UPDATE:My B/F Uses Cocaine...Mean to me, Tests Me, but wants to come over...

[confused999]

Is this what you were telling me he'd do? I wrote here a week or so ago about my bf who has been using coke on the weekends, loses his temper quickly with me, friends, has road rage, etc. Well I didn't break up with him as advised here. After a few day of NC and then talking about things we started seeing each other again and he has been very nice, happy, etc. We've had a great time. Until last night. He came over, was fine, then jumped down my throat about something super small and went OFF on me, listing things he's pissed at me about, concluding we shouldn't be together, that he should take his stuff and leave. I was shocked, so I went up to him to touch him, comfort him, and he told me to not touch him or he'll call the cops. ??!!??!!

 

After letting him go on a rant for a while I told asked him not to leave, it's late... he calmed down and we talked some more, and he told me he almost got fired that day because he came in pretty late to work when he was supposed to get there early and finish a huge project. He had left for work very late that morning, just kept laying around when I kept telling him he has to get going... he even initiated morning sex even though he was late. He's up for his raise and review, increased stock etc., so it was extra bad he got into an argument with his boss at this time.

 

I can't help but think he was attempting to sabotage his job on purpose... like he is our relationship. WHY???

 

When he left he took most of his things, but left some clothes (on purpose?) and I asked if he could not go to the extreme of breaking up, like he always does, but just be mad and work it out later. He said "I understand, but there's no guarantee." Then left.

 

Now what do I do? He told me when we were getting along how sorry he was, he doesn't want to push me away like he does... but then here he is acting this way. HELP!!!

[whichwayisup]

HE IS ON DRUGS and it IS messing him up. You know this and he isn't the guy you thought he was because the drugs have taken over.

 

The only thing you can do is break up with him unless you enjoy being in a relationship with a drug addict and the rollercoaster ride you're on.

 

Look if you're not careful this guy is going to give you an STD! Who knows if he's shooting up and sharing needles..That could be the next phase of his drug problem.

 

Please stop trying to figure out what he is thinking, because he isn't thinking!

[confused999]

HE IS ON DRUGS and it IS messing him up. You know this and he isn't the guy you thought he was because the drugs have taken over.

 

The only thing you can do is break up with him unless you enjoy being in a relationship with a drug addict and the rollercoaster ride you're on.

 

Look if you're not careful this guy is going to give you an STD! Who knows if he's shooting up and sharing needles..That could be the next phase of his drug problem.

 

Please stop trying to figure out what he is thinking, because he isn't thinking!

 

But he hasn't been on drugs... I really don't think he uses any on work days, and he's been in a great mood. Plus, when he has done them, it's only a little bit, 2 or 3 lines. I don't think this is about drugs, but something about him, his personality.

 

I don't know what to do now, I feel frozen.

[carhill]

He's self-medicating. Do you want to be part of that medication?

[whichwayisup]

But he hasn't been on drugs... I really don't think he uses any on work days, and he's been in a great mood. Plus, when he has done them, it's only a little bit, 2 or 3 lines. I don't think this is about drugs, but something about him, his personality.

 

I don't know what to do now, I feel frozen.

 

How do you know this? Because he tells you this? People who do drugs and are addicted LIE. Please don't take his better moods meaning things are OK.

 

And yes, it is about the drugs - IT IS changing his behaviour affecting his personality.

[confused999]

I can't get it through my head that this is happening.

 

What do I do now? Assume we're broken up? The way he said he understands my point about not jumping to the extreme of breaking up, but just be in a fight, and that there are "no guarantees" confuses me. What did he mean?

[xpaperxcutx]

Where's your self respect? You're letting him freely scathe you with his harsh words, and you're standing there telling him not to go. It doesn't matter whether he's high or not, what matters is nobody is allowed to treat in such and such way unless it's completely validated. And even then I still wouldn't advise you to take his harsh abuses.

[xpaperxcutx]

I can't get it through my head that this is happening.

