I cheated and my husband wants to stay w. me

[breakingdawn]

Here's my story:

I cheated on my husband. I know it was wrong and I came clean and I told him everything. My problem now is that he wants me to to stay with him and he says he can forgive me but I don't see how he can. I don't know if I should stay with him or not. I don't know what the future will bring or if I will do this to him again. I definitely don't want to hurt him like this again. This is the first time that I have cheated and we've been married three years. When I first told him we decided to try to work things out. We decided our problem was communication and that he wasn't giving me enough attention. He said that he just got comfortable in our relationship and figured that I would always be here. He would stay at his brother;s house late everyday while I sat at home alone. I would tell him that I wanted to go out places and do things but he would never take me. I think this is what led to my affair. My problem now is that after we decided to try to work it out I e-mailed the OM to tell him what had happened and I meant to never talk to him again but then he messaged me with questions and that led to us talking again. I wasn't giving this try my all. I don't know why I didn't. My husband kept pressuring me and asking me if we would be together forever and if I loved him... all the time. Every five minutes and I couldn't handle that. He expected things to go right back to how they were and they couldn't. I didn't feel the same way he did. I wasn't happy before and he expected us to forget about what had happened and to go back to how things were before. Anyways I eventually told him that I wasn't sure about what I wanted that I could couldn't tell him that I would love him forever and that we would be together forever because I didn't know. I still don't know if I want to work it out with him. I still have been talking to this other guy too. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. My husband won't give me time to think about what I truly want. I worry about not being able to get past my affair that it will haunt us in the future. That he will always think about it and that i will always worry about it happening again. He wants me to make my decision right away and I feel pressure from that. I'm surprised that he wants to still make it work. I dunno....

[whichwayisup]

You right now need to cut the OM out of your life for good. You can't figure out what you feel for your husband if the OM is sniffing around..

 

TELL the OM goodbye and do not answer his calls, emails, etc..

 

Go to marriage counselling and seek individual counselling as well.

 

Your husband LOVES you and he is giving you a chance to see if the marriage is fixable. You owe him and yourself that - Atleast if it doesn't work out, you'll both know you gave it your best. (Oh and the OM cannot be in your life - Just making sure you understand that.)

 

Or, your other option is, divorce and set your husband free so he can heal and find a woman who will love him and not cheat on him. And you can go be with your OM. To stay and cheat, or stay and still be intouch with the OM is just wrong and not fair to your husband. He deserves better than that, so PLEASE cut out the OM from your life.

[breakingdawn]

My biggest problem is that I don't know what I want. I absolutely am not sure. I know it's not fair to let my husband hang on. I just feel very pressured by everyone to decide and it's hard. I don;t know if I want to try to fix my marriage. I just really don't know. He just won't give me time to figure everything out. I know my options but I don't know which is best for me and which is best for my husband.

[whichwayisup]

Well, you can start by going to counselling. Ask your husband to let you do that so you can get your head on straight. In that time though, your OM cannot be in your life, you need to focus without hearing from him. Hopefully he'll respect that and give you time to figure it out as well.

 

I know this is hard for you, but you created this mess. Sorry to sound harsh..

[Untouchable_Fire]

My biggest problem is that I don't know what I want. I absolutely am not sure. I know it's not fair to let my husband hang on. I just feel very pressured by everyone to decide and it's hard. I don;t know if I want to try to fix my marriage. I just really don't know. He just won't give me time to figure everything out. I know my options but I don't know which is best for me and which is best for my husband.

 

I think you know exactly what you want. What has you confused is the crazy idea that your husband is going to magically change for you. Maybe he will... for a month... a year... two years. No dice.

 

At this point I would suggest terminating the marriage. Stay as friends and things will work out in the end for you! If you try to play both sides and use both men... in the end you will wind up losing both. Make a clear choice now.

[pelicanpreacher]

Right now your husband is in shock and panic mode as this bombshell has taken him by complete surprise. You, on the other hand, have had plenty of time to contemplate your thoughts from the beginning of the affair to this point in time so you are far more ahead of the 8 ball on this crisis than your husband and shouldn't be at all surprised by his confusion and desparation. Don't worry though for the fog of your husband's initial reaction phase will soon lift only to be replaced with the darker emotions of an angry storm. By then it will be too late for you to "make up your mind" so be prepared to get swept wherever the wind blows!

