The Same Story Or Is It?

[crystal_lostheart]

I am in love with a MM. It's been about 9 months. I left my husband partly for this MM. He is still with his wife and he has a young child. His marriage was in a shambles before me and he has told me that he wants to leave his wife but is scared that she will take the child away from him or make it very hard for him. He says he is trying to build up the courage to walk away. We have even spoken about our future together.

 

He doesn't do anything social with his wife. No family functions together, no holidays - nothing. He eats with me everyday, is hardly ever home- only time he is, is to spend time with his child, sees me all the time, even goes on holidays with me. When I put pressure on him to leave, he always says 'his trying to get her to give in on the marriage as well' so he can walk away but see his son whenever he feels like it. I think he is living more of a fantasy than me.

 

Sometimes he can be so cruel and make jokes about his wife and the whole situation and I question myself as to why I am with him. He is a character in general and jokes around lots, but some things you just don't go there. When one particular time arose, he was supposed to leave her. That time has come and gone. I have never been so down and lost in my life, yet I stay because I love him.

 

Sometimes I just want to run back to my ex husband as life was actually better than what it is now. It's like he expects everything from me, even gets upset at me when I don't call him in the mornings sometimes, yet how committed is he really to me? I have read other threads concerning this and I guess I'm no different - they rarely leave, especially when children are involved. Why am I hoping that he will leave?

So very lost I am, any advice would be great.... Thanks

[nunyanunya]

Since I'm in a my two cents kind of mood, here's a few thoughts from a new guy.

 

This isn't supposed to be a ray of hope, but one common theme you will probably see is that things aren't likely to change if hes comfortable with the status quo. If he is going to truly commit to you, then he will do that if you tell him, "you're not meeting my needs. This has to end until you become 100% mine. Until then, peace". If he's yours for real, he'll come. If not, you've likely spared yourself some time and worse pain.

That's not supposed to be read, if you want your man then play hard to get. I think you should seriously consider with whom you want to pursue a relationship. It sounds like more recently you've noticed your resolve waver. Those are important instincts to listen to. Frankly, it sounds like you might just need to take a step back from the whole situation, NOT to get your MM to come to you, but to figure out exactly what it is that YOU want, because obviously your MM's opinion about what would be best for you is going to be biased. Of course these things are easier said than done, and i am not speaking from experience. But I guess, can you really be sure that you're doing the right thing for yourself if your relationship with your MM is making your emotions go haywire? Can you honestly trust yourself in any decision you make about this, if your head is as cloudy as it sounds?

 

oh yea, and if you do happen to go the no-contact-till-you're-available route, it is highly likely that your MM will go to great lengths to get you to go back to the way things were. Again, not from experience, but that seems to be another common theme around these parts. (some of the stories are frankly pretty scary). If that scares you, sorry, but these kinds of situations will show you what caliber of person he is. I think the prevailing arguments go, If he does in fact understand what is good for you, or trusts you enough to know whats good for yourself, then he will leave you be. If not, well then he won't, and the behavior he'd be likely to exhibit should help you let go of him if you take a moment and a step back to see what would be motivating his actions. Sorry, I might be preempting too much.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever you do, don't go running back to your husband. You left him for another man and he needs to heal right now. IF you go back to your husband, chances are you'll still want an affair or be in touch with the MM so that is not right nor fair to your husband to go through pain that again...

 

Sorry to say this, but your MM is not going to leave his wife and child. What's sad is, the way he bashes his wife, the woman who said vows to him, created a child with, COULD be you one day IF he leaves and divorces. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that he won't change and be an a-hole to you as well.

 

Maybe some time alone would be good for you to think about this situation, and also so you can grieve your marriage being over.

[bentnotbroken]

Whatever you do, don't go running back to your husband. You left him for another man and he needs to heal right now. IF you go back to your husband, chances are you'll still want an affair or be in touch with the MM so that is not right nor fair to your husband to go through pain that again...

