just because he makes more doesn't mean he works harder. She has the most important job - teaching our youth and preparing them for life!

I totally agree that it's offensive. She's not just a teacher, either. She's now the head of her department, and she has started all kinds of great programs. The school she teaches at, and her department specifically, has won tons of awards for quality of education. And he has told me that she helps his father with his business all the time, in much more than just a superficial way.

 

THis guy might have tight boundaries, but guys like this are clear about what they believe, and what they want out of life and who they want to be in relationships with.

For the most part that's true, though he has a history of getting into relationships and then losing interest and only half-heartedly committing. I have been wondering if he's a commitment phobe or he's just not that into me, as he can run hot and cold. He has told me many stories about going along with what the girl wanted just to get her off his back. Of course, I'm "the love of his life" -- supposedly different. Maybe that's what he tells himself every time, till he loses interest again.

 

HOWEVER guys like this are ROCKS when you need them.

Again, for the most part, yes. But there have been a few key times when I really needed him and he wasn't there for me. He later said it was due to fear and uncertainty about how to be there for me emotionally and show compassion. Sounds like a lame excuse to me. I have never not been there for someone I cared about because I was afraid.

 

I know I'm writing a book. This is my Internet therapy.

 

Tonight's call was rich.

 

He's in his hometown for a few days for a family member's surgery, and at the hospital, his sister told him why she just broke up with her boyfriend of a year. He said the similarities between their problems and ours were "eerily similar" and he said in listening to her echo so many of my complaints about lack of closeness, things really clicked, and he realized "he has had his head up his butt". He then asked me if I wanted to get together every night this coming weekend and week at one of our places to spend time together and watch the Olympics. I asked him why he suddenly wants to see me every day of the week, when we usually see each other 3-4 days a week.

 

This guy really does not know how to talk to a girl. He said, "I haven't been doing my boyfriendly duties."

 

DUTIES? Spending time with me is a DUTY?

 

He went on to say that he was afraid he was on the brink of losing me and he couldn't let that happen.

 

Hmmm, I haven't heard the part yet where he wants to spend time with me because, you know, HE LIKES TO SPEND TIME WITH ME.

 

WTF? He seems to be digging himself deeper and deeper. I'm starting to almost... feel sorry for him. And that's a terrible feeling to have for someone you used to respect and admire so much. I think he's feeling worked up and freaked out and that's making him say ever-stupider things. It's getting stickier and stickier. Thank goodness I see my counselor next week.

 

You know, I almost just deleted this whole long blather. But it helps to type it all out. It helps me to see how absurd some of the things he says are. It helps keep me from just brushing it under the rug, as I have been doing for so long. I guess phenomenal sex will do a lot to cloud your thinking.

[I love chocolate]

The good thing is you aren't married yet and have a clear head and time to think.

Good for you.

[Gemini0525]

The quote above is what you need to appreciate. He is willing to take action to create a life with you that "makes you happy".

THis guy has way more positives that negatives. His attitude to his father's "ownership " of the house was all wrong, legally, BUT he admitted and accepted he got it wrong. Any man or women cannot do more that admit their error like that.

 

Ignore all the harpies on this forum who are telling you to break up. They know diddily about men and how we think and why we think the way that we do.

THis guy might have tight boundaries, but guys like this are clear about what they believe, and what they want out of life and who they want to be in relationships with.

HE will be honest and direct sometimes to the point of bluntness and he may not be always the most diplomatic person in your social circle HOWEVER guys like this are ROCKS when you need them. Show some appreciation for who and what you have got in this man.

Good luck.

 

( BTW if he is into deepsea diving, he is the buddy I would want by my side 200 feet below)

 

LOL... harpies.

 

I think most people love happy endings (not just the massage-type LOL), and don't lightly advise others to end relationships that are worth saving.

 

She asked for advice and people generously give but she will make her own decision about where this relationship is going.

