HopeDiesLast Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 so yeah no contact with the person who broke your heart so you can move on, right? what if you just want your ex bf to realize what he's lost and come back? He's got to do it on his own, right? and you can't do anything to help that....so no contact, right? i know it seems crazy that i'm asking this, but i'm having an urge to text him and i need to be reassured i've gone no contact for 26 days and it was the right thing to do!
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 There will sometimes be the temptation to make contact but if you contact him, it will push him further away. For whatever reasons, he decided to end things. If you contact him you will be coming across as needy, clingy, even desperate and whatsmore if he is considering coming back to you - this may push him away, especially if he broke up with you for reasons to do with space. If he wants you back, he will realise that all on his own, by the ABSENSE, not the PRESENCE of you in his life.
selena_cat Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 i have been doing 26x4 days of no contact and i say dont do it, believe me its easy to just txt him or send smoke signals to let them know youre alive and dont forget.but then yafter you had that conversation,hi how are you you'll be wondring,damn, why didnt he contact me first? i'd feel resentful that months gone by andhe's going on w/his life and has not giving me a thought and I have to be the one to reach out when he ended it? you'll feel much worst,best way to avoid temptation, lose his phone number,email address,everything. Theres so many threads and things on NC and because i read them it really helped. one said, the ex must realize what they lost and you must be totally absent in their life. You''ll be stronger if you tough it out,i'm doing it.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I am resentful too. it makes me so mad that he doesn't reach out to me at all. im afraid he never will again. im also afraid he'll never truly realize what he had- and ill be stuck pining over him forever.
Angel1111 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 People always underestimate the power of silence. You're thinking that any memory of you is completely out of his head and that you must do something to jolt him back into that world. Well, there's really no need for that because very few people ever forget or stop thinking about anyone they were in a significant relationship with. So, if you don't think he's processing all this information and thinking about it, you're wrong. Unless he's comatose, he's mulling it over somewhere in the back of his mind. Your silence just helps him remember the good things about you. If there's any hope for him contacting you, it's better that you just leave it alone and walk away with dignity. It will bruise his ego somewhat to think that you don't seem phazed by this break-up and that you aren't calling to get his attention. One thing I've discovered is if you leave people to their own thoughts, they're usually much worse than anything you could say to them. So let him think what he wants because that's usually the best thing. It almost always backfires to contact them anyway. You do not want to screw up and undo everything you've done up until now. You'll feel more horrible than before.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 You guys are so right. Thank you for your encouraging words. I'm going to re-read this everyday. My mind plays tricks on me sometimes and i start to second guess myself. I guess the NC thing is two fold- you get over him if he doesn't come back, you make him miss you if there's a chance that he will. Its quite the gamble he's chosen to take.
kizik Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Angel, great post. Your silence just helps him remember the good things about you. This may be true for the dumpers, that your silence allows them to remember you fondly. However, if you were wronged and/or mistreated, silence from the ex, and not contacting the ex, is helping me remember the BAD things about her. Which, in turn, helps me realize how much better off I am without her. Point being that silence and no contact creates different reactions for each party, depending on who was screwed over and mistreated.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I was mistrated kiz. and somehow i still find myself missing him for whatever reason.
CaliGuy Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 so yeah no contact with the person who broke your heart so you can move on, right? what if you just want your ex bf to realize what he's lost and come back? He's got to do it on his own, right? and you can't do anything to help that....so no contact, right? i know it seems crazy that i'm asking this, but i'm having an urge to text him and i need to be reassured i've gone no contact for 26 days and it was the right thing to do! NC was never meant as a tool of maniuplation. Those who use it with that intent will be sorely disappointed. NC is for the dumpee to heal and move on with their life as quickly as possible. I have a question for those who want their ex's back. Why would you waste your time chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you?" Instead, doesn't it seem to be a much wiser investment of your time to move on, heal and find someone who DOES want to be with you? It does to me at least.
kizik Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Of course you miss him! That's perfectly normal. Our rational brain screams, "Be glad he/she is gone!" But our hearts hang on. My point is that you will soon realize some very important and negative things about him. In the meantime, it is possible that he will regret the way he treated you. However, don't hold your breath for contact, reconciliation, or apology. 99% of the time, none of these things come.
suzie q Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 hey there hopedieslast: IF he is going to come back, you are going to want him to do it on his own terms. i can't believe you've gone 26 days! i am super jealous:p. no one can guarantee this will bring him back, but i know you look a hell of a lot better to him not begging, pleading, and being desperate over him. people want what they can't have a lot of times--so be unavailable. i really should take my own advice! good luck to you and be strong. i hope (if he deserves you) that it works out and if he doesn't deserve you, i hope you realize that. i would never in a million years tell someone to give up hope--no matter what the circumstance, no one knows what will happen. even if one thing "usually" happens, it's never guaranteed. though a lot of the break up stories on here are similar, they are incredibly unique and we don't know the exes involved. i am thinking of NC this way--it will either affirm how much i love him or it will make me realize i don't anymore. if you love him, even if he's a huge jerk!, the best thing to do is give him the space to figure himself out. i'm here for you! trust me, i could use the support too right now. be sad when you need to be sad, but don't let it take over. appreciate life for what it is: another day to live and do something great!
