Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 This is what I'm looking for: A somewhat of an Alpha Male who will go after what he wants, but also isn't spooked or bugged when a woman asks him out on occasion. Does this man exist? And if a guy does get spooked from me asking him out (for a 4th date when he's done the asking up until that point), should I just consider it his loss, not mine? Or would you say my invitation was a mistake? Keep in mind the guy in question is a true gentleman, and has made it clear that he likes to take his time when dating someone new. That may or may not mean that he doesn't want to be asked out, because I suppose he could see that as pressure. But seriously, do I have to sit here and wait for the dude to make all the moves? Situations like this make me wish I were the man...
Jilly Bean Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Is this a hypothetical, or are we talking about Mr. du Jour? Either way, if he doesn't like you asking him out after 3 dates he initiated, then he either isn't interested in a relationship with you, is content dating many women and likes to call the shots on his own schedule, or does want a relationship, and just has control issues.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I don't think there's a need to position yourself in anyway to be more appealing to anyone. Do what makes sense for you and let the chips fall where they may. When you position yourself according to appeal, will you both be happy with the outcome if it's not who you are?
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Define spooked ?.. what did he do ?... Maybe he is dating others and that is why he likes to take his time.. time to juggle multiples
Lauriebell82 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Hmm, depends on the type of rapport the two of you have built. If this is an actual situation then we can't really suggest what you do, because that's totally up to you. I would suggest a suttle invitation, nothing to big, maybe a hint of two. Example: "Hey I had a nice time that restaurant was awesome. I would love to go there again sometime, would you be interested?" That doesn't sound real forceful or that you are coming onto strong. If this guy gets weirded out by you suggesting something that he may just prefer that he do the asking, however I don't know if I'd be interested in dating someone like that, because then dates would kind of be alwasy like "his call, his choice" type deal.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Define spooked ?.. what did he do ?... Maybe he is dating others and that is why he likes to take his time.. time to juggle multiples Yeah, that actually crossed my mind as well. It has only been 3 dates, he may get a little intimated and think that is "relationship type" behavior.
vonerik012 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 After 3 dates are you at some very formal level in which things are not mutually suggested? If a man is interested he will be calling. There is no "taking it slow" to the majority of men WHEN they are interested. How good is your intuition? What makes you think you would be bugging him, spooking him, or pressuring him if you called?
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yeah, that actually crossed my mind as well. It has only been 3 dates, he may get a little intimated and think that is "relationship type" behavior. Yeah...Maybe her asking him out cut into the juggling act somewhat.. just a thought..
Lauriebell82 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yeah...Maybe her asking him out cut into the juggling act somewhat.. just a thought.. Yeah. I don't know if I'd ask a guy on a formal date until we were actually in a "dating type relationship" (where as in neither of us are dating others).
xpaperxcutx Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I don't understand why SG can't ask the guy out? Wasn't there a whole thread about why it shouldn't just be the guy who pays blah blah blah and most guys would love to see a girl ask out a guy once in a while? IF he's a true gentleman, he wouldn't go around juggling his chances and making SG run around in circles waiting for him to call. SG, you're those kind of woman who knows what she wants, but if sitting around waiting for him isn't in your repertoire, then why are you forcing yourself to be a certain way? TrailbyFire hit the mark when she said that you should just be yourself.
zicke Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 They must exist, cos I am dating one. Granted, I ask him out for every 7 or so he asks me out--but, he doesn't freak out about it. But, I also am not a big caller or phone person, so the only time he really gets to "talk" to me I guess is when we go out. I would wait til about date 7-8 to start asking a guy out. In the beginning, you just really need to be appreciative and reciprocal. It adds some anticipation--which is the fun part of initial dating. Slow down, there really is no hurry to get into a relationship with someone. Why not just enjoy their company for now and if something develops, then it will. Alpha males like to chase, don't take that away from him--besides, men fall for you in the spaces. It would be like giving him everything up front. Men like to build, fix, figure out, etc....let him.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 He has said that in previous relationships he felt smothered. He's also said that he likes to let time take its course, and not rush into anything. He keeps it all close to the vest. Is it really "relationship type behavior" to ask a guy out? Jeez, I'm in trouble!
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Is this a hypothetical, or are we talking about Mr. du Jour? Mr. du Jour? Who's that? I haven't talked about the new guy yet. Trying to avoid that... not working.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 He has said that in previous relationships he felt smothered. He's also said that he likes to let time take its course, and not rush into anything. He keeps it all close to the vest. Is it really "relationship type behavior" to ask a guy out? Jeez, I'm in trouble! Yeah, probably wouldn't be a good idea then if he says that he has felt "smothered." Men like that need their space, so he may feel like he is being forced to say yes or he needs time to take things slow. I mean this is 2008, women can ask men out, but certain men may be more receptive to that then others. You gotta pick your battles...
