dreamy1945 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 My MM went back to his wife he said because of finances. He is trying to get his name put on the deed of the house (which he deserves but she refuses). Anyway, he told me and his friends that "if his marriage doesn't workout for whatever reason that he would find me and beg me to take him back" His financial situation is complicated. His wife and I had a long 4 hr conversation and she said it would be a "miracle" if things worked out. If he ever did come back to me would I be crazy to consider taking him back? Right now I just can't face the fact that what he said is all a lie. His friends even told me he told them the same things. I'm trying to move ahead but in my heart I love him so much and want that dream to come true. Any suggestions for me?
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I think it does happen, take a look on the infidelity threads I read a few threads recently of people who did JUST that, they went back soley for financial reasons. And there is a woman on here who posted the same thing about her marriage. So most definitely it does happen. I am confused, how did you talk to his W about this?
Author dreamy1945 Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Where is the "infideltiy forum" and what woman had this experience. I would love to read about it.
KATANYA Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 He went back for complicated finances....others go back for the kids......others for the stability and social circles they cant leave........ There are many reasons why both men and women return to a marriage that is otherwise seen by outsiders (ie. me, you, other people close to one or both of the spouses) as totally irreparable and unhealthy. Bottom line is still that they go back. He is married today. Today he is choosing to be in that marriage with that woman and that life. No one really knows why just that he does. His reasons may or may not be truthful but they are the ones he's selling....he doesnt care who's buying it as long as he and the Wife are. Again, bottom line is you want the dream! You love this man and want it to work out that you and he are going to be together once he sorts out his complicated financial life. We all have some dream and its good to have them.....oftentimes they are what can keep us going!!!! What you have to ask yourself is whether the reality and the dream are the same thing. You have to give yourself a true picture of what you want, what it will take to achieve it, how much of that is in your power and what you are wiling to give up in the process. MM may be unavailable now for the kind or relationship you seek so move on with what YOU need to do. No one said stop loving him - just dont stop living waiting for him. He said if it does not work out he will find you and beg you to take him back.....let him do that! Maybe by the time he's ready to beg you will have found someone who wanted to make you his number 1 from the moment you met!!! Unless you are prepared to be the OW and accept the limitations of that kind of relationship (and I'm not judging that because I am one!) you need to move on, let him know you are continuing to live your life but not as his alternate choice, and get out there and do just that!!!!! Life is too short....go out and find your happiness --dont wait for him to uncomplicate his life in order to be that happiness!
wildsoul Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 My MM was separating and had rented a room outside their home. But then his wife lost her job. No kids, but he also helps to support her parents. So all the financial responsiblity is on him. He's also self-employed, btw. He said he can't afford to support 2 households, and can't abandon his wife at this time. Sure, there are other reasons why he's afraid to upset his comfortable, but boring life. Yet finances is a huge force. Honestly, if I look at just that part, I think it makes sense for him to stay put too. His marriage isn't horrible. She's not evil. It's just dead. If he can just get some sex on the side, then well...that's probably what he'll do until the money issues change. Lots of people stay for money, and in this economy it makes even more sense. Personally, I left my boring marriage 2 years ago. My financial life is in RUINS since then. More than once I've wondered if I should have tried harder to make it work, but it's just because finances are so hard for me right now. Not too many people are willing to live like college students after a certain age. So no, it doesn't seem unusual at all that he would try to stay because it's financially easier.
me003 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Times are tough, yes. I can see how it would be easier to stay in a marriage, but who would want to stay? If its only financial, then why not stay with you? why go back to wife. Will he going back get his name on the deed? How will that be possible if he was married.
