vonerik012 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 If I go on 3 dates with a woman, I am very interested. It is hard for me to believe that men would go on 3 dates with a woman and not also be very interested. Having said that, I would feel pretty good if she called and suggested we do something. if that would turn a guy off after 3 dates, I would think he is somewhat strange.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I think it's because he told you he often felt smothered in relationships. To me, that is a guy who needs a LOT of personal space and time (like LB said). Which is fine - just not convinced that little of contact will match your relationship goals. Well, he didn't say that he feels smothered in relationships. He said he felt smothered in his last relationship. He gave the example of, "I'll call you later" and her calling back in 2-3 hours saying, "Dude, why haven't you called me?" Even I know that's smothering. Pull way back = make him a back burner guy, and not a top option. Keep dating others, and don't make him the focus. And do not initiate ANY kind of communication, or dates. That advice is identical to my gal pal I refer to as "Coach," for a very good reason... Let me add, SG - it seems that when we (general) feel like we are losing someone or their interest is not there, that's when we start getting anxious and making more overtures. Always best to hang back and see how they behave... Yeah, I've got anxiety. Okay, pull back time.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 What really and honestly makes you happy Star? What do you want in a relationship? Do you really want a guy who's fiercely independent and pushes you away when he feels like it? Or do you want a guy who wants to be with you? How much space do you need?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 What really and honestly makes you happy Star? What do you want in a relationship? Do you really want a guy who's fiercely independent and pushes you away when he feels like it? Or do you want a guy who wants to be with you? How much space do you need? I want an independent guy who holds me close, doesn't run, and communicates and plans to make sure he gets to see me. A guy who knows I'm not going to latch on and suck away his freedom.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I want an independent guy who holds me close, doesn't run, and communicates and plans to make sure he gets to see me. A guy who knows I'm not going to latch on and suck away his freedom. Is this the impression this guy is giving you?
Jilly Bean Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Well, he didn't say that he feels smothered in relationships. He said he felt smothered in his last relationship. He gave the example of, "I'll call you later" and her calling back in 2-3 hours saying, "Dude, why haven't you called me?" Even I know that's smothering. Oh, ok, gotcha. Well, he could still be smarting from that, and therefore pulling back himself. I'd really let this one make the moves. - Coach, Part Deux
You'reasian Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I'm asking this question because I DO ask men out. It usually ends shortly after I do, oddly enough. Why?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Is this the impression this guy is giving you? After three dates, I find it difficult to tell.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 After three dates, I find it difficult to tell. Then relax and see how it goes. Don't change yourself to accommodate him. Do what feels natural for you. Having said that, if he withdraws, pull back instead of chasing him. I'm going to throw a thought your way. Are you certain you don't need someone who needs you, if only a little bit?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I'm going to throw a thought your way. Are you certain you don't need someone who needs you, if only a little bit? I absolutely do. I want an independent man who still needs me a little bit.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I absolutely do. I want an independent man who still needs me a little bit. Okay, now we're getting somewhere! What does the phrase "independent man" mean to you?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Okay, now we're getting somewhere! What does the phrase "independent man" mean to you? Self-reliant. Confident. Takes care of his own sh*t. Is equally comfortable being alone and single as he is in a relationship (this is assuming he hasn't met ME of course! ). Would rather be alone than in a less-than-almost-perfect relationship. The independent man who also needs me a little bit is all of the above, but after meeting me realizes that his life is that much sweeter with me in it, and therefore doesn't want to let me go and will do what is necessary to keep me around. This new guy defines himself as independent. But I get the feeling you're about to tell me we have different definitions.
vonerik012 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Come on.... So you want a man to be independent (which means he does not need you), yet you also want him to need you. I know you have the perfect scenario and balance in your head, but that is not real life.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Self-reliant. Confident. Takes care of his own sh*t. Is equally comfortable being alone and single as he is in a relationship (this is assuming he hasn't met ME of course! ). Would rather be alone than in a less-than-almost-perfect relationship. The independent man who also needs me a little bit is all of the above, but after meeting me realizes that his life is that much sweeter with me in it, and therefore doesn't want to let me go and will do what is necessary to keep me around. This new guy defines himself as independent. But I get the feeling you're about to tell me we have different definitions. Haha...nope. I just wanted to pull out of you, what it is you need v. what you want. Okay, so with this foreknowledge, this is your yardstick. Watch his actions and words and make certain they're equal. Also, watch your actions and words and make certain that your needs are really needs and not wants. Lastly, are you able to bring to the table what you ask for? Can you prioritize him as highly as you need him to prioritize you?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Haha...nope. I just wanted to pull out of you, what it is you need v. what you want. Have you figured out the difference? Not sure I have! Okay, so with this foreknowledge, this is your yardstick. Watch his actions and words and make certain they're equal. Also, watch your actions and words and make certain that your needs are really needs and not wants. His "take it slow" words definitely match his "take it slow" actions. I'm not sure if my actions match my words. Lastly, are you able to bring to the table what you ask for? Can you prioritize him as highly as you need him to prioritize you? I know I can. I do every time, almost to the extent of becoming a doormat. Problem is, I always make them a priority, but I am not. He's made some certain comments here and there about a mutual friend of ours' relationship, which suggests when he's actually IN a relationship he's exactly what I want AND need. Getting there is what will be tricky. I'm almost certain I'll smother him, unintentionally.
