Jennifer26 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I'm probably a minority here, but I am adamently against having close friendships with members of the opposite sex when married. Of course there are a few exclusions, like if you are both good friends with the person. Otherwise, I think it is generally bad, especially if you're having issues in your marriage. Often, people will confide their marriage issues with this friend and that is where things get dangerous. My husband began an EA a few years ago with a fellow classmate. It began with them doing a project together, and we were having issues in our marriage as well. He started discussing our problems with her and they both developed feelings for one another. I don't think the affair ever went into physical territory, but I believe only because I put my food down and demanded the "friendship" stop or that I was leaving. Here is something you may want to read: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I am afraid that I am being pushed further and further down the line of importance - that she is hiding behind our issues to rationalize what she is doing. I want to have more time and energy swung in my direction - and consistently - and I intend to ask for time
reservoirdog1 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I have to quote Ronald Reagan on this one: "Trust, but verify." Specifically, put a keylogger (google it) on the computer, so that you can read her emails. Her willingness to show you her text messages may mean that she's totally on the level. Or it may mean that if there's something inappropriate going on, she saves it for emails. Don't tell her you're doing this -- you don't want her to get her guard up. It's possible that what's going on is totally innocent, at least at her end. But I'll bet you anything that, at the very least, the guy at the other end of the messages wants to get something going with her. The longer their little interaction goes on, the more deep personal stuff she's going to start sharing with him. She's going to see him as her emotional confidante -- more so than she does with you, since you guys are already having problems in your relationship. For a lot of women, it's a very short leap from making themselves emotionally vulnerable to a man, and making themselves physically vulnerable. What she has going on could already be described as an "emotional affair", i.e. one that's non-sexual but nonetheless crosses emotional boundaries that should not be crossed. If there's nothing physical going on already, I'll bet anything that there soon will be. The time to nip this in the bud, and get the info you need, is NOW. Good luck man...
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 so...now that I have heard so many replies- I do believe in what another person posted - I am a bit old fashioned and do not believe that friends of the opposite sex can be had outside of a marriage - I mean, that is how my wife and I got together - AS FRIENDS FIRST - I want my friend and wife BACK!
carhill Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 That's your truth. Go with it. Do not apologize for or compromise your perspective. Doing so will undo you. For clarity, opposite sex friends *always* have the potential for sex and you are afraid of this happening with your wife's friend and you feel even the possibility is detrimental to your marriage. How does that sound?
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 We will be discussing it - in the mean time - I welcome any other thoughts or perspectives!
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Plus - I just believe that boundaries are being wiped away or maybe, as I think about it, were never installed in the first place!
Ladyjane14 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 How much freedom to you allow??? ...All of it. You're not her Daddy. You're her husband. She's a grown woman who can (and should) make her own choices. Otherwise, you're going to be dealing with resentment.... which is marital poison. Never let your spouse cast you in the role of parent or authoritarian. All you can do is to tell her what you're comfortable with and put the ball in her court. You said earlier.. "I want my friend back". I suspect that you'd like for her to be offering you this attention instead. In the case of opposite-sex friends, energy spent on an outside relationship is taken at the expense of the spouse. IOW, she's feeding this guy off YOUR PLATE, because you have need of companionship and conversation too... and you're not getting what you need. Because if you were, your wife talking innocently to other guys wouldn't be bothering you.
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 True - true - if I was getting the thing that I want - then this would not be as much of an issue - so I have to go with the fact that we are heading in an improper direction and need to discuss how we can get closer and spending more time together!
carhill Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Oh, bad word..... MC? Mention that what you "talk". The texting and the friend and your reaction are just symptoms, right?
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 yea - that is what makes this more difficult - because as I mentioned earlier - I have things that I have not done right in our relationship either - so that is why pointing to these things scares me also because it is pointing to things that are not in my control and also would seem to point to the wrong things - and yet - they still bother me!
JackJack Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 yea - that is what makes this more difficult - because as I mentioned earlier - I have things that I have not done right in our relationship either - so that is why pointing to these things scares me also because it is pointing to things that are not in my control and also would seem to point to the wrong things - and yet - they still bother me! But it seems you're at least trying to make an effort to change some things about what you may have done before, She on the other hand doesn't seem to be.
Author wanttoknow Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 yes - trying to turn some things here and at least let her think about it and get it all out there so that we can make some changes!
JackJack Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Keep us up to date on what's going on. I hope you're able to at least talk with your wife tonight about things.
Author wanttoknow Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Well...we talked - and argued some, but it was not hostile. When it got to that point we both tried to stay in the right frame of mind. I pretty much told her that I believed that the energy spent, no matter how innocent it may seem on male friends is inappropriate. I included myself in this from previous times because I realized yesterday that I did the same thing years ago - when I realized that I was doing something that was wrong in my own eyes - I was pretty much scared straight if you want to call it that. She tells me she can not befriend me like that right now, and at the same time could not disagree that this is not a way to carry on. I know I dropped a bombshell on her, but at the same time, I never really said how I felt (think that is a problem after being together for 12 years????) I am starting to just now find out who I am. I am not trying to wash my hands of things that I am responsible for, and I am trying to show that - because talking about it for years and years has just made her not trust that I will follow through. I said that there would never be any separation or divorce talks until a boat load of counseling is undertaken. I broke down this morning when she left because I pray that I did not damage things in her mind too much. I know that in a sense this is something that could really push her away, but in the same right - I was not being true to myself and our marriage. For any of you that remember some of my older posts - she has become close friends with a coworker of mind - and for a couple of years battled this too. Reason being that I let it go then is that I understood that I had plenty of other things that I had to work on - and again I was not true to me. So I brought that into the mix again as well. I hope I did not throw her off, but I will state again that this is my belief and the longer I waver on this the longer I believe it will take for us to really work on this. Questions? Comments? You have all been helpful!
