Divorce and Children

[LoyalGirl]

I was wondering if any of you could give me some insights into the effects of divorce on children. If you divorced, how did your children handle it? Did you see any changes in your children? I have 3 children: A girl: age 3 (soon to be 4), and two boys: ages 2, and 1. I don't want a divorce, but my husband does not seem committed to our marriage. What can I expect if divorce is the outcome?

[Ronni_W]

It is rough, rough, rough, on the children -- no matter how "amicable" and "friendly" and "collaborative" is the divorce and the co-parenting. It is tough, tough, tough, on the kids.

 

Whether or 3 or 33, the children of divorce will suffer loss of so many things - security, trust (in self, the Universe, one or both parents), esteem, confidence...it just goes on and on.

If you are considering divorce, I really would suggest to research a number of sources so that you'll know what they may be facing, and also how best to help your children cope with it, should your marriage come to that.

The book, "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" may also provide insight. Perhaps the library has it, and it's showing 'in stock' at amazon.com

 

 

There are a number of ways to interpret spouse "does not seem committed" -- is that a sense/feeling, based on words & actions, or due to something else entirely? To me it would be about open, honest discussions with Spouse, first and foremost. Relationship counseling, learning better communication skills, getting clear on personal needs, desires, dislikes, etc., learning how best to resolve conflicts, compromise, etc.

That is, the grown-ups need to do all the adult stuff to make sure that they are no longer best for each other, BEFORE subjecting their kids to the agony of divorce.

 

Good luck. Obviously if thoughts of divorce have entered the mind, it means feelings such as hurt, anger, disappointment, betrayal, loneliness, etc., have entered the picture. I hope things work out for all of you.

[grogster]

Divorce's impact varies with the kids' personalities, their ages, the "temperature" of the divorce, the post-divorce arrangements and other variables such as class, income and education.

 

While divorce is never pleasant (for anyone), it does not necessarily mean that the children will be scarred for life, incapable of forming lasting attachments or otherwise dysfunctional. As in most things, it depends.

 

Keep the divorce friendly, maintain some type of dual household arrangement and have both parents stress that each will always be there for the kids. Kids want stability, security and structure. Maintain it during the divorce process and, most likely, everyone will survive.

[Eos]

i am a child of a devoirce,

 

my parents where married and right after that i was born. they went about everything right, meaning they were set to get married so they planned on have children, so i was conceved after they had planned to get married. aound the age of 2 my parents marrage started to fall apart. they stayed together for another 2 years. i dont remember my dad from this time he was always not home, he was working or at my grandmothers house. my dad moved out when i was four, i went to his apartment about once a week. which was about the same amount of time i did see him when my parents were together. the devorice BATTLE lasted 3 years. and it was all cuz of me... my mom recived full costody, my father did get vistation. over thoses years he went to a hour or two once a week to wednesdays and everyother weekend.

 

because of the devorice there have been many upsides

 

i see my father alot more then i would have if they were still together.

i have a great relationship with both my parents. i turned out to be both daddys little girl and a mommas girl.

for this i am soooooo HAPPY they got a devorice.

 

the down sides never effected me till now.

 

i am nearing my 18th birthday and im not sure wether my father plans on paying for child support through college, i fear there might be another court battle coming because my father doesnt want to pay for child support if hes going to help with college.

 

another BIG issue is he remarried and my mother didnt

 

i dont like her. if anything she has upset me more then the hole devorice.

saying that i dont like here is a large understatement, i do hate her.

hate is a word that i dont use lightly, i think that hate is a bad thing and it is wrong to hate anyone. but i cant help they way i feel. so i have been trying to keep my feelings at bay. my father went about his remarriage rather welll he waited to marry untill after i was in my late teen years. i am able to cope with my hatred of her, because as much as they fight (in frount of me) i know he loves her and she makes him happy. i am happy for my father. and i dont let my issues get in the way of there happness.

his happiness is all that counts in that marriage, i didnt marry her, it doesnt matter what i think of her because i dont have to spend the rest of my life with her, he does.

 

BUT on the other hand if my parents were still together i think that they would be really unhappy. and i could not imagine my life today if they still were together.

the devoirce made me stronger as a person. if they were still together there would be more issues then just an evil stepmother. and even that experice has made me grow stronger as my own person, in more ways then i even know.

[Eos]

if you have any more questions about something a little more pin pointed feel free to ask!!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

They always say don't get the kids in the middle of things, but I feel alot of people don't really know what this means yet it is so very important.

 

All my kids know is that we told them one day that we tried to make our marriage work and it didn't so we are going to live apart, and that we still love them very much and they will take turns living with both of us, and we'll still do things together sometimes as a family, and we do. They were 7 and 9 at the time and after 3+ years I know we made the right decisions.

 

My bf however, their kids know everything no thanks to the ex wife. She blames him for everything, bad mouths him to their kids, and their kids know every detail of every reason their marriage went bad. There is alot of yelling and she still tries to control him and make him feel bad for everything. She is a very f'd up person.

