kric0216 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Hi Guys! I am new here and really need some support and advise. So here goes.. My story is very similar to most of you guys stories. My DH and I have been married for 6.5 years and together for 9. I thought we were your typical married couple with financial strains that were overwhelmed by your typical everyday issues. But, I never thought my husband would be the person to engage in an EA, especially since he was the child of a father who had tons of EA's and PA's on his mother so he knew first hand what it did to the kids..anyways So this all started around mid may. My DH got a new job and we were both excited to think he was going to get to spend more and more time with us. well at first that was the case. then about 2 weeks into the job he started comming home later and later. well since this was a new job i didnt know he way "lying" and it wasnt normal. So, I believed him. well one night he came home fairly late around 10. normally he kisses me & the kids talks for a little while and goes to bed.. well that night he went straight to the shower and straight to bed. well, i figured out he was DRUNK and he had lied to me (which was a dumb thing to lie about) well i let it go..that was that for a few days until i lost my cell phone and picked up his phone to call mine to find it. What I found was a text from the OW asking what time he was going to work? I HIT THE ROOF! he said it was just a friend etc i was overreacting etc... well i let it go, the next day he worked, well i decided to check the cell records, page after page of her phone # over and over 25 cell pages worth or just her # (which he had deleted every one of).. well we decided to go to counceling ad tyr to work it out, all the while he was still saying she is just a friend to laugh with and they get drinks after work with people..skip foward to now and many many bad things later, & i find out that they werent getting "drinks" at a bar they were at her house, alone! not to mention that he would lie to me and meet her and spend time with her before work and tell me he was at work. the thing that hurts the worst is that he has admited everything to me, and yet i still found where he has contacted her again. he said were over and just friends now.but how can you just be friends now when you were making out with her 2 weeks ago and going to her house after work EVERYNIGHT and lying to me! he says but i love u i want to make this work. How can you really say that to me and do this to me? and still lie to me?? Besides that he still works with her and wont quit the job.. which i donno if i shoudl ask him to do, but at this point, i am not even sure he is sorry. I found out about this quickly only 3 months into it..but still can i ever really trust again,especially when i continue to catch him in lies. I can say I think he is trying, but then again i thought it was over for weeks and believed that too.. any advise would help! Thanks
pelicanpreacher Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 You mentioned the financial strain in your marriage prior to your husband getting the new job. I'm wondering about the financial dynamics of your relationship as to whether you're a SAHM or your husband represents the breadwinner of the household. Somehow your DH has got it into his head that he's entitled to do as he pleases and maybe your living circumstances preclude you from doing anything about it. Words are cheap in the face of actions and he has demonstrated that he loves himself first and foremost while all others take a distant second to his considerations. If your current job skills can't guarantee you an income that will allow you to stand on your own then I would suggest you look into going back to school to enhance your employability. The fact that your DH has no problems breaching the boundaries set forth by the vows of your marriage makes you and your children vulnerable to whatever whims he may have at the moment. While I agree that MC is called for to restore your faith and trust in your WS, I'd still advise that you cover your bases by becoming more financially independent so that if he pulls this stunt again then at least you'll be able to step into the future with less trepidation on the income front.
2sunny Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 welcome kric- i'm sorry for your pain and confusion. let me ask... is HE doing anything to make this right between the two of you? or are you the one making the effort? this is HIS to repair and you are in a position of whether or not you decide to stay based on his actions/inactions to do the repair work. yes, it's true, actions speak louder than words... he will tell you anything you want to hear. it's his actions that will indicate to you his true intentions. is he still contacting her? have you checked his e-mail, instant messenger, text, phone logs lately? fyi a DH = divorced husband. i believe you meant to type H for husband???
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 He hasn't felt any real consquence yet - That is why he's still seeing her. Not sure if the physical part of their affair is ongoing, but it's definately still emotional. You need to tell him flatout - Quit the job and work on the marriage by doing marriage counselling (together and apart, he needs, as well as you, to go on your own) and say goodbye to the OW for good, OR he can pack his crap and move in with her. Don't allow him to have his cake and eat it too. He WILL continue doing whatever he wants to do because he's addicted to the drama an affair creates, as it's ALL about him. He is in a fog... I am sorry for your pain. Do you two have children?
Author kric0216 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Hey Guys! Thanks for replying to me =) pelican preacher - yes i am a new SAHM, which I have only been for 6 months so that I could pursue my RN degree. However, I am looking for a job in my old job field (which pays so/so) now so that I can support myself so no matter what happens I will be okay financially with our without his help. My bff is single and looking for a roomie so that is one lane option i have to go down if things didnt work out. We are doing MC and he "says" he hasnt talked to her again, however at this point there have been so many to my face lies i dont know if i believe anything. I mentioned a "break" but he is adimant that wont help anything just complicate things more.. 2sunny- He has been much more attentive lately and dosent have his cell phone on him all the time anymore, and yes i check the email addresses,text messages, cars, cell phone bills etc (we dont have a house phone so thats not an outlet he could use).. however we all know where there is a will there is a way. I thought about doing one of those tracking things to see if he had other emails i didnt know about, but i really am tired of all the pain. I didnt mention this but I wasnt looking for anything it has all been laid in my lap, i am a christian praying woman, and God has revealed everything to me, i havent looked once. So, I know it will all continue to be revealed if its not over.. I just wonder if I really honestly ever will be able to get over this, I really thought we were okay before this, and OBVIOUSLY we werent.. whichwayisup- yeah we have 2 kids, a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old. I have to say my 3 yr old has really been effected lately.. sad, i mean i love my husband and all but i have alot of hurt and anger towards everything
merlin2 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through.He's been caught and yet he is still not showing you any loyalty/respect by still contacting her.The only thing I can recommend as other posters have said is look into furthering your career.He thinks he has you where he wants you right now, looking after the kids etc., willing to put up with anything , you depend on him basically.You HAVE to start looking into furthering your career, if anything it will give you something to focus on, strive for when he is driving you out of your mind with worry and suspicion.If you can visualise the road ahead without him, you will find this so much easier and feel more in control if the worst comes to the worst.You sound like an intelligent woman who is thinking rationally despite what you're going through.I feel that your kids will keep you going through all this though, and that you're a strong woman.Keep that in mind, there's a storm brewing ahead perhaps, but you'll find out you will weather it.Good luck.
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