Well it happened, she left me.

[CharlesFarley]

Some of you know me from discussing this in the "Dating" forum so I decided to put the real substance of my issue in the appropriate forum.

 

The woman that I've been seeing and living with for over 6 months now has finally had enough of the fighting and she has completely closed herself off to me emotionally. I've known her since we were kids so our history together is thick and we really fell in love. Well long story short she's finally had enough of the arguing and fighting and a few days ago she's told me "I'm Done and I can't do it anymore". Those words humbled me to my knees and ripped my stomach lining out. I never thought with all the love and feelings we shared that she would ever give up like this. I certainly had no intention of it and I still won't give up.

 

We rent a Rancher together and the last few days have been extremely taxing and hurtful on me. When she told me she was done with the relationship and that she had no intention of changing her mind, I got mad and started packing my things. I moved 50% of my things to my folks place and then stopped to think. I thought I might be rash on this so I attempted to initiate "talks" with her regardless of how futile it seemed. I love her so much I can't imagine a world without her in my life. Sure we argued alot and we lacked some communication making our relationship unhealthy to a certain degree. But I really really love her and I don't want to give up on this.

 

She has an 11 year old son (not mine) and I love him too. He loves me back. I'm the first male figure she's had around that actually loves him unconditionally. A little bit of history.... before me she was living alone with her son for the last 5 years, only dating men casually but not settling down or classifying anything as a relationship. She's been through alot in her life and she's been burned by alot of men before me. She was molested by her step-uncle when she was 12 years old, in which her family pressed charges. She lost her mother to a drug overdose at the age of 15. Only to carry on and get pregnant at the young age of 17 by a boy that left her and didn't want anything to do with her, or her son.

 

I met her when I was 13, and she was 10. We've been friends off and on over the last 19 years. A little history on me... 7 months ago I seperated from a woman I wasn't happy with. I probably should've spent some time alone and live alone, but instead I decided to get back into the game early. I looked up my friend (she's 29 now) through facebook found her, and then we hit it off and moved intogether. Like I said above we've been renting a rancher and living quite happily with each other the last 6 months.

 

Ok so the arguing and fighting of two stubborn personalities has taken a toll on our relationship. We always talked to work things out and we always resolved things for the most part. Some situations we didn't resolve for the lack of being too tired to argue anymore, but we eventually met all discussions with a resolve. But now she's completely tired and worn out and she doesn't feel (through our fighting) very happy or loved anymore. I can't begin to express how badly I feel for being a part of this unhappiness for her. But I do know that deep down she really IS happy with me and that it's her Self-Preservation and "Defenses" that are causing her to turn away from me and shut down. But what do I do?

 

When she told me that she was done... my world fell apart and I couldn't leave her sight even though she didn't want me around her, or touching her. I couldn't help but to talk to her and be close to her and plead my love to her telling her that I think this is a mistake and we should work things out it's only been 6 months. I wanted her to give it time to bloom and unfold. We were making progress on our discussions and arguments really well and our communication was getting better each time we had a dispute about something. Most of the things we argued about were silly anyway and not worth it. I just of just bit my lip alot of the times.

 

So anyway I've been a complete mess the last 3 days and I'm still kind of back and forth between my folks place and the place we rented together. I still have my things there and my Dog. I can't bring my Dog to my folks because they live in a Condo that doesn't take dogs or allow them to visit. I'm also having extreme financial problems right now which makes it difficult for me to find a place without a partner or roomate to help with the bills. Vehicle Payments, Debt, Credit Debt, etc. Anyway moving on.

 

We went from happiness in our home together talking about one day getting married and having children with complete "glow" in the idea to her not trusting or showing me an ounce of emotion or "hope" in a chance to rebuild things. I've spent the last 3 days crying on her ( I know it's bad ) and becoming a human poet/dictionary of all the reasons why I love her and why we should be together. She usually just lies/sits there and takes it all in hiding her emotions. Every odd moment she'll look at me in tears and her eyes will start to float and then she'll snap back with "I just can't change things" and "I'm done".

