Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I'm currently on a roadtrip and for the next few days I will be in the ex's neck of the woods. We had said months ago, while we were both still heartbroken, that we would try to see each other at this time. I wrote to him this week telling him I was no longer sure seeing each other was a good idea. He replied, sent me his phone number and said he would be happy to show me around town. The last emails we exchanged annoyed me. I can't help but find his tone arrogant - which probably just the result of how I processed the demise of the relationship. At the same time, a part of me thinks it would be nice to see him again.... I just don't know. Can't seem to make up my mind. And therefore, good people of loveshack, I turn to you for opinions and discussions. Should I see the ex?
Art_Critic Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I say not see (IMO)... you are healing just fine and you are both not in current contact with each other.. Saying that though I would do what you feel you need.. if you need the closure and are not afraid of learning something that could possibly hurt your feelings then do it.. Also It should depend on how far along you are in the healing.. if you think you are strong enough.. you could do it.. if you think you are still having feelings for him that are unresolved then don't.. it will just out you behind in your healing..
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Thanks AC. I'm not too worried about having a setback of any kind. I am currently kind of seeing someone (it is very casual but just what I need). I think I'm afraid that it will just be really awkward, that we will get back into those weird dynamics that we had that contributed to the demise of the relationship. At the same time, I do have fond memories of our time together and would hope we could see each other, have a good time, and it not turn into him hitting on me. Just a nice pleasant time. The problem with the last scenario is that we have never been friends. I guess I just don't know what to expect of him if we do see each other.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I can see this panning out in two ways. 1) The best scenario is it would give you some resolution and actually speed up the healing process. Sometimes seeing somebody who hurt you can be good because you realize when you see them that you're really over them. It can also be a good way of ending things on a more positive note if the breakup itself was bitter. Somehow knowing that you both have positive feelings about each other makes the healing process easier. 2) The worst scenario is seeing him again revives old feelings and sets you back, but I kind of doubt this will happen I think it would be good for you to see him. As long as you avoid doing so, you're telling yourself that you're not strong enough to face him and you're not totally over him. When you're strong enough to see him, then you know you've moved on. If you do have the courage to see him, you will feel good about yourself after.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Thanks AC. I'm not too worried about having a setback of any kind. I am currently kind of seeing someone (it is very casual but just what I need). I think I'm afraid that it will just be really awkward, that we will get back into those weird dynamics that we had that contributed to the demise of the relationship. Out of curiosity is it hiking trail guy?
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 yes it is. It really isn't serious but it's a lot of fun. We saw each other last weekend, keeping in touch through phone and emails. He's a sweetheart.
carhill Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 IMO, you're not ready yet. Take a hard look at the initial feeling which led to the e-mail you sent. I think you know the answer. Many more stars to see and trails to experience...
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I think what's making me hesitate to see him is that right now I'm confronted to the fact that I am angry at him. But a part of me is curious. Curious to see how things would go if we did meet up.
Nevermind Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I think you should deal with this as if it wasn't your ex. Meaning: are you genuinely interested in his life at this point? Are you looking forward to seeing him again? Etc. Basically, is there anything else except curiosity that's in favour of meeting up with the ex?
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I think you should deal with this as if it wasn't your ex. Meaning: are you genuinely interested in his life at this point? Are you looking forward to seeing him again? Etc. Basically, is there anything else except curiosity that's in favour of meeting up with the ex? The fact that he was someone important in my life and that he meant a lot to me and helped me through a really anxious phase and that apart from the fact that I am in a phase where I feel I'm better off without him, he will always hold a special place in my heart.
Nevermind Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I get that. But he will hold this place no matter if you meet him again or not. You're not taking anything away from it, by not going.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 The fact that he was someone important in my life and that he meant a lot to me and helped me through a really anxious phase and that apart from the fact that I am in a phase where I feel I'm better off without him, he will always hold a special place in my heart. Could you elaborate on what you mean by you're curious to see what will happen when you meet up? Ask yourself if you harbor a shred of hope that you guys will start up again. Are you trying to keep a door open by seeing him? Are you hoping on some level that he'll make a move on you so you can be the one to turn him down?
