Conflicted over a course of action...

August 6, 2008

Hello everyone,

This is my first post, but I have been lurking for awhile, and finally got up the nerve to register. I actually found the board about 1 year ago after I discovered that my fiancee (who I had been dating for 6 years prior) was cheating on me.

To make a long story short, I discovered that she was cheating with a guy for about 8 months before I discovered what was going on. The OM was 10 years older, marred, and had a young daughter. I confronted her about it, and she lied. I confronted her again, and she lied once more. Finally, (I am not proud of it) but I found evidence in her email and she finally admitted it. We decided to take a break, and re-assess what we both wanted. While the affair was going on, we were in a LD relationship (she was in CT, I am in NYC). A few months later, we decide to get back together, and give things another shot. I did not believe that she was sincere at first, but she was willing to move to NYC to be with me, which I thought was a sign that she wanted things to work. We had this discussion in April, and she was going to move in June (she had to line up jobs, etc.).

Well, as time passed, she seemed less and less excited to move. I knew something was up. She finally moved (a month late) and after a week of being together she dropped the old "I'm not attracted to you anymore" bit. I naturally asked if she had been seeing anyone during the time we decided to be together, and her move. She said it was "irrelevant", making it clear that she had never really ended it with the OM.

Now to my question. hve wanted to contact the OM and his SO since I found out last year. Of course, I did not for fear it would jeopardize the reconciliation with my SO. For this I now feel foolish. I have come to find out that the OM and his SO are getting divorced after she found out about the affair (independently of me). To my knowledge, it is a nasty divorce with PIs and the whole deal. The OM's SO has family money, and the OM doesn't have much...I imagine she is trying to keep it all from him.

After feeling like I hve gotten over my breakup, I am still left with feeligns of resentment and contempt. I have made it clear to my former SO how I felt about her behavior, and now I want to confront the OM about my utter disgust for the person he is. I know there is a lot of debate about the merits of this, but what about iin this situation? How about contacting his SO? I have copies of emails that woud undoubtedly help in any divorce proceedings. Basically, some part of me wants to see cosmic justice for this guy, and knowing that I can help deliver it is all too tempting.

Any advice is much appreciated.

August 6, 2008

Karmas already getting this guy in the ass there's really not much you have to do but sit back and enjoy the ride. Now this is up to you as overall it doesn't matter if you do or don't. You can inform the woman about the affair (even though you know she knows) just as an ice breaker after she reveals she knows bla bla you can offer to give her some evidence you have to support her claim if she is indeed trying to keep her assets away from her filth of a soon the be ex husband.

I would usually say don't bother getting involved but you can save this woman from being financially ruined by giving her more evidence if she needs it.

As for your ex, oh well buddy take it as a good sign she wasn't faithful enough to handle LDR and cheated and wasted more of your time by thinking moving in may fix things when it didn't. Most likely was waiting on the OMs dicision maybe because he's getting a divorce (not by choice) she plans to shack up with him.

Either way be happy your free good luck finding a new loyal partner in the future.

August 6, 2008

I would send the emails to the OM's significant other. This will help to bury him legally.

August 6, 2008

Hello everyone,
This is my first post, but I have been lurking for awhile, and finally got up the nerve to register. I actually found the board about 1 year ago after I discovered that my fiancee (who I had been dating for 6 years prior) was cheating on me.

To make a long story short, I discovered that she was cheating with a guy for about 8 months before I discovered what was going on. The OM was 10 years older, marred, and had a young daughter. I confronted her about it, and she lied. I confronted her again, and she lied once more. Finally, (I am not proud of it) but I found evidence in her email and she finally admitted it. We decided to take a break, and re-assess what we both wanted. While the affair was going on, we were in a LD relationship (she was in CT, I am in NYC). A few months later, we decide to get back together, and give things another shot. I did not believe that she was sincere at first, but she was willing to move to NYC to be with me, which I thought was a sign that she wanted things to work. We had this discussion in April, and she was going to move in June (she had to line up jobs, etc.).

Well, as time passed, she seemed less and less excited to move. I knew something was up. She finally moved (a month late) and after a week of being together she dropped the old "I'm not attracted to you anymore" bit. I naturally asked if she had been seeing anyone during the time we decided to be together, and her move. She said it was "irrelevant", making it clear that she had never really ended it with the OM.