 

Yesterday I actually made "some" progress with her by the "talks" and I've now got her responding with "I need time" and "I'm done right now". She does small things to show me how she feels about me which leaves me hanging in the state of Hope. For example... she let me climb into bed with her the other night and she allowed me to show her affection. I rolled over to see how she would react, and she move right up behind me and put her arm over me. I felt like a million dollars, can't explain how good that felt. When I leave she walks up to me and kisses me once on the lips, then hugs me telling me to have a good day.

 

She still remarks "But don't think this changes anything" as in she plans on sticking to her guns. Pride? Anyway I don't believe her when she says that I think she's only saying that so she can show me that she doesn't want to do anything she doesn't have to or become caged in. So when she tells me that nothing is changed and that she can't do any of this right now, I ask her "Do you love me still?" she responds "Yes" every time. Sometimes she makes eye contact when she says it, other times she's cooking or looking at something when she says "Yes". I dared to ask her... "But are you IN-LOVE with me?" and she replied "I don't know". It's obvious she loves me but to what degree. Does she just feel sorry for me?

 

So I confronted her yesterday on all these issues and told her that I don't plan on giving up and I'm going to keep trying until she tells me she doesn't love me anymore. She told me "Thats fine" but that she couldn't be around me right now. She said I was welcome to leave my things in the house and the Dog and that she would take care of the Dog for me until either she figured things out, or I did. I told her that I don't want her playing games with my heart or leading me on. I told her that I don't want her to allow me to be around knowing that I don't want a friendship, I want a relationship. She agreed and told me that she doesn't want to lead me on either and that she's being direct as she can. She just doesn't want to commit right now and that she still loves me and appears as though she still has feelings for me by means of how she looks at me still and how she kisses me and shows affection in the odd moments when I get close to her. It's almost as though she's fighting the urge to touch me.

 

So I know one thing for certain.. in the midst of our discussions she slipped out and just blabbed "I'm just trying to be open here" while we were discussing chances and hope of a new leaf. She never says "I don't ever want to be with you again, or marry you ever". She never places a time frame on anything nor does she cut the possibilities off. She just says "I need time right now" or "I'm not ready" or "I'm done for right now". Then when I suggested the idea of just grabbing all of my things and leaving last night, she commented "Just leave it". I didn't dare ask her "Why" knowing what road that would go down. I didn't want her back up again or to make her feel caged in or pushed so I just agreed. She's definately not ready to give me a definative response or conclusion on things. Sounds to me like she IS considering this and she doesn't want to completely close contact with me.

 

But I'm having extreme difficulty not knowing what she's going to do here. She may realize that she does love me and I'm worth keeping as she fought so hard to keep me up to this point why give up now. Or (dreadfully painful) she may realize that she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore and would like to remain friends. If that's her choice I will die once more from the night she told me it was done. I'm talking "Go Live in the Mountains" material here. This would really throw me. I've never felt so strongly for a woman before, I really love her to death. I would do anything for her which is why I'm granting her time away from me to allow her to process this and think. But I'm still having trouble reading her and I go to my folks place every night to sleep with an empty and doubting feeling in my gut despite the glint of hope she has now left me with.

 

I don't know if she's stretching things out here to let me down easy or if she really means to "consider us". I'm hoping the latter. I can't eat, sleep or work or even function normally right now. I've tried being social and going out with friends but it just makes me feel even more sick to be "fake-happy" around my friends with all the pain I'm experiencing right now. I have more trouble being around people than I do being alone as strange as that sounds. When I'm alone I can have break-downs and no one will see it. I've had plenty of those in the last 48 hours asking God why he's doing this to me right now and why he's allowing me to feel so bloody strongly for someone who's rejecting me right now.

 

Any advice from all of you would be greatly appreciated, I'm so hurt.

[Paralyzed]

Brother, i think she is toying with you. Leave her alone for a while and see what happens.

[hcd03]

Arguing consistently can wear a woman down. A LOT. As a woman, it's one of the main reasons I'm trying to leave my fiance.

 

When you argue with her, do you ever do something to make up for the arguement? Women are all about balance.

 

Whenever you do something negative (even if it's not your fault), you need to do something positive to counteract it. If you argue a lot but don't do much to show her you appreciate her, well, you're on the big negative scale right now.

 

If you do keep a good balance, then there may be other reasons as to why she's considering leaving you. You may need to sit down and ask her if it's just the arguing or if there's more and what you and she can do to correct those issues.