 

Sorry to say this, but your MM is not going to leave his wife and child. What's sad is, the way he bashes his wife, the woman who said vows to him, created a child with, COULD be you one day IF he leaves and divorces. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that he won't change and be an a-hole to you as well.

 

Maybe some time alone would be good for you to think about this situation, and also so you can grieve your marriage being over.

 

Well said. What is attractive about a man who will bash a woman he married and the mother of his child, yet he won't leave her.

[John Who]

Don't believe your MM he is playing with your emotions WHY,because you are allowing him too.

 

He tells you what you want to hear so you can continue to give it up to him.

 

If he did not want to be with his W he would have left her by now,the kid issue is just a lame excuse card.

 

Why would he leave her you are allowing him to have the best of both worlds and he is enjoying it.

[stillafool]

I don't support affairs but I can say at least you had the courage to leave your husband. Don't go back.

[crystal_lostheart]

Thankyou all fo your advice -it is much appreciated. I have an opportunity to leave my work soon and I am going to take it - at least I know I will not have to see him anymore and I can start to try and move on - I am scared because I know I will be a complete mess.

 

I don't want to get back with my ex - I just find myself thinking that life wasn't as bad as this - but life with him wasn't the best either, that's why I left.

 

I feel so heartbroken right now that my MM has seen me cry in fits of tears, holds me and tells me not to worry about anything. Then I try pluck up the courage to survive another week through this hoping that he will leave. I get so angry at myself. He even tries to tell me how to go about getting through my divorce, and if I don't do it his way sometimes, he get's upset at me. Yet he isn't even seperated. I can't belive I have put myself in this position. He doesn't think 9 months is ling enough for him to make a decision???? He actually told me that it's not fair on me but does not want to end things with me.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore....

[me003]

He is def trying to control you and your life to suit his life and wants.

Just walk out now. Safe yourself sadness and more tears.

 

Just a thought...

Don't you think he might be making fun of you with his wife?

Also if he spends so much time with you, how much time does he actually spend with his child?

Doe he spend alone time with the child or in family?

[me003]

My xMM never took his W to any public work functions. He was always at work, I know because he would call me from work and I would call his work.

 

my XMM and I used to take weekend trips together, we would have dinner, lunch, breakfast, coffee. He would even call me when he went shopping his with kids. He would call me from his house. When he was at family outings. When he went on vacation. When he went to visit family out of state. At one point I wondered if his wife was even real. For two years no one knew of her, juts a name "wife". It was not until I talked to her on the phone that I realized that she WAS real, and I told her that.

 

My point here is this. Maybe this has been their marriage from day one. Maybe she does not even realize that he is cheating?

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi Me003 - Thanks for your advice. I am learning so quickly here that this is a terrible situation I am in. He spends time with his kid alone. I guess he sees his wife as nothing in his life or that's what he tells me. Once when him and I were just friends, I went over to their house for a xmas party and the way they spoke to each other was horrible - no respect whatsoever. He is different with me most of the time, but other times he can be horrible to me to and that's just his way of joking around. And the sad thing is I am getting used to it and just accepting it. He even cracks jokes about my ex husband. He can be very controlling.

 

I just feel so lonely with all of this. My friends don't understand. Some are very helpful, yet others can't understand what the hell I am doing.

 

7 more weeks til I can leave my job. It's hard because I see him so much at work. One part of me really wants to stop this, the other part of me just wants to give in and keep hoping he will leave????

[crystal_lostheart]

Thanks Nunyanunya for the advice. I agree with you in so many ways, however I feel trapped. I was just with him before and i just want to scream at him at how he can be so selfish in ruining my life. He tells me it's not fair on me and I told him 'Do something about it then' It always goes back to his kid and I feel like I can't say anything. What do I do?

[syz]

This all bodes very poorly.

 

He isn't leaving.

He is showing abusive tenancies verbally and yes humour can be used to abuse bully condescend and control.

You really don't want to win this guy.

 

For all you know his wife is being horrible to him because she can no longer take his BS verbal attacking humour.

Many times these MM are in bad marriages for a reason and it isn't always because the wife is unable to see the charming sweet guy inside and is frigid regardless of what they say.