Now to my question. hve wanted to contact the OM and his SO since I found out last year. Of course, I did not for fear it would jeopardize the reconciliation with my SO. For this I now feel foolish. I have come to find out that the OM and his SO are getting divorced after she found out about the affair (independently of me). To my knowledge, it is a nasty divorce with PIs and the whole deal. The OM's SO has family money, and the OM doesn't have much...I imagine she is trying to keep it all from him.

After feeling like I hve gotten over my breakup, I am still left with feeligns of resentment and contempt. I have made it clear to my former SO how I felt about her behavior, and now I want to confront the OM about my utter disgust for the person he is. I know there is a lot of debate about the merits of this, but what about iin this situation? How about contacting his SO? I have copies of emails that woud undoubtedly help in any divorce proceedings. Basically, some part of me wants to see cosmic justice for this guy, and knowing that I can help deliver it is all too tempting.

Any advice is much appreciated.

I dont see anything wrong with sending her the emails if you want. She already knows about it anyway.

August 6, 2008

I get the desire for revenge, but at the end of the day, this won't do anything for you.

It won't fix anything, and honestly it won't make you feel any better either.

I'd try to move on...but that's just me.

August 6, 2008

Thanks for the replies. This is basically where I am stuck. The part that wants some form of revenge knows it will only be temporary, though I do feel like making sure the OM's SO has the whole truth is a good thing. And really, I know that I should want to take the high road here, because doing anything else will prove to my SO that she still gets to me. In some ways, I don't want her to have that satisfaction. In any case, I suppose that I have a bit more soul searching to do.

August 6, 2008

If you were in the situation of the OM's spouse wouldn't you wish to have the emails and all of the facts also?

August 6, 2008

If you were in the situation of the OM's spouse wouldn't you wish to have the emails and all of the facts also?

Yes, I would. I suppose I also feel a little guilt for not contacting her earlier, knowing that there was a possibility that it could have helped. Of course, there is a chance this is to late, and my email would simply open old wounds. That's what I would like to avoid.

August 6, 2008

The best way to heal is to let this go. What the OM and his soon to be ex do now really doesn't matter. I'm not sure if closure is what you're looking for, but involving yourself in their life all of a sudden isn't going to make you feel much better. Well, maybe for afew minutes, but it could also open pandora's box. What if you're asked to testify in court? Never say never..

Take care of you, heal and focus on the simpler things in life. Let the past go.

August 6, 2008

Hello everyone,
This is my first post, but I have been lurking for awhile, and finally got up the nerve to register. I actually found the board about 1 year ago after I discovered that my fiancee (who I had been dating for 6 years prior) was cheating on me.

To make a long story short, I discovered that she was cheating with a guy for about 8 months before I discovered what was going on. The OM was 10 years older, marred, and had a young daughter. I confronted her about it, and she lied. I confronted her again, and she lied once more. Finally, (I am not proud of it) but I found evidence in her email and she finally admitted it. We decided to take a break, and re-assess what we both wanted. While the affair was going on, we were in a LD relationship (she was in CT, I am in NYC). A few months later, we decide to get back together, and give things another shot. I did not believe that she was sincere at first, but she was willing to move to NYC to be with me, which I thought was a sign that she wanted things to work. We had this discussion in April, and she was going to move in June (she had to line up jobs, etc.).

Well, as time passed, she seemed less and less excited to move. I knew something was up. She finally moved (a month late) and after a week of being together she dropped the old "I'm not attracted to you anymore" bit. I naturally asked if she had been seeing anyone during the time we decided to be together, and her move. She said it was "irrelevant", making it clear that she had never really ended it with the OM.

Now to my question. hve wanted to contact the OM and his SO since I found out last year. Of course, I did not for fear it would jeopardize the reconciliation with my SO. For this I now feel foolish. I have come to find out that the OM and his SO are getting divorced after she found out about the affair (independently of me). To my knowledge, it is a nasty divorce with PIs and the whole deal. The OM's SO has family money, and the OM doesn't have much...I imagine she is trying to keep it all from him.

After feeling like I hve gotten over my breakup, I am still left with feeligns of resentment and contempt. I have made it clear to my former SO how I felt about her behavior, and now I want to confront the OM about my utter disgust for the person he is. I know there is a lot of debate about the merits of this, but what about iin this situation? How about contacting his SO? I have copies of emails that woud undoubtedly help in any divorce proceedings. Basically, some part of me wants to see cosmic justice for this guy, and knowing that I can help deliver it is all too tempting.