[CharlesFarley]

Brother, i think she is toying with you. Leave her alone for a while and see what happens.

 

I agree.. thats the only way to find out if she's toying with me. She directly told me that she won't do that, and her word is usually pretty good and stable. But I guess I can't take her on that right now considering her emotional state, right?

[CharlesFarley]

Arguing consistently can wear a woman down. A LOT. As a woman, it's one of the main reasons I'm trying to leave my fiance.

 

When you argue with her, do you ever do something to make up for the arguement? Women are all about balance.

 

Whenever you do something negative (even if it's not your fault), you need to do something positive to counteract it. If you argue a lot but don't do much to show her you appreciate her, well, you're on the big negative scale right now.

 

If you do keep a good balance, then there may be other reasons as to why she's considering leaving you. You may need to sit down and ask her if it's just the arguing or if there's more and what you and she can do to correct those issues.

 

Well it's typically only the arguments and how frequent they are and how long they last when they occur is what she said gets her. She's already left me, but she hasn't cut me completely loose for some reason. She can see me hanging on and it's almost as though she wants me too. But she definately knows that I'm not going to hang onto nothing. So she has to ensure that there is hope for me, otherwise she knows I'm walking.

 

Counterbalance, absolutely. I always immediately appologize for the things I said and my wrongs in the dispute. Then I take her out to a movie or plan something nice for the following day. Romance is not our problem.

[Shygirl15]

Charles, I'm sorry I have to say this but reading your previous post and now this, you come accross as an argumentative type that tends to make a big deal over some small issues. Is this your way of exciting yourself when you get bored? Like hdc said, too many arguments tend to wear people down. Stop blaming this woman and take a good look at yourself first. You appear to have a difficult personality.

[CharlesFarley]

Charles, I'm sorry I have to say this but reading your previous post and now this, you come accross as an argumentative type that tends to make a big deal over some small issues. Is this your way of exciting yourself when you get bored? Like hdc said, too many arguments tend to wear people down. Stop blaming this woman and take a good look at yourself first. You appear to have a difficult personality.

 

Well you're entitled to your opinions Shygirls. You can judge me all you like based on "Posts", but you're definately not right and you don't know me.

 

"Judging by your posts" and thats it.

[Shygirl15]

Well you're entitled to your opinions Shygirls. You can judge me all you like based on "Posts", but you're definately not right and you don't know me.

 

"Judging by your posts" and thats it.

 

See, this is what I'm talking about. You tend to lash out at people whenever they mention something negative about you, or something you don't want to hear. You're basically in denial. And FYI, I'm not judging you and your personal life does not interest me one bit, however I thought you could benefit from an honest opinion, based on what I have observed from your posts. It really doesn't help you to get one-sided opinions all the time. She might have had her faults, and clearly, so do you.

 

Anyways, wish you all the best out there.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Well you're entitled to your opinions Shygirls. You can judge me all you like based on "Posts", but you're definately not right and you don't know me.

 

"Judging by your posts" and thats it.

You do realize that you've just proven her point, don't you?

 

Your blind and overwhelming defensiveness is hindering you from hearing the things you need to hear to become better as a person and make your future relationships work.

[CharlesFarley]

You do realize that you've just proven her point, don't you?

 

Your blind and overwhelming defensiveness is hindering you from hearing the things you need to hear to become better as a person and make your future relationships work.

 

I agree, I do have flaws and I do have faults, a couple of them is being defensive and argumentive. I'm not denying anything here for the record, I'm also aware that the fighting and arguing probably wore her out. So bad.. that it hurt to the point where she was done. She doesn't want that negative feeling anymore and neither do I. But do I want to give up and lose her when I can't stop loving her? Absolutely not. If she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want me around, that will probably end things right there for me. Because you can't fight an uphill battle and if someone doesn't love you back whats the point?

 

I'm not trying to be ignorant or defensive to anyone who's responded to me here. I'm just hurt and all messed up inside. My defenses are up and I'm tempted to hit the bottle again and just accept the fact that I lost someone so special to me it's killing me. I can't do anything right now, I've been off work for a week.. will probably lose my job any day now. But I literally can't do it, this love-loss has crippled me. I came in here to try and feel better, to hang on to something in life hoping that other people around the world could guide me somehow and give me advice.

