Jump to content

It's like he's in love with me and his "first love"...

vertigocidic

By vertigocidic
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
Posted

Hi, I'm Jamie and I am going to give you as much detail as I can remember. My boyfriend (We'll call him "Matt". I'm scared he might look this up and be like, "HEY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT US ONLINE?!" LOL!) used to date this girl who was no more than a year older than him. I am two and a couple of months older than him, which I don't think that's bad. LOL, anyways, the thing I am most uncomfortable about his ex girlfriend, let's call her "Mary", is that they actually romantically clicked and such. They broke up because it just couldn't work out between them. Matt told me it's because all her friends hate him and her cousin tried everything in her power to break them up.

 

Well, it worked, needless to say. He dated another girl after the break up, but it didn't worked out. Then he met me at our mutual friend's party, and he swore he "fell in love with me on first sight". You can still tell that after 9 months, Matt appears to be very in love with me. I even have physical evidence to back up that he loves me; I layed my head on Matt's chest one night, and his heart was thumping like mad. I asked him if he was okay, and why his heart is beating so fast. He told me, "Maybe it's because you're here and I love you."

 

Yes. You may now go "Awwwww!"

 

Now, call me crazy, insecure, jealous, or whatever names, but just last night, I really felt that Matt might still really really care for Mary. You see, nights ago, he said he was going to see his ex girlfriend. Now, he NEVER told me about meeting his ex until I asked him about how she is. So I must of figured they have planned to meet a while ago and he never bothered to tell me until that day. Fast foward to last night, I asked him upfront (but CALMLY), "Why do you feel the need to see her? I know she's your ex, and it's okay to contact her casually just to see what's up, but why must you hang out with her ALONE? Do you guys have unresolved issues or what not?"

 

He replied with this accusing tone of voice, "Oh I see. You don't WANT me to hang out with my FRIEND. She and I may have dated, but now we're just GOOD FRIENDS!"

 

Never in our whole relationship do I want him to stop talking to any females that were in his life, because I know for sure that I am not an abusive person. I was cheated and had my heartbroken with my ex, so I suppose now it is tainting my current relationship with Matt.

 

I was shocked at how he fiercly defended for her honor against me, his current girlfriend. The girlfriend he's always going around, "I want to marry this girl. She's the one for me, I want to be the father of her kids, etc."

 

I must also remind you, though, that he's like this with just about any of his friends; He tries puts them first infront of me, no doubt about it. Except with his ex, he sounded so harsh it was heartbreaking.

 

Now, let's rewind back to a couple of months ago. He and I have a myspace. He posted a blog about the "people in his life." This is what he wrote about me:

 

"This girl is perfect for me...what else can i say its the truth i really love her and shes always there for me. Im thankful to have her in my life ?. She keeps me from destroying myself if it wasnt for her i would be dead honestly...shes the person that keeps me going, shes the reason i wake up every morning and actually get something done, and shes the reason im the person i have become. I love her...i love her more than i have ever loved anyone ever before."

 

and this is what he wrote about Mary:

 

"You were my first love, and i will never forget you and you will always be in my heart. No matter what happens... You have been everything to me a girlfrined, a first love, a first kiss, a best frined, and someone just to talk to and rant to."

 

 

Now, back to last nights conversation, I felt so hurt that I told him, "I can't do this anymore. This hurts. I thought dating someone shouldn't bring so much drama, but I am so wrong and it hurts... I don't think I can go on like this."

 

And he was silent and asked what I meant. After trying to keep the emotion from getting in the way of me talking, I said, "I meant, this really hurts... but I'll do whatever it takes to get through."

 

He sighed loudly and was like, "That has got to be the biggest relief of my life. I thought you were going to break up with me..."

 

 

He's very caring, sweet, funny, and even when I first met him, I felt a connection with him- The kind of connection you feel about a very old, good friend. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't want to lose my head! Please, be honest and no bashing, this subject is really a sore spot to me, I have done nothing but cry all day just thinking about it.

orangesean Established Member

orangesean

Posted
Posted

This sounds intensely immature. Writing stuff like that on myspace is really tacky.

