soulseeker Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 My bf says stuff to me like this a lot. Quite frankly, it pisses me off now. We have been dating for 10 months. Other stuff he has said recently includes: When we get married I could see us raising a kid there some day In a year or two I'd like to move out of the city and buy a house (with you) Why does this bother me? Well, it just feels like he is testing me. I am in no rush to marry him, but this just pisses me off in principle. We are taking a two week vacation together. We started randomly talking about "testing" each other. I told him that I dont set up little tests to see how he'll react. He said he did not do that to me either, just observes how I am in situations. That's all fine and good, we all do that. BUT, he said this trip we would both be gathering information about each other. That pissed me off. I'm not 100% sure why... Thoughts?
Keridan Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Feeling like you're being tested is frustrating. He's making statements that assume a level of trust will be reached, but at the same time, you feel like he's doing it to see if he can have that trust. It's a counter-intuitive. I can see why it would be annoying. Being done often makes it even worse. Could it also be that he's too comfortable for 10 months in? Talking marriage as if it's a foregone conclusion that early can be a bit disconcerting. Maybe you aren't ready to make that commitment yet. Sorry if that doesn't help, but I figured I'd throw the thoughts out there.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 You can prove yourself until you're blue in the face and that won't change his trust issues. That kind of thing pisses me off too, whether it's marriage or otherwise. Stop testing me. Piss or get off the pot.
Krytie TV Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I fail to see the drama in this. Some people, not all, some, have the mindset that it's pointless to date someone seriously if they aren't at least willing to see a future with that person. It sounds to me like you are the one not really fond of the idea of a real relationship. If the thought of future wth him "pisses you off", then why are you wasting everyone's time?
Lauriebell82 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 My bf does things like this, but in weird hypothetical type situations. (ex: how do guys know what their gf's ring size is if they want it to be a huge surprise?) It's like okay, stop it. So I know where you are coming from. You have to get to the reason WHY this bothers you so much. 10 months is still fairly early to be thinking towards marriage, but I'm sure it could happen. I'd think that all the things he is saying show that he is seriously considing having a future with you. Take that as a good sign! Why are you so upset at this? Is it because you feel you aren't ready to talk about it like this? Do you feel like it's pressure from him if he is making comments like this? If you are having problems with his little "tests" then I suggest telling him how you are feeling. It does kind of stink talking about the future all the time with no REAL committment in place yet. It's frustrating.
waleen Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 We spend five months of our life seeking redress for poor customer service. The main culprits, says a survey for Hilary Blinds, are large department stores (35.9 per cent), banks and building societies (30.7 per cent) and airlines and holiday companies (12.9 per cent). Funnily enough, the research doesn't say anything about blinds companies.
Lauriebell82 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 We spend five months of our life seeking redress for poor customer service. The main culprits, says a survey for Hilary Blinds, are large department stores (35.9 per cent), banks and building societies (30.7 per cent) and airlines and holiday companies (12.9 per cent). Funnily enough, the research doesn't say anything about blinds companies. Huh? I'm confused.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I fail to see the drama in this. Some people, not all, some, have the mindset that it's pointless to date someone seriously if they aren't at least willing to see a future with that person. It sounds to me like you are the one not really fond of the idea of a real relationship. If the thought of future wth him "pisses you off", then why are you wasting everyone's time? I don't know how the OP feels but for myself, it's the testing/need to prove oneself, that pisses me off. Also, when you discuss future plans as significant as this, if there isn't anything concrete in place, it's nothing but a mindf*ck 'cause it leads people on. I personally see it one of the worst forms of manipulation, to get desired results from your partner. If a person really cares about the other person, they wouldn't pull this kind of passive-aggressive crap.