 

She told me she will not lead me on or hurt me because she doesn't do those kinds of things. She told me that when she's done with a man, she's done. But me fighting for her and telling her that I'm not giving up seems to have caught her curiosity because she's letting me give her affection and she's still letting me see her alone. She actually invited me to stay over because she felt bad that I had to sleep on someone's sofa for the last week or so. She also still admits (when I ask her) that she loves me.

 

What do I know for certain? I know that she's too hurt and guarded to have a relationship right now and probably will be for months to come. She also told me that she doesn't know what she's going to want when she does decide to move forward in relationships. When I ask her... do you want me? She responds "Not right now". Yet she allows me to fight for her love and affections. It's almost as though she's playing this out to see where it's going to go. Thats why I'm still hanging on. If she didn't desire me at all and didn't have any intention of a future with me, she would have killed it by now.

 

Thats what I know.

[SadGuy99]

I'm in a situation almost identical to you. The common link is abuse, hers was emotional and physical from ex H over many years. 12yo son. Same actions. She is very hard to build trust with since every R for her except ours has been bad. I think its partly due to the STRONG defense mechanism (hers is based on denial to the point of fooling herself, she is actually very proud of this ability) they build up due to abuse. The other thing is you are probably smothering her, I do it to basically becasue I have no idea what she wants and I desire to make it better. I hear what she says but the 2 dont coincide based on her actions. So I pick and pick at it till I get something that makes sense.

 

I dont have the answer for you, if someone else does I'd love to read about it. In the past it usually involved some alone time (days) followed by a very calm discussion.

 

In my experience a lot of it is her making a decision. Then forcing herself to follow it, whether or not she really still feels that way. I wish they would just say what they want and how they feel so we didnt have to play games like this.

[Chinook]

Charles, many years ago... I dated a guy like you. Just for six months. He was a really nice guy, funny, flirty, thoughtful .... and defensive & argumentative at the same time. I loved one side of his personality ... but over time, I discovered I simply just couldn't live with the rest of him. He made me exhausted and tired just trying to initiate a normal conversation with him. Every last thing was a big deal. Every chance he got he used to push my buttons. It had nothing to do with abuse or defense mechanisms.... we were great friends.... who simply discovered after living together for a while, we weren't really compatible. It seems to me, your girl has simply reached that realisation before you. Can you do anything about it...? I don't think you can. It's not about her 'mind being made up' it's simply that it's not working for her... and... her heart just isn't in it anymore. That's a pretty hard place to come back from. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy or will. It had nothing to do with how I emotionally felt inside about the guy, I liked him alot and had planned a future with him. But when reality bites that this is how it is for the long haul... well, the instinct of 'I just can't do this' is alot stronger.

 

Some things you might want to think about... when you guys are arguing...

 

Take a time out. Instead of going at it, stop... just stop... ask her to stop and say 'lets come back to this later, when we're calmer'. Don't just say it, agree it.

 

Secondly, say you're sorry - even if you don't think it's your fault. It doesn't matter very often whose fault an argument is. There are no winners because both people want to be heard. All you have to say is 'I hear you and I'm sorry' (preferably followed by a hug).

 

Tell the other person 'you're right, I'm wrong'. End the argument. It takes a bigger person to put their disagreements aside for the good of the whole relationship - it's not a case of not being heard or being smothered.... simply pick and choose your appropriate timing and when to say 'yes, you're right'.

 

Sarcasm... as is often said... is the lowest form of wit... apparently. It is also one of those thing where really quick-witted people carry it off well with devastating effect. Avoid being sarcastic where possible. Reasoning and debate doesn't need to be overstated with sarcasm. All we do when we make sarcastic comments in an argument is wound the other person... that's not what you want, so don't do it.

 

These aren't really pointers for you... they're things that I wish I had learned a lot sooner than now.

[CharlesFarley]

I'm in a situation almost identical to you. The common link is abuse, hers was emotional and physical from ex H over many years. 12yo son. Same actions. She is very hard to build trust with since every R for her except ours has been bad. I think its partly due to the STRONG defense mechanism (hers is based on denial to the point of fooling herself, she is actually very proud of this ability) they build up due to abuse. The other thing is you are probably smothering her, I do it to basically becasue I have no idea what she wants and I desire to make it better. I hear what she says but the 2 dont coincide based on her actions. So I pick and pick at it till I get something that makes sense.

