Jumbo Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Question for om/ow....I had been in a A for 7 years with a MW I was divorced when it started....the A now over....NC 4/5 months. The A grew into a love A over the years and I remained monogamous with the MW. ( she was the "one" for me) I am starting to date a little again and when the topic of former relationships come up I have only had the A for the last 7 years. Given the nature of A its not something that I would really like to throw on the table after the first date or 2 when the topic usually surfaces...not that I would be opposed to talking about it later...I wish the A did not happen, but it did and I will never knowingly be involved with a MW again...given all the heartache, pain, time wasted. Although it did show me the love I want to feel in the future with someone single....so that is a positive lesson learned. So my choices are I eaither say that I was not in any relationship...or that I was in an A...both not sending off a really good vibe about me as a potential boyfriend . .and first option would be telling a lie...dancing around the question also is picked up as being elusive....and could raise more questions about my suitability. I always thought that the A would lead to a long term relationship and like most, too late, I come to understand it would not. Anyone else ever run into this issue? When should this be disclosed...if ever to someone new?
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 The last seven years of your life have been a lie. You have lied to everyone around you about your relationship with this woman and now that you are free of the lies you want to start new relationships lying again? WHY??? Put the topic off till you are ready to talk about it. Say do we have to talk about that right now? I'm enjoying the present too much to think about my past. You never know if someone you date will be your future. Don't begin your future with a lie.
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Jumbo Since I started dating I tell them the truth I was dating a seperated man that was not completely over his marriage emotionally speaking, it got messy and I had to move on. Most men understand this completely, in fact a few were seperated themselves and they understand this 100%. In my age group there are more "seperated" men than mosquitos in the woods, so... I would strongly advise you to not hide the fact you were seeing someone that is way worse. What were you doing for 7 yrs? Look you don't owe women any specific explanation in the dating stage, if you find a woman you can trust and be with you can open up to her and tell her as much as you wish. Otherwise you really don't owe women any formal explanation of your past. You were in a rel for 7yrs and it didn't work out. It was complicated. End of story. Most people don't go into gory details about their past relationships in the dating stage.
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 The last seven years of your life have been a lie. You have lied to everyone around you about your relationship with this woman and now that you are free of the lies you want to start new relationships lying again? WHY??? . Because of people like you who will judge him.
me003 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I pretty much started with "my last relatinship was toxic" and leave it at that. Most guys will says, yes, so was mine. I leave it at that. SO far only one person that I have dated knows,,, not sure how he feels about it... he says he is fine. I would just say that i had leave it as it didn't work out for me. Good luck
Author Jumbo Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Noforgiveness - Understood that is why i asked the question. If my intent was to lie I would not have asked the question. I understand what the last 7 years have been. I lived them regrettably.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Noone wants to hear details about past relationships after a second date. If it comes up in conversation just say it was a complicated and painful situation, something that you'd rather not discuss right now. No big deal. Or you could make a joke about it somehow without going into details..
Art_Critic Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 You don't mention past relationships ever while getting to know someone. Telling one sided stories is never a good idea.. there is just too much left to speculation and that would not be a good thing for a budding relationship. If the relationship progresses past a few dates and they ask questions about your other relationships and how they ended I would talk about them as if they were BF_GF type of relationships rather than OM\MW. Nobody really needs to know the details of past relationships in the beginning.. and if the time does come to explain things you will know the right words to use at that time.
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Noforgiveness - Understood that is why i asked the question. If my intent was to lie I would not have asked the question. I understand what the last 7 years have been. I lived them regrettably. Sorry it's just you first question was basically whether to lie and I can't imagine finally crawling out from under all those lies and wanting to lie again.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I agree with AC. Does anyone need the gory details? Goodluck Jumbo! Have fun! And ignore all "the hater." It is time to start living again!
Art_Critic Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Sorry it's just you first question was basically whether to lie and I can't imagine finally crawling out from under all those lies and wanting to lie again. Noforgiveness.. If a person makes a mistake in their life, has paid for that mistake and moved on then bringing the mistake forefront in their future is just plain STUPID. You can call it a lie if you choose too.. I don't think it is lying unless they were asked specific questions about their past and didn't tell the truth.. I don't think putting the past behind you and not bringing it up is a lie.. Why in the heck would the OP want to shoot himself in the foot and ruin any chance of a good relationship with someone else over a mistake they made and moved on from ? I didn't bring up the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety until I feel the realtionship has progressed to the point that they will understand that there isn't anything to fear. Do you tell each new person you dated about any mistakes you made during your life ?.. I don't think you do.. why would you ?..
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Noforgiveness.. If a person makes a mistake in their life, has paid for that mistake and moved on then bringing the mistake forefront in their future is just plain STUPID. You can call it a lie if you choose too.. I don't think it is lying unless they were asked specific questions about their past and didn't tell the truth.. I don't think putting the past behind you and not bringing it up is a lie.. Why in the heck would the OP want to shoot himself in the foot and ruin any chance of a good relationship with someone else over a mistake they made and moved on from ? I didn't bring up the fact that I'm a recovering alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety until I feel the realtionship has progressed to the point that they will understand that there isn't anything to fear. Do you tell each new person you dated about any mistakes you made during your life ?.. I don't think you do.. why would you ?.. I agree that's why I suggested handling it how I did. Saying he was not involved in a relationship is what I have a problem with.
LakesideDream Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Maybe it's because I'm a geezer.. but I don't really talk about past relationships with people I'm dating casually (as the OP is asking about). If asked I'll tell them I was married 25 years with two kids, my ex left the marriage with her High School Boyfriend X years ago. I don't talk at all about anything that happened after. I believe a dating relationship has to mature into something else more serious before "full life disclosure" becomes a topic of discussion.
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