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I don't think there's a need to position yourself in anyway to be more appealing to anyone. Do what makes sense for you and let the chips fall where they may. When you position yourself according to appeal, will you both be happy with the outcome if it's not who you are? Yeah, yeah. But that's like saying, "So what if you're a controlling rude idiot? They should like you for who you are!" If I'm making a common mistake, I want to know.
vonerik012 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Alpha males like to chase, don't take that away from him--besides, men fall for you in the spaces. It would be like giving him everything up front. Men like to build, fix, figure out, etc....let him. I am not sure if men LIKE that, or if those are just the games we get stuck playing. If he is an "alpha male" or not, if he is interested, he would be glad you called. Trust me, men know within 5 minutes what role you could ever play in his life. Asking him out after 3 dates will not instantly make a man who was very attracted to you SUDDENLY not be attracted. If he is just a little attracted, then maybe it would. But do you want a man who is just a little attracted? I think your fate is sealed with this man no matter what you do. But you will not ruin everything by calling him. And yes, on the "Who pays" threads, you said you have no problem asking men out, and even paying for them. I kind of figured you just said that simply to try and win an argument.
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Is it really "relationship type behavior" to ask a guy out? Jeez, I'm in trouble! No it isn't SG.. Asking him out was just fine.. Geez.. what has the world come to when a hot chick can't ask the guy she has been dating out for a date ? If this spooked him... then rather it happen now because something else later on most definitely would have spooked him, and by then real feelings would be involved.
Trialbyfire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yeah, yeah. But that's like saying, "So what if you're a controlling rude idiot? They should like you for who you are!" If I'm making a common mistake, I want to know. If that's who the person is, how do you think it will play out when the relationship starts to happen and it comes as a shock? I sincerely believe in coming as you mean to go. If you're (generic you) not a giving person and you give just to get someone, then stop giving when you've bagged them, this doesn't work either.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 No it isn't SG.. Asking him out was just fine.. Geez.. what has the world come to when a hot chick can't ask the guy she has been dating out for a date ? If this spooked him... then rather it happen now because something else later on most definitely would have spooked him, and by then real feelings would be involved. I think it's more of the guy she is dealing with here. Guys who get smothered easily are not fun to be in relationships with. I dated this guy who couldn't even stand to spend 2 nights in a row with me because he "needed his space." We don't know this guy so we don't know how he will react. Go with your gut intuition.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 And yes, on the "Who pays" threads, you said you have no problem asking men out, and even paying for them. I kind of figured you just said that simply to try and win an argument. Obviously you thought wrong, right? I'm asking this question because I DO ask men out. It usually ends shortly after I do, oddly enough.
Jilly Bean Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Mr. du Jour? Who's that? I haven't talked about the new guy yet. Trying to avoid that... not working. LOL. I think the cat's out of the bag, hon. You know, just this morning, NO LIE, I was thinking LS has gotten boring lately. That we needed a SG story... And *poof*! I think his comment about feeling smothered speaks volumes. He sounds like another CP-type entirely. I'd pull way back, hon, as I'm not feeling that he is as relationship-minded as you are.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I think it's more of the guy she is dealing with here. Guys who get smothered easily are not fun to be in relationships with. I dated this guy who couldn't even stand to spend 2 nights in a row with me because he "needed his space." We don't know this guy so we don't know how he will react. Go with your gut intuition. These are the kind of guys that want the girl for the night but expect her to leave before he wakes up in the morning...
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 We don't know this guy so we don't know how he will react. Go with your gut intuition. I don't know him well enough either, that's why I'm asking for a general opinion. My gut intuition is always telling me bad things, even when it's good. I've learned I can't really trust it.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 LOL. I think the cat's out of the bag, hon. You know, just this morning, NO LIE, I was thinking LS has gotten boring lately. That we needed a SG story... And *poof*! I agree. Borrrring. (You're welcome.) I think his comment about feeling smothered speaks volumes. He sounds like another CP-type entirely. I'd pull way back, hon, as I'm not feeling that he is as relationship-minded as you are. Do you think that's because of the whole "slow moving" commentary? And WTF does "pull way back" mean? I never really know how to employ that tactic.
Jilly Bean Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Do you think that's because of the whole "slow moving" commentary? And WTF does "pull way back" mean? I never really know how to employ that tactic. I think it's because he told you he often felt smothered in relationships. To me, that is a guy who needs a LOT of personal space and time (like LB said). Which is fine - just not convinced that little of contact will match your relationship goals. Pull way back = make him a back burner guy, and not a top option. Keep dating others, and don't make him the focus. And do not initiate ANY kind of communication, or dates. Let me add, SG - it seems that when we (general) feel like we are losing someone or their interest is not there, that's when we start getting anxious and making more overtures. Always best to hang back and see how they behave...
Recommended Posts