 

I dont have the answer for you, if someone else does I'd love to read about it. In the past it usually involved some alone time (days) followed by a very calm discussion.

 

In my experience a lot of it is her making a decision. Then forcing herself to follow it, whether or not she really still feels that way. I wish they would just say what they want and how they feel so we didnt have to play games like this.

 

I think it's her defense mechanism thats doing the thinking for her. She still tells me that she loves me and I can see it in her eyes. I can also see the defense mechanism turn her eyes black and she looks away. It's very well guarded and it's almost as though once it goes up there's no going back. I've been on her for about a week now. I wouldn't go as far as to say I've been smothering her because I've only taken calls from her and only saw her (for the most part) when she invited me over, or if I asked and she agreed. Last night she said was okay to see her, but to leave before she had to go to bed. Being OUR place I didn't really have to. But I respect the little peace she has alone by sleeping on a sofa at my folks place and so far it's good for her. Gives her time to think.

 

Anyway we're gunna meet for Coffee after she gets off work and discuss everything. Hopefully we can do that and I can finally save things.

[CharlesFarley]

Charles, many years ago... I dated a guy like you. Just for six months. He was a really nice guy, funny, flirty, thoughtful .... and defensive & argumentative at the same time. I loved one side of his personality ... but over time, I discovered I simply just couldn't live with the rest of him. He made me exhausted and tired just trying to initiate a normal conversation with him. Every last thing was a big deal. Every chance he got he used to push my buttons. It had nothing to do with abuse or defense mechanisms.... we were great friends.... who simply discovered after living together for a while, we weren't really compatible. It seems to me, your girl has simply reached that realisation before you. Can you do anything about it...? I don't think you can. It's not about her 'mind being made up' it's simply that it's not working for her... and... her heart just isn't in it anymore. That's a pretty hard place to come back from. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy or will. It had nothing to do with how I emotionally felt inside about the guy, I liked him alot and had planned a future with him. But when reality bites that this is how it is for the long haul... well, the instinct of 'I just can't do this' is alot stronger.

 

Some things you might want to think about... when you guys are arguing...

 

Take a time out. Instead of going at it, stop... just stop... ask her to stop and say 'lets come back to this later, when we're calmer'. Don't just say it, agree it.

 

Secondly, say you're sorry - even if you don't think it's your fault. It doesn't matter very often whose fault an argument is. There are no winners because both people want to be heard. All you have to say is 'I hear you and I'm sorry' (preferably followed by a hug).

 

Tell the other person 'you're right, I'm wrong'. End the argument. It takes a bigger person to put their disagreements aside for the good of the whole relationship - it's not a case of not being heard or being smothered.... simply pick and choose your appropriate timing and when to say 'yes, you're right'.

 

Sarcasm... as is often said... is the lowest form of wit... apparently. It is also one of those thing where really quick-witted people carry it off well with devastating effect. Avoid being sarcastic where possible. Reasoning and debate doesn't need to be overstated with sarcasm. All we do when we make sarcastic comments in an argument is wound the other person... that's not what you want, so don't do it.

 

These aren't really pointers for you... they're things that I wish I had learned a lot sooner than now.

 

You could be more right than you know. I'm willing to accept that fact if she really IS done. Her words aren't matching her body language at times and she wavers in and out from affection. She told me she's pretty hurt from the arguments but at the same time she's having trouble letting me go. So I need to get into my happy-place and discuss things out with her and come up with a rational game plan much like the one you mentioned above about cooling down and being calm. Not to mention let the other person have his/her way some of the time. You never "win" an argument when it comes to loving someone. I learned that the hard way.

 

The fact is I've learned alot about this and hopefully within enough time to save our relationship so I can show her the new leaf. She's convinced that stripes don't change so easily. I agreed with her to an extent. I am more than ready and capable of thinking this through and making a long term plan to handling our arguments, I will do anything for her. Whatever it takes to heal her, and show her the love she deserves.

 

I just hope she gives me that chance later.