[Darth Vader]

Right now your husband is in shock and panic mode as this bombshell has taken him by complete surprise. You, on the other hand, have had plenty of time to contemplate your thoughts from the beginning of the affair to this point in time so you are far more ahead of the 8 ball on this crisis than your husband and shouldn't be at all surprised by his confusion and desparation. Don't worry though for the fog of your husband's initial reaction phase will soon lift only to be replaced with the darker emotions of an angry storm. By then it will be too late for you to "make up your mind" so be prepared to get swept wherever the wind blows!

 

 

He's right, be prepared for all HELL to break loose! Hubby hasn't even hit the anger stage, and he will, and has every right to do so! Don't string him along. For some reason you sound awfully young. BTW, don't try to blame your husband for your actions. There's no excuse for an affair, even if he wasn't doing everything he should have done, that's a cop out! It already sounds like you had justified yourself into having an affair!

 

If you two don't have children, it may be better to Divorce, let him find someone that can be faithful to him.

[LoyalGirl]

The things that you say led you to the affair seem like issues that could be worked out in MC...

Have you tried that?

Maybe you should look into IC to help you to figure this out.

[Owl]

Great advice, WWIU!!! (and others, of course!)

[Angel1111]

It would probably be best if you and your husband separated. I don't think you have the feelings for him that a person needs to make this a long-term relationship. You've only been married 3 yrs and already have very serious issues. The only reason you're even thinking about staying in the marriage is because of the pressure your husband is putting on you. I know he's hurt but he has done a lot of damage by behaving the way he has, and you have, too, by having this affair. Regardless of what you have both done, there is something missing here and it is not likely to be fixed.

[whichwayisup]

Separation will only push her into the arms of the OM. TheOM doesn't care about her marriage, so he WILL take that as an opportunity to make his move to become closer to her. A separation will NOT help their marriage at this point in time.

[Shygirl15]

While I can somewhat understand the reason some people feel the need to cheat, I have never really understood why they believe confessing to their spouses on their cheating habits will make everything alright.

 

Once you confess, you're done. It's over. Nothing can change it. It's basically your decision to either stay in this fakeness and believe everything is forgiven and forgotten, or leave.

[twice_shy]

Here's my story:

I cheated on my husband. I know it was wrong and I came clean and I told him everything. My problem now is that he wants me to to stay with him and he says he can forgive me but I don't see how he can. I don't know if I should stay with him or not. I don't know what the future will bring or if I will do this to him again.

 

You can stop right there. Enough said. The bolded part alone tells me you need to file for divorce and spare him. He doesn't deserve to be married to someone like you.

[Angel1111]

Separation will only push her into the arms of the OM. TheOM doesn't care about her marriage, so he WILL take that as an opportunity to make his move to become closer to her. A separation will NOT help their marriage at this point in time.

 

I guess we interpret 'separating' differently. I don't see any point in helping their marriage so I don't think it matters if she gets with the OM or not. Separating, to me, means getting out of the immediate proximity of her husband - and she should be the one to move out since she's the one who cheated. After that, one of them needs to file for divorce.

[jj2007]

My biggest problem is that I don't know what I want. I absolutely am not sure. I know it's not fair to let my husband hang on. I just feel very pressured by everyone to decide and it's hard. I don;t know if I want to try to fix my marriage. I just really don't know. He just won't give me time to figure everything out. I know my options but I don't know which is best for me and which is best for my husband.

 

I think the best thing to do in this situation is seperate from your H and go NC with OM. Your situation sounds alot like what I was going through at home before my H had an A.

 

You need to take some time for yourself to figure out what you want. And no one should be pressuring you to decide anything right away. It is important that you stay away from OM and really take time for yourself because you don't need anything clouding your judgement.

 

Good luck and I hope you figure out what makes you happy!

[GPFan]

My biggest problem is that I don't know what I want. I absolutely am not sure. I know it's not fair to let my husband hang on. I just feel very pressured by everyone to decide and it's hard. I don;t know if I want to try to fix my marriage. I just really don't know. He just won't give me time to figure everything out. I know my options but I don't know which is best for me and which is best for my husband.

It sounds like you don't want your marriage but are buckling under pressure.

 

Be true to yourself and end the marriage.