 

I understand what you're saying about him being direct and blunt. That's the way he is. Nothing wrong with it. However, this type of man may not be the right one for HER type of personality. She NEEDS to hear him say that he ENJOYS spending time with her, that he WANTS to be with her.

[Ruby Slippers]

And I appreciate the frank opinions and advice. In almost all my serious relationships, I have left, and I just want to make sure it's truly the right thing to do this time before I do it again. I do think he loves me and cares about me. I just think maybe it comes down to very different personalities. He's an extrovert; I'm an introvert. He's blunt and direct; I'm sensitive and subtle. He's realistic and pragmatic; I'm a dreamer. While in some areas this provides good balance, in others it causes pretty harsh discord.

 

I am talking to my counselor on Thursday. She's really smart and to the point, and I always feel much more clear about things after I see her.

[A.G.Doren]

Thanks for all your input.

 

We were long distance until 9 months ago, when he moved to my city. So it wasn't until recently that I began to get a real sense for how our relationship worked with us in frequent contact, in more normal circumstances. During the long-distance portion, it was all plane trips, vacation atmosphere, and adventuresome sex. I am realizing that now that he is here, things are not unfolding as I hoped they would, and overall the relationship is not making me happy.

 

I started seeing a counselor last month, and I am identifying the problems and talking to him about them. Honestly, I have been considering breaking up with him for a while, but if I do that, I want to make sure it's the right decision because I don't want to look back. I have let him know that I am approaching my breaking point. I am thinking it through long and hard.

 

He has been very responsive to the problems I have brought up. I am concerned we are ultimately just not compatible. I want something close, connected, and meaningful, and though he says otherwise, I don't get the impression he wants the same thing. My friends say it's obvious he's crazy about me, though, and there is the fact that he moved 500 miles away from his family, best friends, and bandmates of 15 years to be in the same city with me.

 

He called me a few hours after that first conversation and said he was wrong. He said I pointed out contradictions in what he was saying, and it made a lot of sense. He admitted that on one hand he said he wasn't taking anything away from his mom's contributions, but on the other, he obviously was giving more value to the one who earned more.

 

We have a lot of good things going for us, which makes it harder to walk away. Our physical and sexual connection is, well, exactly what I've been wanting all my life but have never had with anyone before him. He's an incredibly skilled lover and has a very healthy sexual appetite. I've had some sexual fantasies for years that finally came true with us. On this point, we are completely compatible. I am very attracted to him, and I love that he's a go-getter and a lot of fun. We are both musicians and songwriters, and that is a beautiful point of connection. He's not always so good with the verbal "feel-goods" (as he calls them), but he's written five quality songs about me and us. We are both highly adventurous, not afraid to take risks and blaze our own unique trails. It's definitely a fiery relationship.

 

It's good to hear your impressions. I have been turning everything over in my mind for weeks. Hearing what other people think is very helpful, so thanks.

 

 

He moved 500 miles so he's definitely serious suggests couples counseling before giving up.

[Ruby Slippers]

I saw my counselor today. She said, basically, that it seems to her a case of too little, too late. Sadly, I think she's right. I think I've gone so long feeling underappreciated and emotionally neglected that I've already thrown my cards down on the table and am now just going through the motions.

 

He's been stepping up lately, but it's not doing much to win me over because I think I've gotten used to the idea that he's not the one and he can't really deliver. I gave him plenty of time and opportunity to connect with me, and he didn't come through. He has a habit of stepping up at the very last minute, and I am just sick of that. I want my man to step up because he loves me and is inspired to do it, not because he's struck with fear that I might leave. I have noticed, though, that this is his pattern in every area of life. He doesn't really act until he has to. Once he acts, he's amazing, but he will push it to the last minute. I don't really have much respect for that way of being. It certainly doesn't give me a sense of security with him -- at ALL.

