Jay34 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 my girlfriend is long distance and we have been together nearly a year my girlfriend has been distant lately and seems to always be busy when she calls me, she doesn't say all the cute little things she used to and awhile back she even talked about a break, we are long distance by the way, a lot of it has to do with the fact that when she used to do it i was unreceptive and at times i was even mean about it, so she said after doing it for so long and not getting anything she hasn't been emotionally connected, this led me to realize the issue at hand and i started to correct it, but now it seems like she is only calling right before she has to go and only talking for a short amount of time 30 min or less, when we used to talk for 3-4 hours, she act's like nothing is wrong but i know something is, when she met me she had been with someone who cheated on her and then broke away after we talked for awhile and was with me, Am i doing the right thing by not calling her as much, i feel like if she only calls me in between things she's doing that she really doesn't want to talk, should i start saying all the things i neglected to say for awhile, i just don't want to act like im waiting around for her call all the time? i want things to be the way they used to be where we shared everything, sometimes im afraid that she just used me to get over her ex and because she didnt have as many friends, now that she does i am on the backburner, i realize i did things wrong but i am trying to right them, what is the best way, it got to the point where when there were problems in her life she wouldn't contact me until 3 in the morning and i would answer her just because i was worried and missed her, how can i get her back to the way it was ?
Lucky555 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Are you acting like a boyfriend or a friend? A boyfriend will send her flowers, tell her HE LOVES HER, he will say he can't wait to see her, he misses her, tell her how hot she is and how lucky he is to have her in her life, includes her in future things, doesn't play games, doesn't talk about other girls being interested in him, makes her feel like shes the queen of the world! Are u flirting with her still, i can imagine if she did things and you didn't reciprocate wow that would kill it right there. So you need to step it up obviously. Sounds like your being her good friend and not a boyfriend at this time.
Author Jay34 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 i seemed to have stopped doing them when i took her for granted, but with the last visit i did nothing but be there for her and do things for her, but she still seems distant
LionLover Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Well acknowledging it is a step in the right direction. If she’s said nice things to you and you've went so far as to be “mean” to her then of course she'd distance herself & be less forthcoming in sharing with you. I doubt it’s that she doesn’t really want to talk to you, she probably feels hurt & rejected by your lesser response/acknowledgment. The message you are sending is not a “warm” and “welcoming” one but rather a “eh, whatever I’m not really listening to you”. So, if you want it back to the way it used to be then yes – you need to start being more receptive, responsive, expressive so that she feels safe enough to WANT to express herself to you without fear of being ridiculed.
Lucky555 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 You said it right there.."Taking her for granted!" wow what if she didn't stand up for herself then she would be a fool. I like this girl already haha This below posted by lionlove is right... she probably feels hurt & rejected by your lesser response/acknowledgment. The message you are sending is not a “warm” and “welcoming” one but rather a “eh, whatever I’m not really listening to you”. So, if you want it back to the way it used to be then yes – you need to start being more receptive, responsive, expressive so that she feels safe enough to WANT to express herself to you without fear of being ridiculed.
Author Jay34 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 i understand that i mistreated her and i take 100% responsibility for that mistake, but by not calling me i thought maybe it was a sign to lay off!, i want to see her again soon but i don't want to push it, i sometimes think she used me to bounce from her ex, i met her when she was still involved with him and i supported her, i just don't want to go overboard, i love her but right now im doubting it but maybe just because she is doing to me what i did to her and i know maybe i deserve it, i want to make her happy and make her feel special again, i just don't want to push her away
LionLover Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Her not calling you is because of the message you sent out prior to that & as a result of her feeling hurt & rejected by you. You need to put aside your own insecurity of this “she’s not calling me as much because she doesn’t want me right now” when it’s your actions that led her to not want to talk to you. I’m not sure about the “rebound” from her ex thing since I don’t know how long of a period in-between before she started dating you but if this is a concern of yours (& obviously it is as it is demonstrated by your passive aggressive approach) then TALK to her about it. Don’t assume anything, work that out TOGETHER.
Lucky555 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 shes waiting for you to call. Shes not going to call you..See it has to be a balance. You and her had this: she was doing 90% and you were doing 10%. Now you need to balance this out. Start making up for it by calling her and acting like a boyfriend. If she wanted to dump you, she would. Shes teaching you a lesson son. lol This is exactly what I did when my guy did what you did. However, he never made the call because he was just like you...thinking the same thing. So i dumped him because he clearly didn't have what it took to get what he wanted which was me! So be that man call her and be her boyfriend. tell her you understand relationships taking communication and 50/50 effort! This should help. Your scared dont be, be that guy she met in the beginning of the relationship the guy she knows and wants to be with ! good luck CALL HER!
Author Jay34 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 ok i will try it, the crazy thing was in the beginning she pursued me, i was gone for hours and then she became more drawn to knowing what i was doing, its just so hard to reassure her when all you have is the phone! i may be within a few hours driving distance of her soon, should i offer to see her then ?
LionLover Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yes it is hard over the phone, LDR's are tough but if you are committed to each other then you do whatever it takes to make it work. I would, I think that would be a very sweet gesture
Author Jay34 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 i'm just curious i call her sometimes and she doesn't call me though, like today i called and she didn't and the past day she didn't call either, she seems happy when i call though, i told her i would talk to her later
LionLover Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Well given you don't get to see each other that much, perhaps the two of you can have a discussion about that if that is something that bothers you. It's the same thing with how often you get to see one another, or for her maybe its that and also that she feels she gets very little reassurance from you when she's said cute things too you.
Author Jay34 Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 thanks that's what i was thinking, i was just afraid i might shoot myself in the foot if i mention it too soon and maybe just calling her once a day and see if she will call me if i continue to just treat her the way i should have even if she isn't acting like the girl she was, i said id talk to her later so i'l just fire off a quick text message that i hope she has a good day at work, i just wish she was more direct, im afraid she used me to get over her ex, and when i meant by calling me back when she cant talk or sometimes even at 4 in the morning and for awhile i was there for her just worried, but i look bad at our past conversations from months ago and she would tell me how excited to see me she was and all i would say is aw, it hurts me because its not what i thought at all it was being afraid
Author Jay34 Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 yesterday she called me as usual 10 minutes before she had to do something, during the talk she told me how much she missed me and such and i said the same, the whole time being positive, then she said she was going to hang out with her family and asked do you want me to call you back and i said why wouldn't i, she said she would call me back and never did
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