 

How someone leaves someone else says a lot about their character and what type of person they will be with you. Their ugly behaviour regardless of the circumstance tells you exactly what you can expect more of down the line.

 

This is what you do it is simple but hard hard hard. Get a new job and go no contact. Heal yourself from your marriage and from this relationship and then find a good man without this baggage, control, cake eating junk.

[me003]

Please read over your last post.

He does not sound like someone that you want to be with. He sounds mean. My ex boyfriend was VERY sarcastic to everyone and I never realized it until I broke up with him. He is still himself, but comments he makes really hurt me now to the point that I sometimes cry. Looking back I would have been miserable with him.

 

can you see yourself happy being put down for the rest of your life? What if you have children with him and he is like that to them?

[stillafool]

This guy sounds like a controlling bully! Listen to the horrible things he says to you and then think about the way he talked to his W at the Christmas party. He is probably worst than you even know. If you were a fly on the wall in their house it's no telling what you would hear coming out of his mouth.

 

He wants to tell you what you should be doing while he does nothing at all. If I were you I would let him know that you will be moving on with your life until he is at least separated and out of the house with his W. Let him know you intend to see other people and enjoy your new freedom. This will let you know if he is serious about leaving or not. Tell him you don't want to waste another minute of your life on something that may or may not be.

[me003]

because of how controlling he sounds, he will bully you into not dating and waiting for him all your life. Just don't talk to him and date. If he is serious about you he will leave and come to you. However, what if he continues to bully you when he is single? will you take that?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks Nunyanunya for the advice. I agree with you in so many ways, however I feel trapped. I was just with him before and i just want to scream at him at how he can be so selfish in ruining my life. He tells me it's not fair on me and I told him 'Do something about it then' It always goes back to his kid and I feel like I can't say anything. What do I do?

 

Holy crap. He is a total jerk. You need to leave him quick. Even if he dumps his wife he is just going to try and abuse and control you!

[crystal_lostheart]

I have never been in this situation in my life and I am really struggling emotionally. It's very draining on the mind, body and most of all you soul.

 

I know he can be a real smart ass at times. Other times he can be wonderful. Absolutely perfect. For example an incident happened at work and the way he defended me and looked after me in front of others - I was speechless.

He has told many of his friends that he does love me and wants to leave his wife but again, it's hard because of the kid.

Can you see how I get so confused with such hot and cold behaviour?

I feel so stupid sometimes for trying to even defend his behaviour. For the first time this week I really have started asking myself - is it all really worth it when I have shown committment and he hasn't 100% at the moment.

 

Can others who have been in this similar situation, please tell me the best way to handle this? I think walking away 'just like that' from him might be too hard right now. I'm trying to detach myself slowly over the next 7 weeks before I start this new job. I am also planning to go on a holiday away from him for a week, just before I start this new job. Is this a good idea? I have spent nearly every single day with him over the past 9 months, so this may be tough for me to take a holiday away from him. But I know I have to do it.

 

The thought of leaving him is killing me, but all the reply's I have gotten so far on this forum are really telling me that this is a bad place for me.

I used to be such a confident, vibrant, young woman. My confidence levels have diminished. I have never cried so much as I have this year. Yet I cling onto hope that he will leave and I get so angry at myself that I do this. WHY do we do this in this situation??

[crystal_lostheart]

This all bodes very poorly.

 

He isn't leaving.

He is showing abusive tenancies verbally and yes humour can be used to abuse bully condescend and control.

You really don't want to win this guy.

 

For all you know his wife is being horrible to him because she can no longer take his BS verbal attacking humour.

Many times these MM are in bad marriages for a reason and it isn't always because the wife is unable to see the charming sweet guy inside and is frigid regardless of what they say.

 

How someone leaves someone else says a lot about their character and what type of person they will be with you. Their ugly behaviour regardless of the circumstance tells you exactly what you can expect more of down the line.

 

This is what you do it is simple but hard hard hard. Get a new job and go no contact. Heal yourself from your marriage and from this relationship and then find a good man without this baggage, control, cake eating junk.