 

I am comparing two extremes. It is hard no matter how things turn out afterward but the kids have two parents who love them and you MUST separate the marriage from the parenthood. Do some reading, go to all your resources, counsellors, talk to others in the same situation and make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Make the right decision for you as well.

[Eos]

They always say don't get the kids in the middle of things, but I feel alot of people don't really know what this means yet it is so very important.

 

All my kids know is that we told them one day that we tried to make our marriage work and it didn't so we are going to live apart, and that we still love them very much and they will take turns living with both of us, and we'll still do things together sometimes as a family, and we do. They were 7 and 9 at the time and after 3+ years I know we made the right decisions.

 

My bf however, their kids know everything no thanks to the ex wife. She blames him for everything, bad mouths him to their kids, and their kids know every detail of every reason their marriage went bad. There is alot of yelling and she still tries to control him and make him feel bad for everything. She is a very f'd up person.

 

I am comparing two extremes. It is hard no matter how things turn out afterward but the kids have two parents who love them and you MUST separate the marriage from the parenthood. Do some reading, go to all your resources, counsellors, talk to others in the same situation and make sure you have all your ducks in a row. Make the right decision for you as well.

 

 

this NEVER happens, devorice is a rather emotional issue. there will be at least one time where the parent rolls there eyes at a remark, (or something along those lines) that will show there true feelings about the ex... im not saying this is bad (i dont blame my mother or father for it.... they went through a NASTY D.) but its like the santa thing... the kids will believe what u feed them untill someday someone slips, this doesnt have to make xmas dull.... make the best of it. when i want to no something about there d. i dont want my mom to say "me and daddy fell out of love so it wasnt going to work out..." i dont like being blind sided with the truth later... im not saying tell ur children the bitter details but as time goes along conversation will help bring a bit of healing to what ever wounds devorice has opened... devorice in many ways strengthed me, and i am very greatful to have 2 rather great home lives...

[whichwayisup]

I don't want a divorce, but my husband does not seem committed to our marriage.

 

In what way? Is it possible that some marriage counselling and individual counseling could help you both right now? Is he willing to go?

 

I have no idea of your situation, but could it be that your lives have totally changed and 3 kids under the age of 5 is making him feel trapped? This has nothing to do with love - It's about the responsibility and being a grown up. Maybe he's feels pressured and inside is having doubts if he can provide for all of you and be a good husband, a good father.

 

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Divorce should be a LAST option, when everything else fails..For the sake of your 3 young children, you both HAVE to fix this and work real hard (together..)..

[justchar]

I divorced when my son was 2 months and obviously he didn't know show any trauma from the event. However, now that he is two I do notice that he is needier and has some attachment issues constantly going back and forth between the two of us. Since your kids are all under 3 I doubt when they get older they will have much recollection about it unless it is an ugly divorce and you fight in front of each other. As long as you can be civil to each other, not talk down about your ex in front of your kids and both provide them love and support then they should be fine.

[Eos]

I divorced when my son was 2 months and obviously he didn't know show any trauma from the event. However, now that he is two I do notice that he is needier and has some attachment issues constantly going back and forth between the two of us. Since your kids are all under 3 I doubt when they get older they will have much recollection about it unless it is an ugly divorce and you fight in front of each other. As long as you can be civil to each other, not talk down about your ex in front of your kids and both provide them love and support then they should be fine.

 

 

this "trama" is ok i think when i was young everyone thought i was depressed because i didnt talk, or do normal child things. the truth was im just a shy person, maybe it was caused by devorice but maybe not either way it wasnt a bad thing... tama can come later, i didnt relieze that i have relationship issues, the hole pda stuff kissing and hugging, i never saw it in my house so i didnt think it was ok... the mother and father are supposed to uphold the family system, in some way, that will leave there children with a sence of love, because devorice shouldnt be passed on to ur children. it was supposed to be forever and thats supposed to mean forever... not saying that if u want a devoirce u shouldnt get one but u should still be letting ur children know that it wasnt the normal route to take and that it had to be taken...(it would be a nice lesson for all children to learn)

[bentnotbroken]

I had to take a parenting class(court ordered) and it really helped. I knew what to expect from my kids. Even though they are older and they understand all the aspects of what happened, but it has been harder on them than I thought it would have been. I guess because they really do know most of it and their dad disappointed them. They lost respect for him and now they have to rebuild a relationship. I don't think that will be as big a problem for younger children.

[Kenyth]

Divorce is not good for kids period. Some circumstances are better, some are worse, but none are good.

 

The problems caused by divorce tend to evolve over time. When people get divorced, their lives slowly start to drift apart on different paths. Everything usually starts with both parents in the same town, generous visitation, and no other people involved. This will eventually change. You can't divorce and stay single and celibate the rest of your life. You can't place a guarantee on your employment situation. It's inevitable that there will eventually be a conflict of interest and the kids will wind up being primarily with one household. Money, time and moving can all become big points of contention after remarriage, new children, new jobs, etc.