 

Also on basic ground rules I think every person has every right to be uncomfortable about the person their currently dating to stay in contact with their ex. Especially to the point of defending it.

 

Ex's usually equal bad news no matter what.

 

I'd say find a new guy, he sounds ripe and that he is just saying a lot of the stuff you are supposed to say to woo the lady but then not following through with it because it takes a mature guy to know you gotta actually show the love and support to back up those sickeningly cute statements.

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Well, I shouldn't have said the whole "setting friends before me" thing. He cares about all the people in his life, and in his word, "especially me".

 

He's a very honest, open person. He's the type that if he ends up not liking you as either a friend or a romantic partner, he'll just stay away from you/break up with you.

 

So, I guess he loves me alot.

 

It's just... I don't know how to explain myself. :(

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

If Matt's "first love" dumped him due to outside pressures and not because of quantifiable relationship issues, he may have continuing , now unrequited, feelings for her. It's possible he may always have those feelings, though they should fade somewhat over time (months/years). It's the "what if" factor.

 

If he's mature, he can see those feelings for what they are, own them, and love you in a completely different yet still valuable and healthy way. Perhaps even a more mature way. What do his actions say?

 

His reaction to your inquiries about her reminded me of a similar reaction I had to suggestions in MC of an emotional attachment I had with an old female friend, who was the first woman I really fell in love with. Very defensive. Everyone stepped back. I'm talking about something that happened a generation ago. So, you see, emotions, even for men, can be deeply imprinted and remembered for a long time.

 

My advice is to take things slow and keep your options open. Timing may not be right, now. He knows how you feel about your boundaries. If he does love you and respect you, he'll validate those feelings and be mindful of the boundaries. He can still have a great friendship with his old g/f, but one which includes you.

 

In my case, my wife and my old friend got to be a bit too friendly, talking ***** about me behind my back. You know women :D

 

Anyway, it'll work out. Be calm :)

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thank you Carhill for your input. =]

And yes, we women tend to be quite fiesty indeed lol.

 

You see, that's exactly what I'm afraid of; They have almost no reason to break up. If he was to ignore her friends and cousin, who knows where they'll be right now? I'd probably never even met him at the party. We'd probably never dated! And they actually "clicked", unlike his other relationships (except now).

 

I am so very afraid that one day he will wake up to find a message in his phone from his ex saying she wants to get back together, that they can overcome obstacles together, that he should dump me because I'm "not her"...

 

This is making me sick to my stomach. The last time I was over at Matt's house, I jokingly asked what he would do if I ever broke up with him. He looked at me in a bit of a shock and reply, "I wouldn't even speak... I wouldn't know what to say, or do... Except, just hug you and beg you to forgive me for whatever I did... hell, I'll even sneak at your house one night and sleep right next to you so when you wake up, I can whisper to you, "I'm still here if you need me, baby." I know that sounded psychotic, but please don't ever break up with me. I love you, and you're the only one for me... I mean, what would you do if I dumped you?"

 

I said, "I wouldn't know what to say either--"

 

"Exactly!" He cries, "Exactly my point, you wouldn't know what to do... it just won't happen. I love you..."

 

 

:love: I hope I never lose him to her... A mutual female friend of Matt's even told me that I have nothing to worry about. "You're prettier than her anyways" She scoffed. HA! I guess so! =D

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Hold on loosely. That's my advice. I think there's an old song with that refrain.

 

I know it's hard, but try to avoid thinking or articulating "what if" scenarios. IMO, such thoughts and words do the relationship no real positive good.

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hold on loosely... as in, just give up on him mentally? Like loving him but not "in love with him"?

 

Please explain, I need alot of input in this, thank you. =]

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Hold on loosely is a behavior of loving. It's giving someone a big, wide highway of freedom to experiment, learn and grow within the love of the relationship. It's a balance of quiet support and pointed challenge.

 

Some here might say to "relax". I have a hard time saying that because it's like foreign to me :D

 

Also, there's the male-speak problem. I can't see your perspective simply because I'm male. I do know, even as the odd male who enjoys emotional intensity, I like quiet freedom to be a male.