0hpenelope Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Don't. Fight that urge and don't contact him. It's been 26 days. Keep adding to those days. Some days will be easier than others, but your goal should be being okay with yourself without him in your life. Your well-being is clearly most important above his.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I have this horrible thought in my head that even if he were to date someone else, he would realize theres no one out there better than me. im scared thats not it tho. im scared this is permanent. im teetering between denial and reality.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I know i can live my life without him. i just don't WANT to. and yes i stole that from a movie- not sure which one, haha
daphne Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 One thing I've discovered is if you leave people to their own thoughts, they're usually much worse than anything you could say to them. So let him think what he wants because that's usually the best thing. Very, very true. If you tell them negative things, they'll use that to justify ending things. If you walk away and say nothing, you're more likely to hear from them and they are somewhat humbled because of what they imagined you thought of them.
mscomplex Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 People always underestimate the power of silence. You're thinking that any memory of you is completely out of his head and that you must do something to jolt him back into that world. Well, there's really no need for that because very few people ever forget or stop thinking about anyone they were in a significant relationship with. So, if you don't think he's processing all this information and thinking about it, you're wrong. Unless he's comatose, he's mulling it over somewhere in the back of his mind. Your silence just helps him remember the good things about you. If there's any hope for him contacting you, it's better that you just leave it alone and walk away with dignity. It will bruise his ego somewhat to think that you don't seem phazed by this break-up and that you aren't calling to get his attention. One thing I've discovered is if you leave people to their own thoughts, they're usually much worse than anything you could say to them. So let him think what he wants because that's usually the best thing. It almost always backfires to contact them anyway. You do not want to screw up and undo everything you've done up until now. You'll feel more horrible than before. Great post!
Wonderlandless Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 This post has made me SMILE for the first time in a long time. I luckily, was smart and quietly slipped away from him upon the break up, only contacting him when it was absolutely important (I was moving and he needed to know where to send my stuff). There were two days I slipped up and contacted him, but I didn't beg. I simply asked him if he wanted to go to a movie, and he said he wasn't sure if he was busy. Of course thats a nice way to say no. After that, I stopped calling all together. When I see his friends I don't throw myself on them begging them for details, I don't even ask how he is. They luckily sense I don't want to talk about it, and leave it alone. A part of me is proud I am handling such a severe heartbreak so maturely (even though privately I am a freaking wreck) and hopes this will look good in his eyes and maybe someday down the road he'll see this and want to try again (our break up wasn't bad. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time in our lives). Then another half says its okay if he doesn't come back, because he'll always remember me as the girl who kept her cool.
kizik Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 A part of me is proud I am handling such a severe heartbreak so maturely (even though privately I am a freaking wreck) and hopes this will look good in his eyes and maybe someday down the road he'll see this and want to try again (our break up wasn't bad. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time in our lives). I agree with you on the being proud of yourself for handling yourself well. However, I have to say that personally, I don't want to ever be back with her. As far as looking good in her eyes, I'm glad I never begged or bothered, but she could think I'm a gent, or that I'm an as$hole, and it would make no difference to me. My opinion of myself is in no way related to her opinion of me. Then another half says its okay if he doesn't come back, because he'll always remember me as the girl who kept her cool. I think the best thing to do - and this refers to something another poster said about never saying there's no hope - is to stop hoping. The cold hard fact is that the ex will NEVER come back. All you're doing by indulging the fantasy is prolonging your healing. You are staying stuck, while he has moved on. Once you totally let go of all hope, you can move on, too. Who cares how he remembers you? The only reason his thoughts would and should matter to you is if he was in your life.
Wonderlandless Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Actually, I always end up running into my exes be it months or years later and so far only one never wanted to try and restart what we had. So, in a way, its some hope. But it'll take a long time. I'll just keep on living.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 The reality is that he hasn't called me. for whatever reason. the reality is that he WANTED everything i did, but never actually DID it. Reality is that he's hanging out with someone else. Reality is that he said he wasn't feeling it anymore. So why the hell am i hoping??? how can i stop????????? please tell me how to let the hope go... i am feeling sick today. absolutley sick.
Sassi75 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Hope - I wish there was some sort of magic we could do to get them to come back to us. But, I have to agree the best way to go is the NC route. As hard as it is, I really believe it's for the best. (you've done fantastic by the way!!) If these guy know that we are willing to do just about anything to get them back,...then it just boosts their ego's and makes them feel like they can do whatever they want, cause we are going to be right there with open arms welcoming them back. We want them to come back because they want to, and have them asking us for forgivness and apologizing for their mistakes and all they have put us through. You know? On the flip side, if they don't ever come back, the NC will have given us a very good start at healing ourselves and being able to get on with living our lives without them. Even though living life without him isn't what WE want to do, we may have to accept it's what HE wants to do.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 people tell me he wasnt feeling it anymore. people tell me hes seeing someone casually. why cant that be enouh?????
Sassi75 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 It's not enough because you still love this man. The thought of someone else being with him,..like you were,.....it's a crushing thought. Just know that you are now better off. You are now free an able to find someone who will FEEL IT with you.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 i cant let it go. i cant stop thinking of the chance he'll be back and change his mind. please make it stop. someone tell me how to let go of hope. im so tired of this. im going nuts.
Author HopeDiesLast Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 32 days no contact and counting....it keeps getting worse!!!!
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