[CaliGuy]

Some of you know me from discussing this in the "Dating" forum so I decided to put the real substance of my issue in the appropriate forum.

 

The woman that I've been seeing and living with for over 6 months now has finally had enough of the fighting and she has completely closed herself off to me emotionally. I've known her since we were kids so our history together is thick and we really fell in love. Well long story short she's finally had enough of the arguing and fighting and a few days ago she's told me "I'm Done and I can't do it anymore". Those words humbled me to my knees and ripped my stomach lining out. I never thought with all the love and feelings we shared that she would ever give up like this. I certainly had no intention of it and I still won't give up.

 

We rent a Rancher together and the last few days have been extremely taxing and hurtful on me. When she told me she was done with the relationship and that she had no intention of changing her mind, I got mad and started packing my things. I moved 50% of my things to my folks place and then stopped to think. I thought I might be rash on this so I attempted to initiate "talks" with her regardless of how futile it seemed. I love her so much I can't imagine a world without her in my life. Sure we argued alot and we lacked some communication making our relationship unhealthy to a certain degree. But I really really love her and I don't want to give up on this.

 

She has an 11 year old son (not mine) and I love him too. He loves me back. I'm the first male figure she's had around that actually loves him unconditionally. A little bit of history.... before me she was living alone with her son for the last 5 years, only dating men casually but not settling down or classifying anything as a relationship. She's been through alot in her life and she's been burned by alot of men before me. She was molested by her step-uncle when she was 12 years old, in which her family pressed charges. She lost her mother to a drug overdose at the age of 15. Only to carry on and get pregnant at the young age of 17 by a boy that left her and didn't want anything to do with her, or her son.

 

I met her when I was 13, and she was 10. We've been friends off and on over the last 19 years. A little history on me... 7 months ago I seperated from a woman I wasn't happy with. I probably should've spent some time alone and live alone, but instead I decided to get back into the game early. I looked up my friend (she's 29 now) through facebook found her, and then we hit it off and moved intogether. Like I said above we've been renting a rancher and living quite happily with each other the last 6 months.

 

Ok so the arguing and fighting of two stubborn personalities has taken a toll on our relationship. We always talked to work things out and we always resolved things for the most part. Some situations we didn't resolve for the lack of being too tired to argue anymore, but we eventually met all discussions with a resolve. But now she's completely tired and worn out and she doesn't feel (through our fighting) very happy or loved anymore. I can't begin to express how badly I feel for being a part of this unhappiness for her. But I do know that deep down she really IS happy with me and that it's her Self-Preservation and "Defenses" that are causing her to turn away from me and shut down. But what do I do?

 

When she told me that she was done... my world fell apart and I couldn't leave her sight even though she didn't want me around her, or touching her. I couldn't help but to talk to her and be close to her and plead my love to her telling her that I think this is a mistake and we should work things out it's only been 6 months. I wanted her to give it time to bloom and unfold. We were making progress on our discussions and arguments really well and our communication was getting better each time we had a dispute about something. Most of the things we argued about were silly anyway and not worth it. I just of just bit my lip alot of the times.

 

So anyway I've been a complete mess the last 3 days and I'm still kind of back and forth between my folks place and the place we rented together. I still have my things there and my Dog. I can't bring my Dog to my folks because they live in a Condo that doesn't take dogs or allow them to visit. I'm also having extreme financial problems right now which makes it difficult for me to find a place without a partner or roomate to help with the bills. Vehicle Payments, Debt, Credit Debt, etc. Anyway moving on.

 

We went from happiness in our home together talking about one day getting married and having children with complete "glow" in the idea to her not trusting or showing me an ounce of emotion or "hope" in a chance to rebuild things. I've spent the last 3 days crying on her ( I know it's bad ) and becoming a human poet/dictionary of all the reasons why I love her and why we should be together. She usually just lies/sits there and takes it all in hiding her emotions. Every odd moment she'll look at me in tears and her eyes will start to float and then she'll snap back with "I just can't change things" and "I'm done".