Any advice is much appreciated.

I'm afraid I have to differ with many of our esteemed posters on divulging the information you have to OM's wife. Your wife has minimized your marriage and concerns to the realm of irrelevant so you will never know the full truth of her own volition. I'd not only provide the OM's wife with all the information you've collected on the affair but also inform her and your wife that if she needs your testimony in court you will be happy to oblige her. If your wife comes back with the entreaty, "I thought you loved me", remind her of her own words and tell her that this is the only way that you'll seek the truth for your own closure and her feelings and concerns on this matter are henceforth irrelevant!

Since your wife believes that the grass is greener elsewhere put her on all fours out to pasture and let her mow the lawn!

August 6, 2008

PP, he was never married to her, they were engaged - And now not together anymore..

August 6, 2008

PP, he was never married to her, they were engaged - And now not together anymore..

Oops! My bad! Still, 6 years is a lengthy investment relationshipwise and still merits the same commitment of a marriage, especially since marriage was the next likely step in its evolution.

August 6, 2008

Honestly, I would have no problem if I ended up in court. The only thing that's really gnawing at me, telling me this is a terrible idea, is the thought that maybe this SO has already moved past the whole situation. In that case, it's selfish of me to dredge up the past just to satisfy my need for closure.

Also, it's an odd feeling, but I simply can't bare to do something that essentially burns my bridges with my ex. I gave her multiple chances out of love and hope that things would work out, and I realize now that I can't give her any more chances. I haven't spoken with her in 6 weeks, and I have no desire to ever hear entreaties to try again. However, it was someone who I shared everything with. And I guess in some crazy way, I see us possibly being friends years from now. I'm not convinced I'm willing to give that up.

August 6, 2008

Now to my question. hve wanted to contact the OM and his SO since I found out last year. Of course, I did not for fear it would jeopardize the reconciliation with my SO. For this I now feel foolish. I have come to find out that the OM and his SO are getting divorced after she found out about the affair (independently of me).

Well sounds like he has already been ratted out. So no need for you to contact him, unless you just want to chew his ass out big time.

But it might make you feel great to sit down with his stbXW and give her details of your fiancee's affair with him. Call her and arrange a lunch date. And no, I'm not suggesting it as a date to hook up, just to give her some information, maybe something she can use.

To my knowledge, it is a nasty divorce with PIs and the whole deal. The OM's SO has family money, and the OM doesn't have much...I imagine she is trying to keep it all from him.

I hope she is successful. He doesn't deserve a penny of her money. As far as I'm concerned, infidelity should be factored in to marital settlements. But alas, *sigh*, it is not.

After feeling like I hve gotten over my breakup, I am still left with feeligns of resentment and contempt. I have made it clear to my former SO how I felt about her behavior, and now I want to confront the OM about my utter disgust for the person he is. I know there is a lot of debate about the merits of this, but what about iin this situation? How about contacting his SO?

I say its a fine idea and nothing wrong with it at all. If it helps you feel better, do it!!

I have copies of emails that woud undoubtedly help in any divorce proceedings.

Well, unfortunately, unless there was a pre-nup where he couldn't touch her money in a divorce in light of an affair, infidelity doesn't factor into marital settlement. It might, just might, factor into custody, but since she is the mother, she will get it hands down unless she is a totally unfit mother or something.

But I'd still print her off the emails and give them to her.

August 6, 2008

I would send the emails to the OM's significant other. This will help to bury him legally.

No, it won't, unfortunately. Only if there is a pre-nup will it do any good for her.

August 6, 2008

I was in your shoes. The OM in question wasn't married. But if he had been, I think I would have done what you're contemplating doing. Not out of some misguided and transparently self-serving desire to "help her" legally, but because that mofo deserved it, and more.

What I did do, though, was send him a nasty, expletive-filled letter, which ended with "f*** you, you c***." I have to say, it felt really good to send it; it was 4.5 years ago and I haven't regretted it since. I know he received it and read it, because a mutual friend told me. If you want to read what I wrote, go to my profile, Statistics, and click on "Find all threads started by reservoirdog1." Go to the very first one, from back in 2003.

What can I say... I'm a vindictive son of a bitch when I'm crossed.