 

What do I do now? Assume we're broken up? The way he said he understands my point about not jumping to the extreme of breaking up, but just be in a fight, and that there are "no guarantees" confuses me. What did he mean?

 

I'm sorry but I think you need a slap in the face. He's obviously a selfish drug addict who takes his anger out on the one person he knows won't retaliate.

Why are you analyzing him? His words should just fly off your ears because his selfworth has dropped below the level of you even acknowledging him.

[confused999]

I'm sorry but I think you need a slap in the face. He's obviously a selfish drug addict who takes his anger out on the one person he knows won't retaliate.

Why are you analyzing him? His words should just fly off your ears because his selfworth has dropped below the level of you even acknowledging him.

 

I can't stop trying to understand what is happening. You're right, where is my self-respect? I've dated other guys who, when I felt they were trying to control me or slight me, I just stopped seeing. I don't want to abandon him, I feel for him.

 

Why did he go to work so late on such an important day and get in a confrontation with his boss (who is also his friend outside of work)? So you think he's taking out his anger with him on me, because with me he has nothing to lose?

[xpaperxcutx]

I can't stop trying to understand what is happening. You're right, where is my self-respect? I've dated other guys who, when I felt they were trying to control me or slight me, I just stopped seeing. I don't want to abandon him, I feel for him.

 

Why did he go to work so late on such an important day and get in a confrontation with his boss (who is also his friend outside of work)? So you think he's taking out his anger with him on me, because with me he has nothing to lose?

 

He's doing it now playing with your emotions and insecurity with the whole "maybe I'll see you or maybe not" crap.

[confused999]

He's doing it now playing with your emotions and insecurity with the whole "maybe I'll see you or maybe not" crap.

 

Does he do this on purpose, consciously?

[xpaperxcutx]

Does he do this on purpose, consciously?

 

I don't really know what kind of person he was when he wasn't using, but people who has drug problems tend to be more aggressive and destructive. You can try to tolerate their abuse but that just means having them put you down until you lose all self respect for yourself. OR you give them an ultimatum either they clean up their act or you leave. If he chooses the latter, then you know he's not willing to change.

 

And whether he's behavior had been intentional or not, he has alot of anger bottled up. He needs to either join a twelve step program or go to therapy.

[confused999]

I don't really know what kind of person he was when he wasn't using, but people who has drug problems tend to be more aggressive and destructive. You can try to tolerate their abuse but that just means having them put you down until you lose all self respect for yourself. OR you give them an ultimatum either they clean up their act or you leave. If he chooses the latter, then you know he's not willing to change.

 

And whether he's behavior had been intentional or not, he has alot of anger bottled up. He needs to either join a twelve step program or go to therapy.

 

Yes you're right, I do believe he has a lot of anger bottled up. We've been together for 2 years, and I've seen him explode before (not right away... it started showing after a few months, I guess), get mad at his friends when he feels slighted and talk about dumping them and getting new ones, slash someone's tires when they parked too close to him, yell at, throw things at, and follow people on the highway when they've cut him off, etc. And I do think the coke use is self-medicating, I don't think it's the source of his behaviour.

 

I wonder if he plays mind games with me consciously, or because he likes the drama?

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes you're right, I do believe he has a lot of anger bottled up. We've been together for 2 years, and I've seen him explode before (not right away... it started showing after a few months, I guess), get mad at his friends when he feels slighted and talk about dumping them and getting new ones, slash someone's tires when they parked too close to him, yell at, throw things at, and follow people on the highway when they've cut him off, etc. And I do think the coke use is self-medicating, I don't think it's the source of his behaviour.

 

I wonder if he plays mind games with me consciously, or because he likes the drama?

 

2 yrs is a huge investment and I can see your reluctance in wanting to leave him. But you have to understand coke is addictive, and the side effects are severe. It induces outbursts and quicktemper from the user. And the risk of graduating to meth and other drugs are high.

 

Basically his drug use is interrupting with his social life. He's not trying to play games with you, but his behaviour has indicated he is very prone to outbursts. I think you should stop trying to see this as a game but as something serious. You should try getting him into detox.