 

Yesterday I actually made "some" progress with her by the "talks" and I've now got her responding with "I need time" and "I'm done right now". She does small things to show me how she feels about me which leaves me hanging in the state of Hope. For example... she let me climb into bed with her the other night and she allowed me to show her affection. I rolled over to see how she would react, and she move right up behind me and put her arm over me. I felt like a million dollars, can't explain how good that felt. When I leave she walks up to me and kisses me once on the lips, then hugs me telling me to have a good day.

 

She still remarks "But don't think this changes anything" as in she plans on sticking to her guns. Pride? Anyway I don't believe her when she says that I think she's only saying that so she can show me that she doesn't want to do anything she doesn't have to or become caged in. So when she tells me that nothing is changed and that she can't do any of this right now, I ask her "Do you love me still?" she responds "Yes" every time. Sometimes she makes eye contact when she says it, other times she's cooking or looking at something when she says "Yes". I dared to ask her... "But are you IN-LOVE with me?" and she replied "I don't know". It's obvious she loves me but to what degree. Does she just feel sorry for me?

 

So I confronted her yesterday on all these issues and told her that I don't plan on giving up and I'm going to keep trying until she tells me she doesn't love me anymore. She told me "Thats fine" but that she couldn't be around me right now. She said I was welcome to leave my things in the house and the Dog and that she would take care of the Dog for me until either she figured things out, or I did. I told her that I don't want her playing games with my heart or leading me on. I told her that I don't want her to allow me to be around knowing that I don't want a friendship, I want a relationship. She agreed and told me that she doesn't want to lead me on either and that she's being direct as she can. She just doesn't want to commit right now and that she still loves me and appears as though she still has feelings for me by means of how she looks at me still and how she kisses me and shows affection in the odd moments when I get close to her. It's almost as though she's fighting the urge to touch me.

 

So I know one thing for certain.. in the midst of our discussions she slipped out and just blabbed "I'm just trying to be open here" while we were discussing chances and hope of a new leaf. She never says "I don't ever want to be with you again, or marry you ever". She never places a time frame on anything nor does she cut the possibilities off. She just says "I need time right now" or "I'm not ready" or "I'm done for right now". Then when I suggested the idea of just grabbing all of my things and leaving last night, she commented "Just leave it". I didn't dare ask her "Why" knowing what road that would go down. I didn't want her back up again or to make her feel caged in or pushed so I just agreed. She's definately not ready to give me a definative response or conclusion on things. Sounds to me like she IS considering this and she doesn't want to completely close contact with me.

 

But I'm having extreme difficulty not knowing what she's going to do here. She may realize that she does love me and I'm worth keeping as she fought so hard to keep me up to this point why give up now. Or (dreadfully painful) she may realize that she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore and would like to remain friends. If that's her choice I will die once more from the night she told me it was done. I'm talking "Go Live in the Mountains" material here. This would really throw me. I've never felt so strongly for a woman before, I really love her to death. I would do anything for her which is why I'm granting her time away from me to allow her to process this and think. But I'm still having trouble reading her and I go to my folks place every night to sleep with an empty and doubting feeling in my gut despite the glint of hope she has now left me with.

 

I don't know if she's stretching things out here to let me down easy or if she really means to "consider us". I'm hoping the latter. I can't eat, sleep or work or even function normally right now. I've tried being social and going out with friends but it just makes me feel even more sick to be "fake-happy" around my friends with all the pain I'm experiencing right now. I have more trouble being around people than I do being alone as strange as that sounds. When I'm alone I can have break-downs and no one will see it. I've had plenty of those in the last 48 hours asking God why he's doing this to me right now and why he's allowing me to feel so bloody strongly for someone who's rejecting me right now.

 

Any advice from all of you would be greatly appreciated, I'm so hurt.

 

When someone pulls away from you the best thing you can do is pull back as well. She wants space? Give it to her.

 

The worst thing you can do is try "reasoning" with her as to why she "should" love you.

 

Stop crying, stop begging, stop pleading. Be agreeable that there are issues that need to be resolved but she needs to know that you're not overly concerned anymore and that "what happens, happens".....

 

Read "love must be tough" for how to deal with someone that is pulling away and als work on you and figur out why you argue so much.

[CharlesFarley]

When someone pulls away from you the best thing you can do is pull back as well. She wants space? Give it to her.

 

The worst thing you can do is try "reasoning" with her as to why she "should" love you.