 

So, I am taking the weekend to think about and hopefully make a decision. We were supposed to do a lot of stuff this weekend, but I cancelled it all and told him I needed the time to myself. Of course, he laid it on thick and asked for the chance to really step up once and for all. I told him he's had two years, eight months of that living in the same city, to step up. I deserve so much better than this.

 

I know what everything is pointing toward. I guess I am just trying on the idea seriously and making sure it is the right one before I act. I am trying to begin to let go of the things I love about him. If anyone has any words of wisdom or support, I'd appreciate it about now.

[Ruby Slippers]

Update:

 

I met him last night on the beach with the intention of breaking up with him. I said I didn't want to be with him anymore, and gave him a summary of the reasons why, which I had written down. Well, he had his own piece of paper full of notes, which he asked if he could share with me.

 

He said since moving here, he has been "neglectful, lazy, irresponsible, noncommunicative, and unappreciative." He said, "Dreams have never come true for me, perhaps because I have never let them due to fear. You are a dream, and I want this one to come true."

 

He said he has experienced a lot of pain in love and as a result has trained himself not to feel too deeply. He admitted he is afraid. "What are you afraid of?" I asked. "The unknown," he said. He said he doesn't think I would do anything bad to him and he trusts me, but he is scared that if he makes himself vulnerable to me, I might leave him, try to manipulate him, or cheat on him -- all things he has experienced in relationships in the past. His first serious girlfriend cheated on him, and he had one particularly bad relationship in which the girl was definitely verbally abusive and extremely manipulative.

 

I reassured him that I am a wonderful girlfriend and a person with integrity and values who has never done any of those things in relationships, no matter how bad they got, and I certainly won't do them to him.

 

He said, "I want to marry you. I want to have a family with you." He said he can't imagine a better wife and mother than me. He said he is "madly in love" with me and can't imagine his life without me.

 

I asked him how he intends to address all the problems I brought up. We went through them point by point, and he told me what he plans to do. He said he wants to see me every day. There were many more, but that is the most striking one. I said I don't want to be the woman he takes for granted and doesn't appreciate. He said he doesn't intend to do that anymore.

 

I told him I do not respect his habit of waiting till the absolute breaking point before taking action. He is an amazing guy when he puts forth the effort to get the job done, but he has a bad habit of procrastinating and putting things off till the last minute, and not just with me. He said he knows, and he intends to work on that. This guy can do anything he wants; sometimes he just seems to lack the will or drive.

 

I thought it over and decided to give him one last chance. I gave him two weeks. We've come this far. Two weeks is worth my time.

 

Then he invited me out to dinner, and he was sweet and lovey the whole night. We had a very steamy night (and morning), and he did a lot of thoughtful things for me. He brought up weekend plans and offered to help me with some errands and house projects at the house I'll be moving into in September. Oh, he also talked last night about a potential timeline for moving in together, and told me he loves this city and is leaning toward wanting to get a house with me here someday, as opposed to other cities we have discussed.

 

Of course I am still somewhat skeptical, but I am being self-protective while also allowing the feelings in and evaluating his actions honestly. The romantic in me thinks that if he really loved me, he would have been doing the right thing all along. But I know the move, quitting his band, the job search, and the adjustments have not been easy on him. I know he has the capability to be an amazing boyfriend -- we'll see if his drive sticks.

[D-Jam]

Ruby Slippers, I wouldn't worry too much on this but bear in mind that your boyfriend is of an old school logic where the man is the king and owner of the household, and everyone is under him...even the wife. Bear that in mind if you marry him that he will think that way of you and everything.

 

I'm also surprised that if things are so bad with you two...that it took you two years to get to a point of ending it.

 

It sounds like he is more traditional and you're more modern. No worries on it...but I suggest then you find a more liberal guy who wants a partnership and not to dominate you. Also bear in mind not to get all "I wish he would just take the lead as opposed to making me an equal" in things.

 

You can't have it both ways changing on what your mood is.