AlanaSmithee Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Are there any MW here who are also OW and (at least somewhat) okay with that? Specifically MW with MM, who prefer that situation...I spent a bit of time perusing the forum, but didn't quite find anything with that slant. Of course, if I just didn't look hard enough, feel free to point me in the right direction. Thanks.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Are there any MW here who are also OW and (at least somewhat) okay with that? Specifically MW with MM, who prefer that situation...I spent a bit of time perusing the forum, but didn't quite find anything with that slant. Of course, if I just didn't look hard enough, feel free to point me in the right direction. Thanks. There are some scattered here and there. Most of them you don't want to know, as they are borderline mental. There are a few others who are very nice, but typically they are not super happy with the situation. Look up White Flower. She may fit your category from what I can recall. If that is your real name... delete your profile and create a new one with an alias. Also, if your just looking for the Yes Men types, who just agree with what you do and have no moral compass... your not going to find it with many here. If your looking for good advice on how to fix a mess, or get through something, there is lots of good advice to be found. Best of Luck.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 There are several, but alot of them don't post anymore. But you're right, this is the place. It's different now than it used to be. Be careful about posting TMI and clear your history on your computer. Also don't let LS automatically log you in. You never know who is watching. Welcome! GEL
LadyDi Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I am, (or at least I think that's what you mean, lol) if you don't want to talk on here, PM me.
noforgiveness Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 There are several, but alot of them don't post anymore. But you're right, this is the place. It's different now than it used to be. Be careful about posting TMI and clear your history on your computer. Also don't let LS automatically log you in. You never know who is watching. Welcome! GEL :laugh: Nice. Looks like you are in the right place when one of the first pieces of advice you get is how to keep on deceiving your husband without being caught. WOW.
Kamikaze Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Yes..... there are a few of us here. Probably more that do not post - but are lurking and will respond when needed. Kami
Author AlanaSmithee Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 If that is your real name... delete your profile and create a new one with an alias. Google "Alan Smithee" and you'll get a good chuckle. No interest in "yes" men or women, just curious who else was out there. (And I can see why lurking would be a popular activity.) I'll likely lurk a bit myself as well. Thanks to all of you for the welcome...even noforgiveness.
noforgiveness Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Google "Alan Smithee" and you'll get a good chuckle. No interest in "yes" men or women, just curious who else was out there. (And I can see why lurking would be a popular activity.) I'll likely lurk a bit myself as well. Thanks to all of you for the welcome...even noforgiveness. :laugh:Do you mind if I ask a question then? Why do you stay with your husband? Do you love him? How would you feel if you found out he had a thing on the side?
Author AlanaSmithee Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 Why do you stay with your husband? Do you love him? How would you feel if you found out he had a thing on the side? I do love my husband. We are a great team, very alike in many ways, and this is what keeps me around - he balances my personality in some aspects that I find I need and enjoy. The practical considerations factor in there, too, but they are a distant second. If I found out he had a "thing on the side" I would want to find out what his intentions were with the affair (did he want to leave? or similar) and then go from there. I would also want to make sure that he was being safe physically and emotionally. Are those the answers you were seeking?
noforgiveness Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I do love my husband. We are a great team, very alike in many ways, and this is what keeps me around - he balances my personality in some aspects that I find I need and enjoy. The practical considerations factor in there, too, but they are a distant second. If I found out he had a "thing on the side" I would want to find out what his intentions were with the affair (did he want to leave? or similar) and then go from there. I would also want to make sure that he was being safe physically and emotionally. Are those the answers you were seeking? Yes just trying to understand. Thank you for answering. Why the affair then?