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I never really said how I felt (think that is a problem after being together for 12 years????) Yes, this a problem. You have to and NEED to tell her how you feel. How this is affecting you and the marriage. She needs to hear it too!
JackJack Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yes, this a problem. You have to and NEED to tell her how you feel. How this is affecting you and the marriage. She needs to hear it too! I agree. You're going to have to let her know how you truly feel. She may be getting mixed messages from you or she may not even take you seriously all together, if you don't put your foot down on how you truly feel.
Author wanttoknow Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Yes - and that is why last night in some ways was a surprise, even though we have argued about things like this in the past! There is a need - my opinion - for the focus to be on us - and she is looking for more "friends." I am not opposed to friends, but when other people are getting focused on in the situation that we are in now - then I have a problem with that - and FINALLY, told her so. We will have to see where this takes us!
reservoirdog1 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I broke down this morning when she left because I pray that I did not damage things in her mind too much. I know that in a sense this is something that could really push her away, but in the same right - I was not being true to myself and our marriage. I hope I did not throw her off... You need to stop thinking like this. I don't care what she might say -- the mere fact that you raised her behaviour as a concern, or sought to put limits on it due to propriety, will NOT be the reason she decides to walk out. If she walks out, she was going to anyway, and she will have made her decision. You didn't "push her away" just by bringing up her behaviour, though if she leaves, I'm sure she'll accuse you of having done so. It's a cop-out. Don't fall for it.
Author wanttoknow Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Thanks for the positive statement - I have a weird feeling - just because I know that I stood up for what I believe in and strangely enough - I am not sorry one bit - the more I am thinking about it the better I feel. I told her how it feels and that I want the focus to be on our marriage and our family. She believes that she is working on it - and I am sure that this is very trying for her as well, but at the end of the day I believe in us! Trying to say that other friends are needed right now I think is a distraction from what needs to be done. This is how I feel - and, in the end she can choose what she wants to, but I know I will be good!
carhill Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Good on ya for communicating your needs clearly Respect her free will and embrace your own. IMO, the more you freely (without expectation) support and validate her, the less tortuous her path will be. The key, IMO, is giving what you want freely and not tracking response or her specific behaviors. Go with the overall picture. Perhaps hard for a man to do, but try to go with how she makes you feel. Best wishes!
next8 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 When your "MARRIED" your spouse should be the MOST important person to you. period. If talking to someone of the opposite sex is okay with your spouse then fine.. but if not then you should respect that and not talk to them outside of work. There is really no valid reason for her to be texting another guy outside of work. ESPECIALLY if it makes you uncomfortable... the definition of friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. that pretty much covers it!? Anyways, most all cheaters start as friends.... And as mentioned by someone else... if your marriage is having problems then your marriage should DEFINITELy come before having other "guy friends" ... If she wants things to work with you, she will be willing to stop at least for now, to make you happy. Or if you dont feel good about making her stop, then have her invite him over for dinner... if she wont then its because something is up. And if she does, then you should be able to sense while he is over if things are "weird" between him and her around you..... Anyways my wife and I both agree that there is no reason for either of us to have friends of the opposite sex. If she refuses to stop talking to him then ask her why having him as a friend is more important than how you feel? Her response will be something to the effect of "Its not about that, its about you controling me" Your response can be something to the effect of " Im not trying to control you... I am simply expressing the fact that you talking to him makes me uncomfortable" and she should respect that if she cares about you.. oh and my wifes response is: If she wont stop because you express how it makes you feel, then there are issues beyond the text msgs.. She says if she wont stop texting him to make you happy she says that your wifes probably sleeping with that guy or definitely thinking about it otherwise she would have no reason not to stop to make you happy / more comfortable
Author wanttoknow Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 Thanks for that also! She said that she would stop the texting - although I am sure it will go a little yet. the reason? I have let this be OKAY for so long that it will take some adjusting. I agree that, and told her this, for right now the focus can not be on other friends. I know she is tired and is fighting a lot - but I am not going to be Mr. Nice husband because this will not help at all. Do I believe it is all innocent - right now - nothing has ever pointed to anything else. and...at the same time - there is no need to be a friend to me if there are others in the picture and that...is in NO WAY acceptable! I had enough "going along" with this and the whole "pushing away" thing I do believe is the easy way out. I am lucky...in a way...that she is still here - and I get that, but at the same time - it is time to make our marriage a priority and that is where I am at!
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 You and your wife need to GO have some fun. See a movie, go for dinner, do something to get out of the house and change the dynamtic.
soda Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Yeah but she EXCLUDES YOU from her male friends. I'm sorry but the men friends I have in my life, are friends with my husband as well. They are included. Your wife is sneaking off and acting very inappropriately, she knows this and that IS why she is saying what she's saying. Scare her, stand up to her and make her understand that she has to stop spending so much time with other men. Bingo. It's the secretive nature of the wife's "friendship" that makes it inappropriate. If he's a friend, she should have no problem introducing him to the H.
Recommended Posts