...How do I express this...empty...lack of self-esteem...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I have posted recently saying that I am dating someone new. I am. And I am happy. But lately, I have had these feelings stirring inside of me. These feelings are of great negativity. They make me feel sick.

 

I do not want him back. At all. But what I do want is to tell him all of the things that I never told him at the end of our relationship. I do not know why, but this urge to do so is so strong inside of me. I have had NC with him and have told him that I do not wish to remain friends or have any contact with him whatsoever. But there are so many things I wish to say...that I wish to address. I still have lingering thoughts of anger in regards to the things I was last told at the end. He told me he did not care about my life or my family or my friends...my world. He literally told me he did not care about my world. He didn't say this in a fit of passion. He said it calmly. I was wondering why he did not want to visit me or did not want to become involved in my world but only wanted me in his. I should have known better. I visited him every weekend for a long time...drove an hour and a half to and from my house to his. I took part in his hobbies. I bought him sexy outfits that I knew he would like me to wear. I was interested in his world. I hung out with his friends when he wanted us to do so. But at the end of it all, I knew this wasn't enough. When we ended it, I told him that I never felt like he cared about my world. I did not accuse him of anything...I said it calmly. I felt this way because when we were on the phone he would not want to talk due to the playoffs and due to video games. I did not expect a lot of his time. Maybe 20 minutes. He would get upset at my "demands". I spent so much time driving to his house and money on gas, that I did not feel it was a bad request. I was the one working and paying for most of everything. He did not have a job and lived at his parents house. He was an only child and was very selfish...he seemed to not understand this.

 

I am not sure why, but sometimes these lingering thoughts...when I think back to these comments...they make me wonder if I am worth it. I know it is horrible to tell yourself such negative thoughts. But I often wonder if I am worth any time and if I am worth anything at all. This is my problem and not my Ex's, however I sometimes have this great urge to contact my Ex and finally tell him what I think of his commentary towards me, especially when I had spent so much time in his world, adapting to his world, and meeting his friends and family. I also am angry when thinking about comments that I felt really degraded my self-esteem. Please do not get me wrong. My Ex was/is not a horrible person, but I am not sure that he realizes exactly how certain comments really degraded my self-esteem. I tried to express it but he didn't seem to understand at all. For example, he would always compare me to this actress that was in his favorite television show and would tell me he would cheat on me with her in a second and drop me if he ever got the chance with her. He would always say he didn't know what it was about her...and once would have me sit and watch clips of her with him...he would fast forward it and pause on her moments. I am not sure why, but I feel this really degraded my self-esteem. I know that it is not the be all end all. We all have fantasies of other people. But it made me feel as if I was not enough. I felt accutely sensitive to these things. It tore at my self-esteem. When I tried to explain it, he simply said he would now feel extremely uncomfortable telling me he saw another woman as attractive and this was a problem for him.

 

I just want to lay this out to him. I want to tell him what I think about his closing remarks to me. I want to tell him why I don't ever want to be friends with him. I want to tell him that his remark about me always being in his life and always being there for him was wrong. I want to tell him he should never depend on someone being there for him if he doesn't care at all about their life. How selfish that is!

 

I am just feeling very strange today. I am wondering about my worth. I do not know what my new man sees in me. This is really messing with me. I do not feel attractive when I think about these comments. I feel horrible.

[kizik]

B2B,

 

one of the hardest parts of a break-up (perhaps the hardest), is maintaining one's sense of self-worth. You are with someone else now, what does that tell you? That they VALUE and appreciate YOU.

 

Your ex may not be a bad person, but let me tell you, he said and did some severely prickish things. DO NOT let his lame personality affect how you think about yourself, OK?

 

Good to see you again,

 

kizik

 

PS. I understand the urge to contact him, as we all seem to have it, and tell him these thoughts you've had, and his role in your self-esteem drop. Don't do it. It won't help anything. He probably can't even hear you.