Author AlanaSmithee Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 Why the affair then? In my case, the simple answer is that my husband's not a talker, being both introverted and having a preference for dulling his emotional responses by smoking pot. (We live in a place where 'personal use' amounts are decriminalized, so there's no legal issue.) When we were dating he made it clear to me that he wasn't going to give up his preferred form of escape, and from that point it was my choice as to how to deal with it. The part of me that needs the stimulation that comes from conversation and verbal interaction has to wait around for the times he feels chatty (usually after a few drinks) and hope for the best. Unfortunately, that kind of stimulation is very important to me - something I'm not willing to live without - so after trying a variety of things to push his boundaries a bit in that regard, I realized I had to figure out a way to get it on my own - no one can be everything to another person, after all. Around the time I started contemplating looking elsewhere, a friend of mine made it known that he was in similar straits in his marriage. We met platonically a few times, talked about the situation, and both made the conscious decision to go ahead, sex included. No fireworks, no "driven to," no drama, really. I understand the choice I've made, the potential consequences of that choice, and what it looks like to anyone on the outside looking in, and so does my lover. Not a story for an erotica website by a long shot, but there you have it.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 no one can be everything to another person, after all. You are right, it is impossible for spouses to reach every single need each have. But, that is what family and (women) friends are for. Support, conversations, fun. Looking for that need in another man IS dangerous.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 :laugh: Nice. Looks like you are in the right place when one of the first pieces of advice you get is how to keep on deceiving your husband without being caught. WOW. Oh yeah, that's what it's all about. I am inclined more to make sure that children who are on the computer don't accidentally find out more than they should know and can handle. And that the OP realizes there are "outfits" on the WWW who have nothing better to do than try and "out" OW in their community. (This includes giving out info in PM's. Just be careful what you put out there.) What's is that you pretend you're here to help when all you do is pick posts apart. For someone who's so happily reconciled, you'd never know. GEL
Author AlanaSmithee Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 But, that is what family and (women) friends are for. Support, conversations, fun. I am an only child and my parents are dead. You should come to the reunions, they're a hoot. My female friends are generally more interested in discussing their children, their shopping and their husbands' shortcomings than in the topics that intrigue me: politics & society, science, history, some sports. Some of the women I meet in the course of pursuing these interests are good companions, and have become friends with whom I have the requisite conversations and fun. (These are the minority, though; I find it very difficult to make new female friends once discussion turns away from the superficial.) But I'm sure some have noticed it's a "man's world" out there, and I've learned to speak with men on their level, which I enjoy and seek out as much as I can...I am more likely to feel I am talking to an equal this way, so this is what I choose. Assuming that a woman should have only female friends is a ridiculous false dichotomy that presumes that the only reason for male-female interaction is sex.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I am an only child and my parents are dead. You should come to the reunions, they're a hoot. My female friends are generally more interested in discussing their children, their shopping and their husbands' shortcomings than in the topics that intrigue me: politics & society, science, history, some sports. Some of the women I meet in the course of pursuing these interests are good companions, and have become friends with whom I have the requisite conversations and fun. (These are the minority, though; I find it very difficult to make new female friends once discussion turns away from the superficial.) But I'm sure some have noticed it's a "man's world" out there, and I've learned to speak with men on their level, which I enjoy and seek out as much as I can...I am more likely to feel I am talking to an equal this way, so this is what I choose. Assuming that a woman should have only female friends is a ridiculous false dichotomy that presumes that the only reason for male-female interaction is sex. It's a bit of a jump from conversation to sex. You say that there is more reason for male-female interaction than just that... yet you fail to maintain a platonic relationship. If you can't be honest with your husband... why are you with him? The idea that you can get what you want by using two men is self deception. I get a very strong sense that you resent him for not being what you want/need. Does that mean you deserve to have other men?
Mickey Blue Eyes Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 :laugh:Do you mind if I ask a question then? Why do you stay with your husband? Do you love him? How would you feel if you found out he had a thing on the side? I'm another MW/OW. I love my husband too - but I would not be too upset if my H got a toy. We're a great team - we're good parents, share mutal goals but lack in other areas. If someone can fill my void and his, it sounds like a win/win situation. And then I could dump my guilt.
Author AlanaSmithee Posted August 9, 2008 Author Posted August 9, 2008 It's a bit of a jump from conversation to sex. You say that there is more reason for male-female interaction than just that... yet you fail to maintain a platonic relationship. I said that sex wasn't the only reason for male-female interaction. I never claimed it wasn't a factor. And if one is aroused when one's mind is stimulated (other than visually), it most certainly is not a jump from conversation to sex. This is why literary erotica exists (among other things). I do not fail to maintain a platonic relationship with this man - I choose not to. I have other friendships with men that are so platonic they wear togas. If you can't be honest with your husband... why are you with him? Because I choose to be. The idea that you can get what you want by using two men is self deception. I'm curious about this - how so? I get a very strong sense that you resent him for not being what you want/need. Does that mean you deserve to have other men? I believe this is known as projection. I bear neither grudges nor resentment towards my husband - he is who he chooses to be, as are we all.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I said that sex wasn't the only reason for male-female interaction. I never claimed it wasn't a factor. And if one is aroused when one's mind is stimulated (other than visually), it most certainly is not a jump from conversation to sex. This is why literary erotica exists (among other things). I do not fail to maintain a platonic relationship with this man - I choose not to. I have other friendships with men that are so platonic they wear togas. Your earlier justification is that your husband doesnt like to talk, so you found someone who does. So, by this I assume your husband doesnt like sex as well? Believe me, I fully understand that an affair is completely your choice. Just as getting married is a choice. I'm curious about this - how so? For multiple reasons. I've been there, and bouncing between two different people is stressful and draining. Maybe your different. I believe this is known as projection. I bear neither grudges nor resentment towards my husband - he is who he chooses to be, as are we all. No, that's not projection. It's me reading the tone and diction you use when talking about him. Bottom line. Explain how you can justify lieing to your husband about this. If you were open and honest about things... I could understand better where your coming from.