Author soulseeker Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 I don't know how the OP feels but for myself, it's the testing/need to prove oneself, that pisses me off. Also, when you discuss future plans as significant as this, if there isn't anything concrete in place, it's nothing but a mindf*ck 'cause it leads people on. I personally see it one of the worst forms of manipulation, to get desired results from your partner. If a person really cares about the other person, they wouldn't pull this kind of passive-aggressive crap. Yes, it is this. I think he is more insecure than anything. BUT, I do feel like I have to past some test in order to prove myself. That just seems awkward to me. I know we sort of do this on a subconscious level, but to have it spelled out just kind of killed my faith in what I thought we had. Oh, and he told me he is thinking about a job which would put him overseas and completely out of communication for two months out of the year. His schedule already sucks, I just dont know if I have it in me to even try this bs. I do want to talk to him and work this out. Just not sure anymore how valid my feelings are. I havent slept in ages, so I dont trust my judgment completely right now. It's not the thought of a future with him that pisses me off, it's the waving it in front of my face, but wanting me to pass some test that pisses me off.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Yes, it is this. I think he is more insecure than anything. BUT, I do feel like I have to past some test in order to prove myself. That just seems awkward to me. I know we sort of do this on a subconscious level, but to have it spelled out just kind of killed my faith in what I thought we had. Oh, and he told me he is thinking about a job which would put him overseas and completely out of communication for two months out of the year. His schedule already sucks, I just dont know if I have it in me to even try this bs. I do want to talk to him and work this out. Just not sure anymore how valid my feelings are. I havent slept in ages, so I dont trust my judgment completely right now. If at all possible, try to get some sleep. Sleep deprivation can create a lot of sensitivities and judgment errors, since focus can get obsessive but with a limited spectrum of input. I truly hope he's not the one causing the sleep loss through stress. If so, it's time to examine what this relationship is bringing to your life.
lovestruck818 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I fail to see the drama in this. Some people, not all, some, have the mindset that it's pointless to date someone seriously if they aren't at least willing to see a future with that person. It sounds to me like you are the one not really fond of the idea of a real relationship. If the thought of future wth him "pisses you off", then why are you wasting everyone's time? Ummm...I would kill to have a boyfriend who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Boo hoo. If this "pisses you off", maybe you should date someone who has no intention of marrying you ever... That has to be the greatest feeling in the world and you just brush it off like it's nothing.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Ummm...I would kill to have a boyfriend who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Boo hoo. If this "pisses you off", maybe you should date someone who has no intention of marrying you ever... That has to be the greatest feeling in the world and you just brush it off like it's nothing. So lovestruck, if your b/f kept discussing your future together to test/get you to prove yourself but never actually asking you to marry him, would you consider this the greatest feeling in the world?
lovestruck818 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 So lovestruck, if your b/f kept discussing your future together to test/get you to prove yourself but never actually asking you to marry him, would you consider this the greatest feeling in the world? it would at least be a start and a hope that things would turn around...b/c right now he wants nothing to do with marriage or kids or any kind of future with anyone but himself.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 it would at least be a start and a hope that things would turn around...b/c right now he wants nothing to do with marriage or kids or any kind of future with anyone but himself. Is it a real hope or just a manipulation? You can be led on forever to provide someone who's manipulating, the ability to get what they want from you while not providing for your needs. This is what soulseeker is trying to figure out. How honest is her b/f being? Also, if you're with someone who has no interest in marriage, why are you still with him if you have differing goals in life? You must admit that you are where you put yourself, regardless of love because love can be controlled if you put your mind to it.
lovestruck818 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Is it a real hope or just a manipulation? You can be led on forever to provide someone who's manipulating, the ability to get what they want from you while not providing for your needs. This is what soulseeker is trying to figure out. How honest is her b/f being? Also, if you're with someone who has no interest in marriage, why are you still with him if you have differing goals in life? You must admit that you are where you put yourself, regardless of love because love can be controlled if you put your mind to it. Trial, I am hoping that with time, his mind will change...when he will see what a great wife and mother I would be.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Trial, I am hoping that with time, his mind will change...when he will see what a great wife and mother I would be.Then this is your choice in life while soulseeker might not be willing to do the same, reliant on what she discovers about her b/fs intent.
