eeyore1980 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I don't know what to do. My husband had an affair of some kind, and I found out about it last September. The time since then has been spent trying to work things out, when I am able to block out the fact he has been lying to me non-stop. My ability to do that has gotten weaker and weaker, leading up to this past Wednesday, when I said I was done, went home, packed my bags, and left. I told him not to call me ever again unless he was willing to tell the truth. He calls me a little while later, starts telling me he is now willing to tell me the truth, and explains he did have feelings for this other woman, (this whole time they were just friends, blah, blah) and he tells me how he asked her out this one time, but she said no, so he called her over and over, etc. I'm sitting in my car in a bad thunderstorm, so I said I would come home, and we would talk through this. My son is devastated by my leaving in the first place, and I just can't put him through any more of this non-stop drama. I really thought this time was going to be different, but as soon as I get back, he is back to his same old thing, refusing to explain the glaring discrepancies between his story and things I know to be fact. He threw me the one crumb, and that's all I get, just like every other time this has reached the breaking point. We have a business together. I never wanted it, but he did, and I have supported him and worked my butt off to have this business, but it was never for me, it was always for him. I hate it, I hate my job, and I have given up some good opportunities for myself to put myself in this position of being a supportive wife, because I loved him, and I wanted to please him. For probably the past month, most of my thoughts have just obsessed over all the horrible things he has done to me throughout this marriage, almost 24 years now, vs. all the things I have done for him, given up for him, etc. and I just can't get past it. I don't want to be one of those bitter, miserable women like that. I am so far behind in my job, I have calls for bill payments, I haven't invoiced stuff that should have been done last week, etc., and I don't even think I care anymore. I just can't get past, how could he do this to me? I did nothing to deserve this, he is so selfish, and he says out of his mouth he cares how much this has hurt me and our kids, but he just continues to lie to cover his butt. I don't know what to do anymore, it seems like every option I have is unbearable. I do believe he loves me, and is sorry, at least up to a point, but not enough to tell the d*mn truth, and I just don't think that is good enough. I'm not someone who does something for someone and then beats them over the head with it, but that is how I feel now, I told him he has never appreciated anything I've done for him, and I don't feel he is even able to acknowledge it unless I am shoving it in his face. He has gotten his way over every single thing in this entire marriage that was of any importance to him, the only things I have ever gotten that I wanted was over stuff he didn't care about. I know therapists advise not to say 'always' and 'never', but in this case, it is the absolute truth. I really feel like, other than my wonderful children, my life has been a total waste, catering to some POS who doesn't even see me as a person. I am the one who has been neglected and pushed aside for most of this marriage, not him, yet he cheated on me. I don't even know how to forgive when I can't come up with a shred of compassion or understanding for how he could do this to me.
porter218 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 leave him and don't cave in until absolute truth has been revealed. You can't even begin to heal without his honesty and you will loose yourself more and more as time goes by. You need to be prepared to truly let him go and not cave in in case he isn't willing because this is no way to live.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 leave him and don't cave in until absolute truth has been revealed. You can't even begin to heal without his honesty and you will loose yourself more and more as time goes by. You need to be prepared to truly let him go and not cave in in case he isn't willing because this is no way to live. Agreed. The very minimum he owes you is the truth. While you may have to compromise in other areas to get your marriage back on track, don't accept anything less than what your gut tells you is 100% accounting for what happened. He may not be able to give you the "why", but he has to come up with the "what, where, when and how"... Mr. Lucky
2sure Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I read your posts a few weeks ago while I was looking for an outlet for some similar frustrations. Like you, I was gaslighted by my H, never received the truth at all regarding his infidelities 80% of the time, 10% was never discussed...and the other 10% - the TRUTH - was the part I have been able to get over. Its hard to forgive when you dont know what your forgiving. Being unable to forgive - for me - was a powerless feeling. Sigh.....I have no real advice , but DO understand.
porter218 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 To both 2sure and eeyore, I have been through this as well. What you have to do to 'force' the truth out is show them you are serious. I left my H and was an ice cold b!tch towards him. I told him that I was stuck in the pain of the A because he never gave me the 100% truth and it felt like such an insult to my intelligence. I explained that he didn't walk down that isle with a freakin idiot and I was at the end of my rope with his bullcr@p. I explained that there was no way in hell I would let him back in my home until he came clean about everything he had done to disrespect our R and M since the day we met. I told him to never underestimate what I already knew and if what he told me was not matching up with that then he could save his breath. I told him all of this over the phone after I kicked him out and told him I wasn't ready to hear the truth until at least 24hrs passed by( this is so he had time to really decide if he wanted to come clean or stay single) then I hung up the phone at would not answer it until the next day and wouldn't open the door at my house if he came by. When he came over he finally gave me the talk I had been waiting for for years. I punched him in the face a few times but the truth really made me feel better(or maybe hitting him did too). I made him recant every move he had made since the day we committed to each other and give every bit of detail that he could still remember. I have never changed this attitude about lies and now at this point in our M he just knows when I say I need something from him he has to either do it or leave because I would rather be alone then with a liar.