 

Non-custodial parents get a worse deal IMHO. They are generally expected to foot half the cost of the child and get minimal time and decision making authority. Regardless of how each individual circumstance is, or what the laws say, custodial parents get the trump card and veto ability when it comes to the child. They also generally get to take the child wherever they please to move.

 

This all doesn't even take into account the stress divorce places on the parents, hampering their emotional and financial abilities as well as their free time. This is not conducive to a good environment for the child.

 

I, for one, do not recommend divorce with children except under the circumstance of abuse, neglect, or infidelity. It's a last possible resort when the marriage is already over.

[vedderbetter]

i am a child of a devoirce,

 

my parents where married and right after that i was born. they went about everything right, meaning they were set to get married so they planned on have children, so i was conceved after they had planned to get married. aound the age of 2 my parents marrage started to fall apart. they stayed together for another 2 years. i dont remember my dad from this time he was always not home, he was working or at my grandmothers house. my dad moved out when i was four, i went to his apartment about once a week. which was about the same amount of time i did see him when my parents were together. the devorice BATTLE lasted 3 years. and it was all cuz of me... my mom recived full costody, my father did get vistation. over thoses years he went to a hour or two once a week to wednesdays and everyother weekend.

 

because of the devorice there have been many upsides

 

i see my father alot more then i would have if they were still together.

i have a great relationship with both my parents. i turned out to be both daddys little girl and a mommas girl.

for this i am soooooo HAPPY they got a devorice.

 

the down sides never effected me till now.

 

i am nearing my 18th birthday and im not sure wether my father plans on paying for child support through college, i fear there might be another court battle coming because my father doesnt want to pay for child support if hes going to help with college.

 

another BIG issue is he remarried and my mother didnt

 

i dont like her. if anything she has upset me more then the hole devorice.

saying that i dont like here is a large understatement, i do hate her.

hate is a word that i dont use lightly, i think that hate is a bad thing and it is wrong to hate anyone. but i cant help they way i feel. so i have been trying to keep my feelings at bay. my father went about his remarriage rather welll he waited to marry untill after i was in my late teen years. i am able to cope with my hatred of her, because as much as they fight (in frount of me) i know he loves her and she makes him happy. i am happy for my father. and i dont let my issues get in the way of there happness.

his happiness is all that counts in that marriage, i didnt marry her, it doesnt matter what i think of her because i dont have to spend the rest of my life with her, he does.

 

BUT on the other hand if my parents were still together i think that they would be really unhappy. and i could not imagine my life today if they still were together.

the devoirce made me stronger as a person. if they were still together there would be more issues then just an evil stepmother. and even that experice has made me grow stronger as my own person, in more ways then i even know.

 

I'm glad you came through it okay. But, I HAVE to say (because I'm in a MFA program for English and not because I'm trying to be a meanie), if your plans include college, then you should consider getting some help with your writing. If you can't write well then you WILL have a VERY hard time in college if you can even get in. Writing is difficult for many people (not their first language/disabilities/whatever) and there is no shame in working on it. I just thought that because you mentioned college, I would throw that out there.

 

I'll go back to minding my own business now.

[Eos]

I'm glad you came through it okay. But, I HAVE to say (because I'm in a MFA program for English and not because I'm trying to be a meanie), if your plans include college, then you should consider getting some help with your writing. If you can't write well then you WILL have a VERY hard time in college if you can even get in. Writing is difficult for many people (not their first language/disabilities/whatever) and there is no shame in working on it. I just thought that because you mentioned college, I would throw that out there.

 

I'll go back to minding my own business now.

 

 

well not to sound TOO offended or anything...

 

i have a nice happy case of dyslexia.

 

althoung i do understand where your coming from, i would NEVER submit a paper without proof reading it, if it was truely an important one that i put alot of time in to i would have someone else read it. but this was not the case, im not sure what else i can say i didnt really think post a comment had to be truely amazing and polished like an essay should be. further more by teachers i have been told i am a fine writer, when i polish my work. i didnt feel the need because i was fairly sure that i got my point across, nor did i have time to reread.

[vedderbetter]

I'm dyslexic too so I understand and like I said, I'm not trying to offend you, just offering some advice from an experienced graduate student in English to another potential college grad. But, I will also say that the best way to improve your writing is to try and write really well all the time - even if it's just a post on an online chatboard. It puts you in the habit of always being aware of your writing and gives you many more opportunities to practice than just saving it all up for an academic paper. It's like running - you wouldn't slack off in the gym and then try to break a world record on the day of the race, would you? You'd give it your all while "training" - writing is the same. You have to always try and excel with the written word even in trivial usage.

[SierraSnow]

i think youre done for. give up on everything now.