[Krytie TV]

You're being his doormat.

[confused999]

How is sabotaging things related to this? It's the WORST time for him to mess up at work and mess up a friendship with his boss since he wants to work for him at another company in the future, as well as work with him on a lucrative side business soon.

 

Is he testing his boss? If his boss gets over it and things are cool again does that prove something to my bf about how much his boss likes him, his work, etc? Similarly is he testing me? Does it prove something to him if I take him back and give him my love when I know he's done drugs, after he's taken out his anger on me, etc?

[Angel1111]

Does he do this on purpose, consciously?

 

I said it before and I'll say it again in hopes that this will sink in. It's got nothing - or very little - to do with drugs. He's abusive and drugs are just the device he uses in order to give himself permission to act the way he does. You started seeing shades of his tendencies only after a few months of knowing him, probably sooner if you really think about it. This is why you're hooked - because he his playing serious head games with you and you play right into his hands. This is a very difficult cycle to break but this is what these guys do. He's testing to see how far he can push you and by the looks of it, I'd say he can push pretty far. Even if HE breaks up wit you (which is completely laughable to me), I promise you he will yo-yo back and forth and make you completely crazy. They rarely end anything by themselves.

 

It seems to be very important to you that you understand why he does this. I recommended a book before that I think does an excellent job of explaining this - you'll see his behavior all over the place. The book will completely open your eyes, I'm not kidding. And it explains why he's doing what he's doing - although you will not like the answer. Here's the information again - please get this book (but don't let him find it or he'll go nuts):

 

"Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)" by Lundy Bancroft

 

You can also visit a website where you can join a forum (or just read) and I think that, too, will open your eyes. You'll see that these guys use the same tactics as all the others. It will amaze you. Here's the website - click on 'Bulletin Boards' to go to the forum:

 

www.verbalabuse.com

 

Please do something to get a handle on what you're allowing him to do to you. There is no excuse for someone to treat you this way, there is no excuse for these childish outbursts of anger. My ex did very similar things and even wound up getting himself fired from the best job he ever had. He also tried to con me into going in late to my job by keeping me on the phone until early morning hours - but I absolutely would not do anything to jeapordize my job. But that's exactly what he wanted - for me to screw up my life so that I depended on him even more. Your bf is on his way to doing the same thing, and to getting fired.

 

And just so you know, you fed his big, fat ego so much by putting up with his incredibly arrogant comment about 'no guarantees' that he probably laughed all the way home. You have no idea the monster you're dealing with. But for your sake you need to figure it out.

[Angel1111]

How is sabotaging things related to this? It's the WORST time for him to mess up at work and mess up a friendship with his boss since he wants to work for him at another company in the future, as well as work with him on a lucrative side business soon.

 

Is he testing his boss? If his boss gets over it and things are cool again does that prove something to my bf about how much his boss likes him, his work, etc? Similarly is he testing me? Does it prove something to him if I take him back and give him my love when I know he's done drugs, after he's taken out his anger on me, etc?

 

He sabotages things because deep down he does not believe he deserves good things in his life. And please don't feel sorry for him. He's an adult and is totally capable of making his own choices. This is his choice and each and every time he will choose to screw up his life. Including his relationship with you.

[confused999]

And just so you know, you fed his big, fat ego so much by putting up with his incredibly arrogant comment about 'no guarantees' that he probably laughed all the way home. You have no idea the monster you're dealing with. But for your sake you need to figure it out.

 

Thanks again Angel, I really appreciate your patience with me here. I'll check out the website.

 

I didn't intend to feed his ego, but was trying to point out how he always jumps to extremes, not just with me but everyone, in that he just wants to cut people off when he's pissed at them. I'm not sure he agreed that we're not broken up. I guess he was vague on purpose, to leave me hanging and insecure. I wonder if he was really laughing at me... does he really get joy or a kick out of leaving me feeling bad?