NoIDidn't Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Times are tough, yes. I can see how it would be easier to stay in a marriage, but who would want to stay? If its only financial, then why not stay with you? why go back to wife. Will he going back get his name on the deed? How will that be possible if he was married. Maybe the W makes more money than the OP? Maybe the house is worth alot of money should they be forced to sell it and the MM needs that capital to move on from a D? I dunno but with the economy in the states the way it is, and if he's in the states, I'd stay too! I am not asking the OP to reveal the state that they are in, but my state is a community property state. It doesn't matter if my name is on a deed or not, once married it becomes the property of the marriage - not of the individual that purchased it before the marriage. So he may not need to get his name on the deed if that's what he's thinking. Regardless, though, he's pissed off the his W and I doubt she will add his name to anything unless he is busy sweet talking her into doing it. His going back for financial reasons means that he's just staying estranged in the marriage? or that he is going back to the marriage completely? I have friends in an estranged marriage that live together but as parents and roommates - nothing more. Nothing legal taking place yet, but for all intents and purposes they are separated. Sure, they could reconcile one day, but I doubt it. Maybe this is what the MM is going back to?
OpenBook Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 How much money do you have? Does HE know how much money you have? (Catch my drift? This guy is ALL about the money. If you've got it, he's yours.) And if I were the W, there's no way in hell I'd ever put his name on the deed. Ever. Especially not after I just got off the phone from a 4-hour conversation with his mistress.
NoIDidn't Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Echoing OB, I also need to edit my post. It should read that he's pissed off his W, not "the his wife". Sorry for the typo/confusion.
me003 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 What happens if the sweet talking turns physical? How would that make you feel? After all she is his wife, so he would not be doing anything that he did not sign up for. Just like a post said, can you still be just friend after an A has ended? Hopefully that gave you a mental picture of both of them in bed. Do you want to stay now? How would it make you feel to find out that... oops, it was just one night and now my wife is pregnant??? Please just save yourself tears and just walk out, You deserve so much better than just wondering why he is doing this, or what he is doing.
Lyssa Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Anyway, he told me and his friends that "if his marriage doesn't workout for whatever reason that he would find me and beg me to take him back" Owh. That doesn't sound good at all. It looks as if it's all about the money to me.
Owl Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Sounds like you're his "backup plan". IF it doesn't work out with her, THEN he'll come looking for you. You deserve far more than to be someone's backup plan. And...how does he "deserve" to be on the deed, but his wife is able to prevent it? How is the deed in her name only, if he deserves to be on it? Just curious.
Tomcat33 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Doesn't sound like she is a back up plan at all actually! Backup would be let's see if my W accepts me and we can make this marriage work and if not I can always go back with OW. I don't see that at all. I believe he would rather be with you Dreamy but it makes more SENSE to stay at home. Sounds like he has feeling for your but needs to stay married for material reasons. The heart is with you but the head is with the marriage, typical really. You can't pay bills with your heart. Dreamy Infidelity Forum is under Marriage I think let me see, wait now I forget how I get there... edit: ok click romantic and Infidelity and there you are ;-)
herenow Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Why isn't his name on the deed of their house to begin with? Did she own it before they got married or did he have bad credit that they couldn't put him on the deed when they bough the house? Is it possible that he married her for her money to begin with?
Owl Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Anyway, he told me and his friends that "if his marriage doesn't workout for whatever reason that he would find me and beg me to take him back" = Backup plan
Tomcat33 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Anyway, he told me and his friends that "if his marriage doesn't workout for whatever reason that he would find me and beg me to take him back" = Backup plan Oh "shiitakee" I totally missed that. Yup back up plan.
Owl Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 No worries TC...normally I'm the one who misses a key tidbit...it was only bound to happen SOMETIME that I'd actually catch something! LOL!!!
Adunaphel Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I agree with Owl - it sounds like you are his backup plan. he said because of finances. does not sit well with if his marriage doesn't workout for whatever reason he would find me and beg me to take him back. It's very different from him saying that he'd beg you to take him back if he can afford to get a divorce in future (which woukld make more sense). What else did his W tell you? Would she like to work on the marriage?
GreenEyedLady Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 You know the common theme is finances and kids. If he wants really wants you, the fear of "finances" will fade. He will come to terms with it. Just because he divorces, doesn't mean he will have less money. As long as you are "understanding" and go along with the status quo, then there'll always be an excuse. Be less understanding. It gets results. GEL
Recommended Posts