 

This guy has no job and still lives at home?! Thank Christ it's over! What a loser.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Kizik,

 

Thank you for your kind words. I definitely agree with you in regards to the hardest part of a breakup seems to be maintaining ones sense of self-worth. I have felt this, especially as of late. I guess it helps to know that this is the case for several people, although I hate to think of other people going through the same thing.

 

I am trying very hard to not contact him. I haven't yet. I haven't been in contact with him since some time in May and then I told him we could not be in contact anymore. I was very irritated that he assumed we would "always be in each other's lives" and that all of this was an evolution not a de-evolution. I was very polite when saying that we could not be in contact and I never brought up any of the things I wrote in my post here.

 

Throughout our relationship, he did not have a job. We were together 8 months. He is an aspiring screenwriter and lived at his mom's house. He is 22 years old. His parents were adament that he did not have to get a job until he was 22. For whatever reason, that was the deal they had worked out for him. Honestly, I think that was a really bad idea as he had no idea how hard other people worked. He had a job working as a dietary type aid in high school and thought it was a huge deal that he worked there for 8 months. I think that is the only job he ever had. He does not understand what it is like for regular people. For instance, he would always become very irritated with my first job that I had while with him because it inhibited our time together. I worked at least 40 hours a week, but that is the nature of the working world! Eventually, I found a different job so we could have more time together. Prior to my new job, I had expressed frustrations I had had with my old job and he thought that meant that I should find a new one pronto. I think most people in the working world understand that there are frustrations in every job and if you get along with the people you work with, you should be happy and try and accept these frustrations. I work labor jobs right now as I am also an on-line student. I am working housekeeping. These hours were very tiring but I was still willing to drive to and fro and pay for many things.

 

He assumes he is going to hit it big in Hollywood. I think it's good to have aspirations but he would literally talk to me as if it was 100% certain that he would have this huge hit TV show that he is writing. For example, toward the end he told me, "If you think the time I spend on you is bad now, when I get ____ (the name of his TV show that he is writing and trying to get sold. I will not reveal it for privacy reasons), I will be working at least 80 hours a week on it. That will be my life. I will build a cocoon around myself". He was also convinced that the actress he always compared me to and would talk about a lot would have a starring role. He would tell me, "You are going to be paranoid once she gets this part" but then say that I could trust him.

 

Ay. Live and learn.

[kizik]

Throughout our relationship, he did not have a job. We were together 8 months. He is an aspiring screenwriter and lived at his mom's house. He is 22 years old. His parents were adament that he did not have to get a job until he was 22. For whatever reason, that was the deal they had worked out for him.

 

Wow, what a pathetic man-child. Even more pathetic is these idiot parents of his. Who tells their son, "You don't have to get a job until you're 22"?

 

He assumes he is going to hit it big in Hollywood. I think it's good to have aspirations but he would literally talk to me as if it was 100% certain that he would have this huge hit TV show that he is writing. ...He was also convinced that the actress he always compared me to and would talk about a lot would have a starring role. He would tell me, "You are going to be paranoid once she gets this part" but then say that I could trust him.

 

Screenwriting... talk about a pipe dream. I mean, like you said, that's cool that he has a passion and all, but in no way is it a JOB... I am a musician, but you don't hear me talking about "When I make it, I'm going to cast Reese Witherspoon in my music video! And by the way honey, she's so much hotter than you! I would leave you for her ANY day!"

 

B2B, can you not see what a delusional, egomaniacal dweeb your ex is? Trust my outsider's perspective when I say that you dodged a huge bullet from a total self-centered DORK.

[carrot10]

Some people are really spoiled and selfish. You have to be glad that you are not one of those people. However, your ex is. I know how hard it is to not say what you want to say but it's not going to have the effect on him that you want it to. I would just focus on the new guy and be happy. Mr. spoiled screenwriter lwill earn soon enough.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks a lot for your perspectives. They really do help me...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I spent a lot of time with my BF tonight and I understand that I deserve to be treated respectfully. He treats me so well. I am not going to contact my Ex and reem him out. I just want to be with my BF and continue on the path we are on. =) Thank you for listening.