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Could you elaborate on what you mean by you're curious to see what will happen when you meet up? A part of me like excitement and action. Seeing him would definitely create more excitement then not seeing him. Also, since he expects us to see each other, I can't help but worry about his feelings if I just fall off the face of the earth and don't call him. Ask yourself if you harbor a shred of hope that you guys will start up again. Are you trying to keep a door open by seeing him? Are you hoping on some level that he'll make a move on you so you can be the one to turn him down? Honestly, no I don't want to get back together. I really believe that this relationship worked the time it did because I needed help and he needed to be someone's 'saviour'. I'm feeling stronger on my feet now, more confident - and beign away from him, I'm even feeling more confident in my professional career (he would often criticize me for not being assertive enough - while at the same time always assuming I wasn't well-established in my field. - he was surprised to find out I had been published for example. Fact is, I have published 5 articles already...). So I really think I'm in another space and that when I enter another relationship there won't be that 'saviour-savee' feel to it.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Could you elaborate on what you mean by you're curious to see what will happen when you meet up? A part of me like excitement and action. Seeing him would definitely create more excitement then not seeing him. Also, since he expects us to see each other, I can't help but worry about his feelings if I just fall off the face of the earth and don't call him. Honestly, no I don't want to get back together. I really believe that this relationship worked the time it did because I needed help and he needed to be someone's 'saviour'. I'm feeling stronger on my feet now, more confident - and beign away from him, I'm even feeling more confident in my professional career (he would often criticize me for not being assertive enough - while at the same time always assuming I wasn't well-established in my field. - he was surprised to find out I had been published for example. Fact is, I have published 5 articles already...). So I really think I'm in another space and that when I enter another relationship there won't be that 'saviour-savee' feel to it. I'm prying a little deeper here because I suspect that there's more going on than you're even aware of or willing to admit to yourself. That is natural, and you shouldn't feel weak because of it. I'm not saying this is true, but just check yourself to be sure: Are you sure you partly don't want to see him to prove to him or yourself how strong you've become without him? Like, "look at the new, improved, confident me I've become without you." This would be natural given the power dynamic in your relationship where he was often putting you in your place. Would you feel satisfied on some level if it became clear when you guys met up that he was more into you than you into him? When you said you thought it would be exciting, I immediately had that thought. I know, personally, I often feel excited about something that I know will probably be an ego stroke. I remember how rejected you felt by him when you guys first broke up a few months ago. It would be natural for you to prove now that you're the one who has outgrown him. You probably have mostly moved on, but as long as you have that need to prove to yourself or him that you've moved on, you haven't entirely. Btw, I don't think it would be the end of the world if you cancelled on him. If you decide to cancel don't blow him off without explanation -- just send him an honest email explaining why. You could say that you were feeling ambivalent but have decided that you don't want to revisit the past right now. Say maybe some day in the future you could meet up (if you really feel that way), and wish him good luck.
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Are you sure you partly don't want to see him to show him or yourself how strong you can be without him? Like see how confident I am without you? This would be natural given the power dynamic between you where he was often putting you in your place. Would you feel satisfied on some level if it became clear when you guys met up that he was more into you than you are into him? When you said you thought it would be exciting, I immediately had that thought. I know, personally, I often feel excited about something that I know will probably be an ego stroke. I remember how rejected you felt by him when you guys first broke up a few months ago. It would be natural for you to want to show him (and yourself) now that you're the one who has outgrown him. You probably have mostly moved on, but as long as you have that need to prove that to yourself or him, you haven't entirely. You know, I think this is a good insight - Do I in return to show him how well I am doing without him? I got that validation a few weeks back when I had to write to him to stop writing me sappy emails. I'll be candid: what I am afraid of is that meeting him will turn into a battle of egos. I'm doing well without him and just don't feel like entering into any kind of power struggle. I fear that our meeting will be about him getting yet another ego stroke - and this is why I can't help but read his last e-mails as arrogant. If I meet him I'm afraid it will be about him doing everything in his power to have the upper hand, to be in control to show me how well he is doing without me. Or worse, I'm afraid he'll try to seduce me - which, in my book will again be about getting an ego stroke. One of the main problems of our relationships was that he always felt that he loved me more then I loved him and so I spent a whole lot of time in that relationship stroking his 'wounded' ego. I hesitate to go because right now I can't seem to approach it without giving him ego-centred intentions, which is perhaps my own ego asserting itself.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 You know, I think this is a good insight - Do I in return to show him how well I am doing without him? I got that validation a few weeks back when I had to write to him to stop writing me sappy emails. I'll be candid: what I am afraid of is that meeting him will turn into a battle of egos. I'm doing well without him and just don't feel like entering into any kind of power struggle. I fear that our meeting will be about him getting yet another ego stroke - and this is why I can't help but read his last e-mails as arrogant. If I meet him I'm afraid it will be about him doing everything in his power to have the upper hand, to be in control to show me how well he is doing without me. Or worse, I'm afraid he'll try to seduce me - which, in my book will again be about getting an ego stroke. One of the main problems of our relationships was that he always felt that he loved me more then I loved him and so I spent a whole lot of time in that relationship stroking his 'wounded' ego. I hesitate to go because right now I can't seem to approach it without giving him ego-centred intentions, which is perhaps my own ego asserting itself. Hmmm...well that doesn't sound too fun. The more you write about this, the more I'm inclined to agree with others that you probably shouldn't see him. It's hard for me to imagine you guys haven't a totally fun, carefree time together given all the power dynamics and ego battling that went on in your relationship. Those feelings will all be bubbling beneath the surface of any interaction you have. What's the upside to seeing him? What are you hoping for best case scenario? Btw, what struck you as arrogant in his last emails to you?