 

Stop crying, stop begging, stop pleading. Be agreeable that there are issues that need to be resolved but she needs to know that you're not overly concerned anymore and that "what happens, happens".....

 

Read "love must be tough" for how to deal with someone that is pulling away and als work on you and figur out why you argue so much.

 

I will thats good advice. As tough as it is I've been trying really hard to give her the space she needs. But the times when I have talked to her she has given me small doses of "...might there be" in her body language and the way she claims to still feel about me. She loves me, but has trouble believing that the parts about me (and her I guess) won't mix again without it being a problem. I told her that nothing is going to be problem free and a relationship is full of work. But if I'm willing to make the effort to keep our love together and work on the things we need to work on it should be okay to try it. We're meeting for coffee later today when she's off work. She offered to "talk" to me as she could see how stressed and hurt I was over losing her. She knows I don't want to give up and lose her at any measure, so this "talk" must mean she's willing to try and work things out now at this point. Equally I told her that if our "shot" at this didn't work this time around, then it was best if we seperated. So as to let her know that she's not caged in on this decision to work it out.

 

Hopefully there is enough love, respect, compatibility and chemistry left in her (and me) to make this work out. Being apart this whole week has been horrible but I think some of it has paid off because she's had "some" time to herself.

[CharlesFarley]

Ok, so we didn't go out for coffee.. but we went back to the Rancher. Had a long time to sit together and just talk about everything. What I've gathered from all this is that she really does only want time to think and evaluate things. I've been hard pressed to see her everyday and I've only been messing things up. I am going to give her the space she needs now. I have hope now because when I asked her if any of her decisions were permenant with us, she laughed, smiled, and then so "No, I never said that". That is a small glint of hope.

 

She also had me stay over and we had intimacy once before bed, and again in the morning. After we had that, she told me she loves me, but she needs time. She also talked about "If we ever got back together..." but not making any decision right now... so that must be hope. As soon as I realized all this today, I immediately told her "I love you, and I will always be here for you when your ready". She said "Thank you". I then got to the hell outtta there as fast as I could!

 

[kizik]

Bro,

 

you are getting played, you apparently have no self-respect if you are letting this woman act like she's the only one who can make decisions. You are deeply into someone who is unwilling to return the same emotions. I don't think there is anything anyone on here can say to get you to realize that this chick has you on a string, and you're only her little puppet.

 

I am truly saddened by your situation. This relationship needs to end, for good. So that you can learn the truth about her, but primarily, yourself.

[CharlesFarley]

Bro,

 

you are getting played, you apparently have no self-respect if you are letting this woman act like she's the only one who can make decisions. You are deeply into someone who is unwilling to return the same emotions. I don't think there is anything anyone on here can say to get you to realize that this chick has you on a string, and you're only her little puppet.

 

I am truly saddened by your situation. This relationship needs to end, for good. So that you can learn the truth about her, but primarily, yourself.

 

I admit I don't like that fact that she's controlling the whole situation without giving me very many reassurances or emotions in return. But dude, seriously, I was the one that hurt her feelings. I was the one that acted like a child throughout our arguments. I spent enough time alone to think and realize how silly I was acting. She has a reason to be closed off from me right now. But she's not letting me go and she's made it clear to me today that she just needs time without being pressured into a "final decision" or "choice". If I push her to give me some love back and "act" like we're in a relationship again, she'll move further away. Everyone knows the hurt game. I need to give her enough space so that she can see what she's losing in the entire picture here.

 

If she really loves me... she'll cave in at some point. If she doesn't, then after a few weeks or more of not talking, she'll tell me she can't do it.

 

Believe me I've already made it clear to her I'm not coming over to play any little games, or just have sex and run. That crap ain't happening. I give her attention and she returns it. She's actually alot warmer toward me lately considering she's had more time to stew on things.

[CaliGuy]

Charles, give her time but don't put your life on hold. She needs time and space to miss you and you need to take the opportunity to improve your outlook in the process.

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover) during this time. I promise you it will have a marked effect on you personally! It did with me that is for sure.

[almost famous]

Think of it this way, before you got in a relationship with her you left someone because you didn't feel very much for her. Well, that is how this woman is now feeling for you, how you felt for the last woman.