 

So True - it's the leaving part i'm scared off - how I will cope without all the people that I have become such good friends with at work and that know about the situation and are in most part trying to support us. Yes others, gossip but I don't care about them. Even some of his friends tell me to be 'patient' - let him sort it out and he will be yours. This really effects me - how patient do I have to be????!!!!! Would he do the same if the shoe was on the other foot?

[GreenEyedLady]

So True - it's the leaving part i'm scared off - how I will cope without all the people that I have become such good friends with at work and that know about the situation and are in most part trying to support us.

 

This really effects me - how patient do I have to be????!!!!!

 

You cope by answering questions with a swift,"It didn't work out, and I'm not ready to talk about it." They'll understand.

 

How patient do you have to be? Very patient. It took over 2 and half years for mine to do what he should have done before he met me. 9 months isn't enough time.

 

I don't care what pamphlet says if they don't leave within 3 months time they'll never leave. I'd say that's how long the AP's say they're together. But who believes them, right? Haven't they been lying all along?

 

Of all the cases I've heard of it's been at least 2 years and sometimes as long as 6!

 

But does that really matter here? You don't want a partner who is inconsistent. He's really mean and then really nice. You want someone who is dependable and he can't give you that right now. He's too busy feeling like "the man." He's got the perfect audience at work it seems, too.

 

Honestly if you aren't happy, you need to move on. If you're willing to wait and see what happens, then you need to be able to talk to him about your feelings and see what he says. If he says something rude then you say then and there that you feel *whatever it is you feel* when you say that and if he doesn't care, then you know that he is not for you.

 

Someone who cares about you doesn't continue to hurt you. But if he doesn't realize that he's hurting you, it's up to you to say something about it. Men are dense. You have to practically wave it in their face.

 

Never, ever compromise yourself though. Don't wait by the phone and go out with your friends. Have a life outside your R with him. And make sure he knows about it.

 

Good luck to you!

 

GEL

[crystal_lostheart]

How patient do you have to be? Very patient. It took over 2 and half years for mine to do what he should have done before he met me. 9 months isn't enough time.

 

Of all the cases I've heard of it's been at least 2 years and sometimes as long as 6!

 

 

GEL

 

 

thanks for the advice. Just a question...wht isn't 9 months enough? He has known for so long that he doesn't want to be with her yet he stays. Wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to get out for him? How mch time do these men need to make a decision about their lives? In the process they are destroying so many other people's lives over a long period of time. Unnecessarily.....

Today we had a big fight, he made me feel terrible today -turns and twists it around to make it my fault and i'm becoming hopeless at defending myself. He can be very controlling. I know I have to leave it's just doing it. Building the courage. Is this the type of man that will follow me afterwards if I leave him???? Again, I have never been in this situation and don't know what to expect or do?

[soda]

I am in love with a MM. It's been about 9 months. I left my husband partly for this MM. He is still with his wife and he has a young child. His marriage was in a shambles before me and he has told me that he wants to leave his wife but is scared that she will take the child away from him or make it very hard for him. He says he is trying to build up the courage to walk away. We have even spoken about our future together.

 

He doesn't do anything social with his wife. No family functions together, no holidays - nothing. He eats with me everyday, is hardly ever home- only time he is, is to spend time with his child, sees me all the time, even goes on holidays with me. When I put pressure on him to leave, he always says 'his trying to get her to give in on the marriage as well' so he can walk away but see his son whenever he feels like it. I think he is living more of a fantasy than me.

 

Sometimes he can be so cruel and make jokes about his wife and the whole situation and I question myself as to why I am with him. He is a character in general and jokes around lots, but some things you just don't go there. When one particular time arose, he was supposed to leave her. That time has come and gone. I have never been so down and lost in my life, yet I stay because I love him.

 

Sometimes I just want to run back to my ex husband as life was actually better than what it is now. It's like he expects everything from me, even gets upset at me when I don't call him in the mornings sometimes, yet how committed is he really to me?