Krytie TV Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 So lovestruck, if your b/f kept discussing your future together to test/get you to prove yourself but never actually asking you to marry him, would you consider this the greatest feeling in the world? But what is wrong with telling someone about your thoughts of being with them for the long term? Only silly people (AKA me) propose to someone after six months. Whats wrong with talking about it yet letting the necessary time pass to determine that it is based in reality before taking the next step? I also think this huge "test" the OP is talking about is taken way out of context. I'll tell you what, spending 2 weeks alone with someone for the first time IS a test. You will definitely find out how compatible you are with someone after a long weekend, let alone 2 weeks. I think the OP has some resentment that is not necessarily grounded in this issue. Two weeks together is a test of your compatibility. You can disagree, but this is my firm belief. If you two were to get on well, that would be a great sign. But the OP sees it as some anger inducing sh*t parade that he feels that way. There is anger there and I'm not sure where it's coming from. To me, this guy sounds pretty rational about the whole situation. OP, were you "tested" in the past by others? Are you throwing your baggage on this guy because he used the word "test". It sounds like you're projecting something onto this guy and I actually feel a little bad for him. He's telling you he sees a future with you and doing all of the things many girls would go gaga for and you're holding it against him. He is not your past, don't hold him accountable for it.
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 But what is wrong with telling someone about your thoughts of being with them for the long term? Only silly people (AKA me) propose to someone after six months. Whats wrong with talking about it yet letting the necessary time pass to determine that it is based in reality before taking the next step? I also think this huge "test" the OP is talking about is taken way out of context. I'll tell you what, spending 2 weeks alone with someone for the first time IS a test. You will definitely find out how compatible you are with someone after a long weekend, let alone 2 weeks. I think the OP has some resentment that is not necessarily grounded in this issue. Two weeks together is a test of your compatibility. You can disagree, but this is my firm belief. If you two were to get on well, that would be a great sign. But the OP sees it as some anger inducing sh*t parade that he feels that way. There is anger there and I'm not sure where it's coming from. To me, this guy sounds pretty rational about the whole situation. OP, were you "tested" in the past by others? Are you throwing your baggage on this guy because he used the word "test". It sounds like you're projecting something onto this guy and I actually feel a little bad for him. He's telling you he sees a future with you and doing all of the things many girls would go gaga for and you're holding it against him. He is not your past, don't hold him accountable for it. Krytie, there's no right or wrong in this depending on what type of person you are. Once again, I can only speak for myself and if I'm not certain, there's no way I will discuss future concepts of this magnitude, without serious definition. To me it's like saying, "So, let's ride those unicorns." It's a meaningless discussion since unicorns don't exist. If you're someone who loves unicorns, you're going to say "when can we ride those unicorns?". Response, "one day". So you remain with this person in the hopes that you'll one day get to ride the unicorn which doesn't exist.
Haloandhorns85 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Exactly what Trail said. At ten months, I do see how "testing" can be benefitial, however, there is no need to tell her she is being tested. Especially over and over again. However, as a woman that's been there with the dangling marriage discussion, it sucks. He brings up the topic, tells you oh I want to marry you and have kids with you, then thats it. Leaves you wondering, ok great....but when? How soon? How far away? Give me a damn timetable please! Something I can use to quiet the questions you started in the first place! Lovestruck...I did the same thing for two years. (Just recently figured things out with the help of the folks on LS!!!) I waited around and tried to show him how great of a wife I will be...how great of a mother I will be....for 2 whole years with the discussion of marriage dangled in front of me. The whole time I kept wondering if I am so great at this stuff, why doesn't he wanna marry me? Caused so much stress within myself because i kept wondering what's wrong with me...what am I not doing right? All it really did was cause me unneccessary frustration and lots of resentment towards him for not seing what I was trying to show him. You have to talk to him. You can't expect him to read your mind. And if talking doesn't work, maybe your not meant to be together. But you have to be ready to see that yourself first.
Author soulseeker Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 We've already had the discussion that we see each other as potential life partners. I'm just feeling the way TBF laid it out. Looking for true intention.
Krytie TV Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 He's obviously evil and playing you for a fool by talking about the future with you. Kick him to the curb girl!
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