Author Kamille Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 The more I write about it the more I'm inclined to agree with everybody who says I shouldn't go. I don't think I'm in a headspace where I'm ready to see him. The fact I see arrogance in his actions mean that I'm still angry at him. Btw, what struck you as arrogant in his last emails to you? Well, we exchanged maybe 5-6 emails since the break up. The first 4 were all about how broken hearted he was, how he was thinking about me a lot etc etc. The first time he wrote me such an email it gave me the validation I needed: as you remember I felt completely discarded when he chose to end the relationship. The second time I felt uncomfortable and decided to reply in a light-hearted tone. He replied that he was surprised at how cold I was and continued on about how heartbroken I was and about how it confirmed that I didn't love him as much as he did me. I felt that was unfair and emotional blackmail and told him so. You broke up with me, you can't expect to remain forever in emotional turmoil over us, I would appreciate it if next time you wrote it would be to tell me you're doing well. He replied that his messages might have induced me to think he wasn't doing well when in fact he was. Weeks passed by and I wrote to say I wasn't sure it would be a good idea to see each other because I was in another place altogether in my life right now. He replied he was sure it would be a good time and would love to show me around town (mind you, he just moved there and I lived in that city for a year...). He then continued on about how happy he was to be out of my hometown where everything is just so drab and that he heard about some local issues on national news and how pathetic it was. That new city is great and he would love to show it to me and is sure we will have a good time. I'm sure I'm reading too much into it but it felt arrogant to me. Maybe because clearly he is moving on but mostly because I can't help but feel he is intent on showing me he is over me (because of my asking for a break from the emotionally charged emails) and also because I don't understand why he felt the need to put down my region.
shadowplay Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 The more I write about it the more I'm inclined to agree with everybody who says I shouldn't go. I don't think I'm in a headspace where I'm ready to see him. The fact I see arrogance in his actions mean that I'm still angry at him. Well, we exchanged maybe 5-6 emails since the break up. The first 4 were all about how broken hearted he was, how he was thinking about me a lot etc etc. The first time he wrote me such an email it gave me the validation I needed: as you remember I felt completely discarded when he chose to end the relationship. The second time I felt uncomfortable and decided to reply in a light-hearted tone. He replied that he was surprised at how cold I was and continued on about how heartbroken I was and about how it confirmed that I didn't love him as much as he did me. I felt that was unfair and emotional blackmail and told him so. You broke up with me, you can't expect to remain forever in emotional turmoil over us, I would appreciate it if next time you wrote it would be to tell me you're doing well. He replied that his messages might have induced me to think he wasn't doing well when in fact he was. Weeks passed by and I wrote to say I wasn't sure it would be a good idea to see each other because I was in another place altogether in my life right now. He replied he was sure it would be a good time and would love to show me around town (mind you, he just moved there and I lived in that city for a year...). He then continued on about how happy he was to be out of my hometown where everything is just so drab and that he heard about some local issues on national news and how pathetic it was. That new city is great and he would love to show it to me and is sure we will have a good time. I'm sure I'm reading too much into it but it felt arrogant to me. Maybe because clearly he is moving on but mostly because I can't help but feel he is intent on showing me he is over me (because of my asking for a break from the emotionally charged emails) and also because I don't understand why he felt the need to put down my region. His email was arrogant, but I think you should cut him a little slack given the context. People act funny in breakups. He obviously felt really hurt by the fact that you were moving on and wanted to show you that he too had moved on to regain some power. Yeah, he took a petty little stab at your city, but I don't think it's a big deal. I'd let it go. His behavior is only natural; it doesn't make him a bad person. That doesn't mean you should see him. He wants to show you around the city as an ego stroke by taking on the role of worldy tour guide. Try to forgive him for this behavior given the pain he's endured, but stay uninvolved.
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