Agent_99 Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 I am an only child and my parents are dead. You should come to the reunions, they're a hoot. My female friends are generally more interested in discussing their children, their shopping and their husbands' shortcomings than in the topics that intrigue me: politics & society, science, history, some sports. Some of the women I meet in the course of pursuing these interests are good companions, and have become friends with whom I have the requisite conversations and fun. (These are the minority, though; I find it very difficult to make new female friends once discussion turns away from the superficial.) But I'm sure some have noticed it's a "man's world" out there, and I've learned to speak with men on their level, which I enjoy and seek out as much as I can...I am more likely to feel I am talking to an equal this way, so this is what I choose. Assuming that a woman should have only female friends is a ridiculous false dichotomy that presumes that the only reason for male-female interaction is sex. I'm being somewhat facesious, but seriouly there are some good lesbian discussion groups in most places. Believe me that you better go with your brains on. I was married at the start of my A, but ended up ending the marriage. There was a period of a couple years where my hubby and I had a sort of open marriage. He was comfortable with me dating women. We did this because there were certain things that he could not fullfill for me in our marriage. That was how I knew when I was hiding a relationship with a woman from him that it was time for him and I to have some serious discussions about our M. ~99
Author AlanaSmithee Posted August 9, 2008 Author Posted August 9, 2008 Your earlier justification is that your husband doesnt like to talk, so you found someone who does. So, by this I assume your husband doesnt like sex as well? <snip> for brevity No, that's not projection. It's me reading the tone and diction you use when talking about him. Bottom line. Explain how you can justify lieing to your husband about this. If you were open and honest about things... I could understand better where your coming from. He does not have what most would consider an average sex drive for a man his age, no. Once a week or so (often less) and he's quite content. Hmm...my tone and diction? I believe you'll find that neither of those are best communicated via writing, and as I have neither levelled insults against him nor stated anything in a way other than matter-of-factly, I stand by my assertion that you're projecting your own feelings or point of view onto what I have said. As for my "diction," I write in a fairly formal, gramatically-correct style...not the norm for teh intertoobs, I realize, but it's the way I write. If it's leet-speak you're after, you'll not find it in my posts. Bottom line: Thank you for your concern, but no, I will not "justify" anything to you, or to anyone else for that matter. I don't require you to understand where I'm coming from - frankly, I don't believe there's anything I could say that would accomplish that feat. What my husband does or does not do isn't "justification" for anything I've done - I provided an explanation of what led me to make the choices I've made, because I was asked "why the affair?" Amazing as it may sound, I did not come here seeking "justification" or any sort of free moral pass for my behavior, a sort of "safety in numbers" gambit. I wanted to see what the experiences of others who've done the same thing have been, and I can see why they have not been terribly forthcoming in speaking up. Maybe in time. Agent99 - I have had a number of lesbian friends who are amazingly sharp and intelligent...I've never been to a strictly lesbian board, but it's not a bad idea, and I can imagine the caliber of some of the discussion. I shall sharpen my brain and perform some Google-fu. Thanks!
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Amazing as it may sound, I did not come here seeking "justification" or any sort of free moral pass for my behavior, a sort of "safety in numbers" gambit. I wanted to see what the experiences of others who've done the same thing have been, and I can see why they have not been terribly forthcoming in speaking up. Maybe in time. Well your talking to someone who has been there done that so to speak. Ultimate result = marriage over. So, here is what I know from experience. Typically we know that choosing an affair in secret will hurt our SO. Also having the desire to be good people, does it not stand to reason that some kind of justification is required? Agree? Would you say that there is an emotional disconnect between you and your husband? What makes you believe that his sex drive tops out at once per week? Sex drive is a complicated thing, and can have many factors which play in. Were he able to provide stimulating conversation, would once a week be enough for you?
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