[InaPanic]

I'm not sure how long it has been since the affair ended. If you said then i missed it. But it sounds to me like maybe it hasn't been that long. I went through a lot of what you are saying. And as horrible as it sounds to say it out loud on a forum like this I understand. I felt so confused about my life & my marriage & myself after my affair that I honestly couldn't, at THAT time, say that I was sure I wouldn't do it again. But that is because I never thought I would have an affair in the first place. So since I did have an affair when i never thought I would, then how could I say I never will again. That's the frame of mind I was in then.

Also at the time I still wanted the OM very badly. I'm not proud of that but I did. so I think a part of me that was questioning then whether I wanted to stay in my marriage was because deep down I was thinking that if I was single then we could be together.

I'm not sure if either of these apply to you or if they are similar reasons as to why you are feeling some of what you are.

Also, my husband was very very clingy to me as well. And because of my frame of mind at the time...where perhaps it should have comforted me it almost made me want to run. I've heard others say that as well so I think that it is both common for the BS to do this & for the cheater to also feel overwhelmed.

My biggest suggestion to you is to cut OM out. I know it's hard because I had MONTHS that I still was talking to him every now & then via internet. Even tho we talked rarely it did have an affect on my ability to move on...my ability to see things clearly...and my ability to love my husband again. It may simply be your marriage is over but I think before you write it off you should at least try cutting OM out & see what happens. Especially if there are kids tho i don't think there are since you haven't mentioned any.

But don't stay in a marriage where you are miserable either. You both deserve better.

[foolishhusband]

Wow! Do you have any idea how this hurts? I was that guy! I told my wife I could forgive, the problem is I can not forget! My wife cheated on me over 15 yearsa ago.

Now I think she likes a guy at her work and She will not admit it. I sit here now wishing I would have left a long time ago. I have busted my but for a long time and as I think about walking away I know I will leave with nothing but sadness. We did the counseler stuff but they don't relly help. If you still are talking to the other guy you need to rethink staying. Your husbnd wiull be better off in the long run. I wish I could have seen this myself but I was afraid of what I woul lose. What a joke, I get treated like crap and she gets mad if I tell her how I feel. I am tired of walking on egg shells so here I sit telling you what I think. I am sorry about your marriage, but you did what you did and even if he forgives you he will never forget it. Take off now before you hurt him again. As for the OB that your sleeping with---he will cheat on you some day, I see it all the time. Cheaters cheat. Good luck.

[Darth Vader]

Wow! Do you have any idea how this hurts? I was that guy! I told my wife I could forgive, the problem is I can not forget! My wife cheated on me over 15 yearsa ago.

Now I think she likes a guy at her work and She will not admit it. I sit here now wishing I would have left a long time ago. I have busted my but for a long time and as I think about walking away I know I will leave with nothing but sadness. We did the counseler stuff but they don't relly help. If you still are talking to the other guy you need to rethink staying. Your husbnd wiull be better off in the long run. I wish I could have seen this myself but I was afraid of what I woul lose. What a joke, I get treated like crap and she gets mad if I tell her how I feel. I am tired of walking on egg shells so here I sit telling you what I think. I am sorry about your marriage, but you did what you did and even if he forgives you he will never forget it. Take off now before you hurt him again. As for the OB that your sleeping with---he will cheat on you some day, I see it all the time. Cheaters cheat. Good luck.

 

So, why not contact a lawyer and get your assets covered if you think she's cheating? Is she doing the same things that she did when she first cheated?

[SoulStorm]

Always saying I wasn't happy. Were you the only one in your marriage? Do you think your husband was happy?

 

Did you ever ask him or did only how you felt mattered?

 

Too bad he is still in love with you and is following you around like a lost puppy wanting reassurance. Too bad he doesn't grow a set of huevos and drop kick you out his life. Let me guess, he wasn't meeting your emotional needs, he didn't spend enough time with you, his job meant more to him than you..he was probably working his butt off to support you. Now you are confused because you let someone else go where only your husband should be going and you have feelings of some kind for this other person.

 

You probably feel like ***** for what you did and you should, and now your poor husband is going to spend the rest of his life heartbroken and hurt because he wants to be with you and you want to reject him.

 

Let me tell you a secret..he may be responsible for 50% of the marriage going off course, but you are 100% responsible for your cheating.

 

Let me tell you something else, the probability of you and the other person having a successful relationship is about zero%. It was based on deception and lies.

 

Yes go ahead, spare your husband the pain and leave him alone so he can at least get some dignity and respect . You know dignity and respect, those 2 things you have just stripped from him because you were not happy?