 

You know, I've never loved anyone like my old friend, not even my wife, but, by not nagging and not constantly engaging me about the issue, my wife let me come to terms with my feelings on my own and I voluntarily ended the friendship with no pressure from my wife at all. The dynamic is a bit different from yours, but trust me when I tell you it was a very difficult thing to do. You'll have to decide for yourself what your boundaries are and how best to handle your situation.

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I understand exactly what you mean. It's good that you're helping me with this because, while females will nag to me to "confront him about this issue", you are a carefree male with alot to say. It's a breath of fresh air.

 

I will let them continue with their "friendship", but the day I suspect they want more of each other, I either talk the talk or walk the walk.

 

I don't deserve this. And as bitchy as this sounds, he doesn't deserve me either if he is doing this to me. I know he's trying to be a good boyfriend and all, but the minute I ask him something, he flips and loses the "innocent boyfriend" image. Nobody deserves that.

 

Here is something funny, Matt had three ex girlfriends, and me that makes four. Mary is, I believe, the second girlfriend. I have to say that it probably has been over a year since they broke up and they STILL want to hang out?

 

If anything, I had to say he's in the transition of getting over her.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Don't know if this is relevant or not, but I'll offer it anyway...

 

The process by which a man approaches a woman he's attracted to sexually, courts her, secures her trust enough to be intimate with her and perhaps have a relationship with her imprints her into his mind. She becomes "familiar", kind of like all the people at his local hangout (bar/pub/club, etc). Like that old "Cheers" refrain, "everybody knows your name". To a man, habit is comfortable. If he can retain a connection with his past "habits", this comforts him. He remembers that she wanted him and trusted him enough to sleep with him and that has value to him as a male. He likes to revisit that value when he might be personally wanting for something, not necessarily having anything to do with his current R/M.

 

This may sound convoluted but I wanted to share how, in general, males feel. Think about a typical guy going to the same restaurant; the waitress (who knows him) knows his "usual" meal and drink. "I'll have the usual" he says....

 

That's what old lovers can be, to some men; the "usual" :)

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

They never had sex before, hahahaha! I'm guessing you're saying that guys feel comfort in the past because he knows what will always happen. It's the same thing, same food...

 

Won't he want something new though? Can't he forget his usual meal, and try something new? Why go back?

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

New is always interesting and intriguing. Think of the familiar as the fallback. You may have experienced this yourself, perhaps with a man who loved you a bit more than you did him. You sense that he will be receptive to your contacts and fall back into a familiar pattern of discourse and interaction. He's "convenient". That's not bad; it's human nature.

torranceshipman Established Member

torranceshipman

Posted
Posted

This post is total needless drama...I guess you like the drama though as this post content suggests you are about 17 :laugh:

 

What do you want from this guy, to have him on his knees, telling you are a goddess and he'd die without you or something? It is quite odd that you see a problem with how he's acting towards his ex, given the v.sweet things he says to you...it's also v.unfair to do all this 'what would you do if you dumped me' type stuff too - mean and immature - stop doing that. And if you've spent a day in your room crying over this then.....stop being such a class A drama queen, calm down, and maybe find some new hobbies to give you something else to think about :D

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I'm sorry, but I didn't need to hear that from you. :mad: I am only being careful, and with the whole "what if I broke up with you" thing- I was being curious, not mean at all.

 

And yes, I am 17. Seems to be a crime to be a youngster these days, it seems. And I am no drama queen, if anything, I'm a bit of a sensitive person. I know that sounded a bit pathetic, but it is true.

 

Being cheated on is terrible, and the aftermath can cause problems in future relationships.

 

Me getting a hobby? I have a family I spend time with, I have friends. Don't give me that "you must have no life" crap because it is NOT only me who complains about love- everyone complains and swoons about it.

 

My boyfriend is a wonderful person, and he's always giving me reasons to let me know that he truly does love me. I know he loves me, I know he does... I just don't want that to go away.

