CaliGuy Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 i cant let it go. i cant stop thinking of the chance he'll be back and change his mind. please make it stop. someone tell me how to let go of hope. im so tired of this. im going nuts. The first step in letting go is acceptance. You have to accept that it's over first. I don't think you've accepted that it's over. I know it's hard. I had to do it myself. But the longer I held on to hope, the more it brought me down. I didn't start to heal and get better until I ACCEPTED that it was over.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 The first step in letting go is acceptance. You have to accept that it's over first. I don't think you've accepted that it's over. I know it's hard. I had to do it myself. But the longer I held on to hope, the more it brought me down. I didn't start to heal and get better until I ACCEPTED that it was over. How did you finally accept it?
extraordinarymachine Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 oh, sweetie, I feel so much for you. I have been in the same place you are, and though I've come to see that in my heart of hearts it is best that my ex does not come back, there's still a little voice asking, "Did he love you at all? Why doesn't he call you then? Does he just not care? Am I that easy to get over?" In response to those questions is a resounding, "Of course he didn't forget." Seriously. Sociopaths and totally depraved men aside, nobody can forget someone whom they loved and who brought them joy for a time in their life. Re-read Angel's post--it is so well-put. As for continuing like this, here's my philosophy. No contact is a gift I am giving to myself--it's giving me the ability to heal without stepping backwards via contact with my ex. Should I contact him, I would be comforted for perhaps only a moment because I would always wonder what would have happened if I never contacted him! I would wonder if anything said between us was genuine and if he would have ever stepped forward and said it himself. Worse yet, should the contact be negative, it would re-enforce all my negative "he's forgotten me" thoughts. You have to remember that people are not transparent, and in my experience men in particular struggle with showing how they really feel. He may miss you unbelievably but be negative if you contact him because those emotions and heavy and hard to convey. Contacting him is not a way to get closure, it is a way to beat yourself up and prolong the pain. Stick with it. Not out of spite, not out of mad hope to make him come running back to your arms, but simply because you have dignity and take care of yourself--right now that means letting yourself heal. If you don't take care of you, no one else will. Take responsibility for your forward motion in life and recognize your need to heal--stay NC. You say, "What if I never get over him?" You are contemplating realities that you do not have the ability to perceive as of yet. I truly believe when a relationship ends, you will find a way to come to terms with it. You are still not a long way out from it. When it comes to predicting our own emotions in the future, we as human beings are flawed and unable to do so. Just look at a time in your life where you thought you had it all figured out, and look forward to see how those things change. Don't resist that change! You can't force it, but you can say, "Ok, this relationship has ended and I can't do anything to repair it. Therefore I have to move forward in faith that life will continue to surprise and thrill me as it always has, and believe that there is always more to be had than I can predict when I am hurting like this." There was a scientific study once that showed that people are completely inept at knowing what they might be hungry for at the same time the next day. By the time the next day rolled around, the cravings of the day before had passed, and they wanted something different. Emotions can be like this. Yes, you still want him back now, but all likelihood points toward a time in the future when you will not. Having been on the dumped end of three serious relationships, I can tell you this is unequivocally true. There is wisdom in the old proverb that says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." When we long for someone or something that seems to never come to be, it can make us emotionally sick. While completely ridding your heart and mind of the desire for him isn't feasible all of your own will, let time and your life be your partners in that quest. Everyday you have to realize that life is only so long--we only get so much of it. Grieve for a certain amount of time each day, give yourself that moment to cry and everything, but then go on to do something that contributes to your goals for yourself and your deeper life purpose. This doesn't have to be dramatic, but being sure we focus our energy on what we most want out of life for OURSELVES (not in our relationships, because that involves someone else--I'm talking about YOU, YOUR PASSIONS, WHAT YOU NEED OUT OF LIFE!! every day is extremely fulfilling. Will you never be sad again or miss him again? No way. But each time you face the reality that, at least for now, things are over between you and you live your life for you and not to recover the relationship, you will be closer to healing. Furthermore, there's a big principle to be had in the laws of attraction. People who do not let the big bumps in life derail them from their purpose and their passions are incredibly attractive. Oftentimes the ex reappears when we are acting in our own best interests, moving on with life regardless of their absence. This can drive them crazy, intrigue them, or a bit of both. Oftentimes when they show back up, you realize you are proud of the life you have and don't really want them back in it. In a more rare instance, you might realize they would be the icing on this cake you've baked for yourself! Don't let that be your only motivation for sticking with it, however. You have to do it for you. You will be much happier both with and without a lover when you know that you are pursuing what you most want out of life and that you are convinced of what you need and know how to get it--without needing other people to give it to you. I wish you all the best.
sunshinegirl Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Posts #5 and #28 are some of the wisest words I've read on this forum. Thanks Angel1111 and extraordinarymachine. I've printed them out.
Sassi75 Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 Wow, what a great post extraordinarymachine! I have pritned this out also, and will reread when I need it. Thank you!!
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 seriously....Angel1111 and extraordinarymachine....phenomenal advice. really...ill be printing it. along with confused11 in one of Sassi's threads, these might be the best things ive heard to date. For once, the harsh truth can be said while not making you feel so defeated. THANK YOU. you guys are good people for what you do!
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 Am i being naive to think that my ex isn't responding AT ALL to me because maybe its difficult for him to? We had an overly emotional break up- mostly because of the fact that he wished he could give me what i wanted (move our relationship to the next level) but he just isnt ready. And i was so upset. so was he. The distance i feel from him is killing....is it stupid to think that its difficult for him to talk to me to? Hes not a jerk...i just dont know.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 13, 2008 Author Posted August 13, 2008 i read another response from someone on another thread that maybe the silent treatment was not to give me any false hopes. i know that hes probably hanging out with someone else, as am i. but i cant understand why he wont call to ask me how i am, when he sincerely meant that he'd always be there for me. i just dont get it.
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