 

He's not committed to you at all. It's all about the fantasy.

 

Please don't go back to your betrayed H. He doesn't deserve to be put through the hurt twice. Let him move on with his life. He deserves the opportunity to find someone who won't make the selfish decision to betray him.

 

Sorry -- you're going to be alone and sad for a while. You should have prepared for this reality the moment that you decided to betray your spouse.

 

Go NC with OM immediately and concentrate on rebuilding your life.

 

I'm on the other side of this, but we're much in the same boat. W is a cheater, and I'm starting over.

 

You'll get good advice here. I have.

 

Please, please, please...don't make your BH suffer anymore.

[soda]

Even some of his friends tell me to be 'patient' - let him sort it out and he will be yours. This really effects me - how patient do I have to be????!!!!!

 

B.S!

 

If he wanted to be with you, he would have done it by now.

 

He's not that into you. You sacrficed your marriage...do you want to sacrifice your happiness and years of your life waiting for a ship that isn't coming in?

 

His friends are allowing him to be a cake eater. They are doing you no service.

 

Move on.

[crystal_lostheart]

Thankyou Soda - I felt sad to hear what had happened to you with your W. I honestly did. Most of the time, I feel ashamed of myself for the way I have let this get out of control and for what I did to my husband. Other times, I'm just stupid and blind to my actions. I feel incredibly selfish. But I look at my MM and think he is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life.

 

I will not go back to my husband. He deserves a better life. I lost my marriage and you're right, now my happiness is going, right before my eyes.

 

How are you coping with things being on the other side? How do you cope? I can imagine it would be so painful.

[soda]

Thankyou Soda - I felt sad to hear what had happened to you with your W. I honestly did. Most of the time, I feel ashamed of myself for the way I have let this get out of control and for what I did to my husband. Other times, I'm just stupid and blind to my actions. I feel incredibly selfish. But I look at my MM and think he is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life.

 

I will not go back to my husband. He deserves a better life. I lost my marriage and you're right, now my happiness is going, right before my eyes.

 

How are you coping with things being on the other side? How do you cope? I can imagine it would be so painful.

 

Coping is tough. Offering my advice and perspectives here has helped me when I don't know where to direct my energy, but I go through sometimes when I'm very angry that I ever trusted my W enough to marry her.

 

However...back to your issue. This is your thread. Affairs tend to fog a person's judgment. The chemical reaction of the brain to the excitement and attraction of the affair can become addictive.

 

You seem to be coming out of the fog of affairyland. If you think that OM is selfish, you are probably spot-on. From what you've posted, my impression is that he is self-centered and manipulative.

 

You can't get back the past with your H, but you need to start working on YOUR future now, and it doesn't sound like your future will be better with OM.

 

I encourage you to begin building your new life. Go NC with OM, and start over. It will be painful, and you will hurt, but you will be happier over the long term.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I know you want him to make a choice - but understand this: he already has. He chose to stay with you both. I have seen these 'parallel marriages' on other boards. OW staying with MM and living a half life as a 'second wife' with him for years, decades - waiting for him to leave and make it legit, but you know... it rarely happens that way. He wants his W so that he can have his status quo and his 'daddy' time, and he wants you so that he can have what it is he needs from you.

 

He is a passive aggressive conflict avoider. Leaving his marriage and coming to you won't change that. If his W throws him out, he will come to you but understand this: everything you do that makes him unhappy will end with him saying... "I left my wife and my child for you and this is the thanks I get?".

 

He isn't going to magically change into the man you want him to be. I suspect the problems in his marriage are largely caused by him, and he will bring those same problems to you should he be forced out of the marital home.

 

I know you love him, and you have this idea that things are going to be better - and besides, a little happiness is better than none, right? I can see that rationale. I used it myself to hang on to a dead end relationship with a selfish man after my marriage crumbled.

 

OM might look like the one thing keeping you afloat, but... holding on to him will help you just as much as holding onto an anchor on the side of a boat. It might hold you up for the time being, but when that anchor drops, you drop right along with it.