Author crystal_lostheart Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 Thankyou. Reading these responses is opening my eyes more and more everyday. Sometimes, I still take a step backwards. It's that horrible false hope. Although, I must admit, over the past month I am getting better with the idea of walking away. Getting some control back in my life. I know it will be hard. If I had my time over, I can honestly say, like many of the OW, I would NEVER have done this. The pain is terrible. It consumes you..... every minute of the day.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 thanks for the advice. Just a question...wht isn't 9 months enough? Have you ever been divorced? I have. And I was stuck in my M because I had to make my plan, get my ducks in a row, come to terms with the fact that I had failed in the M, make peace with it and move forward. (And I didn't cheat.) It takes time to go through all the issues from the MP point of view. Now my POV wasn't through infidelity so there would be differences. But I know that my partner was worried about finances, retirement, how the family would take it, etc. He thought we would be poor if he left. (Whatever, like I make good money too, you know.) He had to let all of those fears go. Some can't let go. Sometimes what is keeping him in the M is so strong, he stays there. And sometimes they really do love their W's and families and just want a little something on the side. You have to know your partner and I say at 9 months you barely know anything about your partner (unless they're a friend). You know what they let you know. What the OW asks really is not a small thing when she asks her lover to end his M. As it is not a small thing that he goes outside the M, either. But that's another topic. And I say 9 months isn't long enough because would YOU risk all your security, your name, status and family for someone you've know 1/30th of your life? It's a big decision. Also, from what you've said he doesn't treat you like he's leaving anytime soon. When a man loves you, he puts you first. He doesn't want to make you cry. He shows you with his actions that you are the one he loves. He doesn't belittle you or hurt you. And yes, when they love you and know they cannot live without you, they will move mountains. Now some MM will never leave. Can you live with that? It sounds like you can't, so decide to put yourself first and end the R. It shouldn't be about whether he's leaving and when or not at all. It needs to be about the R and the two people in it. GEL
pelicanpreacher Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 You've not said much about the husband you left. A little introspection there might give you a clue about how you've arrived in your current predicament.
Author crystal_lostheart Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I left my H because I was unhappy - but probably more unhappy with myself. Yes we both had issues in the R. I felt I got M too young. My XH is a nice person but we just didn't have that connection. I can still talk to him as a friend. He does not know about the A. Alot of the time, I am drenched with guilt over the way I just left him. But I honestly believe he deserves better than the rubbish I bring to him. MM and were friends for about a year before we became involved. He chased me and I refused, then gave in. I ended my M within 2 months of the A. He is still M with his child. Just spoke to MM before - what do you think this means? He had a big fight with his W (that's quite normal). She went out Sat nite, came home early in the morning, drunk. He went through her phone last night and everything was erased. He asked her 'what she was up to' and told her 'this is why our marriage is finished'. She pleaded with him that nothing was going on and went in the other room to talk to one of her friends on the phone about it. He heard this - went in and slapped the phone out of her hand. He said to me that's like 'you and me having an arguement and you go tell someone and I can hear you- that's not right'. I sat there and wanted to drop the phone on the floor - I said to him 'why do you still care what she does if you believe the M is over?' He said to me 'She's a mother and shouldn't be dong that'. Alarm bells go off in my head - the opposite to love is not hate - it is indifference. Tell me if that was indifference because I don't think so? Feelings are still there.
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