August 7, 2008

Honestly, I would have no problem if I ended up in court. The only thing that's really gnawing at me, telling me this is a terrible idea, is the thought that maybe this SO has already moved past the whole situation. In that case, it's selfish of me to dredge up the past just to satisfy my need for closure.

Also, it's an odd feeling, but I simply can't bare to do something that essentially burns my bridges with my ex. I gave her multiple chances out of love and hope that things would work out, and I realize now that I can't give her any more chances. I haven't spoken with her in 6 weeks, and I have no desire to ever hear entreaties to try again. However, it was someone who I shared everything with. And I guess in some crazy way, I see us possibly being friends years from now. I'm not convinced I'm willing to give that up.

Remember, she has already "bridged" a new life with OM and you're not welcome in that future. She has already effectively burned her bridges with you by stating that your feelings, pain, or concerns are irrelevant to her now. She is, however, counting on your latent feelings for her well being to keep you in check so that you don't interfere with her plans as she makes the transition into her new life. She could certainly care less about nurturing a future friendship with you once she's gone so you have nothing to lose by losing her completely!

August 7, 2008

Do nothing.

You own nothing to the OM wife. She made her choice to marry a loser...she fully knew what kind of person she was marrying when she married who made significantly less than her (aka bad boy partier). Now let her live with her decision. Let her enjoy her party and fun times.

You just move on and wipe your hands off of all these people.

August 7, 2008

If you feel such a need to get it out, write a letter, but don't send it. It won't benefit anyone in the end.

August 7, 2008

I was in your shoes. The OM in question wasn't married. But if he had been, I think I would have done what you're contemplating doing. Not out of some misguided and transparently self-serving desire to "help her" legally, but because that mofo deserved it, and more.

What I did do, though, was send him a nasty, expletive-filled letter, which ended with "f*** you, you c***." I have to say, it felt really good to send it; it was 4.5 years ago and I haven't regretted it since. I know he received it and read it, because a mutual friend told me. If you want to read what I wrote, go to my profile, Statistics, and click on "Find all threads started by reservoirdog1." Go to the very first one, from back in 2003.

What can I say... I'm a vindictive son of a bitch when I'm crossed.

Wow Rez, I read that thread. Kudo's to you buddy. And yes, men can be the "C" word as well...

August 7, 2008

What if part of your ex-fiancee's motivation in this affair was the windfall OM might receive as part of the divorce settlement from his wife's family's estate? If in fact part of her motivation was greed would that change your perspective on whether you notify OM's wife with your evidence?

August 7, 2008

It'd be a shame for the OM's wife to lose anything at settlement if proof of infidelity would change it though.

You don't know who her attorney is, do you? Maybe you could call them and just ask if it would make a difference or not. (????)

August 7, 2008

Do nothing.

You own nothing to the OM wife. She made her choice to marry a loser...she fully knew what kind of person she was marrying when she married who made significantly less than her (aka bad boy partier). Now let her live with her decision. Let her enjoy her party and fun times.

You just move on and wipe your hands off of all these people.

Wow talk about blaming the victim here. Jeez you're right she should just have married a man of means and ambition cos lord knows those type don't cheat. She probably had no idea what type of things he was capable of when she married him or she wouldn't have married him, even if there were signs or red flags. We want to believe the best of people and that our love isn't misplaced.

As ****ty as this is you are lucky you didn't end up getting married and owing your ex anything financially or giving any more of your time. Like you I was afraid to act because that might burn the bridge but what I had a hard time wrapping my head around what that she had burned everything to the ground already. My ex would like a friendship with me and she was in my life for 7 years before her infidelity. But honestly I have no room for her any longer.. where on earth would she fit???

Not with my friends, not with my family who don't want anything to do with her any longer and certainly not with my current relationship. Trust me when you finally move on you won't want her friendship and your new woman won't want her around either, not because she is a threat but because she is toxic and treated you like crap.

I'm friends with a few of my ex's and my current gf is good with that because they are deserving people. I've even hung out with with my gf and her ex primarily because they are business partners and try to keep the relationship friendly (they were together for 15 years)

August 8, 2008

And about whether your motivation for exposing the affair is about revenge or about doing what is right. I think doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is still better than not doing the right thing.

August 8, 2008

By all means, inform away! Might as well make everyone as miserable as you are.....

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