Author eeyore1980 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I read your posts a few weeks ago while I was looking for an outlet for some similar frustrations. Like you, I was gaslighted by my H, never received the truth at all regarding his infidelities 80% of the time, 10% was never discussed...and the other 10% - the TRUTH - was the part I have been able to get over. Its hard to forgive when you dont know what your forgiving. Being unable to forgive - for me - was a powerless feeling. Sigh.....I have no real advice , but DO understand. Thanks. Sometimes I feel like no one understands how I feel, even though I know I'm not the only one who has ever gone through this.
Author eeyore1980 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 To both 2sure and eeyore, I have been through this as well. What you have to do to 'force' the truth out is show them you are serious. I left my H and was an ice cold b!tch towards him. I told him that I was stuck in the pain of the A because he never gave me the 100% truth and it felt like such an insult to my intelligence. I explained that he didn't walk down that isle with a freakin idiot and I was at the end of my rope with his bullcr@p. I explained that there was no way in hell I would let him back in my home until he came clean about everything he had done to disrespect our R and M since the day we met. I told him to never underestimate what I already knew and if what he told me was not matching up with that then he could save his breath. I told him all of this over the phone after I kicked him out and told him I wasn't ready to hear the truth until at least 24hrs passed by( this is so he had time to really decide if he wanted to come clean or stay single) then I hung up the phone at would not answer it until the next day and wouldn't open the door at my house if he came by. When he came over he finally gave me the talk I had been waiting for for years. I punched him in the face a few times but the truth really made me feel better(or maybe hitting him did too). I made him recant every move he had made since the day we committed to each other and give every bit of detail that he could still remember. I have never changed this attitude about lies and now at this point in our M he just knows when I say I need something from him he has to either do it or leave because I would rather be alone then with a liar. At times, I feel like I don't even care about the truth, I just want him gone. Unfortunately, the personality defects I have that got me in this mess in the first place are still going strong. We have a business together, we work together, we have several people who depend on us for a living. Neither one of us can run this business without the other. I am not at a place right now where I can be unaffected by having to spend 40+ hours a week with him, and I am also not able to throw our employees to the wind because my husband is a cheater and a liar. They also have done nothing to deserve this treatment, so that would make me as big a piece of scum as he is. I still love him, and he has been doing things differently. I really think if he had just told me everything right at the beginning, we could have worked this out and gotten past it, and be in a lot better place right now, but that isn't how it has played out, and I am sick of all of this.
porter218 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 At times, I feel like I don't even care about the truth, I just want him gone. Unfortunately, the personality defects I have that got me in this mess in the first place are still going strong. We have a business together, we work together, we have several people who depend on us for a living. Neither one of us can run this business without the other. I am not at a place right now where I can be unaffected by having to spend 40+ hours a week with him, and I am also not able to throw our employees to the wind because my husband is a cheater and a liar. They also have done nothing to deserve this treatment, so that would make me as big a piece of scum as he is. I still love him, and he has been doing things differently. I really think if he had just told me everything right at the beginning, we could have worked this out and gotten past it, and be in a lot better place right now, but that isn't how it has played out, and I am sick of all of this. Just because you are in business together doesn't mean that you are stuck in this M. I am part owner of my Hs company and I am pregnant with his child and we have a 3 yr old together and I have court ordered custody of his 12yrold ... none of this will make me hesitate for one second to leave my H if he isn't doing right by me. You can still go to work with your H, and function when you are not together. Once you get over the fear of leaving him it isn't that hard.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 You said that you hate your job. Why can't you pursue other career opportunities and promote or hire someone to do the job you're doing. Your life sounds horrible. I don't see why you'd stay because honestly there's not one thing in your post that tells me the M is worth saving. He's hurt you terribly and continues to do so by not coming clean. Your son will eventually accept a divorce. Is it really a better alternative for him to see the model your H is providing? We learn what we see. What is your son seeing? My son was young when I separated. And he was angry. I'm not exactly sure why, it wasn't my fault for the D. But he grew to accept it and he is happy. It lasted a year or two. But I would rather my son see his mom be strong and take care of her family than see two adults yelling the little time they see each other, and his mom crying herself to sleep every night. Because that is what he saw. You have to do what is right for you. If he's not going to do the hard work of reconciling, how can you fix the M? It takes 2. I wish you luck and strength. I know it's not easy. GEL
porter218 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 My son was young when I separated. And he was angry. I'm not exactly sure why, it wasn't my fault for the D. But he grew to accept it and he is happy. It lasted a year or two. But I would rather my son see his mom be strong and take care of her family than see two adults yelling the little time they see each other, and his mom crying herself to sleep every night. Because that is what he saw. This is sooo true GEL. When I lefty my H for almost 1yr I did so with a 2yr old and his 11yr old from a previous relationship. They both were upset about the change at first, but over the first 2 months they both got over the hurt. They just wanted to see me happy and it didn't take them long to realize that we were better off without all the arguing and stress of a M gone wrong. Change is always scary to kids but don't underestimate their ability to bounce back.
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