RJDoute Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Hello, my name is Ryan and I'm new here. I'd like to share a little (read:long) story, and would love to have some responses as to what some of the other members here feel I should do! My wife and I got married at the ages of 18 and 20, respectively. To be completely honest, that's only because she had gotten pregnant. Truly, that's the sole reason, I know it's the wrong one. I'm in the Army, and in order for me to raise my son and get all the necessary benefits (housing, insurance, etc) I have to be legally married. So we did what we had to in order to ensure he has a good life. That being said, the marriage was actually great! The first year was wonderful, I discovered how great it can be having someone permanently in your life, rather than living alone. I loved sharing every day with her and our baby, and she felt the same. Now we're going to fast forward, because if I tell all 4 years of it we'll be here forever. I ended up getting a change of station to a new state. This is where everything goes bad. She claims I stopped giving her attention (she is probably right..) She said I was a horrible husband for an extended period, which I can admit I might have been. All of this led into her being unfaithful. Multiple times. She went out and got herself a job because she was sick of sitting in the house all the time. (Good for her!)The first time I took her back, because it was just an internet thing. The second time was physical, and it was because of her job (she met some very bad people at her job, in my opinion). I took her back again, and we decided to start working on our marriage. We tried some counseling but she didn't feel it was right for her. I worked on her issues with me, and she did the same. Things were wonderful for some time, with some minor squabbles, and then I was deployed again. Found out she cheated on me again, and this time even she claims there was no reason for it, and she apologized profusely. You might think I'm crazy, but after two months I decided to take her back again. I really want my family to succeed, and she does too I think. Now that you have this whole backstory, this is where I need my advice. My wife left for work back in July. Due to a bunch of changes in her schedule she won't be home until December, at which point she'll only be home for 3 weeks before leaving for Iraq for a year. (shes civilian, works for government). I leave in March for Iraq, so that means we'll have around 18 months of no physical contact, and light communication. I really want to make this work out for us, but I had one stipulation. I wanted her to promise me she wouldn't cheat on me during that time. Fair request I thought! She refuses to make that promise. She claims that she's done it before, and she's hurt me before, and she doesn't want to repeat that. She says there's no reason for why she did it the last time, so she can't make any promises that it won't happen again when we're apart for so long. She says she'll "try her best", and says if it does happen she'll call and tell me before she does it so we can seperate. I just can't see myself dedicating 18 months of loneliness to this woman, and the whole time having in the back of my head she might not even come home to me. I need a GUARANTEE that she'll be there for me. That's all that would get me through that long a time, knowing the girl of my dreams is waiting at home for me. She cries, and says she hates that I'm miserable. She sometimes throws it out there that maybe we should just go our own ways so neither of us have to be upset anymore, but I don't want the easy way out. I just want a happy, normal monogomous relationship. She says our relationship is currently too weak to promise anything, and that we need to build it back to a strong base before any guarantees can be made. I don't know how we can build it back to a strong base if you can't even look me in the eye and tell me you'll be faithful? She just goes back to saying "I don't want to make any promises and hurt you again." AHHH!!! Frustrating.. So I pose to you, the community here: What would you do? Would you accept her offer of "try your hardest" and hope for the best? Would you leave everything you have behind to try to start fresh? Would you continue trying to make her see the light? I love my wife and my son very much. I want for us to stay together for the next 200 years, through good and bad. I don't want my heart to be stepped on again, though. If you read this entire thing, you're an animal! If you take the time to post after reading this entire thing, then you're my hero. Thank you for your time and attention V/R Ryan
Lizzie60 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 What would you do? Would you accept her offer of "try your hardest" and hope for the best? Would you leave everything you have behind to try to start fresh? Would you continue trying to make her see the light? I'm afraid there is not much you can do.. just hope for the best... what else can you do? or divorce if you can't stand the pressure.. simple as that.. those are the only 2 choices you hate IMO... she's been honest with you.. she can't promise you anything.. and there is NO GUARANTEE... that she won't do it again... so it's up to YOU to make a decision.