Jilly Bean Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 He's made some certain comments here and there about a mutual friend of ours' relationship, which suggests when he's actually IN a relationship he's exactly what I want AND need. Getting there is what will be tricky. This is kinda what you did with the alcoholic guy. You were seeing only certain parts of him that led you to imagine a certain future, yet you were ignoring (for a bit of time) the reality in front of you. You know I love you, so please don't be upset by this, but you seem to fantasize about who a guy *could* be, rather than seeing who he actually is. It's like you have your ideals of what you want and need, and if you see glimmers of this in him, then you try and puzzle piece the rest of him into your mold. If you have to worry about "getting" a guy to fit your imagined outcome and anticipate it will be tricky, then IMO, he's not the right guy.
Carl Lomas Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Self-reliant. Confident. Takes care of his own sh*t. Is equally comfortable being alone and single as he is in a relationship (this is assuming he hasn't met ME of course! ). Would rather be alone than in a less-than-almost-perfect relationship. The independent man who also needs me a little bit is all of the above, but after meeting me realizes that his life is that much sweeter with me in it, and therefore doesn't want to let me go and will do what is necessary to keep me around. This new guy defines himself as independent. But I get the feeling you're about to tell me we have different definitions. Get with the programme sista:rolleyes: If you ever find that man then get him to a science lab to get him cloned *sheeeeeesh* *Veronic Salt* springs to mind
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Have you figured out the difference? Not sure I have! Surprisingly, yes I have. For me, a want is something negotiable where when I've bartered it away, there's no resentment; and a need if bartered away or dropped, continues to erode on me. His "take it slow" words definitely match his "take it slow" actions. I'm not sure if my actions match my words.Time to synchronize young lady or you'll send him mixed signals which can cause misunderstandings! I know I can. I do every time, almost to the extent of becoming a doormat. Problem is, I always make them a priority, but I am not.Do you feel that the more you put into this, the more you can make it right? If so, you have keep reining yourself in for taking complete control/responsibility for the relationship. You have to let these guys do some work or they won't appreciate what they have. He's made some certain comments here and there about a mutual friend of ours' relationship, which suggests when he's actually IN a relationship he's exactly what I want AND need. Getting there is what will be tricky. I'm almost certain I'll smother him, unintentionally. Okay, then I agree with Jill. Let this puppy do the ambulance chasing. Also, let's see if he knows what to do with it, when he catches it for a brief second! If he piddles on it, that's a good sign he's marking his territory. If he does the other thing, pedal to the metal and get the hell outta' there!
zicke Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Obviously you thought wrong, right? I'm asking this question because I DO ask men out. It usually ends shortly after I do, oddly enough. Because alpha males like to pursue. It's just the way it is. There will be men who are ok with that, but for the most part---men are the pursuers and women reciprocate the pursuit. Again, why not let him pursue you--then you don't have the anxiety and stuff of wondering if he is into you--cos you make the determination if his pursuit is something you want. Plus, you will know he wants to see you again. This isn't a race to see how many times you can see a man within a certain period of time.
Carl Lomas Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 All this worrying after 3 dates?????????? No wonder no one lasts long
vonerik012 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 lol Carl, Thats funny.. Reading some of the expectations women have is really entertaining. "He must be an independent guy until he meets me, then he will need me just a little, but still be independent, but still be there for me when I need him to be" lol Yet he also will ONLY be in almost perfect relationships. And we know how common those are. So are you wanting him to dump you as soon as things are not "almost perfect?"
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 This is kinda what you did with the alcoholic guy. You were seeing only certain parts of him that led you to imagine a certain future, yet you were ignoring (for a bit of time) the reality in front of you. You know I love you, so please don't be upset by this, but you seem to fantasize about who a guy *could* be, rather than seeing who he actually is. It's like you have your ideals of what you want and need, and if you see glimmers of this in him, then you try and puzzle piece the rest of him into your mold. If you have to worry about "getting" a guy to fit your imagined outcome and anticipate it will be tricky, then IMO, he's not the right guy. Nah, you're right on about that. I have a tendency to focus only on the good stuff.
Riley Freeman Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 my last girlfriend asked me out i didnt see anything wrong with it, she was the one who made the 1st move before i noticed her
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Surprisingly, yes I have. For me, a want is something negotiable where when I've bartered it away, there's no resentment; and a need if bartered away or dropped, continues to erode on me. Okay, I see that. Time to synchronize young lady or you'll send him mixed signals which can cause misunderstandings! Hmm. Well, I've never been accused of giving mixed signals. Okay, then I agree with Jill. Let this puppy do the ambulance chasing. Also, let's see if he knows what to do with it, when he catches it for a brief second! If he piddles on it, that's a good sign he's marking his territory. If he does the other thing, pedal to the metal and get the hell outta' there! I will, I will.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 All this worrying after 3 dates?????????? No wonder no one lasts long I'm not really worried about THIS particular guy as much as I am curious about the impact of asking a guy out and how that changes the "chasing" dynamic.
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