 

I am sorry if I do appear like a whiny teenager, but I have to get this out of my system, or else I'll go insane, and we wouldn't want that from a very hormanal-charged 17 year old female, now would we?

 

I have now come to terms that I should trust him more when it comes to touchy subjects like this. And that I should not be afraid of losing him to someone else.

 

Thank you Carhill and anyone else who posted, for giving me some honest insight. =]

  • 2 weeks later...
citizen67 Established Member

citizen67

Posted
Posted

Don't ever apologize for being 17!

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

D@mn straight...I'd kill to be 17 again, or even 37 :D

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted
:p 17 is a very confusing age, though, and I would kill to be much older.
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Trust me, it's just the same with more wrinkles :D

sandrawg Established Member

sandrawg

Posted
Posted
Trust me, it's just the same with more wrinkles :D

 

Ha ha! Carhill, you crack me up. Ain't that the truth.

 

I'm responding cuz I've dealt with, and am still dealing with, a similar issue.

 

My bf had an ex that was behaving inappropriately...sending him pics...contacting him after he had asked her not to. He did not enforce boundaries, and when we broke up in April over a separate issue, guess who he hooked up with??

 

Then he decided he wanted me back.

 

So now I'm dealing with the aftermath of him having hooked up w/an annoying b***ch I had a problem with all along. I'm having trouble getting past it.

 

So, OP-if you feel uncomfortable with him hanging with the ex, you have every right to say so. In my mind, being friends with an ex is okay, but to me, that means, a phone call or text every once in a while to say "howdy". But if you're gonna hang out w/an ex, you need to bring your current sig other along, to make her/him feel comfortable. If you can't do that, well, that means something shady is going on there.

  • 2 months later...
  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

UPDATE: Ok. So I have talked to my boyfriend for a while now about his ex, and he turns it around and tells me that they're nothing but "casual aqquaintances" when back then he refered to her as his "friend".

 

 

Yeahhhhhhhhh, makes a world a difference. :confused:

 

 

So he agreed to me that he'll never hang out with her again. I'm sure they'll still cozy up on the phone with each other, though! Go them! *sarcasm*

 

She sounds seriously gross. I have talked to one of my bf's friend and asked her about him, and she's like, "She's gross. She has a lisp, and cries way too much. I'm sure Matt is really happy to have you in his life, he should, you are way better!"

 

But I mean, come on, besides looks or how someone talks, should I still be worried about them?

sigh Established Member

sigh

Posted
Posted
Trust me, it's just the same with more wrinkles :D

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

That is so true. I am just as clueless now as I was then

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

On the positive side, enough water has wandered under my bridge for me to have a sense of humor about it. Perhaps that's a byproduct of becoming comfortable with the mystery that is human existence :)

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted
On the positive side, enough water has wandered under my bridge for me to have a sense of humor about it. Perhaps that's a byproduct of becoming comfortable with the mystery that is human existence :)

 

 

that is seriously amazing :lmao:

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
But I mean, come on, besides looks or how someone talks, should I still be worried about them?

 

I learned an interesting tidbit from another LS'er today. She put words to something that really makes sense regarding your dynamic. She asserted that, when words are positive, she looks to a man's actions to validate them. When words are negative, they control her perspective on the dynamic, even if actions might appear to be positive.

 

How can you apply this tidbit of wisdom to your dynamic?

  • Author
vertigocidic Member

vertigocidic

Posted
  • Author
Posted

But anyways, yeah, it's hard for me to still kinda deal with it, you know? I mean, if they love talking on the phone, be sweet about each other on myspace (that stupid bulletin- OH YEAH, HE TOOK DOWN THE THING HE SAID ABOUT HIS EX, AND ADDED MORE SENTENCES TO MINES) and want to hang out ALONE... why did they break up?

 

I'll tell you why they broke up- She has no thinking compacity farther than that of a door knob. She eats up everything her cousin says to her, and because they live a bit far from each other. They only saw each other twice a month. I don't know how long they have dated, so whatever.

 

Yeah, I'm nasty about her, and yeah, I don't even know her, but come the **** on.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...