defeated.

[suzie q]

yesterday, i got angry. like really angry for the first time since our break up. it's been almost 2 months since the initial break and a month and a half since the official end.

 

the anger wore off pretty quickly and now i just miss him again. i am doing everything i can to seem okay to him. i don't call/text/email often. i have done these about 3 times since the break up.

 

my last message went unanswered and i feel really dumb. it was basically about us being friends because he had sent me one, so i thought that was what he was looking for. i felt ready to be around him and be friends because it was really breaking up my relationship with other people by not being around him.

 

he didn't answer and it broke my heart. then i got pissed. now i'm over him not responding and i just miss him.

 

i think acting like i'm okay is really good because i don't want him to see me falling apart, but sometimes it gets exhausting. i do have a few people i talk to about it, but i feel like 2 months after it's happened--they're probably tired of hearing it.

 

i'm not sure how to stop wanting it to work out. i've said this before. i know there's some plan for my life, but i just really want him in it.

 

i miss the relationship we had. i have a little anger toward his ex for coming back into his life. i know she's married and there's nothing there with them--at least not emotionally on her part--but it hurts that his feelings for her broke us up and made him feel like the feelings weren't so strong for me.

 

she hurt him so bad. she cheated on him--i know he never got over it, but i thought since it had been so long, he was at least over her.

 

he asked me to move in with him in the house he bought. then 2 weeks later, everything was shattered just by her coming back into town. he got so confused and still is. he has started drinking heavily the way he used to.

 

i worry about him all the time.

 

i know it's not her fault and i don't hate her, but i can't help but wonder what a married woman is doing hanging out with other men all the time. she is always with a group of men from what i hear and makes them all think they have a chance with her. her husband is in iraq until september 1st.

 

why would anyone want to be associated with a married woman who acts like that?

 

i love him. i miss him. i can live without him, but i just don't know why i'd want to.

[HopeDiesLast]

if you happen to figure out how to stop wanting it to work out....pass the info along. cus hence my name on this forum- my hope will die last.

[suzie q]

i promise, i will let you in on the secret when i figure it out myself.

[HopeDiesLast]

i cant stop it and its making me nuts. seriously.