[Angel1111]

It's not about him enjoying making you feel bad - it means it makes him feel powerful and that makes him feel good. You're just a means to an end and if you go away, he'll find someone else who's willing to be abused.

 

It's all about him. The sun rises and sets for his pleasure.

 

What I would do if I were you is just completely stop talking to him. Then, the first time he contacts you, act really dumb and tell him that you're surprised to hear from him because "I thought we were broken up." He'll start backpeddling so fast you'll think he should be in the Olympics. If he gets mad about it, hang up on him. And then if you really have the guts, tell him that since he was so arrogant about the 'no guarantees' thing, tell him that you think it's best to just do as he suggested and break up. One caveat, though, if he has a key to your apt., don't do this until you have your locks changed. And don't do it unless you mean it.

[confused999]

I know I won't be contacting him first, I can do that much. I'm not sure about the rest. Maybe each hour I'll become a little stronger. Since this morning I've moved from feeling numb to feeling angry. How dare he ruin the good times we've been having lately with his tirade. It's like he did it to get the power back on his side, since after our last argument and talks about his drug use he came to me to make ammends, apologizing and telling me he doesn't really want to push me away even though he acted like it lately. That makes me mad.

 

I logged on to that website and tried getting into the forums, but it says I have to register first, and in order to do so I have to call a number and answer some questions first... What is that for?

[45Reverse]

3 words "Cocain...dump him."

 

No $#it sweetie...That drug is one of the worst out there. Dump him now and reconsider whether you can be with him AFTER he's completed treatment and shown he can stay off the stuff.

 

We are not talking about smoking a little pot here...Cocain is a very serious and addicting drug.

[zicke]

Confused---you need to google codependency---you are far too concerned about his motives, his actions, his job, his whatever--typical codependent behavior.

 

You really need to start worrying about yourself, and your goals an dreams--do you have any? He is not a dream for you right now, the guy is a coke head to disrespects you and verbally abuses you.

 

If two years ago, he had given you a relationship contract--and in this contract it said: I reserve the right to become a druggie, abusive, dismissive, and you will spend all of your energy worrying about me and how you can make me love you enough to quit---and I won't. The terms are these, and you agree to them at your own detriment.

 

Would you have signed that contract???? Snap out of it--the guy is a loser, and most likely always will be. Is that what you envisioned when you first met him? No? Cos it is what he is now!

[jcrew]

But he hasn't been on drugs... I really don't think he uses any on work days, and he's been in a great mood.

 

 

My brother is a former drug addict, and so is my husband. Having lived with both of them while they were struggling, I learned that the days when they seemed the most normal and seemed in a great mood, those were the days they were on something. The drugs made them feel good, so they acted happy. The days they were moody or angry were the days they were dealing with coming down from the high and struggling with cravings.

 

I'm not saying your boyfriend still uses if you're 100% positive he's quit (which I don't think you ever can be, can you?), but I thought I'd point that out just in case.

 

Good luck and take care.

[megapositive]

Confused---you need to google codependency---you are far too concerned about his motives, his actions, his job, his whatever--typical codependent behavior.

 

You really need to start worrying about yourself, and your goals an dreams--do you have any? He is not a dream for you right now, the guy is a coke head to disrespects you and verbally abuses you.

 

If two years ago, he had given you a relationship contract--and in this contract it said: I reserve the right to become a druggie, abusive, dismissive, and you will spend all of your energy worrying about me and how you can make me love you enough to quit---and I won't. The terms are these, and you agree to them at your own detriment.

 

Would you have signed that contract???? Snap out of it--the guy is a loser, and most likely always will be. Is that what you envisioned when you first met him? No? Cos it is what he is now!

 

No, definately not what I envisioned. I am now very angry about how he talked to me last night, and how he responded this morning to my asking that we not break up if he's mad at me, but that he let himself be mad and we work through it instead of jumping to extremes. Of course I'm more angry at myself for letting him talk to me like that and not telling him to leave, etc.

 

He doesn't seem like a loser though?