Author RJDoute Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 ^^ Hah, you sound just like her. She said the same thing, that it's up to me. Is that fair though? It can't be much to ask for her to not cheat. Our marriage was rough in the past, granted, but since all that it's been wonderful. We have our spats (who doesn't?), but everything else is nice. Finances are good, sex is great, parenting is wonderful, we both take care of each other, we each handle our responsibilities. So why, then.. can't she just take that dive again? She did great for years, and now she can't do it? It baffles me. Of COURSE I can look her in the eye and say "I won't cheat." ANY person in a marriage should be able to, or you shouldn't be married, right? This is frustrating. EDIT: After re-reading your reply, I do want to completely agree with you on the honesty part. That is something we didn't have for a long time, and now that we can both be completely honest with each other is a relief. Even if the truth hurts.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 You have to set some personal boundaries on what you can (and what you can't) live with. If you don't, you'll never have a relationship with ANYBODY that meets your needs because you won't have been TRUE to yourself. If, at your heart of hearts, you believe married people should be faithful to one another... then THAT's what you believe. Going outside your own belief system, bargaining and trading on it, is NEVER going to feel right to you. You're always going to feel like you have this hole inside you where all your happiness and contentment ought to be. To be honest, I'd go ahead and just divorce her out of hand. There's no reason to believe she'll EVER be faithful because throughout the entire history of your relationship... she never has been. If she ever cleans up her act, you can always entertain the possibility of remarriage somewhere down the pike. Odds are though, that what you see is what you get on this one. Hopefully, Gunny will be around to give you the military aspects of this... but I think that if you're forward deployed you're gonna be stuck with her until you're back. That's what?... two YEARS from now? And who's taking care of your son during these formative years while his Mom's out cruising for flesh in Iraq? Honestly, I think you need to talk to the chaplain or something. This is NOT GOOD.
TrustInYourself Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 ^^ Hah, you sound just like her. She said the same thing, that it's up to me. Is that fair though? It can't be much to ask for her to not cheat. Our marriage was rough in the past, granted, but since all that it's been wonderful. We have our spats (who doesn't?), but everything else is nice. Finances are good, sex is great, parenting is wonderful, we both take care of each other, we each handle our responsibilities. So why, then.. can't she just take that dive again? She did great for years, and now she can't do it? It baffles me. Of COURSE I can look her in the eye and say "I won't cheat." ANY person in a marriage should be able to, or you shouldn't be married, right? This is frustrating. EDIT: After re-reading your reply, I do want to completely agree with you on the honesty part. That is something we didn't have for a long time, and now that we can both be completely honest with each other is a relief. Even if the truth hurts. It's your decision whether or not you want to accept that answer. Yeah, I'd definitely respect the fact she is being honest. You've looked past her indiscretions before. Your marriage has grown stronger. I don't think this has anything to do with whether you love her enough. It's obvious you do, there's no question. I would tell her how much I love her and will always love her and ask for a divorce. It's not about how you feel. It's about how she feels. It's about if you have enough self respect to say enough is enough. Divorce is not the end. It's just the beginning of another stage in your life. My opinion is just that. I hope you work through this for yourself and for your family in the fashion that you feel is right. Best wishes and good luck on your deployment.
Billy Bob Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I just want a happy, normal monogomous relationship. You are obviously with the wrong woman for that. Do yourself a favor and move on.. She's basically telling you she wants to F-ck other guys when you are seperated. This relationship is doomed and is probably messing you up more than you realize. You only live once, don't waste your precious time on a cheater.
Darth Vader Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Divorce her, she will cheat again! She sounds like a serial cheater to me, she also sounds very inmature!
Gunny376 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25 ~ 90% The divorce rate for couples that get married because the woman got pregno ~ 90% These statistics combined with the stressors of military life, impending deployments, and a track record of one member being be un-faithful does not bode well for your marriage my friend. When you get to Iraq you need conentrate and focus on one thing and one thing only. Coming back alive and not in a body bag. Not on a wayward spouse. Then all the more, is that she's going to Iraq, where she will be tempted almost daily. You of course have the option of going the long and hard route, but at the very least you should be prepared for the worst. IMHO your marriage has about as much chance as a sick three legged cat has with a pack of hungry pitbuls.
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